kerpingtack: jonghyun juliette rajvithi home for girls in thailand (SHOUJO ANIME)
For various (read: like... two) reasons, I went through a bunch of my old lj posts. I - I was pretty funny! Like, there are still a lot of cringe-worthy phrases, employed either in the name of humor (offensive) or Profoundness (dumb), and I was definitely old enough to know better, but... yeah, I'm surprised. You weren't so bad, you ol' sonuvagun.

I think a couple of years ago I wanted to make a big block of text about wanting to take back or update the Western-centric things I said about Korean culture. BUT I FORGOT WHAT I SAID, WHAT I WANTED TO SAY, AND WHAT THE POINT OF ANY OF IT WAS.

idk. Sometimes change happens in such unannounced increments. I'm surprised by some of the things I wrote out of ignorance and/or an unexamined life. I needed to work through them, and thankfully I did. And at times, I did it without specifically realizing it? I'm talking about this too vaguely lol. For example: I used words like "retarded" maybe as late as early college?, then later "homogay" for ~comedic effect. I also said the word "bitch" A LOT?? (I still say it occasionally, but I don't swear as much in general.) I just didn't think about it enough, I didn't take it seriously. I also remember really working my way through the concept of "white saviors"/white point-of-view characters in stories about POC and genuinely feeling conflicted about maybe "needing" that "buffer" - I think it was after I watched Blood Diamond. But I kind of course-corrected on my own, maybe slowly, but it happened. idkk. I'm selfishly glad that I got the space and time to do that without being called out by someone else. I mean, it would have been well-deserved but it still really would've destroyed me, just because ANY small thing regularly smooshed me flat back then. I would not have had the context to be like, this is not about you - it's about what you said, and it's necessary for you to be able to rise out of this interpersonal level into the systemic one.

It really is a process of unlearning. Growing pains.

Here is what I wrote today at Starbucks whilst ignoring my reading:

I feel regret for my past self at times. It's hard to treat yourself as you would treat a friend because you just know too much, but at the same time you don't see enough.

I'll be 27 soon - it's been almost ten years since I first started college. There's a lot that I feel sad about during that gap. I was so strangled by my feelings of inadequacy, I couldn't accept that I was actually understanding the things I was learning. Then I would beat myself about the head for being too stupid and dull to ~get it. To me, there was so much pressure to know yourself, know your future, to have already done things so you could do more things. But - I was so scared of doing anything. I wasn't capable of saying hi to people in an elevator. I felt like I was made of mistakes. Every little hiccup in a day laid me flat.

I really like the idea of progress as a spiral. You think that you haven't changed because you're feeling the same things as you did in the past, but you're really just passing through a similar point, expanding your life a little at a time. Traveling further from the dark center that represents a bad point, maybe THE bad point, in your life.

And then, nearly ten years later, you can look back in surprise. Not just that you're different now from how you were then, but that the old you wasn't so bad after all. They deserved some shelter, too. They did the best they could and tried hard. What they didn't know and couldn't feel was only possible to be known and felt through experience. The you now is that organic sum.

Anyway. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS PAPER.


I thought about it because I was at the ~Methods~ part of the reading, and I could (very very distantly) recall my undergrad methods class. And I thought, I could probably actually understand it now - actually, maybe I could have understood it then, too. But I just felt like none of it applied to me/could be applied by me. What research would I do? I didn't have an interest or a passion or an idea. I didn't have the courage necessary to initiate a n y t h i n g. I had no conception that I was capable of Doing. It was so scary and intimidating. Hopeless, really.

And I was only able to realize that I could've done it back then because yesterday, I dug up my notes from my undergrad statistics course to help JJB with his math homework. I was BLOWN AWAY by them lmao. Just, like, I couldn't understand a goddamn thing in them, and I remember struggling and falling asleep during class and panicking because I was missing chunks from different units, but my notes must've still been correct in some way because I got an A in the class. I was SO SMART to have been able to cobble that together????

idk. There's the POTENTIAL, I guess. But as I think about it more, it's embarrassing to be impressed by that lol. Especially since I'm not being academically challenged in the least in my program now, and I'm still having such a hard time. So - which is it?? Am I Lazy and Undisciplined for not trying to Engage my Mind to the extent it's capable of, or am I Stupid and at my Maximum Level now? I know that this is a terrible and false distinction to make. I'm still making it!!!!

I also have a lot of unorganized feelings about history and my current view of life and Hamilton and stuff.

Okay, last thing: I skimmed the comments of my old lj entries too. I feel really grateful and touched by everyone who was frondly to me. idk. It's not a Big Deal, except that it is, but not in a weird burdensome way lol ;;;; But like. Each comment was a point of contact, and it mattered.

Ugh this post suxx. I don't want to write this paper. T__T
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
It's the last week of the quarter now and the pressure is making my head cave in. I keep having all these surreal moments where I feel like I'm tilting out of my fucking life. I have so many fucking papers to write. omg why did I do this to myself again. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I still haven't gotten the incomplete grade from last quarter settled either. I am a master of self-sabotage.

Also my left hand keeps shaking. Why are you doing this to me body? TO US??

What happened to Daesung of Big Bang/what Daesung of Big Bang did (I'm still a little confused on what the fuck actually happened) is seriously one of things I'm most afraid of. I fucking hate driving.

