don't be

Jan. 31st, 2016 06:09 pm
kerpingtack: olive: the only part of the show i liked (hard to say harder to feel)
A wave of sadness!!

I want to be a piggy bank or something and be picked up by a child and smashed on a rock over and over again until I break open. It sounds super violent when I write it out, and I guess it's not... un-violent. But... actually I don't know why I want this so much, or at least why this image ~resonates so much with me. I want to be treated artlessly but sincerely. I want to be believed in with a single-minded focus, believed that there is something great and interesting inside me, and I want that to be wanted. And I somewhat want my main purpose to be broken open? Like, I don't want to be pried open. I don't want to be eased into it. I just want it bang! bang! bang! Something blunt and careless. A struggle that doesn't implicate me, that doesn't depend on me being manipulated.

Well, I also want to be baked into a loaf of bread and be paid to eat my way out of it.

This line of poetry keeps rattling around in my noggin: "All my life I had been making the same mistake -" and I stop it there, because the point of remembering this line is to FEEL SAD, not to USE IT. The second part is "the dust was on my face, and I kept cleaning the mirror." Oh, I had to look up the poem for that line, and I was misremembering the first part too lol ("the whole life I kept committing the same mistake"). I guess it doesn't matter that much since it's a translation from Urdu (?). Wow what a useless paragraph.

The fact that I'm not happy with anything I've knitted this year is really disheartening. I am a true blue amateur, so I wasn't expecting legit high quality work. But everything has just been, like... too big or lopsided or looking sloppy. I don't know what I was expecting. That my ~good taste would somehow overcome any skill level or lack of preparation? Maybe. I also just really wanted to not be wasteful, in that I wanted to make things that I actually wanted to wear. I've done and redone a lot of projects and I'm still not happy.

I GUESS MY MAIN PROBLEM (out of the dozen Main Problems I have) is that I always feel that I will never be able to love the things I love or people I love good enough. I'm always lacking something. There's not enough substance or words or energy.

I'm really dizzy right now, even though I ate and drank water and juice and stuff. Godfuckingdamnit. Can't anything just be done? Why am I not an input/output machine???

Whee-ooo, one fundamental fear: every new thing I do is another opportunity to fail to be happy.

All my life I had been making the same mistake!!!


Jul. 29th, 2015 02:51 am
kerpingtack: kinomoto sakura: qt windblown aviator (it's fun~?)
The hypocrisy and contradictions in my life are really starting to kill me. How can I cry distressed tears over a headline about a lion's death, and continue to consume meat regularly? Because CAPITALISM and alienation, because anxiety, because money, because convenience and complacency. How can I this and that, when that and this? How do I make my actions match my beliefs? Just DO IT. But the fear of it changing me, taking me farther away from the person I dislike but know is safe and protected in their nullity - always THE FEAR. And the responsibilities that will come with Speaking and Doing. God.

I cannot in good conscience become a social worker without figuring this out. There is a responsibility in privilege. You do damage by denying the power you have. I can't just opt out of it forever.

Blech, I keep feeling like I am smelling or tasting that kiss. It's really bumming me out. It feels like I proved something about myself, showing a mulchy jaundiced underbelly. Like: I'll LEGIT tip over and scramble DISGRACEFULLY just to feel safe, to stay in the comforting shade of Being Liked. Now I'm being haunted by that desperate, jarring sensation. BLEURGH.

I'm so sad about lions and elephants and parrots and cats. Suffering isn't a lump sum. It seems worse than infinite. There's always more to hear about. Worse things than I could have imagined. It's always so painful.

WHAT A CHEERFUL ENTRY. Crying at 3am and updating livejournal. It's like it's 2007 again!
kerpingtack: cute drawing of japanese candy: pink blue white (bauble crie)
I'm so exhausted and that's my excuse!

