kerpingtack: mizuno ami & kino makoto chibi fanart (tired of studying)
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN. I logged in and went straight to the Post an Entry page.

And I forgot how FORM does indeed inform FUNCTION sometimes, because dreamwidth's rich text box doesn't fucking load on Chrome for me, and that makes me want to Not Try. Blllahhhh.

It's 3am right now. I think I slept something like 8pm-1am. I didn't know I was so tired!! I guess it comes from staying up until 5am hahaha... oh.

The current fandom phase is: Captain America 2 (still!), Beatles (resurgence), Jonghyun (literally always).

Melodious Melon and Terrific Tom-tom's play-fights have been degenerating into fight-fights lately. Not serious, but Tom-tom does have a cut near his ear and Melon cries out in alarm/pain a lot. ; n ; cats pls live in harmony

Bullet list of things going on this half of the year:
- my sister has moved back home for the year
- a church member's friend, a Ph.D student at the local CSU, will be renting a room in our house temporarily
This means that we've been shuffling and organizing and cleaning things out continuously, especially this past week. I'm finally done with my crap, I'd just like to label all the various drawers. And I need a nicer system for my bags.
- I've begun my MSW program.
I don't want to talk about this lol. In sum, I'm going to be scared as hell the entire time.

I have soooooo many tabs and sooooo many things to reply to. It's not that I don't care about friends, it's that everything runs up against my deeply entrenched laziness/guilt industrial complex.

coffee egg

Apr. 17th, 2014 11:49 am
kerpingtack: flat ocean shoreline (lay it out low)
I started two nights ago when I was in an anxiety avalanche, but I'm over it by now. Still, I typed it up already!!

How I Work Out Problems

me: I don't like preparing food because I'm not good at it and I'm not that interested. but I feel like shit if I buy too much fast food and take out
me: so if spending money makes me feel guilty, then I should just learn how to cook and do it regularly. that is cheaper than always buying stuff
me: but I'm always tired and it's hard for me to figure out what I want to make and how to make it
me: okay then so just sit there and starve?? why are you even asking me if you're just going to argue everything???
me: I DON'T KNOW!!!!

RESOLVED

I snipe at myself just out of boredom or habit or something too. Like I read a fic and at the end the A/N was "geez this is kinda upsetting."

me: yeah kinda
me: what do you mean, 'kinda'? IT IS
me: what am I arguing
me: idk

RESOLVED!
kerpingtack: jonghyun rdd mubank win: nonstop perfect faces (let's feel it a bit)
I've eaten, did some cleaning; the door is open and there's a breeze outside. I have food ready for Julian. The cats are in sight, looking out at the backyard. I'm listening to music. If it's like this, then it's like - of course you can be happy. You're happy right now. There's so much good in the world, and it can't run out. You don't have to wrench yourself into shapes to fit in it.

I've noticed that more and more, in each fandom that I pass through, I find something I like in a way that seems relevant to me at the moment. Of course that's just my gaze catching what it's looking for, and it's more convenient because I need EVERYTHING - need lessons about everything, need to draw strength from everything; but still, it feels nice. I don't know if any of that made sense, lol. Hopefully when I reread this later I'll know what I meant.

When you love, or feel for, a character that you relate to, it's like a safe way of embracing yourself. It's careful and removed, not so raw or a risk. And being in fandom, reading about how other people love that character, and feeling that collective energy is nice too.

A few weeks (or months? I don't even remember) ago, I woke up halfway hearing a woman outside calling a name. It was so regular that I don't know if it wasn't just in my head. But eventually I heard "here kitty" and then I just wanted to go back to sleep and I did. Just thinking about someone else having to do that awful round of looking filled me with dread and misery. And I didn't want to hear it or be aware of it. A la Saiyuki, I didn't want anything touching that scar. All of this sounds dramatic as I'm writing it lol. It's just a mundane kind of misery and I kept forgetting to write about it. Anyway, some things need to be one step removed - you don't want anything to directly touch you. It's just nice to watch it, kind of see how it looks, see it modeled.

cataloguing what I like: I LOVE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD AT LOOKING SAD. I'm monstrous. I think this is related to how sometimes I find people very attractive when they're sick - not because I know they're sick, often I don't but I'm just like "wow they look really good here!" and then the comments are like "omg poor [person], they were so sick this day :(" and I'm like T___T.