I spent a while rereading old entries again. I really can never tell if I'm more wretched than I was then or less. I think I'm less like ~intellectually curious now, though that doesn't take much. I've closed up a lot and I'm really so fucking disenchanted with school and academia. It's tiring to like... think. Ahaha. Fuck shit I need to get my work done.

I went on a mini-death spiral of related videos on youtube. For some reason it turned into like a tour of mathematical kpop; I watched B2ST, 4minute, 2NE1, and f(x). I really like Hyuna! She's fun to watch not just for the obvious (hot) but because she looks comfortable and like she's actually enjoying herself when she dances, and that goes a long way towards ~me being comfortable and enjoying watching her. She's one of the girls in kpop that I think really owns her sexuality, or if not that, at least is comfortable with her body and its capacity to move. Like, she's not afraid of following through, like with using her hips all the way, etc. I also like Minzy, she's really cute. And all of f(x). Krystal and Jessica both have that weird ~it~ quality on-stage. (I'm quite prickly about comparing sisters but in this case I do think they have a similar presence.) Uh B2ST was really underwhelming. I admit that I have some stuff built against liking them though, like the fact that I don't find any of them attractive in the least, none of them have distinctive voices, and they have too many counts of cultural insensitivity/unnecessary fuckery associated with them, intentional or not (Kikwang's blackface itself and the band members' comments on it, refusing to wear kimonos in Japan, ). I don't really hold them accountable for those things but it's work to block it out. God I still live in terror of the possibility of my favorites revealing themselves to hold the fucked up normative views on race, gender, etc. THE BUBBLE MUST STAY PROTECTED ;~~~~~;

I LOVE SMTOWN'S LET'S GO ON A TRIP. The Korean word has like a connotation of vacationing/holidaying, idk, it makes it really really cute to me. And I love when a bunch of people are sining cheerfully together. (Caveat, also when they're at least trying to be in tune. I hate that joyless limp hipster indie twee shit.)

And I really really like SHINee's Scar. Is it not popular with the fandom or something? I never hear people talking about it. It's pretty damn good.

Finally caught up on Parks & Rec! LESLIE ;~; Leslie/Ben is cute and all but I think my favorite relationships on the show are Leslie/Ann and Leslie/Ron. And Ron/Parks dept. ahaha. UGH the ending of the uh second to last episode, omffffg SO PERFECT I was like clutching myself for dear life. Otherwise! Jean-Ralphio is a good example of how a perfectly executed character can become annoying with overexposure. Uhh Chris is also the other obvious example. LOL I'm really really annoyed with him and how the show is pushing him now. WHAT THE FUCK at that ~comforting the crying woman scene. My sister and I were like disgusted, lol. I really really hope they drop the Jerry bullying joke for the next season. They've already sort of toned it down from season 2 so I hope that continues. It's the only thing that honestly bothers me about the show. It's too reminiscent of the Office.

I know kpop is cute but why is the fic also so cute? LOL that's such a vapid way of phrasing it. I mean everything's really ~vanilla. You can really really tell the fandom is young by the fics. It's not necessarily bad but uhh sometimes it makes me forget how fics ~can be written. The fic isn't known for innovation or variety. Man I feel so crotchety when I complain about kpop ficdom. Ugh I've never been SO emotionally invested in a fandom like this before. I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE LEGIT IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE FROM MANUFACTURED POP BANDS

LOL omg I haven't finished a new book in like two years. Besides children's books that JJB was also reading. Oh wait that's not true, I read the Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi last spring ahahaha. I'm so uncultured, I can't get into anything anymore. I'm really character-based too. I can't get through anything if I don't give a shit about the people I'm reading and so often books are about boring douchey people doing boring douchey things. It's not even realistic or anything, it's like stylized privileged boring douchiness. Listen I get enough of that in real life, fucking please do something else. This isn't news or anything, but that's why I read fic so much and why ~characterization is the most important to me. The best function of fic for me is that thing that one guy talked about (MY IMPECCABLE MEMORY) about how discussing the media is a way of extending the experience. It's an extension of my love for the people/media product itself. Oh god what the hell is this paragraph about. Fic is really valuable and interesting for a lot of reasons but personally it works for me because I'm already invested and I don't have to work to care. LOL EMOTIONAL LAZINESS

LOL just sitting here saving pictures from tumblr and listening to the Sound of Music soundtrack. Anything to avoid work.
kerpingtack: alec baldwin in beetlejuice (CHEKRD SHRT + GLASSES = YES YES YES!!)
I had two two-hour long midterms back to back yesterday. Fucking WHY. My mom and brother came down this weekend too so I didn't have much time to study. Well realistically speaking I wouldn't have studied much anyway. Ahh it was so nice to see them. I always miss them as soon as they leave.

One of the members from that new girl group A Pink has the same name as our cat. This amuses me more than it should. Also too amusing to me: putting people's names into songs. I sing T-ara's Like the First Time waaay too much because I like replacing "churum" ("like the") with "Chorong" (our cat's name). Ch-ch-ch-chorong, chorong, chorong~ ch-ch-ch-chorong, chorong, chorong, choro~~~~ng~~~~

There's some people that you just want to spoil and I want to spoil Chorong ROTTEN. He's so soft and cute and kinda dumb and nice. He's getting really big and heavy too. AHHHHHHH so cute, I want to spoil him so badly.

