kerpingtack: jonghyun rdd mubank win: nonstop perfect faces (let's feel it a bit)
unfinished entry from 2016-01-29 06:30 pm:
i just want to create something that i'm happy with and that i can be proud of. i don't even mean in an abstract way. like literally, i just want to draw or knit or make a mix that doesn't fill me with disappointment and/or self-loathing

maybe social work was not a good idea LOL hahahahaha

falls upon my own sword

i keep yearning for the world to give me value bc i don't really think of myself as having inherent worth lol. it's not something i can logic into or out of. it's a matter of belief which is always going to screw me.

i haven't angsted over this in a long time bc being in a program and feeling like i had a trajectory gave me the, like, confidence? to discard it as irrelevant. like what's the point of thinking about whether you're a good person or not? just DO things in life the best you can. but now i'm really questioning the program itself and it is accordingly collapsing the sense that At Least I Am Doing Something. and when i take away the feeling that i'm working towards something achievable & worthwhile, i'm only left with myself as a person WHICH IS UNBEARABLE. what am i good at? am i good friend? daughter/sister/teacher? i try an okay amount but it's not enough

Well, well, well. Fast-forward seven months later, after being fucked over some more by the program, which then gave me an excuse to Not Care and fuck myself over even more: SOCIAL WORK: NOT A GOOD IDEA. But I'm already on the path and I can't step off of it without going back into the abyss. Formless fog!!!!!

I had an epiphany a couple of days ago. (There's actually no way to tell whether I have already had this thought and promptly forgot that I had it, so I'm blogging about it to keep record.) I'm staying in this horrible position working at my mom's office for seasons upon seasons, because I already think that I'll be unhappy no matter where I go or what I do. So I'm just leveraging unhappiness - if I'm going to be and feel shitty regardless, I might as well do it in a position that will give me SOME satisfaction at things that are definitely important to me (feeling like I am helping my mom/family), rather than risking feeling more incompetent at something new and more abstractly important to me (Doing My Part in Society). Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

It's the perspective of, like, "everything people do has a purpose". It's just that sometimes that purpose has become maladaptive. Internal logic, cohesive realities. Two related quotes:

the ep of It's Always Sunny when Dee ~walks a mile in Charlie's shoes~:
Dee: Those aren't real problems, Charlie.
Charlie: What do you mean, they're not real problems?
Dee: You make those problems up. You choose to do that stuff.
Charlie: Those are SOLUTIONS to problems.

Everything is a solution to a problem, it's just that the problems change and outpace the rate of solutions generated.
this article re: Trump supporters:
But, if you don’t take ["being racist"] as an end point — if you instead ask “what do people get out of being racist?” — you’ll start to unravel the emotional motivations behind it.
'What do people get out of this?' = 'So what is its function in society?' < this question always makes me laugh, and I can't adequately explain why. I think it's related to that article or column or whatever Ayn Rand wrote about cats. Anyway, I think this concept also has something to do with utilitarianism, but I'm too lazy and dumb to connect it properly.
The subject line is from Umimachi Diary. I watched it last night at our local ~indie~ theater. That theater always has really terrible timing, both in the releases and their showtimes. Last week, when my sister and my frand were both in town, they were only playing Cafe Society nonstop. Of course, the moment everyone leaves, there's like two or three interesting releases. Thanks for nothing, State Theater!!111 And the times are always at incredibly awkward times of the day (noon, 4pm, or 7pm).

In any case, I'm glad I watched it. It was a very lovely movie - almost idyllic at times, as everyone is so FRIENDLY, but pulled back from being out-and-out syrupy, especially by the performances by Ayase Haruka (who is so incredibly beautiful) and Hirose Suzu. It made miss all sorts of things - being at college when I watched a ton of movies at Melnitz, living with my sister, and the nebulous concept of being in Korea ~with my people~. I mean, I don't WANT to live in Korea, but the familiarity of some of the scenes kind of tricked me. Just that feeling of knowing, recognizing. We want so badly to connect to things and this impulse is never turned off. Anyway, it was a gentle look at people in real motion, filmed beautifully. On the theater website, the movie was was described as heartwarming, and I decided that my heart could do with some warming. Another apt description: "Miyazaki in real life" (from this review).

Paranoid worries of the day: Tomtom has fleas or ticks, worried that Melon has them too; Melon's hind paw is still infected :< ; Tomtom is so wild about going outside - gotta calm him down re: scratching at the window screens, how to block off the shed so he won't jump onto the fence.