So in terms of Cpt. America 2: I'm most drawn to Bucky and Sam; Bucky because he makes me saddest, and Sam because he makes me happiest lol. Sam is so fundamentally good and decent, down to his bones. Amiable and supportive!!! Just ready to roll with it, augh.

And Bucky, because when a character's life is just SO goddamn sad and shitty, I obsess over it. Like seriously WHAT A SHIT LIFE BUCKY HAS. I've said this like three times already in real life conversations, but like, as soon as he gets drafted, that's just the end of any happiness or easiness and the rest is just REALLY, SUCH AN AWFUL LIFE FULL OF MISERY WITHOUT BREAK.

... I took too long of a break in writing this and now I feel that everything in this entry is embarrassing and stupid. AS YOU DO.

hahahahahaha and in the break between that last sentence and this one, a bomb exploded the day and blew out the positive/restfulness I was feeling before. s!i!g!h! permutations! mutations! I! hate! self!!
kerpingtack: i'm a poseur about this i've only seen the cartoon twice (hepcat)
I googled "what kind of a bird is a robin" for the subject line lol. "American Robins are gray-brown birds with warm orange underparts and dark heads." WARM ORANGE UNDERPANTS! I had no idea that "underpants" was a proper descriptive term in zoology... ornithology (googled that too)... birdology (did not have to google that).

Anyway my day in twitter:

what am i doing? what am i doing? what what what am i doing? with my life? as a person? existing??

fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up...

am i a good person? what does that even mean? does it mean anything that i keep thinking about this? question mark?

i feel like no matter all the rest, what's important is how you treat people. but i don't treat people very well? either on an interpersonal level (utterly incompetent and/or cold) or... on an activist? level (complacent/apathetic).

i guess i feel in turmoil lately because i thought that it was better to do nothing than actively do something wrong/hurtful. but i'm slowly realizing in a real, concrete way that doing nothing sometimes IS the most wrong/hurtful thing, that it just shuts things down. i mean i knew that as an abstract concept, but i experienced it and it's caught up to me.

i guess i attach too much meaning to things lol. prolly to avoid actually Doing Stuff. just sit there and obsess over ~implications~

i'm not actually that bummed out right now, i just can't think of anything else to talk about lol

TUSK!!!

Everyone is posting about Captain America 2 and meta always tricks me into caring more than I would normally, so yeah that's where I am all day, everyday now. I've read SOOOO MUCH FIC. Like literally at least the full first twenty pages in ao3, both sorted by kudos and by date updated lololol. God I am so good at being fixated. 

OH OKAY so I went to facebook and scrolled down my newsfeed for the first time in months and of course I see a post from the local animal rescue, with a cat that looks like Tom Tom, who is apparently very sweet and whose owner died instantly in a hit and run accident. The owner had rescued him when he was a tiny kitten and now he is alone in the world. Facebook always brings GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! I'm always happy to be updated about the world!!!!!!!!!!

You know what's exhausting about me is that, like, I just keep thinking "why can't I do this? why is this so hard for me?" What don't I understand? If I could just find that latch, just that one thing, it would unravel at least a chunk, and then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm struggling just to get from this minute to the next. Maybe there's nothing to understand. But then how do I know what to do? Because I don't have anything I WANT to do, just things I want to avoid. So what's the motivation, if not emotions/intuition? Logic - what makes sense, what do I understand of this situation and what's the next step. Just like, WHAT DO I FUCKING DO??? WHAT DO I DO TO BE A PERSON? 
kerpingtack: dolphin cow jumping out of the water together as you do (omg.)
One of those days! Just one of those days!!

Jamming out to the 1975 in the library, feeling slightly uncomfortable as I always do whenever I'm alive in public. Breakthrough thought of the day: it's a self-fulfilling prophecy to be like, "well this partly is why I'll never be happy, because of the way I treat people around me." But it's somewhat reassuring because at least I'll be right about SOMETHING, even if it's something I was right about because I MADE IT HAPPEN. And I can't apply that to other things, because I feel like I don't have control over anything and all effect I have on other people or the space/time complex in the general is unintentional and/or negative. I don't think I have good control over myself either, but it's still more than I have over anything else lol. And I always feel like I just don't have any right to go against others - because I don't at all think that I know better, and I defer to their greater will to power/live. Some people really want to live and be alive. I just want to give up all the time.