Goal: comment on a fic this week. omg why am I so bad at everything, can't even leave a useless comment on the fucking internet graarrrrr crycat

Must clean up my catacomb of picture folders. Certain folders are fucking ridiculous.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (call it freedom in an old age)
Forever self-obsessed: I was rereading my old lj entries. LOL omg I forgot just HOW MUCH I used to post. This is seriously nothing to how I used to be.

Things I Should Have Been Thinking About
"It's already fourth week, I really need to get my shit together."
"Which graduation ceremony should I attend?"
"Maybe I should learn how to cook."

Things I Actually Thought
"I can probably get away with skipping at least three more classes."
"This is the first time I've ever used this stall in this bathroom!"
"Jonghyun would look awful with long hair. Or..... would he.......................?!????"

omg I forgot how much I love the McCartneys. I love them. Such a gorgeous family.

I have so many half-finished lj entries on private lock right now. It's annoying. I AM ANNOYING.

Why did I lol when I was reading my own post about the third Harry Potter movie? I barely even remember watching it. It's here.

ANOTHER HOUR SUCCESSFULLY WASTED

mhm

Feb. 21st, 2011 07:01 pm
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
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------------゙(゚、 。 7 -------------
--------------l、゙ ~ヽ --ღ-------
--------------じしf_, )ノ ----------.

hongur

Feb. 17th, 2011 05:43 pm
kerpingtack: badly cropped deers drawn by a korean artist (nearly spring)
I end my at 5 or 6 everyday but lately I've been staying on campus until ~8 to avoid the traffic. The bus ride back on Monday night was legit hell. It usually takes 20 minutes without traffic, 40-50 minutes with. On Monday it took a FUCKING HOUR to get, like, ONE-THIRD of the way. It was hell. I just got off at the Wilshire stop and walked back. It took like half an hour which was, guaranteed, at least an hour sooner than the bus. Good god.

I went to the art party thing which was a mistake. It was all hipstered out with music playing and shit and an art exhibit that was basically someone's tumblr collages. Seriously, it was collages with magazine cutouts pasted on notebook paper. wtf. I'm not saying that's not artistic or creative, but what is the criteria for getting that in an exhibit? There was no free food but I did get a free soda out of it. LOL I was meant to be mingling with my hip social peers and the only social interaction I had was with the middle-aged security guard who told me she liked my shoes and we talked about Payless for like a minute. Whatever, she was nice. Also there was a Subway nearby so after fifteen minutes I said fuck it and went there and bought a foot-long BLT and ate it while waiting for the bus. omnomnom

ALSO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL I got like the maximum grade under my incompetent Scottish TA's curve for my soash of crime midterm. The one for which I did like 10% of the reading and stayed up all night via energy drink and went in SO fucking half-assed. LOL JESUS CHRIST. This is why I cannot take school seriously. I fucking KNOW that I knew nothing, and continue to know nothing. BUT I GOT THE HIGHEST GRADE POSSIBLE. WTF WHY CAN THIS EDUCATION SYSTEM NOT DETECT INCOMPETENCY?

JJB has a youtube account (yeah, I know) and he uploads videos of his Beyblades fighting. (Beyblades are like metal...ish spinning tops. You spin them against each other in a plastic bowl ~stadium~ and try to knock the other out. It's very intuitively enjoyable, just fun to watch.) It's so adorable. "A battle between Hasbro's Legend Beyblades. I'm going to start using Windows Movie Maker soon!" AWW. omg I can't believe he's already 10 years old. And this generation is so knowledgeable about the internet. It's strange.

ARGH I'M SO FUCKING HUNGRY.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
EHEHEHE okay I drank half a can of an energy drink for the first time in my life~ and I am ehehehehehehe omg twitching. TWITCHING. FUCK OKAY LET ME TELL YOU MY DAYS, ALL MY DAYS

WEDNESDAY: SOASH OF EDUCATION PAPER DUE, DESTROYED FOR ENTIRE WEEK IN COMBO PROCRASTINATION-NO SLEEP-FUCKED UP WORK SCHEDULE-DOPROSSION
THURSDAY: SOASH OF CONVO STRUCTURES EXERCISE 2 DUE
FRIDAY: 5 HRS OF WORK, DRIVE 5 HRS HOME FOR...
SATURDAY: JJB'S 10TH BIRTHDAY!!! AHHHH AWESOME
SUNDAY: CHURCH, TJMAXX & ROSS WITH SOME A-HOLE, DRIVE 5 HRS THROUGH THE NIGHT BACK HERE
MONDAY: SOASH OF EDUCATION READING SUMMARY DUE
TUESDAY: SOASH OF CRIME MIDTERM LOLOOLOLOL B- AT BEST
WEDNESDAY: SOASH THEORY MIDTERM LOLOLOLOL D: WHY
THURSDAY: SOASH OF CONVO STRUCTURES EXERCISE 3 DUE

THIS WAS ALL IN CAPSLOCK BECAUSE I THOUGHT I HIT THE KEY WITH MY PINKY HARD ENOUGH BUT I DIDN'T AND EHEHEHEEHHEH FUCKING TWITCH TWITCH

okay. omg my chest is all hollow and shaky and overwhelmed. And I just listened to Lucifer backwards because my iPod is a testament to my obsession and I have shit like Lucifer backwards on it. IF ONLY I HAD A FIVE MINUTE RECORDING OF KPOP PEOPLE JUST BREATHING TOO, I WOULD PUT IT ON MY IPOD AND FIVE DIFFERENT PLAYLISTS TOO!!!111

