kerpingtack: mizuno ami & kino makoto chibi fanart (tired of studying)
Graduation today! Writing a lj/dw post was on my "to do" list before the ceremony to help get closure. Very mix of emotions. Many thin feelings that cannot be caught. 

  • Guilt because I feel like I don't really deserve it? I didn't put much effort into it, refused to really commit, and I fucked up my comprehensive exam. 
  • Wondering whether I should have told my dad: that ship has sailed anyway. So now wondering if I should tell my dad. I won't, but I'm still wondering lol.
  • Sadness because it's another chapter closing. Unless something goes terribly wrong in my life, this was my last year of school and my last chance to become a good student. Wasted potential. 
But I did finish, and the program helped me open up a lot. I definitely became more comfortable talking during the last three years. Someone even nominated me to be one of the two student speakers at this ceremony, LOL. I did not respond to the nomination, but it was kind of nice. 

I don't know. I feel like I've lost the ability to trace or evaluate my thought processes. And, like many many people across the globe to-day, I feel overwhelming and suffocating anxiety about the Times We Live In. How do "we" communicate and enact and protect our values? Stuff (SOCIETY! CIVILIZATION!!) only works if there is a common understanding, a consensus, THE SOCIAL CONTRACT. You can't stop to let a car through if the other lane doesn't stop, either. hashtag chronic stress, hashtag late stage capitalism, hashtag why. Like... how do we function and live IN the world when so many people just have no interest in ever ever ever listening? Like people whose reality is built ONLY around responding to their own deep festering hurt, and won't incorporate logic or compassion because it doesn't serve their... principles? idk what the word is. I'm not really asking "what's the ~point~ of empathy" but like... where will it take us, on a global scale? Where does it all go, when the Dark Heart of Humanity just gets deeper and darker? I believe that it all matters, that we have to shape our immediate reality by our day-to-day behaviors, but I also believe that humanity is doing too little, too late and we're actively setting ourselves back from even that minimal amount. 

Good lord, how is this post supposed to help me get ~mindful~ closure???

I put my hand against my neck, my thumb on my throat, and I think about how hard it is to reach myself. Let alone another person. A totally distinct, disparate human being! It doesn't feel alienating though; I feel humbled. I want to make whole other post about IU's Twenty-three and Palette, but for now, the part of Palette that touches me the most is "But still - I was pretty when I sang Good Day,"  saying it like "I saw that I was, wasn't I?" and her singing G-Dragon's rap during her live performances. "Jieun-ah." I've just always like that concept, of being able to stretch your hand through the hazy ~veil~ of time to your previous self and be able to see that you were just so young, and you needed love and support, and you deserved it then and you deserve it now. How to step outside yourself and see that you are just a person, who has fundamental worth, and aren't you somehow wonderful for even being able to recognize that? Doesn't it feel good to use your heart for yourself? There is something really tender about it.

idk, I still feel a lot of shame and derision about old memories, and each time they pop up in my head (which is pretty often, because of anxiety and school and social incompetence), I just feel like running a sword straight through past!me. Seeing all the stuff that's obvious to me now but was totally unknown and inaccessible to me then. Time is like running water that softens the sting of the really embarrassing stuff. Nothing changes the ~past~ but perspective, and it's not like your past mistakes get better, but you're just able to embrace yourself. Like sticking yourself with metaphorical blades doesn't serve a purpose for you anymore - it doesn't obliterate what actually happened, who you actually were then. And the pain you cause yourself stops becoming a virtue, and is instead just itself. "Be who you needed when you were younger" + "As adults, we try to develop the traits that would have saved our parents." 

Ugh now it's 4:00pm and I have to go to rehearsa! I didn't get to what I wanted in this post. I wanted to feel restful at the end of it lol. Oh well, what the hell. 

kerpingtack: cute drawing of japanese candy: pink blue white (bauble crie)
Where's that tumblr text post that's like, "me: starts a post about my mental health / me: never mind. let's internalize this one, buddy." That's what the past like three years have been like. I don't know how to deal with things. My mind vice just keeps gnashing away at these thoughts until I "forget" them, which is a forgetting of the event, not of the content - like, I just forget that I had certain thoughts or feelings in a certain wording, but the thoughts/feelings still live on in an amorphous poison cloud in my bodily tissues and such. Is this a gross visual? Whatever. I tromp forward with vigor!!

The guessing game for the 21st century: Did I just think it or did I tweet it? Like traveling through a murky, boring mirror funhouse.

