kerpingtack: mizuno ami & kino makoto chibi fanart (tired of studying)
Graduation today! Writing a lj/dw post was on my "to do" list before the ceremony to help get closure. Very mix of emotions. Many thin feelings that cannot be caught. 

List: 
  • Guilt because I feel like I don't really deserve it? I didn't put much effort into it, refused to really commit, and I fucked up my comprehensive exam. 
  • Wondering whether I should have told my dad: that ship has sailed anyway. So now wondering if I should tell my dad. I won't, but I'm still wondering lol.
  • Sadness because it's another chapter closing. Unless something goes terribly wrong in my life, this was my last year of school and my last chance to become a good student. Wasted potential. 
But I did finish, and the program helped me open up a lot. I definitely became more comfortable talking during the last three years. Someone even nominated me to be one of the two student speakers at this ceremony, LOL. I did not respond to the nomination, but it was kind of nice. 

I don't know. I feel like I've lost the ability to trace or evaluate my thought processes. And, like many many people across the globe to-day, I feel overwhelming and suffocating anxiety about the Times We Live In. How do "we" communicate and enact and protect our values? Stuff (SOCIETY! CIVILIZATION!!) only works if there is a common understanding, a consensus, THE SOCIAL CONTRACT. You can't stop to let a car through if the other lane doesn't stop, either. hashtag chronic stress, hashtag late stage capitalism, hashtag why. Like... how do we function and live IN the world when so many people just have no interest in ever ever ever listening? Like people whose reality is built ONLY around responding to their own deep festering hurt, and won't incorporate logic or compassion because it doesn't serve their... principles? idk what the word is. I'm not really asking "what's the ~point~ of empathy" but like... where will it take us, on a global scale? Where does it all go, when the Dark Heart of Humanity just gets deeper and darker? I believe that it all matters, that we have to shape our immediate reality by our day-to-day behaviors, but I also believe that humanity is doing too little, too late and we're actively setting ourselves back from even that minimal amount. 

Good lord, how is this post supposed to help me get ~mindful~ closure???

I put my hand against my neck, my thumb on my throat, and I think about how hard it is to reach myself. Let alone another person. A totally distinct, disparate human being! It doesn't feel alienating though; I feel humbled. I want to make whole other post about IU's Twenty-three and Palette, but for now, the part of Palette that touches me the most is "But still - I was pretty when I sang Good Day,"  saying it like "I saw that I was, wasn't I?" and her singing G-Dragon's rap during her live performances. "Jieun-ah." I've just always like that concept, of being able to stretch your hand through the hazy ~veil~ of time to your previous self and be able to see that you were just so young, and you needed love and support, and you deserved it then and you deserve it now. How to step outside yourself and see that you are just a person, who has fundamental worth, and aren't you somehow wonderful for even being able to recognize that? Doesn't it feel good to use your heart for yourself? There is something really tender about it.

idk, I still feel a lot of shame and derision about old memories, and each time they pop up in my head (which is pretty often, because of anxiety and school and social incompetence), I just feel like running a sword straight through past!me. Seeing all the stuff that's obvious to me now but was totally unknown and inaccessible to me then. Time is like running water that softens the sting of the really embarrassing stuff. Nothing changes the ~past~ but perspective, and it's not like your past mistakes get better, but you're just able to embrace yourself. Like sticking yourself with metaphorical blades doesn't serve a purpose for you anymore - it doesn't obliterate what actually happened, who you actually were then. And the pain you cause yourself stops becoming a virtue, and is instead just itself. "Be who you needed when you were younger" + "As adults, we try to develop the traits that would have saved our parents." 

Ugh now it's 4:00pm and I have to go to rehearsa! I didn't get to what I wanted in this post. I wanted to feel restful at the end of it lol. Oh well, what the hell. 
 

kerpingtack: cute drawing of japanese candy: pink blue white (bauble crie)
Soppy sentimentality: I feel really deeply grateful when Melon sleeps next to me. She's skittish and anxious overall, but she's able to relax so totally near me. She trusts me to never, ever hurt her, and I know that I would never, ever hurt her.

Brazen buffoonery: I accidentally a whole page of messages in my dreamwidth inbox. I guess they're just gone? There's no trash folder!

I cannot believe how tired I am right now. I took Benadryl last night to help me go to the fuck to sleep (good idea right???) and I don't think it worked. I took it the night before and it seemed helpful then T___T

I wanted to embed a voice/audio post here but I don't know how to do it. I thought there would be a simple button. I'm too tired for things that take multiple steps. 
kerpingtack: cute drawing of japanese candy: pink blue white (bauble crie)
Where's that tumblr text post that's like, "me: starts a post about my mental health / me: never mind. let's internalize this one, buddy." That's what the past like three years have been like. I don't know how to deal with things. My mind vice just keeps gnashing away at these thoughts until I "forget" them, which is a forgetting of the event, not of the content - like, I just forget that I had certain thoughts or feelings in a certain wording, but the thoughts/feelings still live on in an amorphous poison cloud in my bodily tissues and such. Is this a gross visual? Whatever. I tromp forward with vigor!!

