kerpingtack: cute drawing of japanese candy: pink blue white (bauble crie)
Where's that tumblr text post that's like, "me: starts a post about my mental health / me: never mind. let's internalize this one, buddy." That's what the past like three years have been like. I don't know how to deal with things. My mind vice just keeps gnashing away at these thoughts until I "forget" them, which is a forgetting of the event, not of the content - like, I just forget that I had certain thoughts or feelings in a certain wording, but the thoughts/feelings still live on in an amorphous poison cloud in my bodily tissues and such. Is this a gross visual? Whatever. I tromp forward with vigor!!

The guessing game for the 21st century: Did I just think it or did I tweet it? Like traveling through a murky, boring mirror funhouse.

Here are some things that made me feel some feelings:

"It's been so hard, not knowing what it's about" (paraphrased from this fic): This is a really difficult part of life, to me. The incomprehensibility of it. Not active confusion, really, just the sense that I don't know what's going on or why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I want what I want, what's expected of me and what I feel about it.

I started watching Crazy Ex Girfriend a few weeks ago and I really love and feel for Rebecca. I cried during that episode where they go to the beach, just the scenes where she's in the bus, so lonely and lost. Trying really hard to keep up and figure it out.

idk, I'll just totally surrender the fight of trying to phrase things in, like... a readable way, lol. To me, the things Rebecca does are because she doesn't know what else to do. And she doesn't know why she does them, either. When you don't know what you want, or why you want it, or how to get what you want - there's no way to organize anything in your head or heart. You can't put things into context. It's a jumble and you're left with just trying to deal with things as they come, a one-on-one basis, but life is so fucking confusing that doing things that way results in fucking nonsense and chaos. Because without any sense of a stable bigger picture, you're left with reacting based on your emotions at the time. But your emotions are already a mess, just an ocean that's always moving, waves and waves and currents and rocks and spray, too many components and forms it can take, too vast to get a hold of. It's hard. Not knowing what it's about.

"Let it be willing": Sort of a more graceful way of being like, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"? Except not really. (SEE ABOVE: GIVING UP ON TRYING TO READABLE). I've been ~mulling this over because of Gansey wrt the Raven King (this) and Bucky wrt Civil War (this). And in some sense, existential therapy (in the Frankl school), which says there is so much you can't control. Accept that, and find the bounds of what you can control, and make meaning out of it. The choice you make matters to you, even if it doesn't or can't reach anyone else. This is hard for me, and also why "seeing" it is very moving and affecting to me? Because it's like, even if you can't believe in yourself, you can believe in the value of your choice. I find it very beautiful. The way you can transform the nature of an action. You can think: In the end, it doesn't matter, because the result is the same. A death is a death, suffering is suffering. But no, not all the time. It does make a difference. Here we are, in a world of chaos and meaning. Walk into it, unburden yourself however you can. That Bucky fic makes me want to cry every time. "'Do what you think is best,' he says. 'I have.'" Something about grace. Something about acting in ways that you can be proud of, in retrospect and remembrance. Something about how love really is powerful - the only way out of the flat, terrible circle of violence - and sometimes intention does matter. 'The heart goes on and on and does not stop.' Something something something.


I made a 7+ minute long ~vlog~ while driving home yesterday where I mostly repeated, "Why does life feel like this?" over and over. Not even "why do I feel like this?" or "why is life like this?" Why does it FEEL? LIKE? THIS? When will it stop? Or more practically, when am I going to accept it? I have to heave my sadsack body through space and time, PUSHING IT AGAINST THE GROUND AND THROUGH THE AIR, insisting upon my own existence even though I don't even fucking want to exist. Isn't that just a hell of thing? Life goes on until it decides not to, or until you make it stop. I ask you, how is that fair?! It should be a fucking opt in system, not an opt out. Ughhhhhkl;wejrkl;jasdf;klhlkasdf

I would like to conclude this post by saying I wrote this all in a crowded Starbucks, EVEN THOUGH I'm sitting right next to counter and my screen is not facing the wall.
kerpingtack: astronaut cat's school picture (deep space turtle chase)
Internet, let me tell you something. I have had two hours of sleep and I will be at work until 6 PM. Then I will have to go to a church meeting then we will drive two hours to my aunt's house. why do I make the choices I make? w h y D: While I was propped up in my bed trying for like three minutes to hook on my bra in complete brain-dead stupor, I started thinking about what I would say if a Korean news site interviewed me about Hallyu and whether anyone would care if I referred to my hometown as the countryside. And then I imagined the netizen comments. Oh, the netizen comments!!

omg I am so fucking insensate right now. The two days ago I got four hours of sleep, also just for no fucking reason.