In case anyone was wondering, I still love Jonghyun and I pray daily for him to change his hair.

card trick

Jul. 21st, 2011 09:37 pm
kerpingtack: google image of stained glass (candy floss)
Finishing an old entry on impulse. Really really long ramble about narratives, trying to change, and RPF. Completely unreadable, pls don't feel obligated AT ALL to go through it lol.

endless wonder )
kerpingtack: alec baldwin in beetlejuice (CHEKRD SHRT + GLASSES = YES YES YES!!)
My internetical problems have been resolved! 

A quick review:

It's only fair to warn you that there will soon be a Leonardo DiCaprio spam. I am so helpless. Someone on ontd said he looks like a bloated cat now. HE TOTALLY DOES. I LOVE HIS FACE. *___________*

I have the worst professor for intro soash (I have to retake it because life is terrible). He is such a fuckhead. His lectures are incomprehensible bullshit. I'm not joking. He's basically being paid to jerk off for two and a half hours a week. The class is fucking UNBEARABLE. It is nearly everything I hate about soash and academia and THE SYSTEM. (If he were a hipster, then it would be everything, but he's just an abrasive white guy who drives a convertible, not joking.)

On the other hand, I'm also taking a Soash of Mass Communications class and I really like it. OM NOM NOMMMMMM. The professor is gr8 gr8 gr8. He's funny and he knows his shit and he can quote things off-hand and knows stuff about economics, which is only second to knowing stuff about math in terms of impressing me. (Sexually.) But I'm pretty easy, I want to bone anyone who can explain things well. I had a substitute lecturer for my statistics class and he made sampling methods soooo clear, I was ready to lock myself in his car and follow him home. And I pretty much would have married my Philosophy 7 TA. If only Prop 8 hadn't been passed at the time!!

This paragraph is dedicated to my frond [ profile] neinstories: I'm so offended by the facebook movie. I don't give a shit if it's ~social commentary~ or part of the zeitgeist. FUCK THAT. Why the fuck does it have to be a movie? Why couldn't it be a documentary? Or a power-point presentation?? I'm just so fucking offended by the idea that even the (white male) people behind these bloated corporate dbag machines are considered culturally important. Like their actual, literal lives are good for entertainment, for ~art~. And I'm tired of this ubiquitous white guy with his fucking hoodie and his fucking nothing face. There are literally 50 million guys who basically ARE him. We're REALLY going to make a movie about this? REALLY?? It is shitfuck ridiculous, just a giant media circle-jerk. Why couldn't they at least do something like cast an elderly black woman as Mark Zuckerberg? Who the shit cares? I don't need to see White College Guy for two hours when I can see him literally fucking EVERYWHERE, all of them already starring in the movies of their lives. I wish there was some way that the movie could take away money from facebook, like it loses money with every ticket sold. That would be so beautiful. It's just so goddamn stupid. I really believe that any meaningful commentary this movie is capable of can be made in other places, without generating the levels of money and publicity that this movie will. Also, I  feel like the people giving good reviews for this are the same people who wrote articles about twitter like twelve years after it blew up. Like they're peering at this facebook phenomenon, clucking over the numbers, desperate to have some sort of grasp on the ~new social media~. DEAR GOD. Just. COME ON. IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT FACEBOOK. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE????

I saw a bandom recast of Inception somewhere and OH BANDOM. Inception barely has anyone not white and/or not male, and bandom still made it even more white and male. Sigh. Listen, I love my share of white boys (LEO DI'O <3___<3), but you have to laugh at how disproportionate it all is. I mean, if you don't laugh, you'll go fucking crazy.

I will be attending the shit out of this.

Can't believe it's October already. What's the what?
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I just got an email that definitively proves why OkCupid is a creepy pathetic ego boost:




LOL JESUS. I'm not even flattered by this. I mean I know I shouldn't be, but most times I'm still secretly all "tee hee, oh me~?". But this is truly embarrassing. Why did I associate myself with this?? Fucking OKCUPID.

JJB has a fever. I was sleeping next to him last night and all of a sudden I woke up because he was so hot. Seriously, he was so warm it was scary. He still has a fever now but it's not very high.

I'm watching a series of Jay Baruchel movies, kind of for no reason. I've watched She's Out of My League and I'm Reed Fish so far. Soon I will watch Fetching Cody. I just want a dumb brainless movie that's better than it looks with an actor I like enough to cling onto during the boring parts BUT not enough to be all invested. I chose Jay Baruchel because of that damn dragon movie. I LOOOVE THAT DRAGON MOVIE.