The guessing game for the 21st century: Did I just think it or did I tweet it? Like traveling through a murky, boring mirror funhouse.

Here are some things that made me feel some feelings:

"It's been so hard, not knowing what it's about" (paraphrased from this fic): This is a really difficult part of life, to me. The incomprehensibility of it. Not active confusion, really, just the sense that I don't know what's going on or why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I want what I want, what's expected of me and what I feel about it.

I started watching Crazy Ex Girfriend a few weeks ago and I really love and feel for Rebecca. I cried during that episode where they go to the beach, just the scenes where she's in the bus, so lonely and lost. Trying really hard to keep up and figure it out.

idk, I'll just totally surrender the fight of trying to phrase things in, like... a readable way, lol. To me, the things Rebecca does are because she doesn't know what else to do. And she doesn't know why she does them, either. When you don't know what you want, or why you want it, or how to get what you want - there's no way to organize anything in your head or heart. You can't put things into context. It's a jumble and you're left with just trying to deal with things as they come, a one-on-one basis, but life is so fucking confusing that doing things that way results in fucking nonsense and chaos. Because without any sense of a stable bigger picture, you're left with reacting based on your emotions at the time. But your emotions are already a mess, just an ocean that's always moving, waves and waves and currents and rocks and spray, too many components and forms it can take, too vast to get a hold of. It's hard. Not knowing what it's about.

"Let it be willing": Sort of a more graceful way of being like, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"? Except not really. (SEE ABOVE: GIVING UP ON TRYING TO READABLE). I've been ~mulling this over because of Gansey wrt the Raven King (this) and Bucky wrt Civil War (this). And in some sense, existential therapy (in the Frankl school), which says there is so much you can't control. Accept that, and find the bounds of what you can control, and make meaning out of it. The choice you make matters to you, even if it doesn't or can't reach anyone else. This is hard for me, and also why "seeing" it is very moving and affecting to me? Because it's like, even if you can't believe in yourself, you can believe in the value of your choice. I find it very beautiful. The way you can transform the nature of an action. You can think: In the end, it doesn't matter, because the result is the same. A death is a death, suffering is suffering. But no, not all the time. It does make a difference. Here we are, in a world of chaos and meaning. Walk into it, unburden yourself however you can. That Bucky fic makes me want to cry every time. "'Do what you think is best,' he says. 'I have.'" Something about grace. Something about acting in ways that you can be proud of, in retrospect and remembrance. Something about how love really is powerful - the only way out of the flat, terrible circle of violence - and sometimes intention does matter. 'The heart goes on and on and does not stop.' Something something something.


I made a 7+ minute long ~vlog~ while driving home yesterday where I mostly repeated, "Why does life feel like this?" over and over. Not even "why do I feel like this?" or "why is life like this?" Why does it FEEL? LIKE? THIS? When will it stop? Or more practically, when am I going to accept it? I have to heave my sadsack body through space and time, PUSHING IT AGAINST THE GROUND AND THROUGH THE AIR, insisting upon my own existence even though I don't even fucking want to exist. Isn't that just a hell of thing? Life goes on until it decides not to, or until you make it stop. I ask you, how is that fair?! It should be a fucking opt in system, not an opt out. Ughhhhhkl;wejrkl;jasdf;klhlkasdf

I would like to conclude this post by saying I wrote this all in a crowded Starbucks, EVEN THOUGH I'm sitting right next to counter and my screen is not facing the wall.
kerpingtack: i'm a poseur about this i've only seen the cartoon twice (hepcat)
NOTHING IN THE WORLD GETS THE OL' "POST AN ENTRY" PAGE FIRED UP LIKE PROCRASTINATION

MY PROBLEM IS:
- I have a weird, lumpy head
- I don't photograph well!!!!
- Not like I am such a spring chicken in person, either, but in pictures I always look like I was sausaged into my body two minutes before the picture is taken and I don't know how to hold myself or move my face like a human being.
- I'M ALWAYS TIRED
- AND I NEVER WANT TO DO ANY WORK
- BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING
- EXCEPT CATS AND LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY
- AND I'M GONNA BE 27 SOON, which is a minimum of 7 years too old for how bad at life I am
- Lack of ambition, lack of conviction, lack of courage = cowardly stagnation
- Why do I keep eating meat? Why can't I make principled decisions?
- I keep picking at my legs and they're pocked with scratches now :c
- I sneeze a lot

Well. On the flipside, ideal compliments 4 me (rehashed from twittar):
- Cats are really comfortable around you!
- The effort you put into your appearance is adequate. (a la Jack Donaghy: Your hair is.... fine.)
- You make excellent emoticon choices.
- The things that you like are all charming and speak well of you; the things you dislike are all legitimately terrible and deserve every bit of your enmity.
- You are really good at petting cats!
- You have great taste in sunglasses/lipstick/earrings.
- Your handwriting should be a font!!
- You take good, comprehensive notes.
- EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING IS OKAY. YOU'RE STRUGGLING BECAUSE YOU HAVE SO MUCH AHEAD OF YOU, IT'S LIKE A CAKE THAT'S SO GIANT YOU CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THAT IT'S A CAKE. DON'T BE SILLY GIRL, YOU'RE A MIRACLE.