Here are some things that made me feel some feelings:

"It's been so hard, not knowing what it's about" (paraphrased from this fic): This is a really difficult part of life, to me. The incomprehensibility of it. Not active confusion, really, just the sense that I don't know what's going on or why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I want what I want, what's expected of me and what I feel about it.

I started watching Crazy Ex Girfriend a few weeks ago and I really love and feel for Rebecca. I cried during that episode where they go to the beach, just the scenes where she's in the bus, so lonely and lost. Trying really hard to keep up and figure it out.

idk, I'll just totally surrender the fight of trying to phrase things in, like... a readable way, lol. To me, the things Rebecca does are because she doesn't know what else to do. And she doesn't know why she does them, either. When you don't know what you want, or why you want it, or how to get what you want - there's no way to organize anything in your head or heart. You can't put things into context. It's a jumble and you're left with just trying to deal with things as they come, a one-on-one basis, but life is so fucking confusing that doing things that way results in fucking nonsense and chaos. Because without any sense of a stable bigger picture, you're left with reacting based on your emotions at the time. But your emotions are already a mess, just an ocean that's always moving, waves and waves and currents and rocks and spray, too many components and forms it can take, too vast to get a hold of. It's hard. Not knowing what it's about.

"Let it be willing": Sort of a more graceful way of being like, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"? Except not really. (SEE ABOVE: GIVING UP ON TRYING TO READABLE). I've been ~mulling this over because of Gansey wrt the Raven King (this) and Bucky wrt Civil War (this). And in some sense, existential therapy (in the Frankl school), which says there is so much you can't control. Accept that, and find the bounds of what you can control, and make meaning out of it. The choice you make matters to you, even if it doesn't or can't reach anyone else. This is hard for me, and also why "seeing" it is very moving and affecting to me? Because it's like, even if you can't believe in yourself, you can believe in the value of your choice. I find it very beautiful. The way you can transform the nature of an action. You can think: In the end, it doesn't matter, because the result is the same. A death is a death, suffering is suffering. But no, not all the time. It does make a difference. Here we are, in a world of chaos and meaning. Walk into it, unburden yourself however you can. That Bucky fic makes me want to cry every time. "'Do what you think is best,' he says. 'I have.'" Something about grace. Something about acting in ways that you can be proud of, in retrospect and remembrance. Something about how love really is powerful - the only way out of the flat, terrible circle of violence - and sometimes intention does matter. 'The heart goes on and on and does not stop.' Something something something.

I made a 7+ minute long ~vlog~ while driving home yesterday where I mostly repeated, "Why does life feel like this?" over and over. Not even "why do I feel like this?" or "why is life like this?" Why does it FEEL? LIKE? THIS? When will it stop? Or more practically, when am I going to accept it? I have to heave my sadsack body through space and time, PUSHING IT AGAINST THE GROUND AND THROUGH THE AIR, insisting upon my own existence even though I don't even fucking want to exist. Isn't that just a hell of thing? Life goes on until it decides not to, or until you make it stop. I ask you, how is that fair?! It should be a fucking opt in system, not an opt out. Ughhhhhkl;wejrkl;jasdf;klhlkasdf

I would like to conclude this post by saying I wrote this all in a crowded Starbucks, EVEN THOUGH I'm sitting right next to counter and my screen is not facing the wall.

do harp on

May. 21st, 2013 02:55 pm
kerpingtack: jonghyun rdd mubank win: nonstop perfect faces (let's feel it a bit)
The house was in tumult the past week. Tons of dust has been unearthed and everything is in new places. I switched to the bigger bedroom. I was a little... not worried or afraid, but just aware that Chorong might stay in his spot on the windowsill in the small bedroom. Like, he liked the spot because of the spot itself, not because it was near me. But he moved with me to the big bedroom and he hangs out there, and now that I have a bigger bed, he sleeps with me on it too. :'3 It makes me really happy.

I think people are afraid that I'm going to get stuck in this town. I don't have a real sense of that - like, I don't really know what that would look like, and I don't personally feel that stultified now - so I'm not too worried. I don't have anything that sets my blood on fire or whatever. Maybe I'm snuffing out my own light by staying so still but for now, it's all I can deal with. I do feel panicked when I think about how I have no image for my future at all. I don't know what I want, at all; I have no plan. My strategy is to hesitate so long that things become irrelevant lol. Social work, whaaa? Teach in Korea, whaaaaa? Look for a job, whaaaaaaaaaa? idk. It sounds shitty and it's definitely unambitious/devoid of any forward motion, but it's manageable and I can live with it. Which is important to me. T___T Like, there's a comic on tumblr re: "getting out of your comfort zone!!" and they were like, "But I'm literally always uncomfortable." EVERYTHING is out of my comfort zone, except for sitting alone in a room with reasonable assurance that no one will intrude.