I'm desperately trying to avoid going to my mom's office. So awkward. I hate everything!!
kerpingtack: police frog doodle (copper)
I got a haircut yesterday, still not sure of it. It makes my head look like a wig. A really round wig. But~ I have been told that I am not the best judge of my own appearance, ho ho ho. I want to get it more layered, especially in the front, but that would make it look more like the haircut I've had for the past three years and I said I wanted a change. I look like I belong in a shitty kpop video.

OH how many thoughts I have about shitty kpop videos at this moment in my life! Short version: I drunk the Kool-Aid. I'm a SNSD fan now.

I watched She's Out of My League. It's like an Apatow-lite movie, but that's fine, since actual Apatow strikes me as gross and exclusionary and fucking boring as balls. Here I didn't feel like anyone actually violently hated women! I even liked Stainer, who was the Seth Rogen/Jonah Hill-type. The girls were also cookie cutter: the bad girlfriend, the good girlfriend, and the best friend, but whatever, it wasn't done too terribly and Alice Eve is cute and I think Krysten Ritter is crazy pretty. And for some dumb cheeseball reason, I enjoyed that last act, except for the shitty bad girlfriend v. good girlfriend ~juxtaposition. I'm so sick of that. Ye-heah. Hey if that movie had a different cast, I would've hated it for sure. The plot and all that it implies about Hollywood and romantic comedies and fucking Apatowism is... yeah. Not that the actors save the movie, it's a bit beyond saving and/or they don't tap into my well-developed reservoir of craziness (see: James Marsden in 27 Dresses), but they make it tolerable and amusing enough. Jay Baruchel is weirdly compelling. Maybe this is a holdover from that dragon movie (see: well-developed reservoir of craziness). He plays that stuttering "awkward" nerd-type character, which means I wanted to punch him hard in the face a couple of times, but he's sincere enough that he's not a Nice Guy. Also he's thin as fuck and has nice eyes, which is pretty good for me. I don't have any particular thoughts about Alice Eve, mostly because "Molly" had no particular personality besides being objectively gorgeous and not a bitch, but you could tell that she could be really good in an actual role and I liked her. She looks like Christie Brinkley. Urr durr. I wanted a dumb brainless movie that's better than it looks and wouldn't piss me off too much and that's pretty much what I got. No complaints.

I am awake for no reason!!
kerpingtack: police frog doodle (copper)
I took JJB to see the Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie today. He's a big fan of the books. I read a bit of the first one. I might've been into them if they were around when I was younger because it's pretty fresh and clever, but JJB went through a stage where he quoted it CONSTANTLY and WITHOUT END.

It was well done, and cute and amusing. The main kid (Zachary Gordon) was really good. Like, in hindsight it's almost weird. He carried the movie so well. He played the character exactly as it should be played: a smart kid. Not cute, not slick, not preternaturally mature, not precocious. Just a smart kid. That is so damn rare. And fun fact! He played young!Bloom in the beginning of the Brothers Bloom. He was pretty adorable there, too. The kid who played Rowley was also good, as was the know-it-all girl with the braids. Actually the kids were all solid. The only actors that were noticeably mediocre were the teenagers. The way they integrated the book and comics was cool. Overall the whole thing wasn't terribly cohesive but it was entertaining throughout. I kinda wish they gave the parents more stuff because surprise Steve Zahn! He's so likeable. And I liked Angie. LOL she was reading Howl in the first scene. 

- the Karate Kid remake looks REALLY GOOD. I was against it on principle but the trailer makes it look cool and interesting. AND I LOVE JACKIE CHAN.
- there's this upcoming computer animated movie called Despicable Me. The cast is INSANE: Steve Carrell, Dave Foley, Will Arnett, Jemaine Clement, Miranda Cosgrove, Julie Andrews, Jack Macbrayer, Mindy Kaling, Ken Jeong, etc FOREVER. They listed all the names at the end of the preview in time with the music and I was like HOLY SHIT with each beat.
- they're making a movie of the Ramona books (Beverly Cleary). The girl playing Ramona looks fantastic for the part. The girl playing Beezus is Selena Gomez. Okay. Doesn't Beezus have short hair? I'm not usually that nitpicky but Selena Gomez's hair always seems ENORMOUS compared to her TINY TINY FACE. And she's so Disney-pretty-floofy. Actually Selena Gomez seems like good people but she's just associated with SO MANY TERRIBLE TERRIBLE THINGS, and it looks like she'll be a big part of the movie in a conditioned-hair sparkly-make-up-preteen millions-of-accessories first-boyfriend giant-subplot hyphen-hyphen kind of way and whiiiiiine I want Beezus to be cool!! Not a Disney Jo Bro/Miley Cyrus/"Demi Lovato"... person.
- there is also a Disney documentary called ~Oceans~ and I might watch it.

