kerpingtack: cute drawing of japanese candy: pink blue white (bauble crie)
Where's that tumblr text post that's like, "me: starts a post about my mental health / me: never mind. let's internalize this one, buddy." That's what the past like three years have been like. I don't know how to deal with things. My mind vice just keeps gnashing away at these thoughts until I "forget" them, which is a forgetting of the event, not of the content - like, I just forget that I had certain thoughts or feelings in a certain wording, but the thoughts/feelings still live on in an amorphous poison cloud in my bodily tissues and such. Is this a gross visual? Whatever. I tromp forward with vigor!!

The guessing game for the 21st century: Did I just think it or did I tweet it? Like traveling through a murky, boring mirror funhouse.

Here are some things that made me feel some feelings:

"It's been so hard, not knowing what it's about" (paraphrased from this fic): This is a really difficult part of life, to me. The incomprehensibility of it. Not active confusion, really, just the sense that I don't know what's going on or why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I want what I want, what's expected of me and what I feel about it.

I started watching Crazy Ex Girfriend a few weeks ago and I really love and feel for Rebecca. I cried during that episode where they go to the beach, just the scenes where she's in the bus, so lonely and lost. Trying really hard to keep up and figure it out.

idk, I'll just totally surrender the fight of trying to phrase things in, like... a readable way, lol. To me, the things Rebecca does are because she doesn't know what else to do. And she doesn't know why she does them, either. When you don't know what you want, or why you want it, or how to get what you want - there's no way to organize anything in your head or heart. You can't put things into context. It's a jumble and you're left with just trying to deal with things as they come, a one-on-one basis, but life is so fucking confusing that doing things that way results in fucking nonsense and chaos. Because without any sense of a stable bigger picture, you're left with reacting based on your emotions at the time. But your emotions are already a mess, just an ocean that's always moving, waves and waves and currents and rocks and spray, too many components and forms it can take, too vast to get a hold of. It's hard. Not knowing what it's about.

"Let it be willing": Sort of a more graceful way of being like, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"? Except not really. (SEE ABOVE: GIVING UP ON TRYING TO READABLE). I've been ~mulling this over because of Gansey wrt the Raven King (this) and Bucky wrt Civil War (this). And in some sense, existential therapy (in the Frankl school), which says there is so much you can't control. Accept that, and find the bounds of what you can control, and make meaning out of it. The choice you make matters to you, even if it doesn't or can't reach anyone else. This is hard for me, and also why "seeing" it is very moving and affecting to me? Because it's like, even if you can't believe in yourself, you can believe in the value of your choice. I find it very beautiful. The way you can transform the nature of an action. You can think: In the end, it doesn't matter, because the result is the same. A death is a death, suffering is suffering. But no, not all the time. It does make a difference. Here we are, in a world of chaos and meaning. Walk into it, unburden yourself however you can. That Bucky fic makes me want to cry every time. "'Do what you think is best,' he says. 'I have.'" Something about grace. Something about acting in ways that you can be proud of, in retrospect and remembrance. Something about how love really is powerful - the only way out of the flat, terrible circle of violence - and sometimes intention does matter. 'The heart goes on and on and does not stop.' Something something something.


I made a 7+ minute long ~vlog~ while driving home yesterday where I mostly repeated, "Why does life feel like this?" over and over. Not even "why do I feel like this?" or "why is life like this?" Why does it FEEL? LIKE? THIS? When will it stop? Or more practically, when am I going to accept it? I have to heave my sadsack body through space and time, PUSHING IT AGAINST THE GROUND AND THROUGH THE AIR, insisting upon my own existence even though I don't even fucking want to exist. Isn't that just a hell of thing? Life goes on until it decides not to, or until you make it stop. I ask you, how is that fair?! It should be a fucking opt in system, not an opt out. Ughhhhhkl;wejrkl;jasdf;klhlkasdf

I would like to conclude this post by saying I wrote this all in a crowded Starbucks, EVEN THOUGH I'm sitting right next to counter and my screen is not facing the wall.
kerpingtack: gillian anderson menswear black and white (none who say)
I feel like I'm going to burst if I don't say this somewhere, lol. That recent Candy Magazine SHINee ~interview~, the one where they all praise Onew and Key calls Minho is best friend, has no real source. NONE!

HERE IS MY MANIFESTO ON WHY THE INTERVIEW IS BULLSHIT

- there are no scans or news of the full interview.
- the only results for it ("shinee candy magazine") on Google are from tumblr or places that seem to have directly copy+pasted it, as in the same exact excerpt with the same exact translation (ex: asianfanfics); none of the links date further back than two days ago
- there's this mention here but uh the official site for Candy Magazine has no mention of such an interview
- and logistically, I don't know when they would've had an opportunity to have an interview with a Philippino magazine lately?
- or why some random fan board would have gotten access to a preview like that, when the official magazine itself has no promotions for the interview.

content wise:
SHINee themselves sound really open and cohesive in it. The interview is really really smooth. lol I just think it's pretty darn suspect. It sounds like such wishful fic thinking -- all their answers are very neat, and Key's answer is just SO ODD -- like, I think it's unlikely that he would've met Minho first out of SHINee when Key entered SM in 2005, the same year as Taemin and Jonghyun, and Minho came a year later in 2006. And jongkey were definitely friends predebut. (It's not like I don't think minkey can be close, because they've really come a long way this year; I just don't think Key would be so openly dismissive of the others for any one of them, not even for Jonghyun, and particularly not for Minho. Also, personally, I don't think Key is the type of person who associates knowing someone for a long time with being close to them.)