I know that I have inherent worth as a person, just for being a living thing in this world. But I don't feel it, and I want a REASON, as a bedrock. Because it's so hard to just live as myself - all these thoughts and patterns and habits, always mine, always me. It's unbearable. I need to know that it's worth it. I think that's why I'm still somewhat obsessed with the whole "am I a good person? am I kind?" thing. I want to be a person that I like, so there's a reason for me to keep being. But either way, trying to look at myself from the outside in or peering from the inside out, it just seems like a jumbled mess. What even am I? A bunch of ghost spaghetti in a sack.

Two things I keep forgetting to mention in my quarterly lj/dw posts:
- I saw a car carrier carrying another car carrier once
- I also saw a truck cab (? the front part of the truck where the driver sits, not the rectangular storage part /technical knowledge) hauling another truck cab, just on its back. The second truck cab was facing backwards and I was behind it on the highway, so at first I was like "wow wtf that truck is going backwards!"

cool story bro!
kerpingtack: debbie harry black and white (could show you my affection)
Life is really hard to live!!

I took a bath and finished Rob Delaney's book. I'm too lazy to google the full title of it haha. It was lovely, a good read from a good guy. "Heart-garden, root and branch."

I've decided that I probably don't have depression. I think I have a lot of ANXIETY, and I am naturally lazy and withdrawn, and prone to rationalization, and prone to being too aware of the rationalization, and prone to trying to parse one from the other (what's genuine vs. what's just set up as straw men to protect my fragile sense of self), and prone to wearing myself down that way so I can wash my hands of it and not have to think or act constructively to change anything. Also once I took a quiz on the internet and it told me I was like a 98% narcissist (like 98% of me is a narcissist? I am more narcissistic than 98% of the population? what do I need to know the details for, I have a number!). And of course all facts are true on the internet.

I feel like I have to work really hard to be empathetic. I do not have patience. I don't actively enjoy making people feel bad, but once it starts, I can't stop because it's just a byproduct of me trying to fulfill my own need (to vent, to escape, to avoid embarrassment, etc). But I feel like a good person when the cats choose to be near me. I don't have to work to feel kindly toward them. My heart quite goes out without any thought.

hummmm and hawwww
kerpingtack: mizuno ami & kino makoto chibi fanart (tired of studying)
hysterical fatigue, looking at my desk and wanting to launch myself out of a cannon to destroy it.

ADVICE: FUCK OFF AND DIE

overheard someone say "good evening", was like "4pm counts as evening?!" and felt like bursting into tears at EVERYTHING I DON'T KNOW

PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY GENERATING STUFF I DON'T UNDERSTAND. SCREAMSCREAMSCREAM

some people become totems of your own projected insecurity and then you have to crawl into a cave and sweat it out

why doesn't webtwitter have mute asdkl;jf

I haven't fallen into this trap in a while, where I feel so miserable and annoyed and the only thing I want to do about it is talk about it and describe/narrate how I feel second-by-second as I feel it. But that is so annoying that it makes me hate myself more.

gainsaid

Feb. 17th, 2014 01:12 pm
kerpingtack: dolphin cow jumping out of the water together as you do (omg.)
 My tumblr likes are a disaster because people keep deleting their accounts, so all the posts you liked from them disappear from view, although the number count doesn't go down. Helpful, very helpful. 
kerpingtack: jonghyun rdd mubank win: nonstop perfect faces (let's feel it a bit)
Went off like a champagne bottle on twitter, nattering frothily about Jonghyun. WHAT ELSE IS TWITTER FOR?? Anyway I thought I had more to say about it, but I forgot in the time it took to open a new tab and start an entry, soooOOOoooo just going to record these tweets. Mental erosion continues, scientists wonder "who cares?":

SUDDENLY VERY VERY EMOTIONAL ABOUT JONGHYUN'S RADIO SHOW

(moreso than usual)

just the idea of trying something new, and being nervous and worried everyday, but it's something that you really want to be good at and that you have ideas for, and that you're genuinely interested in - and you meet people and receive encouragement and love as you're learning. staying up thinking about it, talking late into the night with your family, preparing and psyching yourself up. huhuhuuuuu

i could go on but i will refrain!