Everything hurts because everything is hurtful. I'm reading this fic series and I honestly hate Steve in it so much. I was thinking about what about that is so thrilling, to hate a character in a fic instead of hating the characterization or the fic itself. But I stopped suddenly because I didn't want to think about this Steve at all anymore. I don't want to hear about people with the best intentions doing all the wrong things, assuming, only able to press their vision of the world flat against everyone else, and so understandable, so human. It's hard. And my pain is so mundane, it's finally become boring even to me. It's not evidence of anything. It vouches for neither my character or my incompetency. I just want to stop feeling it.

The foster kitten is crying, crying, crying in the room. Her voice is so squeaky. It's not from pain, she just wants to be let out. All the things we can't do for her although we want to. It's not for her own good. It's just trying to balance all the different things going on, so many different needs, picking the scenario with the least drawbacks. There is so little you can do for anything.


Aug. 30th, 2013 04:11 pm
kerpingtack: jonghyun juliette rajvithi home for girls in thailand (SHOUJO ANIME)
The trick is to do painful things in safe spaces. I talked about Chorong today like he was definitively gone. Although I have a stack of flyers I just printed out yesterday lol. I might put them up, even though, obviously, what is the use? It will only hurt. I will change my facebook picture soon. Trivial things. I think I've received enough signs that there is no use. There's a lot more I could have done but I did a reasonable amount - though of course I wish I did more, I wish I found him.

This was really hard for me. I was made very tremulous and fragile with my hope and misery. I don't think I'll love another thing like I loved Chorong. It was a cautionary tale. It was too much. Maybe when I'm stronger, when I've learned to lean more on myself instead of trying to split my soul to another body, I can do it. 

Though the temperature is ignoring it, summer is ending soon. It wasn't a vacation! I can't bear thinking that it happened for a reason. But it happened all the same. 

Suddenly I feel extremely shitty right now. I just want to be dead, I hate everything about myself, I hate working here, but I'm too scared to do anything else. I hate everything I feel. I'm so frustrated with feeling like I don't understand anything, and like I'm not trying hard enough. Crying all over the place this summer. In full public at my desk? SURE WHY NOT. 
kerpingtack: debbie harry black and white (could show you my affection)
long time no post! and of course it's a moody depressive thing

decided that i am legit going to get out of fandom once i find a job, and the way to do that effectively is to go cold turkey, no internet. or maybe no twitter and unfollow all fandom-related tumblrs and get back to blooging my boring depressive life on LJ. 

fandom in general is escapism for me, but I've needed escapism from the shittiness of this fandom for, like, a year now. and as small as my fandom world is at the moment, it's still not small enough. ํœดใ……ํœด

looking for a job is hard, because of the market itself and because of me. i don't know what i want to do, and i don't know what i'm looking for, and i don't have confidence in myself, so i'm pretty lost. i've been better, mood-wise, this year i think but i still feel bad about myself all the time, just in a low level hum throughout each day, or probably more accurately, as a pattern of thoughts into which i fall back out of habit. i feel guilty that my cat has been sick even though i know it's nothing anyone can be faulted for, i feel guilty that i couldn't make him completely better, feel guilty for using money that's not mine, feel guilty for not discussing it up front because i don't want the argument. feel bad that i don't have a job. feel bad that i haven't been looking, because the process of looking makes me feel bad lol. feel lonely and disconnected, too easily angered. not a good caretaker for my brother. not a good writer thus i don't want to try. it's just a whole net of things, it makes me so tired. i make myself tired.
kerpingtack: little nemo in slumberland panel: toy animals escaping ark (iron cage!!)
LOL I have 498 SHINee fics bookmarked. What on earth! It really only takes one thing for me to save a link. I have to organize them somehow. At the moment when I try to look for a fic I just type in likely keywords and hope my brain is wired the same way as when I first bookmarked it.

My finals are done but I still have papers to write. Dear lord will these trials and tribulations never end??

I swear I'm gonna kill something if they put Jonghyun in another vest. He looks so stupid in these Japan photoshoots. Stupid with occasional moments of COMPLETE FRESH-FACED PERFECTION. Ugh they're all being sooo idiotically cute in these shoots. So many piles!! Piles of boys!! Piles of cute!!