aksdjfajsfd;laskjdf;kqjer;kljqerk;ljq;kwelfj;kljdf;laskjdfljweroiqerkljsfd;kljasdfk;ljasfkjsk;dlj noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo it's already eleven and I haven't made any progress on my two NON-OPTIONAL goals for the night. TT_________________________TT WHY DO I NEVER LEARN? WHY ARE ALL MY ACTIONS PREDICATED ON WHETHER I WANT TO DO THEM? I NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

be nimble

Jul. 2nd, 2015 11:26 am
kerpingtack: olive: the only part of the show i liked (hard to say harder to feel)
OLD UNFINISHED ENTRY

stepping out alive
2015-03-30 01:34 am

A TERRIBLE BACK-AND-FORTH: "I don't want to post because other people will read it and think I am stupid... so I should just write for myself and not worry about what anyone's gonna think... BUT WHAT IS THE POINT OF WRITING IF NO ONE'S GONNA READ IT? I can talk to myself all day in my own damn head like normal. Writing it down isn't doing me any favors, it doesn't matter if I remember it or not. So I can only post if it's something REALLY GOOD so I don't have to worry about being discovered as dumb."

I've had this dilemma pinwheeling in my head almost every time I opened the lj/dw page for like the past two years. So sad. But this morning, I realized that I could have circumvented cycles upon cycles by remembering the most compelling argument: FUCK IT, WHATEVER. Can't believe I forgot that! FUCK IT, WHATEVER. Rhetorical dreadnought!

I used to kinda feel like I was getting away with something, like there was a cosmic axe hanging over my head waiting for the time when my failings would catch up to me and I would get the life that I deserved. Writing it out really emphasizes how dramatic and nonsensical it was, lol. I don't know why I felt like this. It just seemed like I SHOULDN'T be allowed to keep being the way I was. It was definite privilege that even let me survive (having money and a loving family).

I guess it was a neurotic obsession with balance in general, just the idea that things could be evened out on ledgers. Like, "I'm bad at this and this, so I must be equally good at that or that... right??" But of course I couldn't find anything that I could comfortably proclaim proficiency at lol, so it felt like I was just in CONSTANT deficit.

I still enjoy the idea but it's not as fixed in my head as it used to be. I have more acceptance of the fundamental inequity of the universe. So I could very well just always have a life better than I deserve, no matter what I do or don't do. But I also have more acceptance of the fact that things, especially people, just can't be compared sometimes. Like we're not all in the same units. We are all apples and oranges to one another. I think you need to be around people to learn this. You have to put yourself in context with ~HUMANITY~, and to think of the context as like a garden or a beach or something, not a hierarchy. So you find yourself in a clutch of flowers, or a palmful of sand, and you see that you're smaller or different-shape-ier than some of the other grains (OR WHATEVER IT IS), but you're still a flower like they are and you're still there. And that's better than trying to locate yourself in a scale, "I'm better than person A but worse than person B; if I fall below this line, then I'm at the bottom and I want to cross myself off the fucking list."

Like TWO MONTHS AGO, there was a week where there was a ton of fog every morning. I was driving to work and I saw one of the parking lots downtown, and it looked so strange and unfamiliar, I didn't know what the hell it was. The lights irregular and floating without perspective in the haze. It was some Midgar-ian shit.


CURRENT UNFINISHED ENTRY

Goddamn, I am so fucking sleepy. I would even nap in the car, which is akin to deciding to bake myself in an oven in a blanket of foil, except the car isn't even here! I'm white-knuckling it. The weather has been unbearably hot - like 90deg by 10am and even at 10pm - so it's made sleeping really difficult. 

Last night there was lightning without a hint of rain. It scared the bejeezus out of me when I stepped out to make a late bank run. I was so uneasy about it that I made my sister come with me, lol. It was cracking the sky from all directions. I think It lasted for at least two hours. At about 1am, there was some desultory rain that barely left an impression. It just made the air feel steamy and smell like wet newspaper. It was considerably cooler outside while the lightning was lightning-ing, and I guess it cooled the overall temperature down, though it's still really hot today. 

The world is so amazing. Giant flashes of light! Splitting the sky open! Booms of sound rolling across the air! Where does it come from? Where does it go? Cotton-eyed Joe!? How lost we'd be without even our small debris of Science. Like, no wonder people had to invent gods and suchlike. Seeing the lightning in a clear, dead, hot sky, devoid of rain and clouds to obstruct the view - it made it feel like something was on the other side of the sky, and there wasn't even an other side of the sky until then. How can you live with these huge things happening without at least trying to lay claim to it? Leash it with a fucking narrative damnit. 

