note: under constant neverending edit (NOT EXAGGERATING)
note @ 110723: wow I think I may actually be able to leave this alone now. it's as complete as it's gonna get, beside some ~supplemental source posts I've decided to lose my mind over :d
TAKE IT ANYMORE
WHY IS MY FACE ALL RED!!!!!! HOW CAN THEY BE SO FUCKING CUTE GODDAMN THEM ALL
DON'T EVEN TRY TO TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW THEORETICAL INTERNET AUDIENCE I AM FUCKING OUT OF ORDER
edit @ 6:58 OKAY NO I CAN'T LEAVE IT AT THAT
I WAS LIKE CLAWING AT MY FACE AND CLUTCHING MY PEARLS WHILE WATCHING IT
OKAY SO IT'S ONE THING TO BE PROUD OF SEEING THEM DANCE AND HOW TOGETHER THEY ARE AND HOW FLUIDLY AND UNFF-ILY THEY HIT THEIR MOVES
BUT IT'S ANOTHER TO FEEL PROUD LOOKING AT THEM JUST SITTING THERE WITH THEIR HAIR???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ;~~~~~~~; JUST LIKE WOW LOOK AT YOU, YOUR HEADS ARE ALL DIFFERENT COLORS I'M SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS!!!!!! MY LIFE IS SLIPPING THROUGH MY FINGERS
JONGHYUN AND TAEMIN SWITCHED PLACED IN THE NON-LINEAR INTERVIEW FORMATION SO NOW JONGHO ARE SITTING DOWN NEXT TO EACH OTHER. (!!!!!!!)
MINHO'S JACKET LOOKS LIKE A HOT WHEELS CAR FROM THE 90s
KEY IS SMUG AT BEING THE BEST AT JAPANESE
ONEW APOLOGIZES FOR MAKING A PUN ABOUT FROGS GOING HOME
TAEMIN HAS A COSPLAYER
OH GOD I WAS SPACING OUT WATCHING ALL THOSE PERIODS MARCH ACROSS THE SCREEN
YES OKAY THAT'S IT EXACTLY
Came back to LA on Monday in an excruciating seven hour drive. My sister and I were originally going to leave Sunday night but the Grapevine closed in the afternoon because of snow and then the alternate route closed because of snow too, which was super fantastic!!! So we had to drive way out of the way. Seriously, it looks dumb on google maps. And we missed all our classes that day too.
My schedule for this quarter is so exhausting. I don't have any classes on Friday but I'm basically on campus 6+ hours Monday through Thursday and I can't fit in all my work hours so I have to go on campus for work on Friday anyway.
My sister was dropping hints at me all evening today, all ~the latest episode of Modern Family is really good~ and ~do you want to watch it? :) ~ so I did and omg she loves me so much. JAMES MAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSDEN
When will Parks & Recreation return? I miss Leslie Knope so much.
LOL I remember when I thought I was asexual in high school and being confused because I had never been properly attracted to anyone before. I'm honestly on a time lag from the rest of the world. FLIPPING OUT OVER A COLOR CODED BOY BAND AT 22, FUCK YEAH! When I think about it I had such little interest in guys as a child/pre-adolescent except as a prop for the girls I liked, and I was quite girl-focused until, like, high school. My childhood books were the Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley, and Little House; my first big media obsessions were Sailormoon and Charmed (lol I know, I loved it though). Actually when I think about who my favorites were in Sailormoon and how my tastes or whatever changed it's pretty weird/interesting. (For the record it went from Ami/Mercury --> Haruka/Uranus --> Yaten/Starhealer and now I quite like Minako/Venus. Strange group.) Then in high school I discovered slash and all my media fixations were sausage fests from then on. In retrospect I think it was because I was intimidated by sex and was really disconnected from/in denial of my body/physical existence so I avoided, like, relating to girls so I wouldn't have to think of myself in relation to them. Which is dumb, but that goes without saying. At the same time I was curious about sex and figuring out what I liked, thus all the shitty slash/yaoi fic I read. Now I'm pretty sure that I'm mostly straight. I find way more girls attractive than guys, in that I think that the ratio of good-looking girls to good-looking guys in the entire world is ridiculous, and I'm a fucking creeper in real life; I'm always staring at girls and ~admiring them. But when a guy does it for me, he REALLY does it for me. It's all kill. I don't know what the wall is for me and going all out to love a female in the media, like to the level I would for a dood. Maybe I just love them ~in different ways~.