Do they get to dress themselves on Immortal Song 2? Does that mean that glittery tank top Jonghyun wore for his showcase was his? Oh god he is seriously the gift that keeps on giving.

LOL giant 50+ chapter vampire AU series and I'm just going through each part Ctrl+F'ing "jonghyun." I don't have time for vampires okay, I just want to read about him being snarky and/or crying or whatever he's doing in every ten chapters of this thing. From what I can tell though, Jonghyun is too fucking good for anyone else in this story. This is really not that biased of an opinion! Usually he is an intolerable asshole in these sorts of things but here he is literally the best of them all. Onew is such a dick to him in this lol >>:(((( Also my god what is it about Jessica, people will drag her into their fics ALL THE TIME. It's alright here but usually it's terrible and stupid.

I don't think I'm particularly pretentious. I'm sentimental though.

You guys I love Jongho sooo muuuuchhhhh I will legit read anything for them. It's so bad.

I have been trying to quash an immutable tide of panic for the past like three weeks. I am letting go of my GPA; it's already fucked. I just have to pass these classes. I JUST HAVE TO PASS THESE CLASSES. ;~~~; Ugh why am I so fucking stupid. My life is cratered with failures upon failures and I seriously can't do anything right. Oh well. I JUST HAVE TO PASS.

[giant sad bastard paragraph excised]

Ugh lol goddamn my lj has legit been split 50/50 between SHINee spazzing and sad bastard feelings. The two sided coin of my life these days. I mean, I say all this stuff on my own behalf and for my own benefit. But what does it really do? What does anything do. I wish I had more to talk about. I make my life such shit for myself.

I really do feel like there's a lot of love to be had in the world, and love is a choice that people must continually make.* I think that's why I'm so mystified by all the hate and negative energy in fandom and why I react so strongly against it. It just seems like such a contrived, deliberate choice to be hateful and condescending. Maybe also because fandom is supposed to be pure escapism for me. Real life is already terrible, and unavoidably so. Why do people have to invent more reasons to be angry and shitty when they don't have to beeeee. But lol at the same time I know that I choose to become butthurt and offended and worked up over shitty comments instead of ignoring them and getting on with my life. idk why it's so much easier to legitimate negative thoughts/feelings when love is the more difficult choice, and hate is harder to live with.
*placeholder reference: I know it's from [ profile] ranalore but I don't remember the post. ahhh my creeper anime days were so profitable
edit @ 6:44 am this post! I think it can apply in the general. like specific applications of love can't be chosen (you can't force yourself to like shit you just don't like) but I think love in the abstract is a choice, to say whether you'll be receptive and open or not, to pursue and indulge and enjoy or to dismiss or be ashamed or be in name only. insert scrubs quote on couples who make it because they fight for their love in the face of the same problems as the couples who don't make it. feelings are involuntary, actions are not, etc. why the fuck did I make this sound so dry. and fuck grammar omg
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
What a weird clusterfuck of a day. I cried a lot and I had no idea I would when I got up this morning. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I woke up already in a strange mood, I think. I don't know. Like, too many different parts of my brain had to be activated and deactivated in too short a time. Rushing to get ready, blobbing out on the bus, taking notes in section, talking to my TA, going online to blog that last entry, THEN lecture. We watched Waiting for Superman and I legit teared up within the first five minutes. WAT THE FUCK. I was okay for a little while after that but near the end was a goddamn rollercoaster. Take notes, FUCKING CRY, take notes again, CRY. Then the prof said a bunch of stuff and I was brought back down to reality, but really off-center, like worrying about my own finals and papers while my heart was still caught up in the movie.

I had to call my bost frond to try to settle myself down into the proper shape. I felt really thin-skinned and easy to hurt this whole day. Like I didn't wake up prepared enough, I didn't have enough to separate me from the rest of the world and everything was really raw and close to the surface. And today was really busy too; I was constantly doing something from 8 to 7. It was tiring. But not necessarily bad, just overwhelming.