I think that's part of the reason why I felt so damn crazy last week. There were so many people at the house and they needed to keep moving to different parts of the house. There was no place for me to go or stay or anything.

Hm, returning to the possibility of me being stuck in this town: I hear it mostly from people who have lived in the area their whole lives, and they feel so suffocated by it and want to leave, to ~spread their wings and see what there is to see, etc. But I kinda feel like I left, and I failed to realize the possibilities, so I'm okay with retuning and staying. Hahaha.

My dad once told me that he just didn't want to see me get shrunken in. That I don't go out, I don't know many people, I don't do much, and my world just becomes very small. Well. But what if that's the only way I can deal with it? Because right now, the alternative seems like just a big wide world of noise and anxiety and no place to settle or feel safe.

I think writing long form entries encourage self-reflection, which is synonymous with self-hatred to me. Because now I feel like shit lol. twitter makes me feel like shit too though, for a different reason.

As always, sorry about my boring life!!


May. 3rd, 2013 10:25 am
kerpingtack: mizuno ami & kino makoto chibi fanart (tired of studying)
On the drive to work I thought about visiting my bost frond in Oakland after work; just taking off like a shot without going home or anything. So I indulged in that plan/fantasy for a few minutes before I remembered that my brother's field trip is not, actually, an overnight trip and he will still need to be picked up in the evening. Plus who would feed my cat? Who will sa~ave your soul?

I feel stressed out because I've been hemorrhaging money for a while now. I still have about $75 of debts to pay and things that need to be bought. T__T Of course even with that in mind, I went to Sephora yesterday and bought lipstick. Hahaha. Ugh.

from old entries never posted:

"i am really sorry i know i am not a good writer..this chapter seems boring..hihi anyway hpoe you guys enjoy.." omg I am crazy emotional/mood swingy today. I read this and I was all ;~; DON'T WORRY YOU ARE DOING FINE!!! (110920)

I hate faux affected sincerity so fucking much. (110726)
kerpingtack: google image of stained glass (candy floss)

Ugh I want EVERYONE to be touching and loving him ALL THE TIME. This is why I have to ship him with everything, there can never be enough love for him for my liking. EVERYONE LOVE HIM ALL THE TIME OMG. Plus, his body is as always too good to be true. That tiny waist omg. PLUS, TAEMIN TOUCHING HIM. (LOL the captions say "Taemin, thank you so much" when he pulls back Jonghyun's shirt.) Has Taemin been more touchy lately? I can't really tell because I don't pay that much attention to him but it seems like there's been a bit more casual Taemin-initated contact? Question mark? PLUS, THIS FUCKING PAPER UGH GOD I HATE MY LIFE

... other vids I've been watching
Jonghyun and Minho hug out of nowhere during the first concerts. I love that Jonghyun got OVERWHELMED with all his feelings during the concert and Minho picked up on that and hugged it out to ground him. And Minho yells "Jonghyunnie-hyung is/it's fine!" at the end of it (or some approximation of that). It reminds me of Key's shout-out to him during A-Yo, which in turns reminds me of the way the both them traded off yelling out Jonghyun's name over and over when they won for RDD when Jonghyun was out with the swine flu. Goddamnit someone write that 1000000 word Hello Baby outtake dynamic fic!! Ah god the way Jonghyun closes his eyes and just is ~in the hug~. It was a hard year for him and I think the concerts gave him (and ~the fans~) a lot of closure. And of course ever since the concerts it's been non-stop flirting between these two on-stage. LOL it's just their thing now I guess. BEST OTP 
Jonghyun cut at Immortal Song 2 press conference. I want this job. I could totally watch boring footage of idols and narrate dumb captions over it. Jonghyun provides a lot of good material because he's almost always DOING something. Is there anything going on in his head when he makes those random faces? (I know there's nothing going on in mine when I do it lol.) I'm obviously biased but I'm always amazed at how much SHINee members stand out amongst uh non-SHINee people. Their stupid little faces are pretty extraordinary. I also approve of Shin Dongyup patting his ass because uhmmm I don't need to explain myself to you!!11 No, I do think it's cute when people cop a feel show affection off-handedly like that, especially to someone like Jonghyun who thrives on approval and love. IU and Jonghyun are maddeningly cute together. Just two tiny adorable creatures being tiny and adorable together! Also him helping her with her chair, ugh frondly little gentleman. The way they edited and captioned the bit where they're all waiting for their turn in the photo call is very soash of gendery. Or something. The ease with which the guys dominate the conversation vs. how the girls just stand there, especially Hyorin who's been pretty much blocked out of the ~circle anyway. idk it's not hard to imagine this as representative of (idol) interactions in the general. Society is society. I think the way idols are networked is really interesting. In closing, lmao his giant cuffs.