no i lied: i mean, i guess i feel similarly about teaching, except i doubt myself second by second instead of being able to accept the situation as it is. jonghyun really is so amazing and admirable to me bc he has worries and stresses, and he's harsh on himself, but i think at the same time he has good priorities and he's able to believe in and listen to himself, and the people around him. he thinks and feels deeply without getting too bogged down - there is an incredible lightness and purity in the strength of his emotion, his empathy.

i say the same things over and over about him lol, but i repeat them bc i mean it anew and with more conviction each time.

anyway i think you can really tell that he believes in his dreams and he believes in hard work and he cares a lot, and i love the radio show

re: teaching. I was notified last week of an opportunity to go to Korea for the spring semester (starting in March - so I would have to arrive in February). They gave me about two hours to decide, and after a ton of stress, I decided not to. I'm happy with my choice but I feel like I have to defend it to people (mostly relatives) because they're like "Are you ever going to leave?" '~~' I mean, I'm still in the applicant pool for the fall semester, so it wasn't a final thing. But I guess it's like how everyone advised me against taking the year off from college, the fear that I'll lose momentum if I keep postponing and I won't be able to actually proceed. And based on what I've been doing for over two full years, it's a very justified fear. 

The decision making process was basically that fear of losing momentum and fear of continued stagnation vs. fear of not being ready for such a big change and collapsing without a support system. I keep thinking that this year needs to be THE year for me. I'm 25 now, and now I notice people who are younger and further along than me more than ever. I feel panicky when I think about for too long (so over three seconds). It's a quarter quell year!! EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW.

Bleh I took a break and now I can't remember what I wanted to say for the rest of this, lol. >___> Something about confidence, and how I falter and just want to give up and sit out and watch how other people do it in a mistaken bid to gain confidence. Confidence by proxy or something, where if I can just know it in my head, step-by-step or in a nebula of exacting detail, then I will have no problems doing it. Whatever "it" is, be it ordering something or teaching or speaking to people for the first time. 
kerpingtack: jiji's family end credits (carry me away light as a feather)
(I had this private locked, I guess I meant to add more to it?? But I don't remember what.)

I drafted an entire post in my head while I was steeping in the bath like tea, but I don't know where this road will take me now! I already dithered about just opening this tab. Oh, who could have known that lj'ing would become so hard for me? I used to be a fucking spambot lol.

LOL I found this as a private, never published post:

endless shuffle meme

1. Jon Brion - Collecting Things (from the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind soundtrack)
2. Sakamoto Chika - Mayonaka Hitori (Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon: Yaten Kou image song)
3. The Beatles - Blackbird
4. Blondie - D-Day
5. Sufjan Stevens - The Great God Bird
6. Joseph Arthur - Black Lexus
7. Charlotte Martin - Up All Night
8. Ben Folds Five - Do It Anyway
9. Robert Pattinson - Never Think
10. Kelly Clarkson - One Minute
11. Singin' in the Rain - Beautiful Girl Montage
12. Kim Jonghyun - 귀로 (Gwiro) (live at 1000 Songs)
13. The Dixie Cups - Chapel of Love

so many white devils

Well, it's true.

I had an interview today and I am studiously trying to avoid thinking about it, which means it pops up again once every hour and I have to stomp the thought down a drain. ;~~; 

Take a good! Swing at me! And everything, is even! I always read Chvrches as its stylized spelling, "CHUVURCHES." 

Repeating myself over and over: I'm always right about Jonghyun, and literally everyone else in ifandom, except for maybe ten people, is objectively, scientifically, and morally wrong. Don't dispute this!!11 Sometimes I am spoiling to fight with people, but other days I just feel beaten into a flat pancake. SHINee ifandom is so joyless and idiotic, and the people I hate the most are the twenty somethings who should REALLY know better, but do not. I bring this up because I've been seeing EVERYONE I hate post re: Jonghyun's recent support of the Are you annyeong? poster protests. It is beyond excruciating.

kerpingtack: dolphin cow jumping out of the water together as you do (omg.)
Copy+pasted from twitter for posterity:

[last night]

cries, i dashed my head against the stair banister while swooping down to smooch tom tom ;;;; [melon's brother, who is staying with us while his owners are out of town on and off]

and earlier when i was getting dressed after my shower i mistook my tights for a shirt and tried to stick my arms in. it was so confusing. the world is so hurtful and tricky. pineapple hurt mouth ; n ;
 