You know how sometimes you wake up with a song, or just a sound in your head, and it's like BLARING at you?? I have "deep space tu-u-urtle cha-a-ase" in my head. It's some jingle for the RPG my brother plays. omg. Who can help me? Can I be helped?!

These holiday cards are so late they don't make sense anymore. Maybe I'll say they're for the lunar new year though they'll be late for that as well.

Here is my favorite flavor of jjongtaem, weirdos being weirdos together.

hard rock cafee )

Yes this means that I did a gifspam at the office. Blocking the screen with my entire body. There is nothing for me to do. Why did I sleep so late, why, WHY DID I DO IT.

drains

Nov. 15th, 2010 11:18 am
kerpingtack: badly cropped deers drawn by a korean artist (nearly spring)
LOL OKAY I'M FINISHING THIS

MY SPIRITUAL PROBLEM WITH KPOP WOULD BE THE SAME PROBLEM I WOULD HAVE WITH ANY KIND OF SUPER-MAINSTREAM MEDIA AND THE KIND OF MENTALITY THAT ATTRACTS IN THE FANDOM

THUS: FUCK YOU CAPITALISM AND FUCK YOU CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Now there will be nothing but shallow capslock fangirling.

- I fucking hate regression.
- LOOL idk what's going on, but I hope that tumblr's day of reckoning has come even though the fuckyeah fan tumblrs are useful as hell. No one credits anything over there. Go balls out, 4chan.
- I've been listening to a lot of Kelly Clarkson lately and christ, the warmth and personality in her voice is seriously amazing. I really love her. Pop music at its best.
- On the other hand, good god, Jonghyun, why are you listening to Justin Beiber???
- AND DON'T BE A HIPSTER
- AND KEEP LOOKING LIKE THIS *_______________*

lol even with this relentless kpop spam, I really have been holding myself back. This shit would look like a fucking twitter if I posted everything I wanted. Anyway, brb cobbling together another huge megapost about why I am in love with Jonghyun.

- omg "kpop talented." This phrase is so unfortunately useful.
- GOD I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. *downloads Super Junior song* Well, it was already over once I heard Rokkugo.
- I really love Hoot. SNSD seem to like this concept too. It's so fun and playful and sly! Too bad about Tiffany and Sunny's hair though, and Taeyeon's wig. WHO THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. Man I cannot get over how fucking gorgeous Sooyoung looks right now. Her hair is so pretty and she looks a mile long during the performances omg. I hope they promote her hardcore now. I mean, she's consistently at the bottom of the SNSD popularity rankings, which blows my mind. Have they never seen her on variety shows or heard her on the radio?? SHE IS THE BEST.

oh jesus, SM's put an official hold on Jonghyun. I don't bleev the conspiracy theories, though I do get myself all worked up over them just for recreation I guess, but I do think there's something weird going on. SM likes to do this thing where they let someone take a break because of an "injury" and then phase them out of existence. You for real never hear about that person again. ("Injury" is in quotation marks not because they're not actually injured, because they are, but because usually they'd still be back to work unhealthily quickly. Minho tore ligaments in his knee earlier this year and he was dancing within like a month and he didn't get to sit out all of the Lucifer promotions. wtf is SM doing.) DO NOT BE THE NEXT AMBER, JONGHYUN, STAY IN KOREA AND COME BACK TO SHINEE SOON. ;______;

- I have work in stacks today. Christ on earth. Is it logically possible for someone with that blonde/black skunk hair to not be completely disgusting? There's this skinny white hipster with that hair on my shift and she is such a fucking moron. She and this other terrible douchebag were fucking around with the books we were intershelving and the douchebag was "reading" a Vietnamese book and she was like, "LOLOL VIETNAMESE IS UGLY." BITCH, YOU'RE UGLY, SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND KEEP YOUR PRIVILEGED HONKY THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. 
- ... uhh I'm working on cutting down on the gendered insults. And calling people honky.
- Soda has such a strong effect on me. I had a glass of Coke yesterday and my heart felt like it was trying to crawl into my hands. idk if it's the sugar or the caffeine.
- Pet peeve: half-assed passive-aggressiveness on the internet. Somehow it's 1000000000x more viscerally annoying to me than in real life. I didn't care about your comment until you added your stupid *shrug* or "I'm sorry, but..." or whatever, but now I want to punch you in the throat. Goddddd I hate it when people use *shrug*. Number one irrational hate boner.
- As the day got colder yesterday I just put on more and more clothes until I looked like I was ready to hipster jazzercise. Hipstercise? I had shorts over leggings over socks and a cardigan. CARDIGAN. 
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I AM GOING BONKERS OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME

IF I CANNOT FINISH THIS PAPER TODAY

I WILL

LITERALLY

DIE

WHY IS THIS SO HARD, I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS CONTINUOUSLY LIKE NIGHT AND DAY FOR TWO WEEKS AND IT IS STILL NOT FINISHED AND IT IS ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE 6 - 10 PAGES DOUBLE-SPACED WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

AND NOW MY EARS ARE RINGING!!! GREAT I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE A STROKE OR SOMETHING THAT IS GREAT

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE 5 HOURS OF SLEEP I'VE BEEN AVERAGING FOR THE PAST WEEK OR THE CAN OF CHERRY COKE I JUST DRANK

CAPS CAPS CAPS

I AM SO SAD IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! THIS PAPER IS NEVER GOING TO BE FINISHED 

LOOK AT ALL MY TAGS, I HOPE THEY ARE AS LONG AS THE ACTUAL ENTRY

WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY AND WHY ARE THEY ALL SO RELEVANT

HOBO CORN

OBAMA'S ICY GLAMOUR

BILLY IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I am on a contained, but thorough, youtube spiral wrt the Olympics (ie, endlessly clicking Related Videos BUT not going on wikipedia to branch out into other winter Olympics sports-->curling-->curly fries-->fast food commercials, etc). I am so so enamored of the pairs figure skating team who just won the gold medal, Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo of China:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

They have been partners (and they are SUCH partners ~on the ice~, it is so wonderful to watch!!!! I LOVE THEM) for eighteen years and they got married just a few years ago. He went down on one knee to propose to her on the ice after one of their performances, but she misinterpreted the gesture and kneeled with him ~in solidarity. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They came out of retirement for the Olympics because it was like the only medal in the universe they hadn't won yet. NOW THAT THEY HAVE WON IT THEY ARE RETIRING FOR GOOD AND FOCUSING ON THEIR FAMBLY. <3___<3

I LOVE THEM. THEY FIST-BUMP BEFORE THEY START SKATING. SHE SMILES SO BIG EVERY TIME THEY DO A BIG ELEMENT. THEY BOTH JUMPED OVER THE BARRICADE TO HUG THEIR COACH. THEY WERE SO HAPPY WHEN THEY WON. THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND WARM TOGETHER. THEY ARE SO IN LOVE. I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM I LOOOOOVE THEMMMMMMMMMM

The performances from the Olympics aren't up on youtube yet but this was their short program (Who Wants to Live Forever) for the 2009 - 2010 season and this was their long one (Adagio in G minor).
2002 Olympics short program (Kismet)
2003 Worlds long program (Turandot) <-- I LOVE this one

I have very little interest in men's figure skating. Women's figure skating hasn't started yet. I'm hella looking forward to it!

I'm in awe of Kim Yu-na! She is like the best in the universe right now. I don't know anything about figure skating, though apparently she is freaking textbook perfect, but just visually...!! The lines of her are amazingly pretty and it's all so easy and expressive. It's a thrill just to watch her go across the rink. Her skating is just so so pretty. (Note: I'm always surprised at how people choose to romanize Korean, because I saw her name in Korean and it's actually pronounced 'Yun-ah', not 'Yoo-nah'. But I didn't even know who she was until this Olympics, that's how bad of a Korean I am. They're going to revoke my card.)
2009 Worlds long program (Scheherazade)
2009 Skate America (James Bond medley) <-- It's a bit posey for my ~taste, but lol, it's a Bond medley and it's cute and she looks gr8 and I love how it follows the music, especially when it kicks into the main theme near the end.
2007 Worlds short program (El Tango de Roxanne)
2007 Worlds long program (The Lark Ascending) <-- She falls twice in this one near the end but everything up to that is so so so pretty. It's effortless to watch her. The music, the lines...!! also, my inner five-year-old is flipping out over her dress.