Why do unfunny people try to be funny? The unfortunate part of internet memes is that it's really easy to pick up the structure without understanding what actually makes them funny. Macros are a perfect example. Relatedly, just because something is meant to be funny does not mean that it is actually funny. I hope people are just going along with the expected call-and-response sequence (ex: "[macro]" "LOL IRL WIN!!!11") because I refuse to believe so many people think all the dumb contrived banality in omona comments is actually amusing. Are we human or are we dancer?

I have no idea what I'm arguing anymore. Crying tears of blood. I wish I could just type up the required 5-6 pages in blog form and hand it in.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
It's the last week of the quarter now and the pressure is making my head cave in. I keep having all these surreal moments where I feel like I'm tilting out of my fucking life. I have so many fucking papers to write. omg why did I do this to myself again. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I still haven't gotten the incomplete grade from last quarter settled either. I am a master of self-sabotage.

Also my left hand keeps shaking. Why are you doing this to me body? TO US??

What happened to Daesung of Big Bang/what Daesung of Big Bang did (I'm still a little confused on what the fuck actually happened) is seriously one of things I'm most afraid of. I fucking hate driving.

I spent a while rereading old entries again. I really can never tell if I'm more wretched than I was then or less. I think I'm less like ~intellectually curious now, though that doesn't take much. I've closed up a lot and I'm really so fucking disenchanted with school and academia. It's tiring to like... think. Ahaha. Fuck shit I need to get my work done.

I went on a mini-death spiral of related videos on youtube. For some reason it turned into like a tour of mathematical kpop; I watched B2ST, 4minute, 2NE1, and f(x). I really like Hyuna! She's fun to watch not just for the obvious (hot) but because she looks comfortable and like she's actually enjoying herself when she dances, and that goes a long way towards ~me being comfortable and enjoying watching her. She's one of the girls in kpop that I think really owns her sexuality, or if not that, at least is comfortable with her body and its capacity to move. Like, she's not afraid of following through, like with using her hips all the way, etc. I also like Minzy, she's really cute. And all of f(x). Krystal and Jessica both have that weird ~it~ quality on-stage. (I'm quite prickly about comparing sisters but in this case I do think they have a similar presence.) Uh B2ST was really underwhelming. I admit that I have some stuff built against liking them though, like the fact that I don't find any of them attractive in the least, none of them have distinctive voices, and they have too many counts of cultural insensitivity/unnecessary fuckery associated with them, intentional or not (Kikwang's blackface itself and the band members' comments on it, refusing to wear kimonos in Japan, ). I don't really hold them accountable for those things but it's work to block it out. God I still live in terror of the possibility of my favorites revealing themselves to hold the fucked up normative views on race, gender, etc. THE BUBBLE MUST STAY PROTECTED ;~~~~~;

I LOVE SMTOWN'S LET'S GO ON A TRIP. The Korean word has like a connotation of vacationing/holidaying, idk, it makes it really really cute to me. And I love when a bunch of people are sining cheerfully together. (Caveat, also when they're at least trying to be in tune. I hate that joyless limp hipster indie twee shit.)

And I really really like SHINee's Scar. Is it not popular with the fandom or something? I never hear people talking about it. It's pretty damn good.

Finally caught up on Parks & Rec! LESLIE ;~; Leslie/Ben is cute and all but I think my favorite relationships on the show are Leslie/Ann and Leslie/Ron. And Ron/Parks dept. ahaha. UGH the ending of the uh second to last episode, omffffg SO PERFECT I was like clutching myself for dear life. Otherwise! Jean-Ralphio is a good example of how a perfectly executed character can become annoying with overexposure. Uhh Chris is also the other obvious example. LOL I'm really really annoyed with him and how the show is pushing him now. WHAT THE FUCK at that ~comforting the crying woman scene. My sister and I were like disgusted, lol. I really really hope they drop the Jerry bullying joke for the next season. They've already sort of toned it down from season 2 so I hope that continues. It's the only thing that honestly bothers me about the show. It's too reminiscent of the Office.