[today]

i have a bruise on my forehead from hitting it on the banister huhuhu

i have the same approach to everything: be indecisive and non-committal abt smth i potentially want, wait long enough until i can't do anything to achieve it; then after a while, get sick of my stagnation and charge blindly into smth telling myself "just DO something"/"take a risk" but it turns out to be a disaster and then i use that as an excuse to keep hesitating.

so anyway the scarf i wanted sold out while it was rotting in my online shopping cart ; n ;

i hope everyone who calls today can hear the defeat in my voice when i answer the phone. take pity on me, make this quick

LITERALLY THE STUPIDEST PERSON POSSIBLE. the sidebar on this site disappears if you hover the mouse over it and yet i kept trying to click it over and over, feeling distraught, "WHY CAN'T I CLICK IT???"

squeedaily.tumblr.com/post/69095938934/meet-scout-yup-he-definitely-loves-his-human … "this is cute." half a second later: "i could do this too. someone take a picture of me w a phonebook on my head"

TRACING THE HISTORY OF TODAY'S DOWNWARD SPIRAL: last night i fell asleep downstairs on the rug. the cats slept next to me on the couch. at 3am i woke up disoriented. all the lights in the room were on and for some reason i was like OMG I SLEPT UNTIL CHRISTMAS, I DIDN'T EVEN BUY ANYONE PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!! then i stumbled up the stairs, brushed my teeth in a stupor for like five minutes, fell back asleep after playing candy crush a couple of times, bolted awake at 7:15 late to drop julian off at school, startling the cats who had followed me upstairs and had puddled themselves around my person, barrelled out the door, fell back asleep when i came home, OVERSLEPT AGAIN, got to work late...

I'M JJANG GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN
kerpingtack: cute drawing of japanese candy: pink blue white (bauble crie)
I live very shallowly and insensitively. Like what am I? Am I a person? What kind of person lives like this?

It's hard to feel good about yourself when you just don't feel good.

I feel so stupid, which is a displaced way of saying that I am stupid and I am constantly feeling it.

re: SHINee winning Artist of the Year at the Melon Music Awards: When Key and Minho broke down in tears during their speech, I felt like crying too. It meant so much to all of them, it was humbling. I'm happy for SHINee, and I love them so much; but I wish they could have gotten it without having to work a crazy back-to-back-to-back-to-back comeback schedule. Without the further decomposition of Jonghyun's voice. Over five full years since their debut. I wish they could have gotten it sooner. They deserve much more. And still Jonghyun is apologizing, feeling like it was too big of an honor.

blehhhh clutches Starbucks sludge
kerpingtack: sooyoung: pretty dark hair light olive wash (gentle)
I haven't even logged into dw/lj in a full two months, which is a record!

These thoughts are not deep but they "feel" like they belong here, not tweets. Though I have already started to forget what I wanted to talk about.

We got a new cat on September 1, kind of by accident. A family at church just got two kittens but they couldn't take care of both and they wanted to know if we wanted one. Once Julian got wind of this information, he was relentless and right after church, we went to their house and picked one of them up, and that was that!

She had a lot of different names attached to her, but over time nature took its course and the names that stuck were Melon and 꼭지 (Kkokji, which means like, little cap/lid).

I didn't want to get attached, and I went way out of my way to make sure nothing that was "Chorong's" applied to Melon (different brands of food, different litter box, different toys, etc) and I don't tweet or share pictures of her much, but it was all in vain. I guess ~not being ridiculously attached~ is impossible for me, because I am definitely very bonded at this point hahaha. I feel stupid but I'm trying not to feel guilty (guilty for not trying to look for Chorong anymore). On paper it doesn't sound like a bad weak thing to be attached and feel love, but in real life it feels embarrassing and awkward and hard to express. I mean, I enjoy it on my own, but I can't think of how to talk about it without inviting some degree of ridicule or concern.

On Saturday I went on a long crying jag. Just noting it.

My own complacency and fear annoy me so much at time I feel like I'm suffocating but then I reason it away. It's like a lump in my throat; how do you climb over a wall that's inside yourself? Like what are your footholds, or what do you need to erode or dig away? Bleughhoohaaa.

