kerpingtack: jonghyun rdd mubank win: nonstop perfect faces (let's feel it a bit)
counting at war ([personal profile] kerpingtack) wrote2015-01-08 03:05 am

cadillacking

I really marvel at how I became this person who does NOT blog very much. How do I even have thoughts without immediately typing them into a box on the internet?? Anyway.

I'm buzzing with New Years Resolutions. I know that this is an arbitrary division of time, but I need the structure. I don't care that it's meaningless. Tell me the lies, I will eat them all with cake and cream or whatever. Mostly I want to go vegetarian, and be more creative.

I think I can't ~blog~ anymore because I'm just so tired of having the same conversation in my head, and this conversation happens CONSTANTLY because it's apparently like the end route to ALL thoughts that I have when trying to ~blog~? Which is: "why are you saying this? do you actually want to remember this? what if other people read it, with their eyeballs, which they have connected to their brains, and are repulsed by how profoundly boring you are? you are a shitty person. no, you're not. that's terrible. why do you always think that, idiot? oh god. it never ends. STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF." It's not... ideal.

Melon is sleeping next to me and has been for over an hour. My mom said that in her opinion, Melon was looking for us (= my sister & I have were in Oregon since last Friday and just got back home today :3). I know this is weird, but I really identify so strongly with Melon. And I am glad that she still feels comfy enough to sleep next to me and welcome me back with her soft warm existence.

I CANNOT EVEN HANDLE THINKING ABOUT JONGHYUN'S SOLO ALBUM RIGHT NOW. Like I am literally almost afraid to go online. I just can't even begin. I am so proud, and I want to live inside my own heart, which feels as big and confused and raw as the actual world.

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