I know kpop is cute but why is the fic also so cute? LOL that's such a vapid way of phrasing it. I mean everything's really ~vanilla. You can really really tell the fandom is young by the fics. It's not necessarily bad but uhh sometimes it makes me forget how fics ~can be written. The fic isn't known for innovation or variety. Man I feel so crotchety when I complain about kpop ficdom. Ugh I've never been SO emotionally invested in a fandom like this before. I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE LEGIT IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE FROM MANUFACTURED POP BANDS

LOL omg I haven't finished a new book in like two years. Besides children's books that JJB was also reading. Oh wait that's not true, I read the Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi last spring ahahaha. I'm so uncultured, I can't get into anything anymore. I'm really character-based too. I can't get through anything if I don't give a shit about the people I'm reading and so often books are about boring douchey people doing boring douchey things. It's not even realistic or anything, it's like stylized privileged boring douchiness. Listen I get enough of that in real life, fucking please do something else. This isn't news or anything, but that's why I read fic so much and why ~characterization is the most important to me. The best function of fic for me is that thing that one guy talked about (MY IMPECCABLE MEMORY) about how discussing the media is a way of extending the experience. It's an extension of my love for the people/media product itself. Oh god what the hell is this paragraph about. Fic is really valuable and interesting for a lot of reasons but personally it works for me because I'm already invested and I don't have to work to care. LOL EMOTIONAL LAZINESS

LOL just sitting here saving pictures from tumblr and listening to the Sound of Music soundtrack. Anything to avoid work.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
















Mar. 22nd, 2010 08:51 pm
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
- feel fatty and bloated
- was desperately trying to nap in the TV room
- woken up by five billion phone calls (WHAT THE FUCK SO MANY FUCKING PHONE CALLS)
- finally woken up for good by doorbell, which I had to answer b/c my mom was puttering around in the kitchen and couldn't hear anything in her puttery deaf zone of putt putt kitchen time
- it was a repairman, come to fix our sink!

Okay this is petty cranky bloaty pizza hog talk, but my mom knew that repairman was coming and she was clearly not going to wake me up before he got there, meaning that she was just going to let me stay asleep in the middle of the TV room while some stranger went about our house. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH I'M CRANKY. WHY CAN'T I SLEEP PROPERLY. I ONLY SLEPT 4 HOURS LAST NIGHT AND BLOATY PIZZA HOG IS LE TIRED!!!!!!!!

edit: Also my phone is running out of batteries, which annoys me, and I ~feel~ like my mom lost the phone charger, which annoys me, and my phone is beeping, which annoys me, but I can't turn it off, which annoys me, because my sister needs to call me to tell me when she needs a ride. Which is the only thing that doesn't annoy me at the moment, besides vanilla yogurt and Newsradio. (I've watched sooooo many sitcoms in the past week.) ORGH ORGH ORGH TIRED.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I had a dream where Texas basically blew up (with ROCKET SHIPS) and we were invited to the ceremony where they congratulated the Obamas for uh not dying. And I had to make sure the quartet was going to play at the right time. My frond the bananaphone and I were talking about how it's un-American to be hot in the White House last night, maybe that's why.

I watched the Darjeeling Limited.
why is your head so bald )

how to... tie a tie
how to r... roll a joint
how to raise... a dragon
how to raise an... only child
how to raise an eyebrow

Firefox: Firefox cannot find the server at [x].
I always, always have this conversation in my head when I see that screen. whyyy do I talk so much to inanimate objectsssssssss

The only problem with modern day AUs for Sherlock Holmes fic is that I spend a quarter of my time going DOES WATSON STILL HAVE THE MUSTACHE. That mustache has a TIME and a PLACE and if a guy wore it now, he would look like a creep, even if he looked as good in it as M. Law does. He'd have to wear a suit all the time just to escape pedo classification. There is no way a mustache would be acceptable with everyday clothes. I am not crazy, I have proof in the form of hipster AU fanart* and Jude Law out of character (I don't have a link but imagine him looking CREEPY AND TERRIBLE). IF YOU THINK THESE THINGS ARE OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!! Anyway Watson is supposed to be respectable, and in this day and age that would mean being clean-shaven damnit. AUUUGHH MUSTACHES WITH REGULAR CLOTHES, GET IT AWAAAAAAY
*not that I'm saying the fanart is bad; it's amazing in its disgusting hipstery accuracy! except it makes me hate Watson with the power of everything for all that he represents.