Of course Korea has been milking her for all she's worth so right now she's a giant cross-market commodity and, I think, the country's biggest celebrity. She's under craaaazy amounts of pressure. I want her to have a lion-shark-bulldog character who'll tell the Korean celebrity machine to back the fuck off (I have no doubt that the homeland pressure is the absolute worst). I hope she'll be alright. :<

I also like Mirai Nagasu. She is smooth yet lively! (Sounds like I'm describing wine.) And hella adorable, omg.
2010 US National Championships long program (Carmen)

yawww this was for my own reference more than anything else. I DON'T KNOW SQUAT ABOUT THIS SPORT (I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO ROLLER SKATE YO), I JUST LIKE PRETTY STUFF.
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
Normally I wouldn't capitalize all the words because you aren't supposed to do that in Fronch but the band is not really French, so ~I just capitalize the way I feel~

I've been sick for a couple of days now even though I was asleep more than I was awake for the same couple of days. The cumulative effect is that I feel like I've been asleep longer than I've been alive. I'm just so tired. I haven't eaten anything all day and yesterday I basically had a waffle and a few strawberries, ende.

I think my flash drive is broken. I am so dead inside right now. I had ALL my pictures on there. ALL OF THEM. You guys don't understand, I save EVERYTHING. There was a fucking CATACOMB of folders in that drive. I'M SO DEAD INSIDE. I have most everything backed up from April 2009, but that's almost a year ago. I KNEW I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE PARANOID

MELANCHOLY

I'm lonely from all the things I don't understand, experience, appreciate, etc. From the time I was in the throes of pre-adolescent fuckery, I wanted to be a thousand different things at once so I ended up being nothing. Depression = paralyzed with hope (tm Maria Bamford).

Plus, I'm super crazy. I've been going to my mom's office to "help" with work (actually I'm useless) and my mom told me the other day that her boss said I was pretty (not in a creepy way). I was flattered for a second before I thought MAYBE SHE MADE THAT UP TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT BEING UGLY. These days I even know I'm not ugly most of the time, so where did that thought come from? Unending paranoia I suppose.

om nom nom new fandom om nom nom Sherlock Holmes om nom nom Jude Law

Half the time he looks like a fucking serial killer and the other half he just looks like an asshole. Nevertheless he is honestly very good at being very beautiful. *____*

Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Let's get this out of the way: this fucker is AMAZING in the face. 

DAMN STRAIGHT IT'S A PICSPAM )

In closing,
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
GODDAMN
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
SO I completely missed the boat on a Beatle kids post on ontd_beatles like half a week ago. NOT IT STOPPED ME FROM SPAMMING THE COMMENTS (LOLOL I'M LIKE LITERALLY THE SECOND-TO-LAST COMMENT ON THERE OMG). I will literally never get the hang of Not Being Awkward.

ANYWAAAY.

the art of the picspam (now with extra commentary) )
kerpingtack: alec baldwin in beetlejuice (CHEKRD SHRT + GLASSES = YES YES YES!!)
Notes
- Mellie is our cat.
- JJB is obsessed with this online RPG called Runescape.
- No one knows what he's talking about 75% of the time so I cannot offer you any explanations.

JJB: In Runescape you can whack people with a rubber chicken.
Me: You can whack people with a rubber chicken in real life.
JJB: But people don't know what a rubber chicken looks like! It's like a stick of cooked chicken, except rubber and you can whack people with it.

Mom: *gesturing at me and my siblings* You guys are all weird.
Me: *Significant Look at Mom* What do we all have in common?
JJB: We're all Korean!
JJB: And we all know about Runescape.
Mom: ... that's very true.

JJB: You can talk to cats in Runescape.
Me and Sister: *sporfles water*
JJB: It'll go.
JJB: *gazes off into middle distance*
JJB: Miaow.
JJB: *pause*
JJB: Miaow.
Me and Sister: *dies*
JJB: That's what the purple cat sounds like. It's purple because Maggie made it that way.
Me: Is that why you were asking about dyeing Mellie purple?!
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
My Beatles picture folder is at 900+ pictures. How did this happen? Actually, I shan't be coy; I know how it happened. PAUL MCCARTNEY'S STUPID FACE. Who goes around just looking like that??? RIDICULOUS. *right click save right click save right click save*

Ceci n'est pas une picspam.

get it, because they liked magritte!! )

This was like a silent movie by my standards. Please note how this did NOT degenerate into 500000 pictures of Paul, even though I literally have 30x more pictures of him than anyone else (George, 14 pictures; John, 15 pictures; Ringo, 27 pictures; Paul, 455 pictures. o___o)
kerpingtack: alec baldwin in beetlejuice (CHEKRD SHRT + GLASSES = YES YES YES!!)
I'm usually done at 2 on Fridays, but since I missed work on Tuesday I had to make up my hours and I had to stay until 6. I've been riding the Student Disabilities bus back to the apt for the past week, but they stop giving rides at 5 on Fridays. So I thought, okay I'll take the CSO Evening Service Van BUT THEY DON'T EVEN WORK ON FRIDAYS. So it's 6 o'clock, I'm tired, and I'm looking at going all the way from YRL to the apt. HERE IS A DEMONSTRATIVE PICTURE


don't stalk me )