I forgot to write down my new years resolutions (or make them) but I'm saying them now.
1. GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
2. comment more on lj
That;s it. I have no other goals I think I could reach, ahahaaa. I;'m not even boterhing to be like "loooool lose weight loooooooool" or "make fronds." how the fuck would either of those things happen. I will be friendless and dumpy for the rest of my life.

also I am sort of achieving toward 2!!1 I ahve commented like 5 different times on the bitchy kpop anon meme, which was terrifying and made me feel accomplished. LOL the first time I commented someone page-breaked (that's when someone fucks up the html for the entire page of comments or whatever, idk anything about anything) and it scared the shit out of me. I thought I did it accidentally or something. I love the anon meme. Tehre's a fight club kind of code around it but no one reads this and also I drank half a can of an energy drink and I get fucking wired from soda, my system is not prepared for this. It is so soashilogically interesting and I'm dumb, I think all the memes and nicknames and exclusive in-joke language are really really funny.

microsoash is so dumb and pointless to the history of humanity and the universe. It's like other people's dreams; that shit is only itneresting to the person talking about it. That is my way of saying that later I am going to write giant dumb paragraphs about kpopsecretmeme2 and how much I love it soashilogically.

There's something fascinating about negative opinions. No follow-up, just saying. I love the "there's something [adj] about [noun]" sentence structure. It evokes the vague emotion I have toward the noun without actually saying anything, eheheheheheh.

I will comment on a bunch of kpop fics too. I am going to put myself out there and hope no one will ever click back to my journal and see all this bullshit.

The only thing the people I love fannishly have in common is that I love them. <3__<3

all my percolated SHINee-related thoughts
- lol their Seoul Music Awards acceptance speeches. those bitches weren't even thinking about mentioning Jonghyun. ilu Minho, thank god you're there to be lovely and considerate~ In general, I think Minho and Jonghyun are the most openly affectionate/frondly members of the group and they do the shout-outs. like Jonghyun mentioning Minho's birfday during the GDA speech and the "Onew-hyung are you watching~"
- tbh I also think they're the two who like SHINee the most even though Minho isn't that musically relevant to the group and though Jonghyun is a moody lazy shit sometimes about it. they're the two who really love everyone in SHINee I think. Onew, Taemin, and Key are clearly SO much closer to people outside of SHINee that it's kinda depressing but there's not that much of a clear marked distance for Jonghyun and Minho and the group. at least to me. okay I think too much about this.
- I seriously love Jonghyun so much. G20's Let's Go came up on shuffle and his part came up and it was just so pleasing and I felt smiley and I love him.
- I think Onew has a better natural voice (his tone/texture), but Jonghyun is the better singer. Not just in technique and control and range, but in understanding/interpreting the song and emoting and being versatile. They are both rly talented though.
- All I really want to do is post kpop youtube videos and talk about them, post kpop songs and talk about them, and post kpop pics and talk about them. I have so many feelings. 

JJB IS 10 YEARS OLD NOW!! AAHHHH <3
kerpingtack: police frog doodle (copper)
One day I'll look back at my lj and marvel at how relentlessly I enshrined my kpop obsession. And then I will go back to organizing my Jonghyun pictures.

Seriously though, SNSD and Jonghyun will be loves for the rest of my life. Listen. I am so out of control. I put the sticky note widget on my phone and I wrote "jonghyun!" on it when I was bored and I seriously get excited when I see it. JUST FROM SEEING HIS NAME. O M G. Even when I grow out of legit being in love with Jonghyun I will still always love him, I don't even care. And I will be an SNSD fan until the day I die. LOL there's an official fanmeet with free merchandise (and possibly SNSD in person?!) in LA on Saturday. I'm seriously thinking about going. This is big for me; I will do anything to avoid going outside when I don't have to and to avoid people in general and this sounds like it could be ridiculously awkward. BUT I REALLY LOVE THEM.

life without shame looks like this )
kerpingtack: green glass window installations (treatment)
UGH LIFE IS SO STUPID RIGHT NOW

IT STARTED TO RAIN HARD AS FUCK WHEN I WAS WALKING FROM THE LIBRARY TO THE BUS STOP AND STOPPED AS SOON AS I GAVE UP AND WENT INSIDE A BUILDING AND THEN STARTED AGAIN AS SOON AS I WALKED BACK OUTSIDE

WHAT THE FUCK IS AN F DISTRIBUTION

I KNOW YOU TEST THE R^2 NULL HYPOTHESIS WITH IT BUT WHAT. IS. IT.

GAHHHHRRR WHY IS EVERYONE SO EAGER TO HATE ON JONGHYUN I'M NOT IMMUNE TO IT YET, IT'S TIRING TO HAVE TO IGNORE IT AGHHHH

AND WAT'S WRONG WITH TUMBLR

okay, done.

blue moon )
kerpingtack: google image of stained glass (candy floss)
C:\Documents and Settings\My Documents\My Pictures\SHINee
1,119 files

a sample of filenames )

this entry is subtitled, I DON'T WANT TO DO MY STATISTICS HOMEWORK
kerpingtack: police frog doodle (copper)
SO this past two days INSTEAD OF:
reading
trying to understand statistical regression
doing any of my statistics work
catching up on my sociology of mass media notes