Uh anyway my soash of ~crime TA is Scottish!! It is AMAZING how much this enhances section for me. Before he spoke I thought he was just another blandsome white dude in American Apparel/Abercrombie clothes but after he said he wurz from Scotland and went to Cambridge and all that I was like OMG U R CHARMING even though he's not really. He spent like fifteen minutes grumpily bitching and warning off anyone possibly bothering him about grades but all of a sudden in the middle of trolling through the syllabus he said, "I can sound like a real asshole but I swear I'm very nice." LOL awww. He came to talk to our group and he looked me in the face while explaining something or another and jeeeeeeesus christ Liz Lemon was totes right, good-looking guys have eyes like tractor beams. I was like ._. o_o O_O OOOO_____OOOOO, I could not look away. wat da fuque.
Also I got all dressed up today because I'm only on campus a few hours. I feel cute as hell even though I know my eyes are all dead from my glorious two hours of sleep. Mrowwwr.
Celebr8ion!!! Don't give a shit, gonna post this gif+picspam I've had ready!!!
From my bullshit study assignment:
The self-organization and collective action of women (or a "women's movement") is a decisive determinant of the relative "social constraints" and "body of law" codifying the relative personal, civil, and political rights of women or of "gender inequality."
THIS SENTENCE. SAYS. NOTHING. It is a completely null set. Okay, it does say something, but in the wordiest and most meaningless way possible. You could condense it into five words, "women's movements change gender inequality," but he HAAAAS to cram all those fucking clauses and useless "phrases" in there. What the fuck, that's the kind of shit I do, and this asshole is being PAID for it. I fucking hate the professor. And academia in general for its douchemongering support of assholes like him. Ugh the worst is that he isn't even the worst.
fuckin A why am I not able to understand regression? I have so much dumb.
Speaking of which, my angst with people used to be more focused on how much of an asshole everyone was. Now I'm in the process of accepting how fucking stupid people are. I include myself.
It was windy yesterday! My favorite weather. I always get in a good mood when I walk when it's windy. lol alliteration~ It's finally starting to get cold now. Winter clothes are starting to appear and omfg, I LOVE winter clothes. COATS. GODDAMN.
( segregating the kpop )
( a series of creeper comments about jonghyun )
there's a guy from my class here too. i wonder if he is also thinking this was a bad idea. wtf why did prof recommend this ~mini-course~ it is not a good review for the class at all, it is for like stats majors or people doing research
girl kitty-corner from me is looking up the beatles on itunes
i am enjoying looking at/listening to lecturer. he is ph.d stats student. tall slim sarcastique japanese guy. his face makes you want to keep looking at it. he's kind of beautiful. his outfit ever-so-slightly does not match. he's wearing like these brown leather loafer slippers with a buckle. omg i love buckles. his voice is very dry and he has a very slight accent. mostly in the way he drops the articles or plurals/verb tense endings in his sentences.
i am pretending that i'm typing notes by looking up every so often and staring intently at the power point.
bad thing about being into kpop is that there is no way to look up anything in front of other people. so embarrassing. just want to stare at jonghyun's face in another batch of five hundred pics/gifs/vids
if kpop had anywhere near the ~quality of fic that bandom or popslash got i would die a million happy deaths. i guess this is the trade-off for the number of girls and attractive people. i still don't get how popslash ever got a following, basic white boys everywhere. it is worse x1000 for the jonas brothers.
bifor i got into kpop i thought the fandom was huge. it is but it's obvs internatl and the kfans keep their shit locked down and there are things in diff languages etc. even in the english-speaking fandom there's not a lot of fandom content. besides wank. the avg age strikes me as verrrrry young. like there are a lot of tumblrs. the fic reflects this
on the other hand, the media content is gorgeous. shinee fans are especially amazing. the fan photos are seriously professional quality. the cameras are good but the fans are really skilled/talented. there are like multiangled fan cams, it's like a dvd for real. onnn the other other hand, ugh it's hard to find well-subbed videos plus the korean broadcasting companies are stingy cockblocks and keepp removing shit from youtube. this REALLY makes no sense, the subs are literally free promotion. if you're watching subs on youtube you obvs are not and cannot be pt of the normal consuming audience. the youtube clips can only get them more money.
my bod is so misshapen and embarrassing. and i need new shoes.
stats people are so inherently nerdy. they just like data. i am jealous, i wish i just liked information for its own sake. i srsly do not enjoy learning. am lazy as fuck
the borders on route to school is closing down and they're having a close-out sale. gotta get on that
soc 1 class continues to be excruciating. the prof is a pathetic drama queen. lol i really hate him! nothing he says has a point. i'm worried about the final b/c i do not understand what the fuck we are supposed to be doing. i don't feel like i've learned anything and i don't even feel like it's my fault!