My ability to have talking with thoughts has really super corroded. How do I do this?? Am I meant to be on twitter forever now, as I cannot sustain anything past little tag-length phrases? Oh dearie me.

I can't remember what else I wanted to say!! How typical.

To round out this standard entry: I wish death upon all my natural enemies, aka anyone who talks shit about Jonghyun. There was a VERY STRANGE entry on omona where none of the comments were negative and hateful at all (I'm guessing the usual cabal of Benedict Cumberbatch-style Onew stans were all out of commission at the same time or something?), but then like three days later I found the most infuriating piece of shit posts on tumblr, so in my head things are back to normal. Every sentence written by ifans are like the comments on news articles on places like Yahoo.

hackberry

Aug. 30th, 2013 04:11 pm
kerpingtack: jonghyun juliette rajvithi home for girls in thailand (SHOUJO ANIME)
The trick is to do painful things in safe spaces. I talked about Chorong today like he was definitively gone. Although I have a stack of flyers I just printed out yesterday lol. I might put them up, even though, obviously, what is the use? It will only hurt. I will change my facebook picture soon. Trivial things. I think I've received enough signs that there is no use. There's a lot more I could have done but I did a reasonable amount - though of course I wish I did more, I wish I found him.

This was really hard for me. I was made very tremulous and fragile with my hope and misery. I don't think I'll love another thing like I loved Chorong. It was a cautionary tale. It was too much. Maybe when I'm stronger, when I've learned to lean more on myself instead of trying to split my soul to another body, I can do it. 

Though the temperature is ignoring it, summer is ending soon. It wasn't a vacation! I can't bear thinking that it happened for a reason. But it happened all the same. 

Suddenly I feel extremely shitty right now. I just want to be dead, I hate everything about myself, I hate working here, but I'm too scared to do anything else. I hate everything I feel. I'm so frustrated with feeling like I don't understand anything, and like I'm not trying hard enough. Crying all over the place this summer. In full public at my desk? SURE WHY NOT. 
kerpingtack: i'm a poseur about this i've only seen the cartoon twice (hepcat)

My thoughts are getting more scattered. Metaphorical too. Or maybe it's the way I write that's getting more unhinged? I feel much more diffuse.

I thought there was stuff I wanted to talk about but nope! 

I really like f(x)'s lyrics most of the time. I guess ~knetizens~ bitch about them being meaningless, but it's a nice change of pace. "Should I try throwing a net onto your invisible body?"


 

kerpingtack: jonghyun juliette rajvithi home for girls in thailand (SHOUJO ANIME)
Slept 1.5 hours and now am alive only by the grace of God and coffee. My stomach is protesting all this. I'm sorry, this is just who we are, stomach. On the plus side some of my skirts are feeling a little tight which means I am gaining weight. Right? I don't know if this makes sense. I am insensate.

My important tweets about the Boys Meet U short MV:

how long will jjong wear color contacts... when will my suffering be over

he's so cute though ;a;ldjfalkjf;;;;

oh the bikes were for this mv!

SCREAMS JJONG WITH THE DOG

Boys Meet U. alternate title, SHINee Put Their Hands On Each Other's Shoulders

crying jjong looking her straight in the eye and waving alkjdf

lmfao at the ending lmaoooooo

i hope that one day shinee will have an mv with five girls, not just one that the whole group chases/pines after/stares at

anyway what a waste of striped shirts and a malt shop!!!!!!

this video should just have been the group trying to teach jonghyun how to ride a bike. i don't need boys to meet me, i need to see jjong wobbling around and yelping while minho yells at him like a triathlon coach and ontarkey sit around eating
 
Then this devolved/evolved into thinking about Jonghyun clattering around with training wheels and burrowing into the sand with Roo.

I'M SO HUNGRY AND CRANKY ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

wrt Pacific Rim crossovers: 

(crazed jjong stan mode) jjong and sodam, except sodam has a talent and passion for the science/research side of the kaiju resistance and doesn't want to be a pilot and jjong obviously respects her wishes 400000% but there's no one as drift compatible w him, until [idk, insert person of the otp of your choice, i don't have strong feelings abt this part lol]. mostly i enjoy the thought of jjong wandering around the shatterdome w roo tucked under his arm looking for max the bulldog and taking pictures of everything lol
 
I don't really care about Pacific Rim, but I care about anything automatically if Jonghyun is involved. This is how it is inside the pasta bowl that is my stan brain. 

