i just want to create something that i'm happy with and that i can be proud of. i don't even mean in an abstract way. like literally, i just want to draw or knit or make a mix that doesn't fill me with disappointment and/or self-loathing
maybe social work was not a good idea LOL hahahahaha
falls upon my own sword
i keep yearning for the world to give me value bc i don't really think of myself as having inherent worth lol. it's not something i can logic into or out of. it's a matter of belief which is always going to screw me.
i haven't angsted over this in a long time bc being in a program and feeling like i had a trajectory gave me the, like, confidence? to discard it as irrelevant. like what's the point of thinking about whether you're a good person or not? just DO things in life the best you can. but now i'm really questioning the program itself and it is accordingly collapsing the sense that At Least I Am Doing Something. and when i take away the feeling that i'm working towards something achievable & worthwhile, i'm only left with myself as a person WHICH IS UNBEARABLE. what am i good at? am i good friend? daughter/sister/teacher? i try an okay amount but it's not enough
Well, well, well. Fast-forward seven months later, after being fucked over some more by the program, which then gave me an excuse to Not Care and fuck myself over even more: SOCIAL WORK: NOT A GOOD IDEA. But I'm already on the path and I can't step off of it without going back into the abyss. Formless fog!!!!!
I had an epiphany a couple of days ago. (There's actually no way to tell whether I have already had this thought and promptly forgot that I had it, so I'm blogging about it to keep record.) I'm staying in this horrible position working at my mom's office for seasons upon seasons, because I already think that I'll be unhappy no matter where I go or what I do. So I'm just leveraging unhappiness - if I'm going to be and feel shitty regardless, I might as well do it in a position that will give me SOME satisfaction at things that are definitely important to me (feeling like I am helping my mom/family), rather than risking feeling more incompetent at something new and more abstractly important to me (Doing My Part in Society). Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.
It's the perspective of, like, "everything people do has a purpose". It's just that sometimes that purpose has become maladaptive. Internal logic, cohesive realities. Two related quotes:
the ep of It's Always Sunny when Dee ~walks a mile in Charlie's shoes~:
Charlie: What do you mean, they're not real problems?
Dee: You make those problems up. You choose to do that stuff.
Charlie: Those are SOLUTIONS to problems.
Everything is a solution to a problem, it's just that the problems change and outpace the rate of solutions generated.
But, if you don’t take ["being racist"] as an end point — if you instead ask “what do people get out of being racist?” — you’ll start to unravel the emotional motivations behind it.
'What do people get out of this?' = 'So what is its function in society?' < this question always makes me laugh, and I can't adequately explain why. I think it's related to that article or column or whatever Ayn Rand wrote about cats. Anyway, I think this concept also has something to do with utilitarianism, but I'm too lazy and dumb to connect it properly.
In any case, I'm glad I watched it. It was a very lovely movie - almost idyllic at times, as everyone is so FRIENDLY, but pulled back from being out-and-out syrupy, especially by the performances by Ayase Haruka (who is so incredibly beautiful) and Hirose Suzu. It made miss all sorts of things - being at college when I watched a ton of movies at Melnitz, living with my sister, and the nebulous concept of being in Korea ~with my people~. I mean, I don't WANT to live in Korea, but the familiarity of some of the scenes kind of tricked me. Just that feeling of knowing, recognizing. We want so badly to connect to things and this impulse is never turned off. Anyway, it was a gentle look at people in real motion, filmed beautifully. On the theater website, the movie was was described as heartwarming, and I decided that my heart could do with some warming. Another apt description: "Miyazaki in real life" (from this review).
Paranoid worries of the day: Tomtom has fleas or ticks, worried that Melon has them too; Melon's hind paw is still infected :< ; Tomtom is so wild about going outside - gotta calm him down re: scratching at the window screens, how to block off the shed so he won't jump onto the fence.
In case anyone was wondering, I still love Jonghyun and I pray daily for him to change his hair.