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counting at war ([personal profile] kerpingtack) wrote2015-10-10 11:40 pm

the size of a bee

For various (read: like... two) reasons, I went through a bunch of my old lj posts. I - I was pretty funny! Like, there are still a lot of cringe-worthy phrases, employed either in the name of humor (offensive) or Profoundness (dumb), and I was definitely old enough to know better, but... yeah, I'm surprised. You weren't so bad, you ol' sonuvagun.

I think a couple of years ago I wanted to make a big block of text about wanting to take back or update the Western-centric things I said about Korean culture. BUT I FORGOT WHAT I SAID, WHAT I WANTED TO SAY, AND WHAT THE POINT OF ANY OF IT WAS.

idk. Sometimes change happens in such unannounced increments. I'm surprised by some of the things I wrote out of ignorance and/or an unexamined life. I needed to work through them, and thankfully I did. And at times, I did it without specifically realizing it? I'm talking about this too vaguely lol. For example: I used words like "retarded" maybe as late as early college?, then later "homogay" for ~comedic effect. I also said the word "bitch" A LOT?? (I still say it occasionally, but I don't swear as much in general.) I just didn't think about it enough, I didn't take it seriously. I also remember really working my way through the concept of "white saviors"/white point-of-view characters in stories about POC and genuinely feeling conflicted about maybe "needing" that "buffer" - I think it was after I watched Blood Diamond. But I kind of course-corrected on my own, maybe slowly, but it happened. idkk. I'm selfishly glad that I got the space and time to do that without being called out by someone else. I mean, it would have been well-deserved but it still really would've destroyed me, just because ANY small thing regularly smooshed me flat back then. I would not have had the context to be like, this is not about you - it's about what you said, and it's necessary for you to be able to rise out of this interpersonal level into the systemic one.

It really is a process of unlearning. Growing pains.

Here is what I wrote today at Starbucks whilst ignoring my reading:

I feel regret for my past self at times. It's hard to treat yourself as you would treat a friend because you just know too much, but at the same time you don't see enough.

I'll be 27 soon - it's been almost ten years since I first started college. There's a lot that I feel sad about during that gap. I was so strangled by my feelings of inadequacy, I couldn't accept that I was actually understanding the things I was learning. Then I would beat myself about the head for being too stupid and dull to ~get it. To me, there was so much pressure to know yourself, know your future, to have already done things so you could do more things. But - I was so scared of doing anything. I wasn't capable of saying hi to people in an elevator. I felt like I was made of mistakes. Every little hiccup in a day laid me flat.

I really like the idea of progress as a spiral. You think that you haven't changed because you're feeling the same things as you did in the past, but you're really just passing through a similar point, expanding your life a little at a time. Traveling further from the dark center that represents a bad point, maybe THE bad point, in your life.

And then, nearly ten years later, you can look back in surprise. Not just that you're different now from how you were then, but that the old you wasn't so bad after all. They deserved some shelter, too. They did the best they could and tried hard. What they didn't know and couldn't feel was only possible to be known and felt through experience. The you now is that organic sum.

Anyway. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS PAPER.


I thought about it because I was at the ~Methods~ part of the reading, and I could (very very distantly) recall my undergrad methods class. And I thought, I could probably actually understand it now - actually, maybe I could have understood it then, too. But I just felt like none of it applied to me/could be applied by me. What research would I do? I didn't have an interest or a passion or an idea. I didn't have the courage necessary to initiate a n y t h i n g. I had no conception that I was capable of Doing. It was so scary and intimidating. Hopeless, really.

And I was only able to realize that I could've done it back then because yesterday, I dug up my notes from my undergrad statistics course to help JJB with his math homework. I was BLOWN AWAY by them lmao. Just, like, I couldn't understand a goddamn thing in them, and I remember struggling and falling asleep during class and panicking because I was missing chunks from different units, but my notes must've still been correct in some way because I got an A in the class. I was SO SMART to have been able to cobble that together????

idk. There's the POTENTIAL, I guess. But as I think about it more, it's embarrassing to be impressed by that lol. Especially since I'm not being academically challenged in the least in my program now, and I'm still having such a hard time. So - which is it?? Am I Lazy and Undisciplined for not trying to Engage my Mind to the extent it's capable of, or am I Stupid and at my Maximum Level now? I know that this is a terrible and false distinction to make. I'm still making it!!!!

I also have a lot of unorganized feelings about history and my current view of life and Hamilton and stuff.

Okay, last thing: I skimmed the comments of my old lj entries too. I feel really grateful and touched by everyone who was frondly to me. idk. It's not a Big Deal, except that it is, but not in a weird burdensome way lol ;;;; But like. Each comment was a point of contact, and it mattered.

Ugh this post suxx. I don't want to write this paper. T__T

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