kerpingtack: jiji's family end credits (carry me away light as a feather)
counting at war ([personal profile] kerpingtack) wrote2016-11-18 01:05 pm

rights lefts

I think I just need to DO something. I need to make something to siphon off these disgursting humeurs inside my Body. Gotta pick up knitting, draw something, LEAVE A FUCKING COMMENT ON SOMETHING, etc. And not get hung up by feeling, like, "this isn't turning out how I want" and "this looks/sounds stupid/bad/not enough." Just fucking do the thing. Stop thinking about yourself!!!!

I look back on the years gone by and though I was much more miserable then than I am now, there are a lot of things I miss. Sometimes it seems, weirdly, that I had more energy, which is a very very sad statement, given that I was tired all the time then. But it was an internal energy - and I think it's only because I'm looking back to a time when I was really active on recording my thoughts and making lists and talking a lot about the media I was consuming. And the internal energy was not, like, positive. Maybe the better word is "movement"? It came from a place of anxiety and hmm like... "this is the only thing I can do right now." Like, all that writing and bloggeuring was my outlet for everything going on with me. And I am much, much more capable of DOING things now than I was then. I don't know if it's connected at all or not, like whether being better at Being a Person in the World really depletes me of whatever was fueling those little midnight laps in my internal... living space. Goddamn I cannot talk.

Anyway I miss the enthusiasm I had, the ease with which I could talk about stuff, the STUFF I wanted to talk about, the ability I had to watch things without being so, like... bogged down. It's a self-consciousness and awareness that gets treated as baggage. idk. And like, none of that really brought me peace or happiness or restfulness in any long-term sense. But it's a record that I existed. What the hell do I do lately? Each day just lapses into the next. I sit and play Tetris for hours and I'm thinking about stuff, but it's smoke and vapor as soon as I look up, I might as well not have even been alive for those hours. Dissipated into the ether. Sighsighsigh.

I really need to get this fucking anxiety thing sorted out. But I don't want to have another weird/ambivalent to straight up bad experience in counseling. Like, I think this is the thing - I really don't want to have another memory that is going to cause me pain later. And I know it's my own fucking choice to keep gnawing on something, but goddamnit, I don't know how to get around that? Like why must I remember things?? The functional, but not necessarily helpful, answer is that it's to keep me from making the same mistake later. Battering myself upon the rocks.

Here are some bits and bobs from dreams I've had in the past couple of months:

- ANXIETY MARATHON after the incident with the Creeper Neighbor: my dad comes over and is naked at one point(?) and everyone acts like I should have already known about this or that I should be really chill about it. I'm wearing only a towel, like I've just come out of the shower, and I see the neighbor walking with his wife past our house through the second story window and I freeze. He looks up and I can't tell if he sees me; he smirks and turns back to his wife. Later, a landscaper/construction worker comes to do something in our yard. He digs a hole and then, like, TURNS INTO Tomtom and curls up in the hole to test the size of it. I'm, like, horrified that I didn't know that people/service-type workers could just turn into cats for work purposes. "Oh my god, I can't believe all this time I didn't even know.............."
- NESTED DREAMS: all within a two hour nap before I had to take Julian to the office with me by 2 pm.
dream 1. I drive to the office to get there by 2 pm, except it's hella dark out already. "Boy, this Daylight Savings Time!" I think. As soon as I arrive, I realize that I forgot Julian.
dream 2. ~I wake up from dream 1 and am relieved that I'm not late.~ I tell Julian to get ready, but he's like "but it's Sunday." I say, "It's not Sunday, it's Tuesday" and he doesn't hear me. I yell louder from a fog of tiredness, "IT'S NOT SUNDAY, IT'S TUESDAY."
dream 3. ~I wake up again from dream 2 and reflect upon the fact that I had a dream within a dream.~ I decide that this is because I haven't eaten all day and it has exacerbated my fatigue. I go to, like, a small local bakery/deli thing. I order two pies (??), then add another one at the last minute. The cashier is like, "Yes, girl, order as many as you like!! You're hungry!!"
Epilogue: when I for real woke up, I was so disoriented. I was like "WHAT TIME IS IT? where am I? did I eat???"
- LOVELY DREAM where I behaved in a very good manner. I was with my grandmother and I helped her walk, although I was scared of her frailty. Also held little kids on my lap to help them see the computer screen/TV.
In retrospect, I would do these things IRL anyway. But in the dream, I did it without hesitation, and in reality, I'm always thinking of what could go wrong and that someone else could do whatever I'm doing better.

I have not been eating well. It's the olde pattern of "eat one meal at 3pm and maybe some water or coffee for the rest of the day."

IMPORTANT EDIT @ 11/23/16: So I didn't do anything I listed in this entry. Instead spent the whole weekend sleeping and reading fic and continuing eating one (1) meal a day for Depressed Efficiency, and I only finished this entry today. Cool beans.