Jonghyun is such a supportive person. He is a great sunbae to Exo and f(x), with his tweets and his showers of compliments and attention and fond fondness. He is like that toward his members too, and his family and whoever else. His devotion and straightforward affection for people, sigh ;~~~;!! If he likes a person, he throws himself behind them so totally. ilh
kerpingtack: jonghyun juliette rajvithi home for girls in thailand (SHOUJO ANIME)
I have really bad eating habits. I ate a couple of bites of a questionable chicken sandwich this morning, five pecans, and drank a bottle of water. Will probably go out to dinner tonight, at least? 

Timeline of mine real life: three weeks ago I had a lot of my anxieties reaffirmed, and I needed all of the next week to recover from it. Last Monday I cried in a sorrowful nervous breakdown kind of way. I want to stabilize myself this week. 

I'm going to legit work on my resume again and legit apply to teach in Korea. This is going to happen!! ~*I*~ am going to happen!!!!

I want to see Pacific Rim, The Heat, and Despicable Me 2. And How to Train Your Dragon 2 (June 2014!!). 

I really felt like Chorong was dead last Monday, which was a big part of why I cried so hard. But later I thought that if I don't know, why would I want to think of him as dead? When I drive home I take a sort of side country road. There's a small canal on one side and fields on the other for most of the way. I could see him walking on a fence clearly, and now it's a happy image. Like, now it doesn't make me profoundly sad to "see" him like that. Similarly, it used to make me so sad and overwhelmed to look at the fields, because it just seemed like there were so many places he could be, so many places I could miss. But now I look out and the furthest point I can see across the fields - he could be just beyond there. Just that much. Playing and lazing and sleeping and chasing things and being loved by the sun or the shade or whoever finds him or whoever has found him. 

I've let go of some of my selfishness as well. It's okay if we don't see him again, if he's alive and healthy. And I've done a lot to look for him, or all that I reasonably could, I think. I will keep looking but I'm not as wrung out and raw about it. 

There's a lot to be happy about and grateful for, even if it's gone now. We gave each other a good start anyway. I still haven't put away his food or litter box though, and I don't think I will have the heart to do it for a long time. 

I feel disordered. How do I become the person I want to be without punishing myself for the person I helplessly am, etc. The news is always depressing. God I need to eat something.
kerpingtack: kinomoto sakura: qt windblown aviator (it's fun~?)
Square candies that look round!

This was written May 31 and I never finished it and I have come to accept that this is the final state, so I'm just posting it now. Also I'm aware that my ~entries usually don't have any themes or whatnot. idk what constitutes a finished entry. It's just something that I am satisfied with, with some kind of personal closure or packaging of thoughts. 

songs
Hong Kyungmin - 순정 (Genuine) (live Koyote cover, IMS2 120721) [LQ youtube rip]
Final Fantasy (Owen Pallett) - Furniture
SNSD - Express 999
Panic! at the Disco - Mad As Rabbits
Devin Townshend - Sit in the Mountain
Kim Jonghyun - 시간이 늦었어 (It's Late) (live SHINee Day event 130525) [dl
Belle & Sebastian - String Bean Jean
Anni Rossi - Machine
The Go! Team - Huddle Formation
Moxy Früvous - Green Eggs & Ham (live at Amherst)
Dal Shabet - Pink Rocket

I read tons and tons of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle fic this week. My appetite is huge, I will just tear through a fandom and its underbrush reading all the fic I can find lol. There's a lottt of good stuff though. Everything by Klitch, Mikkeneko, shadow-of-egypt, aliferlia...

annoying self-involved things
I wonder if I tell myself stuff like "you're ugly" to convince myself of my unlikeliness for success, which in turn justifies my fear. If my self-doubt is justified, then my failure is guaranteed, then I don't have to try.

What does it even matter if I'm ugly or not? My train of thought: Because if I am, then it means that I have nothing, not even a nice shell, worthy of time or attention. And it means that the outside matches the inside. It doesn't make sense but it ~feels~ right haha. It's such a dumb thing to think about, but shamefully enough, I DO think about it, literally multiple times everyday. This presupposes that ~being ugly~ is an objective state to begin with. And if I try to spin it, like, "if I'm ugly TO ME" - that falls apart too, because I'll always be ugly TO ME, because... if I'm not, then...?