I really wish there was a place to sleep publicly omfg. I want to lie downnn.

drains

Nov. 15th, 2010 11:18 am
kerpingtack: badly cropped deers drawn by a korean artist (nearly spring)
LOL OKAY I'M FINISHING THIS

MY SPIRITUAL PROBLEM WITH KPOP WOULD BE THE SAME PROBLEM I WOULD HAVE WITH ANY KIND OF SUPER-MAINSTREAM MEDIA AND THE KIND OF MENTALITY THAT ATTRACTS IN THE FANDOM

THUS: FUCK YOU CAPITALISM AND FUCK YOU CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Now there will be nothing but shallow capslock fangirling.

- I fucking hate regression.
- LOOL idk what's going on, but I hope that tumblr's day of reckoning has come even though the fuckyeah fan tumblrs are useful as hell. No one credits anything over there. Go balls out, 4chan.
- I've been listening to a lot of Kelly Clarkson lately and christ, the warmth and personality in her voice is seriously amazing. I really love her. Pop music at its best.
- On the other hand, good god, Jonghyun, why are you listening to Justin Beiber???
- AND DON'T BE A HIPSTER
- AND KEEP LOOKING LIKE THIS *_______________*

lol even with this relentless kpop spam, I really have been holding myself back. This shit would look like a fucking twitter if I posted everything I wanted. Anyway, brb cobbling together another huge megapost about why I am in love with Jonghyun.

- omg "kpop talented." This phrase is so unfortunately useful.
- GOD I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. *downloads Super Junior song* Well, it was already over once I heard Rokkugo.
- I really love Hoot. SNSD seem to like this concept too. It's so fun and playful and sly! Too bad about Tiffany and Sunny's hair though, and Taeyeon's wig. WHO THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. Man I cannot get over how fucking gorgeous Sooyoung looks right now. Her hair is so pretty and she looks a mile long during the performances omg. I hope they promote her hardcore now. I mean, she's consistently at the bottom of the SNSD popularity rankings, which blows my mind. Have they never seen her on variety shows or heard her on the radio?? SHE IS THE BEST.

oh jesus, SM's put an official hold on Jonghyun. I don't bleev the conspiracy theories, though I do get myself all worked up over them just for recreation I guess, but I do think there's something weird going on. SM likes to do this thing where they let someone take a break because of an "injury" and then phase them out of existence. You for real never hear about that person again. ("Injury" is in quotation marks not because they're not actually injured, because they are, but because usually they'd still be back to work unhealthily quickly. Minho tore ligaments in his knee earlier this year and he was dancing within like a month and he didn't get to sit out all of the Lucifer promotions. wtf is SM doing.) DO NOT BE THE NEXT AMBER, JONGHYUN, STAY IN KOREA AND COME BACK TO SHINEE SOON. ;______;

- I have work in stacks today. Christ on earth. Is it logically possible for someone with that blonde/black skunk hair to not be completely disgusting? There's this skinny white hipster with that hair on my shift and she is such a fucking moron. She and this other terrible douchebag were fucking around with the books we were intershelving and the douchebag was "reading" a Vietnamese book and she was like, "LOLOL VIETNAMESE IS UGLY." BITCH, YOU'RE UGLY, SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND KEEP YOUR PRIVILEGED HONKY THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. 
- ... uhh I'm working on cutting down on the gendered insults. And calling people honky.
- Soda has such a strong effect on me. I had a glass of Coke yesterday and my heart felt like it was trying to crawl into my hands. idk if it's the sugar or the caffeine.
- Pet peeve: half-assed passive-aggressiveness on the internet. Somehow it's 1000000000x more viscerally annoying to me than in real life. I didn't care about your comment until you added your stupid *shrug* or "I'm sorry, but..." or whatever, but now I want to punch you in the throat. Goddddd I hate it when people use *shrug*. Number one irrational hate boner.
- As the day got colder yesterday I just put on more and more clothes until I looked like I was ready to hipster jazzercise. Hipstercise? I had shorts over leggings over socks and a cardigan. CARDIGAN. 
kerpingtack: police frog doodle (copper)
I've lived the past two weeks of my life so ineptly. Especially the Fridays. si-i-i-gh

kpop is eating my soul alive. It's not even the fun normal way. I'm just worried all the time. These poor kids, why are they so overworked?? Jonghyun's ankle. ;______; SNSD already promoting again (even though I am hella fucking excited for it). ;_____;

It really is messing with my head. I feel so inherently connected to this. I always resisted liking kpop on principle because I thought that my being Korean should be totally independent of what I like to listen to (also overall, the music is... not good). But when I understand a few lines of a song or I see people capslocking out all these Korean names, something heady and giddy zings through my chest. It's not that I'm supposed to like it; it'd just be nice if I did, because I kind of am the demographic. I'm specifically who this music is for. I never thought that would matter so much, but it does. I can't deny that a lot of the music I listen to is made by white people and that the image of their fans are also mostly white (helloooo bandom, helloooo hipsters), and for the most part, though I'm aware of it, I don't really care. I still don't even really like the majority of kpop music. But the songs I do like, it's like, damn. Hearing Ga-in sing, "Ddo heundeunda, nan heundeunda" and knowing what it means and seeing people typing out these undeniably Korean names and phrases -- hyung, Kyuhyun, Sooyoung, trot, I don't know. It's like when I was little and I heard people acknowledging anything Korean and I'd get excited for like four seconds before thinking "that doesn't have anything to do with me," except it's much longer than four seconds and it really does matter to me now.