I:
thought about the Beatles
saved another 200 pictures of Jonghyun being UNBEARABLY BEAUTIFUL
watched the Gee dance video another three times
thought about dumb improbable covers I would love to hear
- still would die if disco/bden covered Ben Folds Five's Philosophy
- Jonghyun should cover Liz Phair's Stratford-on-Guy translated into Korean. this is VERY IMPORTANT to me; Korea's never-ending hard on for English is despairful. uhhh I have no rationale for why Jonghyun should sing a Liz Phair song besides the fact that it came up on shuffle and I have lost my mind
- any lady with a strong voice covering any Guided By Voices song. all the GBV covers on youtube are by white dudes. omg Pollard is already a white dude, I want some girl to belt that shit.

kpop is a black hole. It's because there's so many bands now and so many people and they're all SO busy doing something everyday. If they have really dedicated fanclubs (like SHINee/Jonghyun does) then you just kind of have a constant stream of pure (beautiful ;__;) media. Plus pretty much if you open your heart to one ridiculous person you end up liking fucking everyone. This is why I have come to love all of SHINee even though Key was a fucking dicksmack to Nicole about her weight and Minho looks hapless as fuck at times (LOL I LOVE HIM) and some Onew fans irritate the hell out of me and Taemin is a lulzy brat. And why I ended up going on a mini-youtube spiral of 2PM and f(x) clips.

I listened to Revolver and a bunch of old press conference clips and ughhh I love them. kpop is a fucking virus though, while I listening I was like PAUL-OPPA~ (-oppa is an affectionate/familial term for a guy who's older than you (but isn't an adult). the only people I call -oppa in real life are my older cousins but the international fandom has picked up on it and uses it for their ~favorites and it's infiltrated my brain too. it is cute but kind of disgusting. PAUL-OPPA~~). Can you imagine if they were around today? There would be never-ending wank between John fans and Paul fans alone, never mind the hipster coalition that is guaranteed to form around George. Ringo would be fine, the way Ringo's always fine. Completely pointless speculation, obviously; there will never be anything like the Beatles again, even disregarding the talent aspect of it. It's impossible just culturally/structurally.

btw I'm still D: over the hate Paul gets. I'm always defensive about my favorites (Jonghyunnnnn ;___;) but seriously. Seriously.

I always wish there was more attention on the females in any given fandom but I feel hypocritical at the moment because I spend like 90% of my current life on SHINee even though I also love SNSD, and I like KARA, Wonder Girls (well, sort of), and miss A. Is it that I'll only pay hardcore attention to the girls if there isn't a better male alternative? Ugh. Thinking this through: I know that my level of obsession is not something to strive for, even if I'm mentally stalking them for gender equality. And there's never as developed a fandom for females than there is for males, at least, not that I can find (I hella combed the internet for soshi fic before ;__;), so that influences the time I spend in it. (And I'm not a fandom producer, I'm a lurker~.) And, to be fair, I am literally in love with Jonghyun and I am only platonically in love with Sunny. 

Perennial complaints:
WHY MUST PEOPLE TALK ALL THE TIME. WHY CAN WE ALL NOT JUST SIT QUIETLY IN PUBLIC, SAYING NOTHING, PRESERVING THE ILLUSION THAT THE WORLD DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE FIRE-BOMBED. STFU STFU STFU

I realized that what I really want, and what I've really wanted ever since I was in like fucking middle school, was for meta to be written about me. I am so self-obsessed it is ridiculous. Even though I don't like myself, I really like thinking about myself. Why.

Also I like my wrists and my waist because they're pretty small, but they're so out of proportion that they don't actually look good. My arms are cylinders and my hip... area is so low. I'm so lumpy. Also also what am I going to do about my hair. I'm growing it out but it looks terrible. LIFE IS TERRIBLE.

I would straight up marry my mass media soash professor.

FUCK I HATE REGRESSION. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SSE AND SSR, I ALWAYS FORGET AND MY FINAL IS IN LESS THAN A WEEK AGHHHHH 
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
 i'm at an optional ~statistix mini-course~ in stats computer lab. was bad idea, is advanced beyond my class and i already did not wtf is going on w/ regression

there's a guy from my class here too. i wonder if he is also thinking this was a bad idea. wtf why did prof recommend this ~mini-course~ it is not a good review for the class at all, it is for like stats majors or people doing research

girl kitty-corner from me is looking up the beatles on itunes

i am enjoying looking at/listening to lecturer. he is ph.d stats student. tall slim sarcastique japanese guy. his face makes you want to keep looking at it. he's kind of beautiful. his outfit ever-so-slightly does not match. he's wearing like these brown leather loafer slippers with a buckle. omg i love buckles. his voice is very dry and he has a very slight accent. mostly in the way he drops the articles or plurals/verb tense endings in his sentences.

i am pretending that i'm typing notes by looking up every so often and staring intently at the power point. 

bad thing about being into kpop is that there is no way to look up anything in front of other people. so embarrassing. just want to stare at jonghyun's face in another batch of five hundred pics/gifs/vids

if kpop had anywhere near the ~quality of fic that bandom or popslash got i would die a million happy deaths. i guess this is the trade-off for the number of girls and attractive people. i still don't get how popslash ever got a following, basic white boys everywhere. it is worse x1000 for the jonas brothers. 