It was fun to go the movie theater with JJB. We got popcorn and I smuggled in other snacks and he was all anxious for the movie to start during those stupid fucking commericals before the previews (seriously, what the fuck?? the movie theater is not a fucking television, we shouldn't be watching fucking car commericals). I want to take him to more! He wanted to watch that Percy Jackson movie but it's not out anymore, I don't think. I hear the How to Train a Dragon movie or whatever it's called is good. But I don't have monies to burn and just two matinee movie tickets + popcorn = $20+. Ugh monies. :(

Movies are expensive. I talk in sentences. This post only exists because I wanted it to exist, not because I wanted to write it. Boop boop boop.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I had a dream where Texas basically blew up (with ROCKET SHIPS) and we were invited to the ceremony where they congratulated the Obamas for uh not dying. And I had to make sure the quartet was going to play at the right time. My frond the bananaphone and I were talking about how it's un-American to be hot in the White House last night, maybe that's why.

I watched the Darjeeling Limited.
why is your head so bald )

how to... tie a tie
how to r... roll a joint
how to raise... a dragon
how to raise an... only child
how to raise an eyebrow

Firefox: Firefox cannot find the server at [x].
I always, always have this conversation in my head when I see that screen. whyyy do I talk so much to inanimate objectsssssssss

The only problem with modern day AUs for Sherlock Holmes fic is that I spend a quarter of my time going DOES WATSON STILL HAVE THE MUSTACHE. That mustache has a TIME and a PLACE and if a guy wore it now, he would look like a creep, even if he looked as good in it as M. Law does. He'd have to wear a suit all the time just to escape pedo classification. There is no way a mustache would be acceptable with everyday clothes. I am not crazy, I have proof in the form of hipster AU fanart* and Jude Law out of character (I don't have a link but imagine him looking CREEPY AND TERRIBLE). IF YOU THINK THESE THINGS ARE OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!! Anyway Watson is supposed to be respectable, and in this day and age that would mean being clean-shaven damnit. AUUUGHH MUSTACHES WITH REGULAR CLOTHES, GET IT AWAAAAAAY
*not that I'm saying the fanart is bad; it's amazing in its disgusting hipstery accuracy! except it makes me hate Watson with the power of everything for all that he represents.

Why am I so obsessed with how people name their files? I have a habit of saving documents with whatever phrase I feel like at the time. It is not the best system because this phrase is never descriptive so when I look back this happens like twenty times in a row:
'elsinore.doc', what the FUC-- *open*-- oh that's right
'it's not a hit.doc,' what the FUC--*open*-- oh that's right
'chick corea sings the blues.doc,' WHAT THE FUUUUC--*open*-- oh that's right
That last one is just dumb.


Feb. 22nd, 2010 11:21 pm
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)



kerpingtack: illustration for aladdin 1928 "Aladdin Saluted Her with Joy" (salut her with joy)


OR: Everything I have ever heard about Katharine Hepburn is true, and more.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I just finished watching Quantum of Solace like four seconds ago.

i'm on a time-lag from the rest of the world )


Feb. 8th, 2010 10:45 pm
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
ONE! I watched Tao and I loved it. It was so fun and strong. If you have a chance, go watch it, it's not as ~intenzze and heavy as the site makes it look; it's very very enjoyful and cool!! astonishing and lovely!! fun and yay!!

TWO! JJB turned 9 and his birthday party was pretty good!

THREE! I watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang! SO GOOD. It was honestly hilarious, which is not a word I use ~lightly. I laughed so much and I loved everyone, everything was gr8, Robert Downey Jr. was gr8, Michelle Monaghan was gr8, the directing was gr8, the soundtrack was gr8, the story was gr8, gr8 was gr8, etc. I haven't seen many RDJ movies but I'm thinking that he makes movies really fun. He's so endearing and cool and easy to watch. It's so delightful that I don't care if he only plays variants of himself. Anyway, balls-to-the-wall love.

FOUR! Kiss Kiss Bang Bang reminded me of another movie with a super fun narrator, The Opposite of Sex! I'm just throwing that out there. Christina Ricci was so good in that movie. Dede was such an awful bitch, goddamn. 

kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I sent my sad little application off to Blockbuster and F.Y.E. I left anything not required blank, including the "Additional Experience/Skills" section. That empty box said a lot about my life oh ho ho. Those personality assessments they make you take are extremely nervoussing for me, mostly because I have to lie a lot. If I were honest my personality profile would be: lazy, unmotivated, incompetent, afraid and resentful of people, cannot talk on the phone, does not initiate work, and guaranteed to be late without calling in at least 25% of the time.  The ONLY part of job applications I am confident about is the part where they ask if you if you've ever been convicted of a crime. OH HO HO, UNICRU OPERATING SYSTEMS, I AM HAPPY TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE NOT!