And that's just, like, language-related shit. I worry soooo much about everyone in kpop. It is completely irrelevant whether I like them or not, I'm still worried. Are they okay? Are they getting enough rest? They're not suicidal or abused are they?? (Unfortunately these questions are not as off-the-mark paranoid as they should be. ;___;). I'm SO invested. I DON'T KNOW. KPOP: VISCERALLY IMPORTANT TO MY IDENTITY.   

Semi-related: I haaaaaaaaaaaate the way Korean looks romanized. It's always bothered me, ever since I was little. It is aesthetically displeasing!!

More Asian identity issue talk: There is exactly one picture of myself where I do not hate my body. I like the picture because it makes my body look normal through angling and obsfucation. But ~what is normal~? I read an article, maybe it was omonatheydidnt, about how a lot of the Korean obsession with beauty and the physical is preoccupied with overcoming "Asian" physical traits (prime example: double-eyelid surgery). Advice for women especially concentrate on "correcting" the "disordered Asian body" (long torso to short legs ratio, lack of the all-important S-line, etc). That's not the only thing going on with me and my 'o hay my body looks like a normal person's body' but it's probably a part of it. And I like the phrase, "disordered Asian body," it resonates with me for whatever reason.

Hating the way I look makes me feel like a douchebag, but like many dbaggy things, it does not deter me in any way. Why do I HATE it? What am I expecting? Is it that I think I should be, like, stunningly beautiful? Or is it an extension of how much I hate myself, instead of it being a reason for the self-hatred? It's better now than it was before though. The other day I was remembering how I seriously could not even look at myself in the mirror when I was younger. I would avoid it at all possible costs. It was strange to suddenly think of it. Changes like that make me feel like I'm a different person, because otherwise I feel very in-tune with my younger states of existence. Growth! Who would've thought. 

My birfday's coming up soon and I am detached. Mostly I just want an excuse to get dressed up and drink a little. I love dressing up. It's embarrassing! If I were a different person I'd just over-dress for everything and not give a fuck. But I am awkward and scared, I over-dress and feel ashamed or whatever.

I read another piece on ableist language. Though I've stopped using "retarded" and "lame," I feel conflicted over phasing out "crazy" and "insane," and all other derivatives, from my vocabulary. They have practically no connection to physical/mental conditions in my mind and though I use those words a lot, I don't use them to mean derogatory things. I use them in the, like, ridiculous/mind-blowing/incredible context. Sometimes as a way to convey chaotic/unhinged/irrational which... yes, that's more problematic. How would you express, like, "I feel like I'm going crazy" in a non-ableist way? What about the more hyped up and comedic phrases, like nutbag and whackjob? I feel like the ableism of the word "crazy" is kind of ambiguous? I selfishly do not want to stop using those words, because they're funny and easy and I don't mean them to be harmful. But I know that the casual use of words like "crazy" does hurt people, and whether or not I think they're offensive is beside the point. That should be respected. I will try to stop using them, but it will probably take me a long time.

I don't think I can get 5 million NP total or 1000 NP in interest on neopets by the end of the year. Never let it be said that I don't have goals.

You guys, I'm seriously thinking about kpop and Korea and society and the universe WAY TOO MUCH. Why can't I just be thinking about how fucking fantastic Sunny looks in her comeback picture? Why can't I just enjoy Jonghyun's stupidly charming smile/peace-sign flash in Hello?? Why do I have to turn these things into "THEY WILL ALL PROBABLY BE HOSPITALIZED FOR EXHAUSTION AND SNSD WILL END IN THREE YEARS SINCE THAT IS THE SHELF LIFE FOR KPOP GROUPS AND NO ONE WILL HAVE A USE FOR THEM ONCE THEY'RE OLDER EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE AMAZING AND PERFECT ;___;" and "JONGHYUN'S GQ INTERVIEW MADE HIM SOUND TRAPPED AND STIFLED IN HIS LIFE AND HE IS PROBABLY SUFFERING AND ONLY PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY ;_____;" GOD, why does Korea have to be SO FUCKED UP? I mean, that's true of every country, but not every country has SNSD and Jonghyun (these are basically my favorite people in the universe right now) SOOOOO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, ENTIRE COUNTRY, YOU HAVE POP STARS TO TAKE CARE OF.

yeah I'm going to sleep

timber cats

Oct. 6th, 2010 11:47 pm
kerpingtack: police frog doodle (copper)
To be clear, my soash of mass communications TA is hot too.

I don't understand anything, it's been raining for the past two days even though it was literally 113 degrees on last Monday. Weather forecasts predict it will be back up to 86 on Sunday. What the christ is going on!