Why am I so obsessed with how people name their files? I have a habit of saving documents with whatever phrase I feel like at the time. It is not the best system because this phrase is never descriptive so when I look back this happens like twenty times in a row:
'elsinore.doc', what the FUC-- *open*-- oh that's right
'it's not a hit.doc,' what the FUC--*open*-- oh that's right
'chick corea sings the blues.doc,' WHAT THE FUUUUC--*open*-- oh that's right
That last one is just dumb.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
2010 interview with Bill Watterson re: 15 year anniversary of the end of Calvin and Hobbes
True fact, I still haven't read Homicidal Jungle Cat because if there's still one more book to read, then it's not really over. ehehhehhh

Even though the ~slash writes itself~ and the movie itself heavily implies that Harry and Harmony don't work out and I like gay bickering marrieds, I feel kinda :d about how fast fic writers move to write Harmony out of the way for the Harry/Perry. Okay, yeah, I don't see how Harry/Harmony would work in the long run but why does she stop existing sometimes? She was a pretty big fucking part of the movie goddamnit, and it's not like she was an ill-defined character or just a tool, she could be a fun part of the fic! She's tough and flaky and smart and she has her own history and non-sexual motivations and moved the plot by her own steam and et cetera. She's a big reason why the movie is so good, at least to me. Like, the Harry/Perry (WHY MUST THEY RHYME, I AM TRYING TO BE SORT OF SRS) interaction is fucking PERFECT already; she doesn't have to be a threat or whatever. ilu Harmony


Guilt in general is not attractive because it's really not useful in the long run. White guilt is not attractive. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to apologize for being white. You're not doing anything wrong by EXISTING. You are fine. It's the same for liberal or class-based guilt. It isn't fundamentally wrong to have money or be born into a privilege.* It's how you handle that privilege, what you acknowledge, what you chose to act upon. Basically don't be a dick. That goes for everyone anyway. There, problem solved.
*This paragraph is also addressed to myself b/c sometimes I'm like UGH CRACKER in a not-totally-facetious way, which isn't ideal for me, and sometimes I feel REALLY BAD that I have a disposable income and a house and clean water, which is an unproductive as fuck feeling.

I have spent way too much time trying to parse this statement out:Conclusion: WHAT THE FUCK? That makes no goddamn sense. The Beatles as a band were at least 30 years old when Nevermind came out. Nirvana would only be like 15 years old at the most today or some shit. What the hell are they talking about. Of course that quote has been reblogged like 1000 times and wtf no one knows how to do math. tumblr is irritating.

arg I signed up for all these ~free trials~ (okay, two of them) and I have to call to cancel them. CALL! :<

I still have to shower and "get dressed." And eat.

Sometimes I feel like some people's lives are level but mine is slanted so I'm always slipping downward. Everything's an uphill battle. Getting up in the morning is still difficult even now. Seriously, what is wrong with me.


okay, done.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)

from one of the drawings [ profile] fitz_carraldo  bequeathed unto me for my birfday, because she is too good to meeee. Unfortunately all I know how to do is resize and crop, no joke, so I couldn't do anything awesome with the icon as it deserves.

Upgraded to Plus to get moar icons but I'm thinking of downgrading again. It's not even the ads; it's that I like "?style=mine" redirecting to the boring white backround, size 10 Verdana-land, not actually mine style.

btw I'm at my mom's office.
cut i: alternate captions include the word 'fail' )

cut ii: some awe in the first twenty seconds )

Also I came across this at un_love_you. UM HELL YEAH
cut iii: i feel bad about spamming )
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
Normally I wouldn't capitalize all the words because you aren't supposed to do that in Fronch but the band is not really French, so ~I just capitalize the way I feel~

I've been sick for a couple of days now even though I was asleep more than I was awake for the same couple of days. The cumulative effect is that I feel like I've been asleep longer than I've been alive. I'm just so tired. I haven't eaten anything all day and yesterday I basically had a waffle and a few strawberries, ende.