i legit have a crush on jonghyun. i swear i have NEVER had such a physical reaction to my other media obsessions. that peace sign in hello!!!!! i srsly start giggling unctrllably. my sister thinks i'm crazy. i think he is the first asian guy (lol or non-white in general) that i've reaaaally loved. i'm rly starting to see the similarities in the people i'm ~drawn to: big eyes, nice cheekbones/jawline, embarrassing and/or dorky in some way, good voice. and once i'm drawn, it's fucking game over, i'm in for life. JONGHYUN
oh the lecture is wrapping up
bye lecturer, i like your face + shirt. srry i don't understand anything you're talking about D:
I've been sick for a couple of days now even though I was asleep more than I was awake for the same couple of days. The cumulative effect is that I feel like I've been asleep longer than I've been alive. I'm just so tired. I haven't eaten anything all day and yesterday I basically had a waffle and a few strawberries, ende.
I think my flash drive is broken. I am so dead inside right now. I had ALL my pictures on there. ALL OF THEM. You guys don't understand, I save EVERYTHING. There was a fucking CATACOMB of folders in that drive. I'M SO DEAD INSIDE. I have most everything backed up from April 2009, but that's almost a year ago. I KNEW I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE PARANOID
I'm lonely from all the things I don't understand, experience, appreciate, etc. From the time I was in the throes of pre-adolescent fuckery, I wanted to be a thousand different things at once so I ended up being nothing. Depression = paralyzed with hope (tm Maria Bamford).
Plus, I'm super crazy. I've been going to my mom's office to "help" with work (actually I'm useless) and my mom told me the other day that her boss said I was pretty (not in a creepy way). I was flattered for a second before I thought MAYBE SHE MADE THAT UP TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT BEING UGLY. These days I even know I'm not ugly most of the time, so where did that thought come from? Unending paranoia I suppose.
om nom nom new fandom om nom nom Sherlock Holmes om nom nom Jude Law
Half the time he looks like a fucking serial killer and the other half he just looks like an asshole. Nevertheless he is honestly very good at being very beautiful. *____*
( DAMN STRAIGHT IT'S A PICSPAM )
Actually upon a close and thorough re-reading, the above paragraph makes no sense. Shockku!!!!
I hate nablopomo. It's a tease, seeming like an easy way to gain a sense of accomplishment when really -- really! -- it's just irritating.
So I found about Songs to Wear Pants to yesterday and tis cool. My favorites are Superman v. Spiderman for obvious reasons and Hidden Camera Show because I am sappy and I love the letter the guy wrote. And We Are Robot Pirates! I never got, and never will get, the appeal of pirates, just like I DO NOT understand why people have ANY OPINION AT ALL about vampires, but lol this is pretty well-done. "[Polly] helps to defend our ship from many attackers -- Who's your biggest enemy? Computer hackers!!" Also impressive: This Girl (excellent burn), Shoot the Zombies (nails the prompt 100%), and Celtic Techno Burrito (q: what the fuck does Celtic techno sound like? a: this song).
JJB is sick AGAIN. What on earth is wrong with his immune system? He roped me into playing a Yu-Gi-Oh (what an annoying fucking name) duel with him. He's all toned down and sadly endearing when he's sick, I couldn't yell NO and hold him upside down like I normally would. He beat me soundly, of course, and it's not just because the game makes no fucking sense to me and I have no interest in winning. He's got skillz. He beats all the older boys at church. Confession: I went through a brief Yu-Gi-Oh (the show) phase in high school. Yeah I was a weirdo. My favorite character is Jounouchi because he's the best!! And his name is fun to say. (In addition to pirates and vampires, I will also NEVERRRRR understand the appeal of the Seto Kaiba type. You see them everywhere in anime/manga and they're always popular with the ladiezzzzz. I literally cannot comprehend how they are attractive.)
I still haven't talked to San Francisco guy (codename: Chef Boyardee), haw haw haw. I keep saying that I definitely will yet I have little to no resolve to actually do this. It's like writing an essay, or studying for a test! Fuck man, why do people have to be so scary and terrifying? Why couldn't we just email for another month or two AND THEN acknowledge that the other person exists in the corporeal world?? Noooooo it has to be phone calls and webcam and 'hay come to San Francisco.' And he STILL has the nerve to expect 'prompt' replies!! YOU DON'T GET BOTH, MAN. I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE AND I HATE BEING EXPECTED TO REPLY RIGHT AWAY. graaaaarrrrrr no. NO! Also webcam is fucking awkward if you've never met the person in real life so I hate that too.
I am going to die alone.
