kerpingtack: olive: the only part of the show i liked (hard to say harder to feel)
counting at war ([personal profile] kerpingtack) wrote2016-01-31 06:09 pm
Entry tags:

don't be

A wave of sadness!!

I want to be a piggy bank or something and be picked up by a child and smashed on a rock over and over again until I break open. It sounds super violent when I write it out, and I guess it's not... un-violent. But... actually I don't know why I want this so much, or at least why this image ~resonates so much with me. I want to be treated artlessly but sincerely. I want to be believed in with a single-minded focus, believed that there is something great and interesting inside me, and I want that to be wanted. And I somewhat want my main purpose to be broken open? Like, I don't want to be pried open. I don't want to be eased into it. I just want it bang! bang! bang! Something blunt and careless. A struggle that doesn't implicate me, that doesn't depend on me being manipulated.

Well, I also want to be baked into a loaf of bread and be paid to eat my way out of it.

This line of poetry keeps rattling around in my noggin: "All my life I had been making the same mistake -" and I stop it there, because the point of remembering this line is to FEEL SAD, not to USE IT. The second part is "the dust was on my face, and I kept cleaning the mirror." Oh, I had to look up the poem for that line, and I was misremembering the first part too lol ("the whole life I kept committing the same mistake"). I guess it doesn't matter that much since it's a translation from Urdu (?). Wow what a useless paragraph.

The fact that I'm not happy with anything I've knitted this year is really disheartening. I am a true blue amateur, so I wasn't expecting legit high quality work. But everything has just been, like... too big or lopsided or looking sloppy. I don't know what I was expecting. That my ~good taste would somehow overcome any skill level or lack of preparation? Maybe. I also just really wanted to not be wasteful, in that I wanted to make things that I actually wanted to wear. I've done and redone a lot of projects and I'm still not happy.

I GUESS MY MAIN PROBLEM (out of the dozen Main Problems I have) is that I always feel that I will never be able to love the things I love or people I love good enough. I'm always lacking something. There's not enough substance or words or energy.

I'm really dizzy right now, even though I ate and drank water and juice and stuff. Godfuckingdamnit. Can't anything just be done? Why am I not an input/output machine???

Whee-ooo, one fundamental fear: every new thing I do is another opportunity to fail to be happy.

All my life I had been making the same mistake!!!