I cried a lot over the phone with my best friend this evening. There's so much I've gained and lost in the past few years. JJB is ten, not so much older or bigger or different from the kids in the video. He's housing a part of me in him. Mellie is too, regardless of where she is. My darling girl. There's nothing I could've done, there's no way I ever could've known. But I wish I could have done so many things over. If I could have somehow let myself know that something is better than nothing. That I could just let myself be who I was without enacting punishments against myself for whatever I did "wrong." And if I could have saved Mellie's life somehow. It happened so close to me. If I had only gone out to the garage. Why didn't I know. How could I not have known? How could I have known?

Life is circumferenced by violence in so many ways. Hidden, metaphorical, in threats, openly. idk, just something I've been thinking about. 

These connections I make to people I don't even know. Substituting something through music, or using music as a way to generate emotion when I would be a soulless robot otherwise. idk about this either.

UGH also I listened to the Glee cover of Teenage Dreams seven times today. UGH WHY. It's just about annoying horny teenagers fucking and being dumb, and the music video is that x1000, but it sounds so sweeping and anthemically bittersweet and it's juuust subtle enough that "be your teenage dream tonight" seems like it means more than it does. I don't know why it legit does things to my heart.

insert thoughts about why Katy Perry is still hateful but I don't hate her anymore, whatever

okay this post was interrupted by me crying again. I write this shit out of order but you can probably tell when the break happened. lol why. I'm starting to hate myself again.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I sent my sad little application off to Blockbuster and F.Y.E. I left anything not required blank, including the "Additional Experience/Skills" section. That empty box said a lot about my life oh ho ho. Those personality assessments they make you take are extremely nervoussing for me, mostly because I have to lie a lot. If I were honest my personality profile would be: lazy, unmotivated, incompetent, afraid and resentful of people, cannot talk on the phone, does not initiate work, and guaranteed to be late without calling in at least 25% of the time.  The ONLY part of job applications I am confident about is the part where they ask if you if you've ever been convicted of a crime. OH HO HO, UNICRU OPERATING SYSTEMS, I AM HAPPY TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE NOT!

Ugh I need a job yet................... I don't want to work.................. how can this be?!!? I don't know what to make out of my life, I'm kind of suspended over it, looking for a time and place to land/crash and burn like the Hindenberg meeting a dinosaur and falling on top of an atomic bomb or something. Oh how can I think about shit like this so much. SO BORING. But yeah, no matter what job I end up with, I'm certain that I'll fuck it up.

I always have these long involved concentric circles of bullshit slugging around my head. sighhh

I half-watched this old Disney musical about "Hans Christian Andersen." I do not know where to begin. It was a very American Copenhagen. "Hans Christian Andersen"'s best friend was some 14 yr old farmboy Zefron character. Everyone kept singing. The terrible part was that the movie was ON DVD. Which means someone decided that this movie needed to be preserved in new mediums and kept in the cultural consciousness. I wish my LOLWTF ideas could be that well-funded.

Oh, you know, I was thinking that maybe I sabotage myself just so I can feel like I have some control over the situation. Everything exceeds my grasp, etc, but when I stay up too late or decide not to get up I know that I've kept part of myself, even if it's only to fuck it up. The pace of life is relentless. I'm still so sad about how it's all a day after a day after a day after a day, how it won't end.

On the other hand, I've left a few anonymous comments on the sherlockkink fic meme (lol shut up, I love grouchy bantering and domestic homogay) and that is PROGRESS for me. I'm so chickenshit, the comments aren't even REMOTELY anything to anon about -- they're all I LOVE THIS IT IS LOVELY YOU ARE AMAZING -- but oh! My god! Commenting!! I feel so stupid all the time, I don't know how I'm even alive.