I talked to my counselor today. At the end she said that she's glad that I seem to be doing well. Then she told me not to take that the wrong way. LOL she really knows me.  I was thinking about that while I was tromping around in the rain. It is a good feeling to be known. And it's been a while since I've felt that someone outside my established social circle understood me, even fleetingly.

I do not know where my social security card is and I need it to regain my honor, my pride, my crappy library job that's still available because no one wants to work in my department.

I love this idea. The people quoted sound like assholes. What the fuck's got their dander up? "'This kind of thing is bad for literature, bad for Fitzgerald, bad for 'The Great Gatsby' and bad for students who get exposed to this kind of guessing game.'" UGH SHUT THE FUCK UP. This theory makes me want to re-read the book, which is amazing. It's resonating with me! Maybe because I never knew how to answer one of my high school discussion questions about the three(?) black guys Nick and Gatsby see on the train(??), and even when I was fifteen I was uncomfortable with how the discussion of the ~American Dream~ was so detached from race.

I think my cousin is ~straying from his girlfriend, if only emotionally. It's tough, they're in a long-distance relationship (she's in Korea) and he's kind of stressed in his graduate program, but still. I didn't think he was the type to ever cheat. Are all men dogs like that one loud guy on the bus who was on his way to cataract surgery said?!?! This is a moot point, but if a guy ever cheated on me, I would castrate him between two bricks and send him on his way. GAME OVER.

things to watch/catch up with later
Southland
Skins
Friday Night Lights
Gossip Girl
Leverage
The O.C.
Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi
bunch of kdramas: My Girlfriend is a Gumiho (Lee Seung-gi!! Shin Min-ah!!! omg <3___<3); Dr. Champ; uhh others
Fringe??
Sherlock Holmes (BBC)?
kerpingtack: badly cropped deers drawn by a korean artist (nearly spring)
My five days of torture turned out to be unnecessarily grim, as everyone had guessed, because I passed! the! class! YES! The professor was concerned about plagiarism, but not the accidental kind, and after she determined from my sea of babbling that I knew the subject matter enough to have written the paper, she told me that I was in the clear and would receive a B- for the class. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

So many people were concerned about me and checked up on me throughout the day, including my therapist/counselor who asked if she could call me after the meeting to see how I was, which was really really really nice of her. I called my mom who was happy for me, and my bost frond who was happy for me too, and so were my sister and my cousin and my therapist. I came back to the cool and empty apartment, hungry and happy and sleepy for the first time in days, and I ate a marathon of food while reading a good book. I felt safe and loved in the family of things.* I still do. It is a good feeling.

Urgh I wish I could delete my extra Skype names. I hate having extraneous accounts.

For what it's worth, I am really happy at the moment, but it feels a little shaky and delirious, like in just a couple of paces I'll be sad again. 

MY FAVORITE GAME TO PLAY is WHAT WOULD I MOST LIKE TO EAT RIGHT NOW?!?!? It is inherently depressing but good for organizing the soul. I would most like to eat tri-tip with warm soft French bread, potato salad, chicken salad with walnuts, apples, and bleu cheese dressing, and fruit punch. God that sounds good. I WANT TO HAS EATS NOW.

Inception has suuuch good fic, om nom nom. Still haven't seen it yet! And it makes me anxious to see everyone falling in love with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I don't know why this unsettles me! Maybe it feels like I should be falling in love with him too. But I don't want to be all capsy and stuff, I just want to appreciate his fine acting (FOR REAL) and what an ultimate fantasy boyfrond he is. He'd be such a cool person to know. I like his dimples. Fine, maybe I'm already a little in love. Tra la la~

It was really hot today and it will only get hotter. Monday's high will be 99. WHAT THE FUCK.

*NOW THAT I AM TERRIFIED OF  NOT CITING THINGS: this is from Wild Geese by Mary Oliver, on which I imprinted something fierce when I was sixteen.

00

Jan. 21st, 2010 03:38 am
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
01
It has been raining heavily all week, which I enjoy whilst sleeping inside and curse whilst driving on the freeway. The highest setting on the windshield wipers freak me out.

02
Ross's Now Hiring sign is no longer at their window yet I still do not have a job. FUCK YOU ROSS

03
NOT REALLY PLS HIRE ME

04
In high school I had a brief Jude Law phase. Actually it was that one year where he was in half the movies ever made and then he was in that scandal with Sienna 'Why Am I Famous' Miller and then he didn't do anything for a while and then his hairline receded hardcore and I went "oic" and vaguely mourned my Jude Law summer. I always thought, even from the beginning, that he was kind of a weird-looking guy who was concurrently so good-looking it was ridiculous. It's too bad that his personal life is... whatever it is, because he's honestly such a good actor and whenever I think of him now, I'm like... 'why the fuck was Sienna Miller famous.'  What I'm trying to say is, I REALLY WANT TO WATCH SHERLOCK HOLMES FOR NO REASON. Not even in commemoration of Jude Law's returning hairline. It is almost exactly like that month where I uneasily had to admit to myself, over and over again, that I had a strong and inexplicable desire to watch Rocky Balboa, in theaters, as soon as possible. (PS, I didn't appreciate this in high school, but: 'Jude Law' is a very cool name.)