This squishy-cute cool guy from San Francisco messaged me, and I replied back, except then (because I'm a loser) I re-read what I wrote 10 minutes later, panicked that maybe I sounded bitchy, AND THEN FLIPPED OUT AND WROTE HIM A SPAZZY APOLOGY EMAIL THAT ENDED WITH "KINDLY PRETEND THAT THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. AUUUGHHH AWKWARDDDDDDD.
Okay I need to stop hanging around OkCupid. It is turning me into a bigger creeper than I already am. o____o
I'm still kind of freaking out re: my 21ness. Oh god, when did this happen? HOW could I have let this happen?? TWENTY ONE. That is YEARS. That is MORE THAN TWO DECADES. How could I have gotten to this age without getting any of my shit together?? I never had a clear picture of what I wanted to be like when I was older, but I am positive that if little kid!me saw present!me, she'd well and truly go "wtf." Whatever I thought, this was not it.
This has been running through my head all week like a ticker tape: "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." THE FREAKING BIBLE, SELF?! Oh well, it's catchy. sig~h
Right. Sooo... I spent all day editing my OkCupid profile... in case you didn't know, OkCupid isn't just a place for long personality quizzes. It's a... online... dating site. Yeah. Um..... I don't know... I don't really expect to find anyone, but since I haven't yet been accosted by my true love in the grocery store or JJB's school or... those are pretty much the only places I go. Okay, since no one has thrown themselves at my feet proposing marriage yet (GOD what is TAKING THEM so LONG), it's nice...? to have this open...? ...? ...? I guess "looking for a significant other" would've made more sense when I was in college, but everyone was so utterly terrifying wtf. AND LIBRARY GUY HAD A GURLFROND. Who was like EXACTLY as nothing-faced and flat-chested as I was (*uncharitable*) so AUGH why not meeee Library Guy, is it because I never spoke to you and don't even know your last name and I had that one dream where we got MARRIED?
Alright, that went off-track. I'm also trolling craigslist. I'm a little disturbed by how often the phrase "REAL WOMEN ONLY" comes up. What does that mean? Are they talking about spam or inflatable dolls or transgendered people or dirty dirty whores or what? Agh this is all such a hopeless endeavor! What am I even doing!!
Dilemmas: posting my ethnicity. On the one hand, I don't want to hide it or anything. On the other, I don't want to invite the kind of people who would be attracted to "21 yr old Asian girl who looks 15." Relatedly, wot picture to put up? Leave it blank? It makes sense to put a good picture up, but I don't want to falsely advertise, like "here's what I looked like that one time at that one angle when my hair looked good and I didn't look tired and I didn't look like middle school jailbait and you couldn't see my teeth and Mercury was in retrograde."
Actually I'm getting more okay with the way I look, except for the looking like a 15 yr old thing. That still bothers me a lot. But for the most part, I've accepted that this is what I look like so I might as well live with it and do the best I can. I'm getting all into finding a personal clothing style (I'm getting a terrible feeling that I REALLY like wearing dresses), I'm thinking of trying to learn to put on make-up, and just all this stuff! But weirdly, while I'm trying to take up the space in my body more fully, I feel like way detached from it. I wrote a longcat entry about it a few weeks ago but LJ ate it and then I couldn't get it up again. Summary: it's hard to connect me with my physical body, it's confusing to me. It's weird to think that the me in here is connected to the me out there, tied to a face I didn't choose, hanging there like a store front across space and time. Sometimes I get tripped out when I stand up quickly and walk somewhere, like "what exactly is happening here...?" Like I'll look in the mirror and it's surprising, all "that's not me, because there is no 'me' to see." I am like one-fifth of a real person or something, I don't even know.
I hope those two things aren't connected, like the more I think I look okay, the less I feel that's 'me'. Like, I'll only identify with myself if I feel gross every time I look at myself? That's not good.
LOL there's a guy who put a craigslist ad entirely in lyrics to Cake's Short Skirt/Long Jacket.