I think my flash drive is broken. I am so dead inside right now. I had ALL my pictures on there. ALL OF THEM. You guys don't understand, I save EVERYTHING. There was a fucking CATACOMB of folders in that drive. I'M SO DEAD INSIDE. I have most everything backed up from April 2009, but that's almost a year ago. I KNEW I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE PARANOID


I'm lonely from all the things I don't understand, experience, appreciate, etc. From the time I was in the throes of pre-adolescent fuckery, I wanted to be a thousand different things at once so I ended up being nothing. Depression = paralyzed with hope (tm Maria Bamford).

Plus, I'm super crazy. I've been going to my mom's office to "help" with work (actually I'm useless) and my mom told me the other day that her boss said I was pretty (not in a creepy way). I was flattered for a second before I thought MAYBE SHE MADE THAT UP TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT BEING UGLY. These days I even know I'm not ugly most of the time, so where did that thought come from? Unending paranoia I suppose.

om nom nom new fandom om nom nom Sherlock Holmes om nom nom Jude Law

Half the time he looks like a fucking serial killer and the other half he just looks like an asshole. Nevertheless he is honestly very good at being very beautiful. *____*

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Let's get this out of the way: this fucker is AMAZING in the face. 


In closing,
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kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)


kerpingtack: google image of stained glass (candy floss)
I keep seeing this around the house so yesterday I finally wrangled it down and scanned it.



i like marx

May. 5th, 2009 05:36 am
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
This entry was started on Saturday when I was sadcat and finished today, when I am not so sadcat. Mm.

I was flipping through my bookmarks and came across something I had uh obviously forgotten about. As an addendum to my "rrgh twitter suxx" post: Color War 2008 which, instead of bitching about twitter, finds a way to make it an actual fun social space. Much more constructive. PS, Ze Frank is one of my most favorite People I Don't Actually Know in the world.

Anyway now I will continue bitching about everything. I have a very strange outlook on the world at this stage of my life. It's like pessimistic nihilism with a hair-trigger hard-on for the ~goodness of man and ~worth of life. Also I fetishize hope pretty hard. I am both desperate to and scared of Believing in people, myself, god, anything. It's a sum total of being a fuck-up and not knowing how to recover from things. Instead I'm just devastated all the time. ~Everyday is a risk I can't take because I don't know how to come back from it. It's self-perpetuating fear, yeah, but it's not unfounded. Like, I know my life is worse off for being scurred all the time but what's the alternative? Shit if there's one thing the past four years have taught me, it's that things can always ALWAYS get worse. 

The Lexabro's not working. Or worse, it IS working, but I'm so fucked-up and shitty that even with the help I'm still a mess. I'm a really sad person.

I guess I have opinions on X-Men! X2 is easily the best movie in the franchise. The new Wolverine movie looks kinda dumb. By kinda I mean shyeah. By shyeah I mean I wish I hadn't eaten the last cookie yesterday. Emma Frost does not look nearly as fabulous enough as she deserves. That was Twilight-level dazzle in the commercials. I will never ever ever understand the appeal of Taylor Kitsch. He is SUCH A BAD ACTOR. WHY DOES NO ONE MENTION THIS???? HE IS TERRIBLE. Also he is fug as hell. I don't understand anyone. Finally, if there is Cyclops in the movie, wherefore no James Marsden? I don't care if he is supposed to be teenager!Cyclops. James Mraaarrrrrrrrrrrsdennnnnn. *__* Man I wish I was more into comic books. 

I went to Fridge's cousin's birthday party on Saturday and got a bit drunk. I don't think I did anything embarrassing but I feel embarrassed anyway. I feel like I am overflowing with want and that everyone can see it. I am neeeeeeeeeeedy. But also, I hate people. It's a tricky situation. For example, I hella wanted (male) attention even though the party was filled with condescending bastards. Tip, you cannot tell jokes to condescending bastards because they will take you seriously and be all "LOL did you JUST say that? THIS GIRL IS SOOO DRUNK." Fuck you, douchebag, I was using my sarcastic voice.

So afterward I missed the last step whilst walking back to the apt and rolled my ankle. Trying to take care of it was a bitch and a half; it took all day today since the medical center isn't open on the weekends. Very convenient, that. It turns out that I fractured the tip of my left fibula. The brace/cast felt like sex when they put it on, omg, soooo comforting. Crutches are hard fucking work. It took me 45 minutes to walk back to the apt when it usually takes 15 minutes and by the end of it I was so tired I could've cried. It was really humiliating and pathetic before I got the crutches though, because I couldn't put any weight on my foot so I seriously had to hop around from like bench to lamp post to side of a building etc. The worst part is that I'm not going to able to work with Library Guy anymore since I can't uh work in stacks. <-- creeper

Midterm was not good. Still don't have a research paper topic. I don't fucking care, I just want to get the fuck out. Even more so with this fracture nonsense.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)


kerpingtack: google image of stained glass (candy floss)
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Are you happy?