05
The po-lice are pissing me off lately. Not anything they did to me personally, just the concept of them. Or, I don't have a problem with the concept of the po-lice, in the Plato's theory of forms way. The concept of the police is great and I think most everyone is grateful that 911 exists, that idea, the holdover from childhood and movies, that good people will come and protect you. But this is an imperfect world, with imperfect people, and you can't expect something to be pure when it's built from something fucked up. The police is meant to serve society, protect society, and it's a part of society, and society is FUCKED UP. So you have racist, sexist, stupid dickbags on a state-sanctioned power trip feeling martyred and ~misunderstood because civilians just don't understand. And good people, too, the holdovers and such, like from the Plato's theory of forms: the ideal of the person. But mostly dickbags. On a case by case basis, I'm sure lots of folk seem like good people. Like, "oh you're nice! I'm sure you wouldn't pull a guy over on a fucking bicycle and treat him like shit just because he's black and you're bored" but you know what, they probably would. Ha! ha! ha! I don't know what this paragraph is about. Unfocused bitter at the System I suppose.

06
Ugh I could totally get paid for being a dickbag. I need a job.

07
JJB's entire school was half-flooded, but it had stopped raining by second recess so the kids were running around the playground in full force, examining the huge puddles and sloshing through the muddy field. A bunch of them were tossing crap from the trees into "the Second Ocean" (according to JJB) and some were trying to skip rocks. One of those kids who never seem to feel the cold (you know, they go to school in just a t-shirt while the majority has on windbreakers) was standing on the blacktop with his arms out from his sides. The wind was rippling his clothes like a flag. His two friends came over and buzzed around for a while and he raised himself slowly onto his toes, back down, and then they all ran off to play handball or something. I really like stuff like that, even if I saw it in a creepery way (sitting in the car watching them through the fence like it was a drive-in theater or a zoo or something. kids are not a spectator sport, self!). I'm too much of a Holden Caulfield for sure.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
THAT IS ALL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "IS THAT ALL?" WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED

NASH
VILLE
CATS
~~~
!!!!!!!
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
My Beatles picture folder is at 900+ pictures. How did this happen? Actually, I shan't be coy; I know how it happened. PAUL MCCARTNEY'S STUPID FACE. Who goes around just looking like that??? RIDICULOUS. *right click save right click save right click save*

Ceci n'est pas une picspam.

get it, because they liked magritte!! )

This was like a silent movie by my standards. Please note how this did NOT degenerate into 500000 pictures of Paul, even though I literally have 30x more pictures of him than anyone else (George, 14 pictures; John, 15 pictures; Ringo, 27 pictures; Paul, 455 pictures. o___o)
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I woke up at the appropriate time this morning but it was so cold and I, so tired, that I just went back to sleep. I woke up again in time to go to class, although I would've been about 20 min late, but I decided: NO! Which is smart, b/c the midterm is next week. Now I'm typing this instead of heading over to my next class for which it is hard to get a good seat unless you come in early. Mm.

I love P.McC. Silly Love Songs is such a big hilarious "fuck you." He's just like "so my music is meaningless and sentimental? well I'm going to write a song where I just sing 'I looooooooove youuuuuuuuuuu' for half of it. AND IT'LL GO NUMBER 1. SUCK IT." I don't even think it's musically a good song, which makes it all the more gr8 and hilarious. Pawwwwwwl!

Right now I'm definitely going to be late for class. It's Wednesday. I have work with Library Guy. Why can't he be just a library guy? For god's sake!!!

edit: My soash theory professor is like my favorite person at UCLA. He is fucking wonderful.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I've had a pretty bad day UNTIL the walk hoam!!!!!!!! First, this really pretty British girl stopped me to ask for directions, which of course I couldn't give, BUT!!!! I was still SOMEWHAT USEFUL, which NEVER HAPPENS!!! EVER!!!!! Because, and I don't know HOW I remembered this, much less voiced it normally since my brain completely goes blank whenever anyone talks to me, I said that she could check the computers in Ackerman if she wanted. YEAH!!! THAT WAS USEFUL!!!

THEN!!!!!! While I was going up the hill this hippie guy asked me if Powell library was still open, and again, I didn't know, but Hippie Guy was A-OKAY with that!!!! He said I was FRIENDLY (ME!!!!!! FRIENDLY!!!!!!) and he held up his hand for A FIST BUMP!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A FIST BUMP!!!!! And then he thanked me and went on his hippie guy way!!!!!!!

ALL OF THIS IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL FOR ME, I NEVER HAVE NON-FAILURE SOCIAL INTERACTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
Ahahh I like the way today's LJ Writer's Block question was written:

Oscar Wilde
, a dandy’s dandy, once said that “we live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.” What unnecessary possession can you not live without?

A dandy's dandy! That is both straight-up and downright delightful. An unnecessary possession I cannot live without is a necessary possession, my dear frond. *obtuse* 

I'm so tired. I'm tired of my dreams too, they're all so weird and long and exhausting or they just make me sad. Do not want, subconscious, please leave me alone.

I think the perfect song for the disco (by disco I mean bden in any capacity) to cover is BEN FOLDS FIVE'S PHILOSOPHY. Hell to the fuck yes. Oh my god, it would be so perfect the universe would have to do something quite full of dread to balance it out, like destroy a fambly of rainbows, or continue to be the way it normally is. The piano! The crazy breakdown near the end! "Go ahead, you can laugh all you want -- but I got my philosophy~" Oh man.

In an effort to stop spamming the holy cats out of you guys (your holy cats are very important to keep) I'm truncating three four five posts into one. Pls be impressed by my use of the word "trunc8."

now we come to drag days
Today at 5:32pm

It is fucking freezing in the library. I hate doing Voyager when it's this cold, my hands get frostbite and fall off into oblivion. Now I'm waiting to do email and then I'll be done wif work and I can clock out and walk the tedious walk back, oh happy day! oh joy of joys! I have a cut on the heel of one foot and a fucked-up toe on the other. :[

Guided By Voices is fucking amazing. Bee Thousand is supposed to be their magnum opus, and justifiably so, but I really really really love Under the Bushes, Under the Stars.

I'm so tireddd. The blood in my eyes are shot! I want to turn the world sideways so I can rappel down campus instead of all that tiresome walking. Goddamn it's cold here.

Tock to me of some things, fronds.



Even now when I see "Biden" for a split second I read it as bdennnnnnnnnnn. Biiiiiiidennnnnnnn.

I'm feeling so jittery right now. I feel like I'm about to jitter out of my skin. !!

I lost my UCLA ID card on Tuesday and I only noticed today. I liked my ID picture. I'm kinda bummed.

Shiina Ringo sings the living fuck out of the Heisai Fuzoku version of Gamble. It's pretty gottamn amazing.

For seriously -- in fact, for all the seriouslies in the world, Guided By Voices is incredible.

OMG DWIGHT HAVING A BABY/BUTTERED WATERMELON. I CAN NEVER UNSEE THAT.


I'm watching the Saturday Night Live special thing? I'm not sure what it is, it just came on after the office and hay whatever. So far it's not that bad! Either SNL is improving suddenly or I'm getting used to it. The Weekend Update is pretty fun. They're all stumbling over words and whatever, you can tell that they're feeling punchy. (Oh my god I just looked "punchy" up and it totally doesn't mean what I thought it meant!! D:) Republicans are always easy targets but even still I like how balls out SNL is for Obama. Am I reading the situation right when I say it feels like there is a palpable white-knuckled desperation emerging now? I kinda felt that way walking around campus with all the signs and tables and things. I saw a girl holding a huge picket sign from far away and I was all ugh it's going to be one of those 'REPENT! THE END IS NIGH' people and it turned out it was telling all the losers who weren't registered to git registered. (How do I know if I'm registered guise?? ;__; I think I fucked up my form. *so incompetent, should not be allowed outside*) What to do if McCain wins omg. There's only 19 days left!

It turns out, the more one realizes that one has really no idea how to make food for oneself, the more primal one becomes while watching the Food Network. I'm watching Ace of Cakes and I'm SO HUNGRY. I want to attack everyone and suck out their brains or whatever part of them is made of knowledge of deliciosity and live there and bake myself into a cake and eat my way out and do that every day of my natural life. Okay I don't really want to attack anyone since I sincerely love everyone, so so hard. That is seriously the best job in the world, along with working at Pixar and probably something else. Maybe. But everything else is true. OMG Ace of Cakes DVD. OMG they're looking at real estate in Los Angeles. OMGGGGG. But I don't get it? Are they thinking about moving? I thought they lurved Baltimore? Why are they thinking about uprooting everything to come live in fucking Los Angeles?? Don't do it Duff, it's not good times.

I just want to tell you that a couple of days ago I went to sleep at about 11 (because I had to get up way early the next morning), empty room, and at about 12:30 I was woken up by... what? What do you think it was? It was roomie, frying up a shitstorm. Who the fuck fries 50 lbs of firecrackers or whatever she was frying at 12:30 at night?? It was so loud. She's dumb as hell, that roomie. Also keeps turning on lights near my head. Ugh.

This Resolve commercial is so blatantly skeevy. Hella breeding discontentment.



I'm still so tired but I'm not sleeping! Mostly because I'm obsessed with organizing my music. I know how to prioritize.

I just made myself LOL imagining the disco covering Friday Bridge's Love and Nostalgia (read: imagining bden singing anything Ms. Friday Bridge has sung). Then I made myself sick with hunger imagining B&S covering it. That is not saying so very much; I want B&S to cover every song in the world because I think EVERYTHING is more interesting when Stuart's singing it. Stuuuuuuuuarrrrrt. *___*

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