bifor i got into kpop i thought the fandom was huge. it is but it's obvs internatl and the kfans keep their shit locked down and there are things in diff languages etc. even in the english-speaking fandom there's not a lot of fandom content. besides wank. the avg age strikes me as verrrrry young. like there are a lot of tumblrs.  the fic reflects this

on the other hand, the media content is gorgeous. shinee fans are especially amazing. the fan photos are seriously professional quality. the cameras are good but the fans are really skilled/talented. there are like multiangled fan cams, it's like a dvd for real. onnn the other other hand, ugh it's hard to find well-subbed videos plus the korean broadcasting companies are stingy cockblocks and keepp removing shit from youtube. this REALLY makes no sense, the subs are literally free promotion. if you're watching subs on youtube you obvs are not and cannot be pt of the normal consuming audience. the youtube clips can only get them more money.   

my bod is so misshapen and embarrassing. and i need new shoes.

stats people are so inherently nerdy. they just like data. i am jealous, i wish i just liked information for its own sake. i srsly do not enjoy learning. am lazy as fuck

the borders on route to school is closing down and they're having a close-out sale. gotta get on that

soc 1 class continues to be excruciating. the prof is a pathetic drama queen. lol i really hate him! nothing he says has a point. i'm worried about the final b/c i do not understand what the fuck we are supposed to be doing. i don't feel like i've learned anything and i don't even feel like it's my fault! 

i legit have a crush on jonghyun. i swear i have NEVER had such a physical reaction to my other media obsessions. that peace sign in hello!!!!! i srsly start giggling unctrllably. my sister thinks i'm crazy. i think he is the first asian guy (lol or non-white in general) that i've reaaaally loved. i'm rly starting to see the similarities in the people i'm ~drawn to: big eyes, nice cheekbones/jawline, embarrassing and/or dorky in some way, good voice. and once i'm drawn, it's fucking game over, i'm in for life. JONGHYUN

oh the lecture is wrapping up

bye lecturer, i like your face + shirt. srry i don't understand anything you're talking about D:

drains

Nov. 15th, 2010 11:18 am
kerpingtack: badly cropped deers drawn by a korean artist (nearly spring)
LOL OKAY I'M FINISHING THIS

MY SPIRITUAL PROBLEM WITH KPOP WOULD BE THE SAME PROBLEM I WOULD HAVE WITH ANY KIND OF SUPER-MAINSTREAM MEDIA AND THE KIND OF MENTALITY THAT ATTRACTS IN THE FANDOM

THUS: FUCK YOU CAPITALISM AND FUCK YOU CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Now there will be nothing but shallow capslock fangirling.

- I fucking hate regression.
- LOOL idk what's going on, but I hope that tumblr's day of reckoning has come even though the fuckyeah fan tumblrs are useful as hell. No one credits anything over there. Go balls out, 4chan.
- I've been listening to a lot of Kelly Clarkson lately and christ, the warmth and personality in her voice is seriously amazing. I really love her. Pop music at its best.
- On the other hand, good god, Jonghyun, why are you listening to Justin Beiber???
- AND DON'T BE A HIPSTER
- AND KEEP LOOKING LIKE THIS *_______________*

lol even with this relentless kpop spam, I really have been holding myself back. This shit would look like a fucking twitter if I posted everything I wanted. Anyway, brb cobbling together another huge megapost about why I am in love with Jonghyun.

- omg "kpop talented." This phrase is so unfortunately useful.
- GOD I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. *downloads Super Junior song* Well, it was already over once I heard Rokkugo.
- I really love Hoot. SNSD seem to like this concept too. It's so fun and playful and sly! Too bad about Tiffany and Sunny's hair though, and Taeyeon's wig. WHO THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. Man I cannot get over how fucking gorgeous Sooyoung looks right now. Her hair is so pretty and she looks a mile long during the performances omg. I hope they promote her hardcore now. I mean, she's consistently at the bottom of the SNSD popularity rankings, which blows my mind. Have they never seen her on variety shows or heard her on the radio?? SHE IS THE BEST.

oh jesus, SM's put an official hold on Jonghyun. I don't bleev the conspiracy theories, though I do get myself all worked up over them just for recreation I guess, but I do think there's something weird going on. SM likes to do this thing where they let someone take a break because of an "injury" and then phase them out of existence. You for real never hear about that person again. ("Injury" is in quotation marks not because they're not actually injured, because they are, but because usually they'd still be back to work unhealthily quickly. Minho tore ligaments in his knee earlier this year and he was dancing within like a month and he didn't get to sit out all of the Lucifer promotions. wtf is SM doing.) DO NOT BE THE NEXT AMBER, JONGHYUN, STAY IN KOREA AND COME BACK TO SHINEE SOON. ;______;

- I have work in stacks today. Christ on earth. Is it logically possible for someone with that blonde/black skunk hair to not be completely disgusting? There's this skinny white hipster with that hair on my shift and she is such a fucking moron. She and this other terrible douchebag were fucking around with the books we were intershelving and the douchebag was "reading" a Vietnamese book and she was like, "LOLOL VIETNAMESE IS UGLY." BITCH, YOU'RE UGLY, SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND KEEP YOUR PRIVILEGED HONKY THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. 
- ... uhh I'm working on cutting down on the gendered insults. And calling people honky.
- Soda has such a strong effect on me. I had a glass of Coke yesterday and my heart felt like it was trying to crawl into my hands. idk if it's the sugar or the caffeine.
- Pet peeve: half-assed passive-aggressiveness on the internet. Somehow it's 1000000000x more viscerally annoying to me than in real life. I didn't care about your comment until you added your stupid *shrug* or "I'm sorry, but..." or whatever, but now I want to punch you in the throat. Goddddd I hate it when people use *shrug*. Number one irrational hate boner.
- As the day got colder yesterday I just put on more and more clothes until I looked like I was ready to hipster jazzercise. Hipstercise? I had shorts over leggings over socks and a cardigan. CARDIGAN. 

arachnoid

Nov. 5th, 2010 04:35 am
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I am some kind of poster child for POOR TIME MANAGEMENT and LOW IMPULSE CONTROL. Watching so many SHINee videos on youtube, just so many. ;________; I LOVE JONGHYUN SO FUCKING MUCH. I smile at everything he does even the awkward embarrassing shit. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. Embarrassing stuff usually just makes me embarrassed. LIKE THAT VIDEO OF HIM BAWLING. I usually cringe so badly at stuff like that. But I've rewatched that video like twelve times. Because. He is the most precious thing. And I love him. ;______;

I'm going to be 22 soon and I have no idea how to react to it! 22 is a nothing age. It means that I'm going to be a twentysomething and that's about it. No more cultural cues for what I'm supposed to be doing!

Something was tickling the side of my face while I walking to the library this morning and I was like "goddamn I need a haircut" and brushed it out of my way. BUT IT WAS A SPIDER. WTF. WHY. I am now paranoid that every sensation is another spider. (Heey "Every Sensation is Another Spider" could be a great indie douchebag band song title.) How did it get on my face?! 

UGH and another albino cricket thing showed in our room. Where the fuck are these bugs coming from. It scared the hell out of me because somebody put baby in a corner I sit really close against the wall and the cricket was crawling up it right next to me. I had to ask my cousin to deal with it. If it was on the ground I would've anvil-dropped my sister's biology textbook on it like I did with Albino Cricket Thing the First but it was on the wall and ughhh IT JUMPS noooooooo.

I finally finished this dumb playlist for myself. I started it TWO YEARS ago, no joke. It's not even some huge epic playlist, it's only twenty songs and the order is all fucked up because I have no sense of flow. Why am I so bad at these things?? How do I manage to procrastinate on shit I don't even need to do? I will share with Theoretical Internet Audience anyway.

I can't tell if I'm improving or whatever. I don't want to run myself over with a truck which is a good sign. I wish I could stop obsessing about my appearance. I know I'm fine, I am perfectly okay.

Relatedly, I was rereading old entries. Wowwwww I sound really really dumb in some of them. For the future!me who is self-obsessively rereading this: I know I sound really really dumb in this entry too.

It is annoying when someone hits you in the head with their backpack. It is also annoying when the people on either side of you talk to each other over you during a lecture. What is wrong with people, do they actually need to be told NOT to do that? It is also annoying when people walk slowly and make it impossible to pass them. I have wished so many times that I could just put my foot on their back and push. Especially on the stairs.

I love Romeo+Juliette. I can't even see how I can not like it. I AM COMPLETELY OFF THE DEEP END NOW. Jonghyun sounds so fucking good in it. Instant spiritual boner. (omg he's younger than me. Emotionally I feel like 16 years old, tops, so I don't feel that ~wrong~ about watching gifs 100x more than necessary, but it is WEIRD. He was born in 1990!! WHAT IS THAT ABOUT. Also my intro soash discussion is full of first years and we were discussing a reading on the OJ Simpson case and they were all like, "I was only four when that trial happened!" and ugh why are people so young?? Seriously, how can something born in the 1990s be a fully-grown person??) God his voice is so good. 

Pointless comparison that is only relevant to me: SHINee AND DISCO. Jonghyun and bden. Umm I don't have anything to say about this. My SHINee thing just reminds me of my disco thing and I relistened to pretty much all the disco on my iPod. kpop just works so fucking differently from anything in the US music industry.

LOL HE'S SO LOUD AND DUMB AND AMUSING IN HELLO BABY. EVERYTHING'S SO EMBARRASSING ON THIS SHOW. I LOVE HIM.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
My intro soash professor continues to be terrible. I am crafting my response on the professor evaluations they give out near the end of the quarter. You know those people who use up the entire ten minutes+ to do the evaluations and you think "wtf are you writing?!" I WILL BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. So far my thesis is, "The unbearability of being in his class has less to do with his failings as a teacher than his failings as a human being."

Work complaint: I am annoyed with people who don't print out all the received lists, or people who do but don't put them in the tray. I don't know if I should reprint them or if someone is just being a withholdding whore. Just do what the good lord meant for you to do.

I want to do some kind of nation-wide survey on why people tell other people their backpack is open. I don't care if my backpack is open but I care that other people always have to tell me. They startle me!! Anyway most of the time it's not like my backpack hanging open and babies are falling out, it's usually just kinda flapping about. It's structurally secure you guys, don't worry.

I find it REALLY AMAZING that I can remember exactly where almost all of my songs came from. I mean, I think most people can, but for me specifically, I just can't believe my brain has that capacity. It can't hold what the fuck variance means after like six different statistics classes, but goddamn if it doesn't remember that I downloaded Save Ferris's cover of Come On Eileen in December 2008 from covers' week at audiography.

doot doot doot
kerpingtack: dolphin cow jumping out of the water together as you do (omg.)
I know. I KNOW. Why am I updating so much? To whom do I speak? Where does the ocean go? skitter skatter skoot ------

It must be some sort of latent memory resurgence... holding pattern... behavior. Like, I am gathering up armfuls of Leo Di'o pictures, which is basically what I did for an intense month during my first year. I really cannot tell how well I'm doing. I don't want to headbutt an oncoming train, but I don't start feeling terrible until at least halfway through the quarter.