God I'm hungry. rarwwwrrrrrrrrr
McCartney II = RIDICULOUSLY awesome, except for the song called "Frozen Jap," which I have renamed "Frozen RACIAL SLUR" in my iTunes. I found ONE interview (here) where someone asks him about it and his explanation is not too bad. Basically, "Frozen Jap," "jap" being an abbreviation of "Japan... Japanese winter... Mt. Fuji... ~Orientalness~," was a working title that stuck. In Europe (at the time? I'm not sure how it is now) the word wasn't too terrible, so he only heard protests after the album came out. He changed the title for the Japanese edition to "Frozen Japanese." I can believe this. It's definitely damage control, but I buy it. I did some (shallow) research and there are indeed regional differences in how offensive the word is. Like in most of Asia, today at least, "Jap" is an acceptable abbreviation for "Japan/Japanese" so... yeah. It's enough to make me feel better. It's good that I found this interview and someone fucking asked about it; I was going crazy for a while. "He wouldn't have called it that if he knew how it's a RACIAL SLUR in some parts of the world... but how could he not know?!? OMMMGGGGG WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?!?" Racial insensitivity is a pretty big fucking dealbreaker for me. Paul doesn't have a history of it, more the opposite actually, but yeah, fuck, Paul McCartney, why couldn't you have saved me the heartache and called it "Frozen Polar Bear" or SOME fucking thing?? Or I wish he would've changed the song title completely, not just for the Japanese version. Well, seeing how I only found ONE interview where someone addressed it, I guess it was not a big enough deal to merit the change. Urgh argh oorgh.
I have a midterm due tomorrow and it's pretty bullshit. Like "write an essay that addresses all parts of a really broad topic in one-page-double-spaced" bullshit. That's not an essay, that's a fucking short answer. The readings are boring and dry and full of a lot of nothing, much like my boring, dry, full of a lot of nothing professor. This MacKinnon person is fucking tiresome. There are like 10 pages of her explaining why all previous work on the subject has been WRONG WRONG WRONG. Jesus, just fucking explain why you're RIGHT or just fucking say what exactly you're adding to the fucking discussion. People are, like, always on the defensive in academia. At least in the social sciences. ~MYYYY perspective is necessary because everyone else thus far has neglected the most IMPORTANT PART EVER!!~ But whereas some writers limit this to the first page or so, MacKinnon just goes onnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnn. And she's uses words like "concomitant" (adj.; existing or occuring with something else; concurrent) and "detumescence" (n.; reduction or subsidence of swelling) and "sui generis" (adj.; of his, her, its, or their own kind; unique) when she could've just said "I am ostentatious as fuck" and "I have poor sentence construction and leave pronouns hanging around willy-nilly without any referrents" and "SORRY YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP BECAUSE OF MY WRETCHED ESSAY." Yeah, me too.
Some guy in my co-op is into 10 year olds who wear corrective boots, I guess, because he hit on me while I walking out of my aparment. At first I was really confused, all OMG DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? Because he just came out of nowhere and was like "do you live there?" I was all "omg I'm sorry I put the regular trash in one of the recycling bins that one time, I couldn't find the bin for the regular trash!!" but then he just uh started hitting on me? He asked if he could ~knock on my door~ sometime and I just said uhhhh okay because I was flustered as hell. WTF I look like a middle schooler. And I'm wearing a boot! Guys, I don't know if I'm okay with pedo boot-fetishists. (The exchange wasn't as creepy as I made it sound btw, I am just scared of people. And LIFE!)
I watched a few clips from Across the Universe today. I still object to its, like. EXISTENCE. Some parts of it are AGGRESSIVELY ANNOYING because of how fucking dumb it is. If I wanted to glaze my eyes in a sauce made out of stupid, I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE MOVIE. Also, Evan Rachel Woods is a sack of nothing with a face of nothing. What a black hole of mediocrity.
To be fair, part of why I think this movie is so irritating are the fans who hella cream themselves over it. You know. "ATU is the BEST MOVIE EVER! It is sooo moving! I didn't even KNOW who the Beatles were before it/The songs are BETTER than the originals!" Oh lord. Anyway, consensus seems to be that the film is uneven at best, so there were a few cool parts. (That were inevitably ruined by obnoxious dialogue and obnoxious people.) Though I didn't personally like the style that much, the movie was very visually inventive and uhh... choreographed. I liked the use of conveyor belts! And the wordless Day in the LIfe. I've Just Seen a Face was super charming. I Want to Hold Your Hand was sort of very lovely and sweet. And I could very well appreciate what they did with I Want You (She's So Heavy). Strawberry Fields Forever was stupid, but kinda cool. (But stupid.) I don't know. Bleh and blah.
My sister revisited Progressive Boink recently, so I checked in on it too. I totally forgot how fucking awesome they are. I LAUGHED SO HARD, SO MUCH AT THE SKY MALL SERIES. This makes me feel really good about 2008, even though 2008 personally sucked itself into a vacuum-sealed black hole for me. I still have a internet crush on Mike Fireball. Le side note, well-written movie reviews make me feel like I'm MISSING OUT on LIFE. LIFE!
I have 5317 songs/14 days/18.75 GB worth of music on my iTunes at the moment. My to-get music list remains hefty. D: