kerpingtack: cute drawing of japanese candy: pink blue white (bauble crie)
Where's that tumblr text post that's like, "me: starts a post about my mental health / me: never mind. let's internalize this one, buddy." That's what the past like three years have been like. I don't know how to deal with things. My mind vice just keeps gnashing away at these thoughts until I "forget" them, which is a forgetting of the event, not of the content - like, I just forget that I had certain thoughts or feelings in a certain wording, but the thoughts/feelings still live on in an amorphous poison cloud in my bodily tissues and such. Is this a gross visual? Whatever. I tromp forward with vigor!!

The guessing game for the 21st century: Did I just think it or did I tweet it? Like traveling through a murky, boring mirror funhouse.

Here are some things that made me feel some feelings:

"It's been so hard, not knowing what it's about" (paraphrased from this fic): This is a really difficult part of life, to me. The incomprehensibility of it. Not active confusion, really, just the sense that I don't know what's going on or why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I want what I want, what's expected of me and what I feel about it.

I started watching Crazy Ex Girfriend a few weeks ago and I really love and feel for Rebecca. I cried during that episode where they go to the beach, just the scenes where she's in the bus, so lonely and lost. Trying really hard to keep up and figure it out.

idk, I'll just totally surrender the fight of trying to phrase things in, like... a readable way, lol. To me, the things Rebecca does are because she doesn't know what else to do. And she doesn't know why she does them, either. When you don't know what you want, or why you want it, or how to get what you want - there's no way to organize anything in your head or heart. You can't put things into context. It's a jumble and you're left with just trying to deal with things as they come, a one-on-one basis, but life is so fucking confusing that doing things that way results in fucking nonsense and chaos. Because without any sense of a stable bigger picture, you're left with reacting based on your emotions at the time. But your emotions are already a mess, just an ocean that's always moving, waves and waves and currents and rocks and spray, too many components and forms it can take, too vast to get a hold of. It's hard. Not knowing what it's about.

"Let it be willing": Sort of a more graceful way of being like, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"? Except not really. (SEE ABOVE: GIVING UP ON TRYING TO READABLE). I've been ~mulling this over because of Gansey wrt the Raven King (this) and Bucky wrt Civil War (this). And in some sense, existential therapy (in the Frankl school), which says there is so much you can't control. Accept that, and find the bounds of what you can control, and make meaning out of it. The choice you make matters to you, even if it doesn't or can't reach anyone else. This is hard for me, and also why "seeing" it is very moving and affecting to me? Because it's like, even if you can't believe in yourself, you can believe in the value of your choice. I find it very beautiful. The way you can transform the nature of an action. You can think: In the end, it doesn't matter, because the result is the same. A death is a death, suffering is suffering. But no, not all the time. It does make a difference. Here we are, in a world of chaos and meaning. Walk into it, unburden yourself however you can. That Bucky fic makes me want to cry every time. "'Do what you think is best,' he says. 'I have.'" Something about grace. Something about acting in ways that you can be proud of, in retrospect and remembrance. Something about how love really is powerful - the only way out of the flat, terrible circle of violence - and sometimes intention does matter. 'The heart goes on and on and does not stop.' Something something something.


I made a 7+ minute long ~vlog~ while driving home yesterday where I mostly repeated, "Why does life feel like this?" over and over. Not even "why do I feel like this?" or "why is life like this?" Why does it FEEL? LIKE? THIS? When will it stop? Or more practically, when am I going to accept it? I have to heave my sadsack body through space and time, PUSHING IT AGAINST THE GROUND AND THROUGH THE AIR, insisting upon my own existence even though I don't even fucking want to exist. Isn't that just a hell of thing? Life goes on until it decides not to, or until you make it stop. I ask you, how is that fair?! It should be a fucking opt in system, not an opt out. Ughhhhhkl;wejrkl;jasdf;klhlkasdf

I would like to conclude this post by saying I wrote this all in a crowded Starbucks, EVEN THOUGH I'm sitting right next to counter and my screen is not facing the wall.
kerpingtack: jonghyun rdd mubank win: nonstop perfect faces (let's feel it a bit)
Sorry, I'm just in a mood!! MY CAT CHORONG IS SUCH A MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. I am not fucking around when I say this; he is sooooo gorgeous and cute and pretty. I stan him with my life. I will spam later because everyone should see. Everyone needs to UNDERSTAND. Many people have commented on how beautiful he is (after they stop talking about his size; he's big not because he's overweight but because he's very tall and long). One time someone who was over at our house for a holiday dinner party said that she didn't even like cats, but he was VERY beautiful; in fact, the most beautiful cat she had ever seen! and she marveled at him all night and showered him with compliments. And this person was a professor so you know all facts are true. And right now Chorong is sleeping belly up on an armchair with his paws curled in.

This has been an essay on how my cat is objectively amazing to the eyeballs.

edit: No wait, I will spam a little now.

this cat is streets ahead )
kerpingtack: police frog doodle (copper)
I'm so tired. I dropped my brother off at his friend's birthday party, about 20-30 minutes away today. My throat still hurts a lot. x__x

unkind thoughts: more and more I think that in kpop ficdom, a lot of people just write original fic and attach kpop names to it to get readership. they are legit just "writing exercises"'; so little thought or insight goes into the story and characterization.

also a dude doesn't have to find women or their bodies REPULSIVE just because he's attracted to another man. so fucking tired of reading about guys being ~disgusted~ when a girl flirts with them or touches them or whatever. It just comes across as internalized misogyny, or some other form of self-hate (going on the fact that most people in fandom are female).

ALSO can hipsters and all the associated insincere, irresponsible, pretentious bullshit leave this planet asap? ("Hipsters, can you kindly please get the fuck out of my house?")

going thru oiam archives and fucking crycat at the very first picture she took of jjong.

stanning jjong and his stans all day, everyday )

edit @ 8:38pm omg fuck you lj! why does it keep scrambling up all the html whenever I try to edit >c
kerpingtack: ms paint crop of a timeline of weekend life (omnomatron)
LOL OKAY SO THIS PICSPAM WAS STARTED IN JUNE OF 2008 AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN BOTHERED THAT I NEVER FINISHED IT. THREE YEARS AFTER I STARTED IT + ALMOST 2 YEARS AFTER THEY SPLIT UP IS THE BEST TIME OF COURSE.

http://oi34.tinypic.com/20h7giq.jpg

I have no idea what my thought processes were when I was putting this spam together. I didn't have any non-disco pixx to share and care, but I spent a long time copy-pasting those fronds.

I don't know how to start this.

this was perhaps not the wisest time of day to do this spam )

I feel really accomplished now! I have finally finished this THREE YEAR old spam. And oh man, making this post brought back so many more memories than I thought it would. I really loved these tragic weird white boys. <3__<3 Thanks for everything, disco. It was fun~
kerpingtack: little nemo in slumberland panel: toy animals escaping ark (iron cage!!)
FUCK YOU PD )

edit @ 10:23 am

“Usually people lower the key when they sing this song but you kept it as it is. You said you’re a member of SHINee, right? You’re good looking and your gestures were beautiful. It’s as if you were a rock band vocalist. Congrats on having all of those qualities. You were really good. It was like a festival where everyone was able to enjoy the stage together. I really liked how you reached out to the audience, trying to include them in your song. I hope you continue to be like this. Congrats again."

oh christ, fucking crying. I'm so glad he got to hear this.
kerpingtack: green glass window installations (treatment)
I can't care about anyone who complains about Jonghyun's voice anymore. In the fullest sense of the words, he is a good singer. Fuck, you know, even though I let myself be swayed by ~technical critics and uh just random people shit-talking on the internet, I really trust myself on what I love musically. He is fucking legit.

kerpingtack: badly cropped deers drawn by a korean artist (nearly spring)
THROWING MY ENTIRE LIFE ACROSS THE ROOM

I
CAN'T
FUCKING
TAKE IT ANYMORE

LK;AJSDFS;LAKSDJF;ALKSDJF
A;SKLFDJ
A;LKSDNFA;K,NN,AD
;AKLSDJF

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY IS MY FACE ALL RED!!!!!! HOW CAN THEY BE SO FUCKING CUTE GODDAMN THEM ALL

DON'T EVEN TRY TO TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW THEORETICAL INTERNET AUDIENCE I AM FUCKING OUT OF ORDER

edit @ 6:58 OKAY NO I CAN'T LEAVE IT AT THAT

I WAS LIKE CLAWING AT MY FACE AND CLUTCHING MY PEARLS WHILE WATCHING IT

OKAY SO IT'S ONE THING TO BE PROUD OF SEEING THEM DANCE AND HOW TOGETHER THEY ARE AND HOW FLUIDLY AND UNFF-ILY THEY HIT THEIR MOVES

BUT IT'S ANOTHER TO FEEL PROUD LOOKING AT THEM JUST SITTING THERE WITH THEIR HAIR???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ;~~~~~~~; JUST LIKE WOW LOOK AT YOU, YOUR HEADS ARE ALL DIFFERENT COLORS I'M SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS!!!!!! MY LIFE IS SLIPPING THROUGH MY FINGERS

JONGHYUN AND TAEMIN SWITCHED PLACED IN THE NON-LINEAR INTERVIEW FORMATION SO NOW JONGHO ARE SITTING DOWN NEXT TO EACH OTHER. (!!!!!!!)

MINHO'S JACKET LOOKS LIKE A HOT WHEELS CAR FROM THE 90s

KEY IS SMUG AT BEING THE BEST AT JAPANESE

ONEW APOLOGIZES FOR MAKING A PUN ABOUT FROGS GOING HOME

TAEMIN HAS A COSPLAYER

JONGHYUN .....................................................................................................................................................
OH GOD I WAS SPACING OUT WATCHING ALL THOSE PERIODS MARCH ACROSS THE SCREEN
JONGHYUN ..............................................................................................................................................................................
;~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;
JONGHYUN ...........................................................................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES OKAY THAT'S IT EXACTLY
kerpingtack: illustration for aladdin 1928 "Aladdin Saluted Her with Joy" (salut her with joy)
Man I really didn't realize just how popular SNSD was. I mean, I knew they were popular and beloved, but I thought it was like a generalized girl group popularity, even if they're at the top of that particular heap, and I was worried that they'd drop out of public favor and disband and be forgotten. OMG that's not going to happen anytime soon, AT ALL. They're the first girl group to ever win the Album Daesang award (which is like The Big Award I guess?? the Korean music industry is kind of shambling, they have like twelve different charts and different companies boycott different awards shows, etc. but I know this is a big deal!!) and the first artist ever to win both the Album Daesang and the Digital Music Daesang. They are so loved. Look at this fancam, they were so not expecting it. Everyone looks genuinely shocked. Taeyeon crying, she doesn't usually cry. The way they pull each other in for a hug at the end. ;____;

;____; i say ;____; )

Oh man, when they first debuted they had a lot of stupid little controversies that were just people giving them shit for no reason. In 2008 a bunch of fan clubs for other bands got together and decided to "boycott" them during the Dream Concert, so when SNSD went on stage like the whole stadium turned off their glowsticks and stayed silent the entire performance. Shit like that. But now they're really number one in the whole country, not just among girl groups or idols, and they're so down-to-earth and funny and kind and they really love one another. Oh man. I'm so soft inside right now. SOSHI FOREVER YOU GUYS

http://oi38.tinypic.com/xqcljo.jpg
kerpingtack: badly cropped deers drawn by a korean artist (nearly spring)
My five days of torture turned out to be unnecessarily grim, as everyone had guessed, because I passed! the! class! YES! The professor was concerned about plagiarism, but not the accidental kind, and after she determined from my sea of babbling that I knew the subject matter enough to have written the paper, she told me that I was in the clear and would receive a B- for the class. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

So many people were concerned about me and checked up on me throughout the day, including my therapist/counselor who asked if she could call me after the meeting to see how I was, which was really really really nice of her. I called my mom who was happy for me, and my bost frond who was happy for me too, and so were my sister and my cousin and my therapist. I came back to the cool and empty apartment, hungry and happy and sleepy for the first time in days, and I ate a marathon of food while reading a good book. I felt safe and loved in the family of things.* I still do. It is a good feeling.

Urgh I wish I could delete my extra Skype names. I hate having extraneous accounts.

For what it's worth, I am really happy at the moment, but it feels a little shaky and delirious, like in just a couple of paces I'll be sad again. 

MY FAVORITE GAME TO PLAY is WHAT WOULD I MOST LIKE TO EAT RIGHT NOW?!?!? It is inherently depressing but good for organizing the soul. I would most like to eat tri-tip with warm soft French bread, potato salad, chicken salad with walnuts, apples, and bleu cheese dressing, and fruit punch. God that sounds good. I WANT TO HAS EATS NOW.

Inception has suuuch good fic, om nom nom. Still haven't seen it yet! And it makes me anxious to see everyone falling in love with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I don't know why this unsettles me! Maybe it feels like I should be falling in love with him too. But I don't want to be all capsy and stuff, I just want to appreciate his fine acting (FOR REAL) and what an ultimate fantasy boyfrond he is. He'd be such a cool person to know. I like his dimples. Fine, maybe I'm already a little in love. Tra la la~

It was really hot today and it will only get hotter. Monday's high will be 99. WHAT THE FUCK.

*NOW THAT I AM TERRIFIED OF  NOT CITING THINGS: this is from Wild Geese by Mary Oliver, on which I imprinted something fierce when I was sixteen.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
WE BEAT THE SUBSPACE EMISSARY ADVENTURE ON SUPER SMASH BROS BRAWL

STFU THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR US, WE ARE NOT GAMERS, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE EVER FINISHED A GAME WITH A STORY AND STAGES AND BOSSES!!!! AND IT FELT DAMN GOOD

It was a total team effort!! My sister and I played through it with JJB chattering non-stop in the background like a sprite that follows you around telling you "Press B to use your boomerang!" while you look online for a cheat to help you kill him, or a random townsperson on an RPG that you try to avoid because if you walk past them you'll have to Skip twenty times while they talk about the history of the mountain or that the weather looks bad today, do you want to go fishing? OR WHATEVER.................................. anywaaaay JJB was helpful exactly 50% of the time (b/c he is literally a freaking encyclopedia when it comes to the stuff he's interested in) and CRAZY ANNOYING the other 50% of the time (b/c he is better than you and WILL NEVER STOP TALKING). And on the final boss Tabuu all three of us played against him in a frantic wii remote swap loop. It took us six tries!! gd his stupid wings. JJB was the one who finished him off with Ganondorf. (More like GanonDORK hurr hurr hurr. <-- our favorite joke) OH SWEET VICTORYYYYY

ELEVEN HOURSSSSSSSSSS~!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were probably a little too invested in the trophy story, but to be fair, JJB was the only one who actually cried when Ness sacrificed himself for Lucas. ;_____;

BEE DOO ROOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BA RA RA RA BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

PS, IT WAS ONLY ON EASY!!!! WE ARE ROCKSTARS
kerpingtack: illustration for aladdin 1928 "Aladdin Saluted Her with Joy" (salut her with joy)
OMG I JUST SAW THE PHILADELPHIA STORY

OMG OMG OMG

OR: Everything I have ever heard about Katharine Hepburn is true, and more.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I am on a contained, but thorough, youtube spiral wrt the Olympics (ie, endlessly clicking Related Videos BUT not going on wikipedia to branch out into other winter Olympics sports-->curling-->curly fries-->fast food commercials, etc). I am so so enamored of the pairs figure skating team who just won the gold medal, Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo of China:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

They have been partners (and they are SUCH partners ~on the ice~, it is so wonderful to watch!!!! I LOVE THEM) for eighteen years and they got married just a few years ago. He went down on one knee to propose to her on the ice after one of their performances, but she misinterpreted the gesture and kneeled with him ~in solidarity. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They came out of retirement for the Olympics because it was like the only medal in the universe they hadn't won yet. NOW THAT THEY HAVE WON IT THEY ARE RETIRING FOR GOOD AND FOCUSING ON THEIR FAMBLY. <3___<3

I LOVE THEM. THEY FIST-BUMP BEFORE THEY START SKATING. SHE SMILES SO BIG EVERY TIME THEY DO A BIG ELEMENT. THEY BOTH JUMPED OVER THE BARRICADE TO HUG THEIR COACH. THEY WERE SO HAPPY WHEN THEY WON. THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND WARM TOGETHER. THEY ARE SO IN LOVE. I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM I LOOOOOVE THEMMMMMMMMMM

The performances from the Olympics aren't up on youtube yet but this was their short program (Who Wants to Live Forever) for the 2009 - 2010 season and this was their long one (Adagio in G minor).
2002 Olympics short program (Kismet)
2003 Worlds long program (Turandot) <-- I LOVE this one

I have very little interest in men's figure skating. Women's figure skating hasn't started yet. I'm hella looking forward to it!

I'm in awe of Kim Yu-na! She is like the best in the universe right now. I don't know anything about figure skating, though apparently she is freaking textbook perfect, but just visually...!! The lines of her are amazingly pretty and it's all so easy and expressive. It's a thrill just to watch her go across the rink. Her skating is just so so pretty. (Note: I'm always surprised at how people choose to romanize Korean, because I saw her name in Korean and it's actually pronounced 'Yun-ah', not 'Yoo-nah'. But I didn't even know who she was until this Olympics, that's how bad of a Korean I am. They're going to revoke my card.)
2009 Worlds long program (Scheherazade)
2009 Skate America (James Bond medley) <-- It's a bit posey for my ~taste, but lol, it's a Bond medley and it's cute and she looks gr8 and I love how it follows the music, especially when it kicks into the main theme near the end.
2007 Worlds short program (El Tango de Roxanne)
2007 Worlds long program (The Lark Ascending) <-- She falls twice in this one near the end but everything up to that is so so so pretty. It's effortless to watch her. The music, the lines...!! also, my inner five-year-old is flipping out over her dress.

Of course Korea has been milking her for all she's worth so right now she's a giant cross-market commodity and, I think, the country's biggest celebrity. She's under craaaazy amounts of pressure. I want her to have a lion-shark-bulldog character who'll tell the Korean celebrity machine to back the fuck off (I have no doubt that the homeland pressure is the absolute worst). I hope she'll be alright. :<

I also like Mirai Nagasu. She is smooth yet lively! (Sounds like I'm describing wine.) And hella adorable, omg.
2010 US National Championships long program (Carmen)

yawww this was for my own reference more than anything else. I DON'T KNOW SQUAT ABOUT THIS SPORT (I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO ROLLER SKATE YO), I JUST LIKE PRETTY STUFF.

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counting at war

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