Yeah so I've felt out of sorts and short-tempered and sad lately. I'm going to make myself feel better by enforcing some arbitrary time period on it and say: this January sucks ass. In fact, fuck all Januaries.!! fucknovembers is also ~pertinent, as is fuckjunes and fuckaprils and fuckoctobers. sighhhhh. It's always an investment in hope to carve up time like that. It makes me feel, however faintly, that the mood going to end soon because January doesn't last forever and I'm only having a bad month, this isn't me, at least all the time, it's only! and next month I can try again. 
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (call it freedom in an old age)
I am the mopiest motherfucker at the moment. Not too mopey to avoid accidental alliterations though. *buffs nails against smoking jacket*

stormed at with shot and shell )

Words of wisdom from JJB: "The river was contaminated with amnesia.* If you fall it, you'll catch it."
*pronounced "am-nejsh-ya"
kerpingtack: google image of stained glass (candy floss)
I am boxing myself in. It's like to test myself if I can still breathe or not. Sometimes, sometimes I really feel like I can't live with myself anymore. I don't know how to change though, I'm all dull and crumbling. The reasons I give myself are not strong enough.

Cheer and jocundity, eh? I revived my after almost two years. My profile there severely misrepresents my actual listening habits. For example, it says that Tori Amos is in my top 3 most played artists. WTF? Lord knows what that thing would look like if I had kept ~scrobbling~ all that time. 

I am the most boring person alive.

It's like this, you want to DO something but you're too scared to even start the things that you are actually required to do, things people will see and grade and judge. You secretly pull your punches with every shitty thing you say about yourself. You don't really believe them, not yet, but you know you can. It breaks you whenever someone so much as breathes near one of the thoughts in your head. "Yeah, I thought you would handle it worse." "You need to get your act together and focus." You know these things are true but you had hoped they weren't. So when someone said it out loud to you, you couldn't handle it. You're scared shitless of it happening again.

Replace all the you's with I's of course. Some people are really bugged by second person but I really like it, it sounds pretty natural to me. If only because I am virulently committed to disassociating myself and shirking responsibility whenever possible. In high school I used to default to second person all the time. From then to now I've gained more of an understanding that as much as I want to, I can't just watch myself and call if life, but with the increase in first person, I think it's also racheted up my egocentricism. And it just means that I use the passive voice more. I've picked up all the wrong points, probably.

SIGH! I'm cleaning out my Personal Junk desk drawer. Too many throwaway things written on too many papers.

Mom told me that "maguro" is not tuna
<Mom says it is tuna>
Dad: Maguro? Maguro is Japanese. Tuna is English. (after downing 2 shots)

The role of expectations
"The door ate the sky loudly but would not drop the ocean."
nerv. sys. sets limits of our perceptions
- color seen only in certain range
naive realism

better living through learning <--> better learning through living
What is algebra exactly is it those three-cornered things? - J.M. Barrie
How can we know the dancer from the dance? - W.B. Yeats
Where the telescope ends, the microscope begins. Which of the two has the grander view? - Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

Examples of why The Daily Bruin is a useless joke.
blurb that takes up a good fifth of the page: "[SPEAK OUT] Members of the UCLA men's soccer team were asked to state their favorite thing about November. Here are their responses."
W. T. F.
letters to the editor regarding some column by a Kelly Bowers called "Sarah Palin changes face of modern American feminism" which started off by saying "I am not a feminist." Oh, and it only got better after that. Keywords: whining, promiscuity, bra-burning. The letters are pretty ace though. "For a woman at this university (who would presumably be pleased with her equal opportunity that just a few decades ago was unavailable) to so proudly proclaim that she is not a feminist makes me even wonder why she is even here." I KNOW: because the world has a raging hard-on for douchebags. Why did this useless pedestrian piece of shit column get published in the first place? Come on, was there no one who could say the obvious? "You are an asshole and an idiot. We're not printing this. Don't let the door hit your ass on your way out~"

I had all this shredded cheese so I said what the hell and dumped it in my pancake mix. Now I'm eating the pancakes with canned mushrooms and Ikea lingonberry jam. It's pretty good. I'd like to say that it's college life~ but to be honest if I were at home with all other amenities, chances are that I still would've done this. I'm so LOL why not!? about food. Our whole family is. We're always eating expired crap. (Pancake mix: Oct 25 2008).