THAT IS A FUCKING LONG WAY, OKAY? That map doesn't even show how many fucking stairs and hills there are. Strathmore is a steep bitch. I had already hobbled from Ashe to YRL, which is barely even half the distance of YRL --> apt, and that seriously took me 35 minutes. I was so wiped out afterward. Plus I had memories of going from Ashe --> apt on Monday, which, granted, was the first day on crutches so it's not the best standard. But that trip took me 45 minutes and I seriously almost cried from exhaustion.

So I was like FUCK!! and really exhausted and sadcat. I went to the Anderson School of Business, which is not the fastest way to cut through campus but it was marginally easier because they have an elevator, so I didn't have to go down the big hills or the millions of stair clusters littering the way to Bruin Walk. At the lobby of Anderson there was all this leftover food from whatever hoohah they were having (I don't understand business at all), and there was almost no one there, so I hella loitered around for like 20 minutes snitching carrot sticks and crackers and a bottle of water and 3 cans of soda. Ummm. LOL me and this one guy just wouldn't leave! Anyway at one point one of the people who floated through was all "must be hard getting around campus" and I was like "LOL YEAH I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET HOAM IN BTWN BITES OF STOLEN CARROT STICKS" and he was all "... wot do you mean, you're trying to figure out how to get home?" and I was like "LULZ I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO WALK, IT'LL ONLY TAKE ME TWO HOURS" and he went :/ and floated out.

Ten minutes later I decided to finally get going and waited by the elevator. The man was there too and he asked if I had a ride yet and I was all "ummmmmmmm." He asked where I was going and he said he could take me. Ahahahaa I knoooow not a good idea but I really didn't want to walk and he seemed nice so I just went OMG REALLY? In the parking lot (where I was FOLLOWING HIM TO HIS CAR LOL) I was like this could be a very very bad idea. But he told me he was a professor so somehow that made it Okay in my head. LULZ HE HAD A JAGUAR.

It was fucking cool though! He was just a nice dude, but not like nice-friendly which would've made me kind of uncomfortable, it was just badass-nice, like whatever, dropping you off is like dropping off a sack of potatoes, ain't no thing but a chicken wing. We talked a little and I don't think I came off too badly even though he is a business/finance professor and I am... myself. Hahahah amazing, I didn't have to walk AT ALL and it was completely non-creepery. AMAZING! FIST BUMPS OF LOVE AND PEACE, HAAAAAALE YES!
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
LISTEN. YOU GUYS.

PAUL MCCARTNEY. WAS SUCH A PHYSICALLY LOVELY HUMAN BEING. OKAY. HE IS A MOST LOVELY HUMAN BEING IN GENERAL BUT HE USED TO BE FUCKING EXTRAORDINARY LOOKING IT IS RIDICULOUS

I HAVE MANY PHOTOS NAMED THINGS LIKE "DOWAGER EMPRESS" AND "SAUCY LITTLE TART" AND "PLEASE LET ME DATE YOU PAUL MCCARTNEY"

IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT I AM SHALLOW, IF PAUL MCCARTNEY DID NOT WANT TO BE OBJECTIFIED 50 YEARS AFTER THE FACT HE WOULD NOT HAVE GONE AROUND LOOKING LIKE THAT!!!1111 OKAY OBVIOUSLY





LOOK AT 1:26/1:37/ALL OF THE 1960s, WHAT THE HOLY HELL, WHO GOES AROUND JUST LOOKING LIKE THAT??? THAT IS RIDICULOUS. SHUT UP WITH YOUR FACE PAUL MCCARTNEY!!!!!!!

ALSO

THIS PAPER

IS MAKING ME

FUCKING

CRAZY
kerpingtack: alec baldwin in beetlejuice (CHEKRD SHRT + GLASSES = YES YES YES!!)
THE FRAT HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME IS HAVING A GIANT SING-A-LONG TO

JOURNEY'S

DON'T

STOP

BELIEVING

LOLOL A GIRL JUST SCREAMED IN PURE DELIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF STEVE PERRY'S "HOLD ONTO THAT FEEEEEEEEELIN"

AHAHAHA THE DJ KEEPS CUTTING THE MUSIC OUT SO EVERYONE CAN SHOUT THE WORDS A CAPELLA

THIS IS AMAZING

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