Ugh I need a job yet................... I don't want to work.................. how can this be?!!? I don't know what to make out of my life, I'm kind of suspended over it, looking for a time and place to land/crash and burn like the Hindenberg meeting a dinosaur and falling on top of an atomic bomb or something. Oh how can I think about shit like this so much. SO BORING. But yeah, no matter what job I end up with, I'm certain that I'll fuck it up.

I always have these long involved concentric circles of bullshit slugging around my head. sighhh

I half-watched this old Disney musical about "Hans Christian Andersen." I do not know where to begin. It was a very American Copenhagen. "Hans Christian Andersen"'s best friend was some 14 yr old farmboy Zefron character. Everyone kept singing. The terrible part was that the movie was ON DVD. Which means someone decided that this movie needed to be preserved in new mediums and kept in the cultural consciousness. I wish my LOLWTF ideas could be that well-funded.

Oh, you know, I was thinking that maybe I sabotage myself just so I can feel like I have some control over the situation. Everything exceeds my grasp, etc, but when I stay up too late or decide not to get up I know that I've kept part of myself, even if it's only to fuck it up. The pace of life is relentless. I'm still so sad about how it's all a day after a day after a day after a day, how it won't end.

On the other hand, I've left a few anonymous comments on the sherlockkink fic meme (lol shut up, I love grouchy bantering and domestic homogay) and that is PROGRESS for me. I'm so chickenshit, the comments aren't even REMOTELY anything to anon about -- they're all I LOVE THIS IT IS LOVELY YOU ARE AMAZING -- but oh! My god! Commenting!! I feel so stupid all the time, I don't know how I'm even alive.

Yeah so I've felt out of sorts and short-tempered and sad lately. I'm going to make myself feel better by enforcing some arbitrary time period on it and say: this January sucks ass. In fact, fuck all Januaries.!! fucknovembers is also ~pertinent, as is fuckjunes and fuckaprils and fuckoctobers. sighhhhh. It's always an investment in hope to carve up time like that. It makes me feel, however faintly, that the mood going to end soon because January doesn't last forever and I'm only having a bad month, this isn't me, at least all the time, it's only! and next month I can try again. 
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
Wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry am I awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake

I saw Sherlock Holmes wiff my good friend and I really liked it!! It was so fun and entertaining! Of course we missed the first 20 minutes (FFFFFUUUU GIRL IN FRONT OF ME IN FOREVER 21 LINE WHO RETURNED STUFF) but that's okay, since the plot was a lulz whatever kind of thing, but in a clever and engaging way!!! ILU Jude Law, I will never stop! ILU RDJ, you are reliably entertaining! ILU Holmes and Watson, you are sooooo in looooooooooooove!!! And ILU Hans Zimmer, you do very good film scores! Rachel McAdams, your weird 'accent' was distracting, but you also beat the shit out of guys with a rod, so that totally made up for it!! And you were wearing a waistcoat and that looked gr8!! Mark Strong, you looked like an evil Steve Carrell! ILU END CREDITZZZZZ

I alsoooo watched a production of Jesus Christ Superstar and my brain was whirring away the whole time with things like THIS KEYBOARD PANEL SOUND TECHNICIAN ISLAND WE'RE SITTING BEHIND IS VERY DISTRACTING and WOW THAT GUY HAS A DEEP VOICE and WHO THE FUCK KEEPS CLAPPING SO EARLY. No, it was a very good experience, I'm glad my mom forced me to go. The Temple scene was extremely good, I got chills (they're multiplyin') and such. Although I have the dumb, I'm not sure I understand the 'superstar' thing. Like at the end when he hallucinates or whatevers Judas in heaven and it's all razzle-dazzle televangelist TV special and I was like... "I know this is an important theme..................." Most of the time I was thinking about Judas and 'free will' when God makes everything happen anyway and why I don't believe in God and how Jesus seems like a dick if you try to relate to him as a human being instead of the Jesus. Man it must be so fun to work on a play. I want to work on a play or a movie sometime in my life!


ughhh why am I awake
I can't think too deeply about my life or future or else it will crush my head completely. D:


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counting at war

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