kerpingtack: kinomoto sakura: qt windblown aviator (it's fun~?)
counting at war ([personal profile] kerpingtack) wrote2015-07-29 02:51 am
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The hypocrisy and contradictions in my life are really starting to kill me. How can I cry distressed tears over a headline about a lion's death, and continue to consume meat regularly? Because CAPITALISM and alienation, because anxiety, because money, because convenience and complacency. How can I this and that, when that and this? How do I make my actions match my beliefs? Just DO IT. But the fear of it changing me, taking me farther away from the person I dislike but know is safe and protected in their nullity - always THE FEAR. And the responsibilities that will come with Speaking and Doing. God.

I cannot in good conscience become a social worker without figuring this out. There is a responsibility in privilege. You do damage by denying the power you have. I can't just opt out of it forever.

Blech, I keep feeling like I am smelling or tasting that kiss. It's really bumming me out. It feels like I proved something about myself, showing a mulchy jaundiced underbelly. Like: I'll LEGIT tip over and scramble DISGRACEFULLY just to feel safe, to stay in the comforting shade of Being Liked. Now I'm being haunted by that desperate, jarring sensation. BLEURGH.

I'm so sad about lions and elephants and parrots and cats. Suffering isn't a lump sum. It seems worse than infinite. There's always more to hear about. Worse things than I could have imagined. It's always so painful.

WHAT A CHEERFUL ENTRY. Crying at 3am and updating livejournal. It's like it's 2007 again!