Right then, that's enough for now.
kerpingtack: green glass window installations (treatment)
As you might have guessed, I'm turning in the fucking midterm late. This quarter is officially fucked.

The Lollapalooza line-up looks pretty good. Neko Case and Ben Folds!!

I have very little will to do anything. How am I ever going to get through this quarter.

Yahoo has a link to Maru the cat's videos. ;__; Get away corporate America! Fucking capitalism.

I ate a lot.

I just watched 5 minutes of Catwoman on accident. LOL WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

I don't know why I started writing this entry. To summarize then, I dropped the bear wrt the midterm and I feel drained.

vague net

Mar. 11th, 2009 07:41 pm
kerpingtack: green glass window installations (treatment)
I am feeling fucking sad all over the place. WHY do people have to be so fucking awful? I'M SAD. Life is already so hard and people make it so much harder for each other. I just can't believe it's 2009, RaceFail 09 in fact, and humanity is still so ugly inside. It hurts to change, I know, but the hurt has been so long and so familiar and so damaging. Why is that in itself not enough? Why does it take anything more than saying, it hurts, this hurts me, this hurts many people like me, and even though we look different from you, our pain still matters. There is something so ugly in people, something insecure that holds itself around our privileges and will murder before it lets go. It's a system of denial and blindness, turning your face away. People have to fight so hard just to be seen as human. God fuck it's 2009. It hurts. 

Personal level: there is love, and there is an inability to express love. And an inability to accept love. No one sees anything clearly. The world is a fucking tragedy.

I am maudlin and sad sad sad. Life is so hard. It can be beautiful but mostly I think it's just hard to live. Maybe hard in part because it can be so beautiful. All that uneven topography, so meticulously organized; it kills you. "The arc of history is long, but it bends toward justice." It seems so wonderful and scary to believe in that. I feel that hope is a responsibility and I'm not ready for it, not at all. Fuck I'm just sad.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
The universe doesn't owe you any hope, which makes you feel even stupider when you DO hope and the universe unfolds naturally, ie bitch-slaps you down. Being misunderstood, or feeling misunderstood (which is more accurate??), and the subsequent fear of/reliance on that, has been such a big part of my interactions with other people. I hate it when you look back on something that you did and you have to ask, "Why did I think that would help?" It's sad all over, it's sad that people can't or won't or don't want to help you, it's sad that you misread the situation, it's sad that you're stupid and foolish.  
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
These days I've been getting more and more thoughts that come out of nowhere and develop into complex sentence structures on their own. Just now when I was leaving the dining hall and taking a few mints from the bowl: "What is life without cinnamon peppermints? A lot of bushwallah and hogswap, that's all! Bush-wall-ah and hoggggswap!" I am about 10000% sure that those are not real words. 

Side note; I like cinnamon when it's in candy and red and congealed and completely artificial. I am much less partial to it when it's brown and a spice and shit. Whatever.

I feel like I have a very tenuous control over my body and like I don't have a connection to it. I think my mind is getting more alien to me too. I think all these things without realizing... I think in complex sentences spontaneously now, without having to build em up. I don't know what I mean by "I" in that sentence btw. Why aren't "I" and "my mind" the same thing? Is "I" my soul? WTF? This is confusing. Okay whatever. I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF.

The last line of that one Dave Eggers short short story has been running through my mind on a loop the past few weeks. I am young enough to do horrible things because I think that there'll be enough time to be a good person later. Except I think I AM just a horrible person, full-stop. I shan't go into big blocks of text but if you know me, you probably already know. Sometimes I really feel bad for anyone who knows me and has to talk to me and just... has to be aware of my general existence. I don't know why I thought high school!me and now!me would be any different. I'm still the same person and I've always been the same person. I keep thinking I'm a better person than I am. I might re-read Catcher tonight and cry a little if Horky is not too omnipresent.


kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
counting at war

September 2017

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