It's hard to think about these things, because just by thinking them, it makes them truer or stronger. Words are spells, and all that. If I say "I dislike myself" then it becomes something I can lean on, depend on, base other things around. Which is in part why I say it: I need something about myself of which to be certain, and I need a way to locate myself in the world. Or else I just feel so vague and formless and lost.

Maybe I feel scared of my potential. Or my own happiness. They're bundled inexorably with their opposites - failure, unhappiness. Thinking "I don't have any potential" is easier than trying. And I stay moored to that thought, because in my experience, trying is just humiliating and painful. I never had a payoff good enough to justify that risk. And I don't have the faith or strength in life to pursue things on principle. I keep my world small and manageable, and I try to stamp down the unhappiness that comes from that, because I don't want to be backed into a corner where I HAVE to fight for myself. If I don't mind it that much, then it's okay, I don't have to change or act. I don't want to be in turmoil. I don't want each inhale to press tears out of me.

I just made myself feel sad and hopeful and fragile just reading through my /quotes tag on my fucking tumblr. So many of these quotes are about how to let go, how to love in a way that doesn't harm yourself. But I can't let go of things because I feel like I have so little; if I let go, I won't have even that anymore. I've thought so much, I put myself in a deadlock every which way.

Elliptically relatedly, I realized that I am very drawn to story arcs where the character finds it within themselves to live for themselves. "In a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy." See: Fai from Tsubasa. Sanzo from Saiyuki, in his Burial arc story, counts for me too. I don't know how to articulate things further. "An interesting way of life, deny yourself the benefits of being alive."

AND BECAUSE ALL ROADS LEAD TO JONGHYUN: This is why I love Jonghyun. To cry a lot, to laugh a lot, to quietly give yourself confidence. To love the world and the people around you, including yourself in that love. It's such a difficult thing for me, unfathomably brave.
kerpingtack: cute drawing of japanese candy: pink blue white (bauble crie)
rough brain map by the tabs I have up in this Google Chrome window: 

- five tabs related to jjong 
- one tab for missing cats, but it's the first tab
- four tabs with various phone cases (3 etsy, 1 amazon)
- one tab for an article about Elementary
- one tab for an article about Hannibal
- one tab for an article about procrastination 
- two tabs for Teen Wolf fics
- one tab for a jongho fic on asianfanfics (THEY ARE FIREFIGHTERS AND MINHO THOUGHT JONGHYUN HAD DIED IN THE BUILDING BUT ACTUALLY JJONG JUST RESCUED A PUPPY FOR A LITTLE GIRL!!!!!!)
- one tab for twitter
- two tabs for New Girl tags
- two tabs for random people's tumblrs

but seriously, jjong just tweeted a poem about his dog and how much she ate, full of puns, along with a picture of her lying on her side looking stuffed and lazy lol. this boy is literally too good for life.

sunny on twitter and instagram is improving the world as well. i love how she manages to squeeze in the english translations/equivalents. and i love all the mentions of her laziness and poking-fun-at-self humor. ;;;;;; sunny my love ;;;;;

tv shows: elementary, teen wolf. rewatched a bunch of new girl s1 episodes today. will catch up on hannibal (stopped after ep 4 on account of how bored i was lol. i get bored sf fast ~__~)

jumbled uncategorized thoughts re: shinee/kpop fandom: 
- i made a very informed decision to care only about jonghyun, and it was a good one. and it came at a good time because the more onew exists, the more i dislike him.
- i was so stressed and angry when i was in shinee fandom, and i was constantly doubting myself and my own reactions. there was nothing within fandom, no kind of commentary or communal joy or anything, to draw emotions out of or bounce thoughts of.
- the comments on netizenbuzz articles (the ones made by ifans, not the ones translated in the articles) really emphasized how appallingly and egregiously eurocentric, petty, and blinder'd the discourse in this fandom is. i generalize because you seriously CAN generalize in kpop, everyone is just on the same level. and that level is like... yahoo comments. i include the pretentious people in this assessment as well (seoulbeats lol).

had a big tangle of thoughts about chorong but too tired now. will sleep and pull them out later. 

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counting at war

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