I think So You Think You Can Has Cheezburger Dance is sociologically interesting! I guess reality shows in general are interesting, in an academic sense. As actual entertainment they're mostly annoying. Okay the way SYTCD works is, at least for the season I'm watching (I think they change it around from season to season), there are two shows every week, a performance episode and a results episode. It starts with 20 dancers, 10 girls and 10 boys. They're paired together and dance together in a partnered routine in the performance episode. The viewers vote for their favorite couple. The next day, in the results episode, each person in the three couples with the lowest votes must dance a solo routine. The judges pick one guy and one girl to eliminate based on those solos/overall performance/whatever the hell they feel like (it's kind of bullshit).

wrt voting: they hella like place a lot of ~responsibility~ on the viewers. "America, if you want to keep your favorite dancers on the show, you have to pick up the phone" And when the dancers get voted in the bottom three, they're all, "Your votes could have kept them safe." And the judges are all "AMERICA did this, if it were up to us, these people would not be in danger." Okay I know all that is to make sure people watch the show and call in. Hooray capitalism! But it still sounds kinda bizarre.

The audience also boos at EVERY non-positive comment (seriously, it doesn't even have to be negative, it can just be "this wasn't my favorite routine tonight")  for EVERYONE. It's kinda funny because the judges get hella defensive about it. The judges on this show are weirdos though. Well okay the booing must be kind of overwhelming, it's a huge stadium and the judges are basically surrounded, but I think them trying to avoid being booed makes them sound even more bullshit than usual. Obviously it's not just the dancers that play to the audience. Okay right, my point is that there's this one episode where a couple who got rave reviews from the judges and a good reaction from the live audience got voted into the bottom three, and when that was announced in the results show, the crowd started booing. That was when I realized how fucking WEIRD it was for them to BOO at EVERYTHING, because seriously, lol wtf?? WHO were they even booing? They aren't addressing anyone actually THERE with them, since the judges had nothing to do with it. Those results are from the votes! Are they booing "AMERICA"/THEMSELVES? The boos went on and on like forever and lolol it reminded me of Arrested Development when they all chant "speech! speech!" for five minutes before realizing no one was going to make a speech. WHO WERE THEY BOOING?? LOLOL.

Right I am going to edit the fuck out of this section later, I know it doesn't make any sense.

SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME FOREVER: WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH ALL THE PRETEEN/TEEN BOOK SERIES FOR GIRLS ABOUT RICH WHITE SOCIALITES? Seriously, if you go to Borders or Barnes and Nobles and look in the relevant section, there are at least three of those series right there. It didn't use to be like that! Probably only in the past three to four years? I think this trend is kind of disturbing. I know every generation thinks theirs is the downfall of civilization and whatnot, but for reals, it feels like we're backsliding every which way. Even President Obama didn't fix racism!!!!!11111

Placeholder: hipster racism. I went D: for not realizing that aspect of the Daily Show/Colbert Report humor.

Ugh I'm going to beat the shit out of the The War Against Silence guy. KATY FUCKING PERRY? ON YOUR TOP 10 LIST?? WHAT THE FUCK, TWAS GUY!!!! Your douchiness usually does not extend to your musical taste!!!! >(( On the other hand, he put Praan, the song from Where the hell is Matt?, on the list too. So idk. God I hope he doesn't google himself or whatever and find this post. Listen stranger and D:er things have happened.

Relatedly there are a couple songs on Kelly Clarkson's new album that were Katy Perry demos. Listening to her in that context emphasizes how warm and approachable she is. Fuck I love Kelly Clarkson. Aww all over this review of her new album. I Do Not Hook Up is ace ace ace. I feel guilty about not actually buying CDs. I really like CDs, the production of it and CD art and shit. Don't die, music industry, once I have money I will buy stuff!! Just hang on!!

Things that confuse me: postmodernism. Yeah that's all I have to say about that.

God I am the stupidest person ever. I am really hating myself this week. I can't fucking enjoy ANYTHING without making it all about me and ending up feeling depressed. And everything is breaking my heart. Maybe I'm just having a bad couple of weeks. Maybe I'm never going to get better. Fuck. 


kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
counting at war

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