I realized that basically what I want out of life is for people to write meta about me. I am fucking murderously self-involved.

There is this one spot on my left arm that always grows white hairs. I keep pulling them out, and more white hairs! That same spot, every single time! Now you know.

Probably the thing that exacerbates my natural tendencies toward needless depression and bullshit the most is the fact that I'm alone a lot of the time. I have been self-obsessing hardcore about my body lately. It's so stupid.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I AM GOING BONKERS OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME

IF I CANNOT FINISH THIS PAPER TODAY

I WILL

LITERALLY

DIE

WHY IS THIS SO HARD, I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS CONTINUOUSLY LIKE NIGHT AND DAY FOR TWO WEEKS AND IT IS STILL NOT FINISHED AND IT IS ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE 6 - 10 PAGES DOUBLE-SPACED WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

AND NOW MY EARS ARE RINGING!!! GREAT I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE A STROKE OR SOMETHING THAT IS GREAT

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE 5 HOURS OF SLEEP I'VE BEEN AVERAGING FOR THE PAST WEEK OR THE CAN OF CHERRY COKE I JUST DRANK

CAPS CAPS CAPS

I AM SO SAD IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! THIS PAPER IS NEVER GOING TO BE FINISHED 

LOOK AT ALL MY TAGS, I HOPE THEY ARE AS LONG AS THE ACTUAL ENTRY

WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY AND WHY ARE THEY ALL SO RELEVANT

HOBO CORN

OBAMA'S ICY GLAMOUR

BILLY IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
kerpingtack: alec baldwin in beetlejuice (CHEKRD SHRT + GLASSES = YES YES YES!!)

McCartney II = RIDICULOUSLY awesome, except for the song called "Frozen Jap," which I have renamed "Frozen RACIAL SLUR" in my iTunes.  I found ONE interview (here) where someone asks him about it and his explanation is not too bad. Basically, "Frozen Jap," "jap" being an abbreviation of "Japan... Japanese winter... Mt. Fuji... ~Orientalness~," was a working title that stuck. In Europe (at the time? I'm not sure how it is now) the word wasn't too terrible, so he only heard protests after the album came out. He changed the title for the Japanese edition to "Frozen Japanese." I can believe this. It's definitely damage control, but I buy it. I did some (shallow) research and there are indeed regional differences in how offensive the word is. Like in most of Asia, today at least, "Jap" is an acceptable abbreviation for "Japan/Japanese" so... yeah. It's enough to make me feel better. It's good that I found this interview and someone fucking asked about it; I was going crazy for a while. "He wouldn't have called it that if he knew how it's a RACIAL SLUR in some parts of the world... but how could he not know?!? OMMMGGGGG WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?!?" Racial insensitivity is a pretty big fucking dealbreaker for me. Paul doesn't have a history of it, more the opposite actually, but yeah, fuck, Paul McCartney, why couldn't you have saved me the heartache and called it "Frozen Polar Bear" or SOME fucking thing?? Or I wish he would've changed the song title completely, not just for the Japanese version. Well, seeing how I only found ONE interview where someone addressed it, I guess it was not a big enough deal to merit the change. Urgh argh oorgh.

I have a midterm due tomorrow and it's pretty bullshit. Like "write an essay that addresses all parts of a really broad topic in one-page-double-spaced" bullshit. That's not an essay, that's a fucking short answer. The readings are boring and dry and full of a lot of nothing, much like my boring, dry, full of a lot of nothing professor. This MacKinnon person is fucking tiresome. There are like 10 pages of her explaining why all previous work on the subject has been WRONG WRONG WRONG. Jesus, just fucking explain why you're RIGHT or just fucking say what exactly you're adding to the fucking discussion. People are, like, always on the defensive in academia. At least in the social sciences. ~MYYYY perspective is necessary because everyone else thus far has neglected the most IMPORTANT PART EVER!!~ But whereas some writers limit this to the first page or so, MacKinnon just goes onnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnn. And she's uses words like "concomitant" (adj.; existing or occuring with something else; concurrent) and "detumescence" (n.; reduction or subsidence of swelling) and "sui generis" (adj.; of his, her, its, or their own kind; unique) when she could've just said "I am ostentatious as fuck" and "I have poor sentence construction and leave pronouns hanging around willy-nilly without any referrents" and "SORRY YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP BECAUSE OF MY WRETCHED ESSAY." Yeah, me too.

Some guy in my co-op is into 10 year olds who wear corrective boots, I guess, because he hit on me while I walking out of my aparment. At first I was really confused, all OMG DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? Because he just came out of nowhere and was like "do you live there?" I was all "omg I'm sorry I put the regular trash in one of the recycling bins that one time, I couldn't find the bin for the regular trash!!" but then he just uh started hitting on me? He asked if he could ~knock on my door~ sometime and I just said uhhhh okay because I was flustered as hell. WTF I look like a middle schooler. And I'm wearing a boot! Guys, I don't know if I'm okay with pedo boot-fetishists. (The exchange wasn't as creepy as I made it sound btw, I am just scared of people. And LIFE!)

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