The Onew stuff is also really wish fulfillment-y to me. It sounds like straight rehashes of what Jonghyun said in the kindest member radio clip and the things 2min have said about Onew, ~enhanced~ with more details. I mean, I guess that's why it was "believeable"; everyone's basically heard these things before and everyone WANTS to hear these things too. (Conspiracy theory: Especially since Onew has not been uhhh the most... visibly... good leader all throughout their time in Japan. There was a solid two months (I'd say mid-June to mid-August) where he was completely out of sync with them and made zero effort in any interview or interaction. He's been better now that they're coming back to Korea more, and that's made people more hopeful, but then he didn't have a birthday fan meet where fans could read about SHINee giving him attention for his special day. idk, you could read this fake interview as an attempt to remind/reassure fandom that Onew is still an important and valuable part of the group. And since SHINee aren't saying it on their own, fans have taken the initiative to say it for them!!! They probably mean it anyway, right?!!? ugh.*)

There's a chance it could be legit ofc & if anyone has a scan or something I'd love to see it so I can squirrel it away in my obsessive database~. But uhhhmmm otherwise, it annoys me when false information is spread, even if it's a (relatively) harmless fantasy like this "interview" is.

THUS SPAKE ME. whewww okay lol tyfyt~

*I am annoyed because of the last few comments here that say IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S FAKE!!11. omg stopppp, this fandom is confusing enough without people deliberately pretending that fake quotes are just as valid as things people have actually said.
kerpingtack: badly cropped deers drawn by a korean artist (nearly spring)
This took fucking forever. Life has been draining me of life!! I'm so tired all the time, idk. It's hard to get the momentum going for these nothing posts when I could just as well spam twitter but~ I really want to get back into the groove of things.

I don't even remember how to do this! I open this page and I just talk?? What about? What did I do before? I have no memory of anything. wtf did I even have thoughts in the past? Was I even alive??

Okay I'll just free-associate or something. LOL because otherwise I'm so orderly~

vintage whine aged in the finest crystal decanter )
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I AM GOING BONKERS OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME

IF I CANNOT FINISH THIS PAPER TODAY

I WILL

LITERALLY

DIE

WHY IS THIS SO HARD, I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS CONTINUOUSLY LIKE NIGHT AND DAY FOR TWO WEEKS AND IT IS STILL NOT FINISHED AND IT IS ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE 6 - 10 PAGES DOUBLE-SPACED WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

AND NOW MY EARS ARE RINGING!!! GREAT I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE A STROKE OR SOMETHING THAT IS GREAT

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE 5 HOURS OF SLEEP I'VE BEEN AVERAGING FOR THE PAST WEEK OR THE CAN OF CHERRY COKE I JUST DRANK

CAPS CAPS CAPS

I AM SO SAD IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! THIS PAPER IS NEVER GOING TO BE FINISHED 

LOOK AT ALL MY TAGS, I HOPE THEY ARE AS LONG AS THE ACTUAL ENTRY

WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY AND WHY ARE THEY ALL SO RELEVANT

HOBO CORN

OBAMA'S ICY GLAMOUR

BILLY IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
WE BEAT THE SUBSPACE EMISSARY ADVENTURE ON SUPER SMASH BROS BRAWL

STFU THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR US, WE ARE NOT GAMERS, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE EVER FINISHED A GAME WITH A STORY AND STAGES AND BOSSES!!!! AND IT FELT DAMN GOOD

It was a total team effort!! My sister and I played through it with JJB chattering non-stop in the background like a sprite that follows you around telling you "Press B to use your boomerang!" while you look online for a cheat to help you kill him, or a random townsperson on an RPG that you try to avoid because if you walk past them you'll have to Skip twenty times while they talk about the history of the mountain or that the weather looks bad today, do you want to go fishing? OR WHATEVER.................................. anywaaaay JJB was helpful exactly 50% of the time (b/c he is literally a freaking encyclopedia when it comes to the stuff he's interested in) and CRAZY ANNOYING the other 50% of the time (b/c he is better than you and WILL NEVER STOP TALKING). And on the final boss Tabuu all three of us played against him in a frantic wii remote swap loop. It took us six tries!! gd his stupid wings. JJB was the one who finished him off with Ganondorf. (More like GanonDORK hurr hurr hurr. <-- our favorite joke) OH SWEET VICTORYYYYY

ELEVEN HOURSSSSSSSSSS~!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were probably a little too invested in the trophy story, but to be fair, JJB was the only one who actually cried when Ness sacrificed himself for Lucas. ;_____;

BEE DOO ROOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BA RA RA RA BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

PS, IT WAS ONLY ON EASY!!!! WE ARE ROCKSTARS
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
THAT IS ALL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "IS THAT ALL?" WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED

NASH
VILLE
CATS
~~~
!!!!!!!
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (call it freedom in an old age)
I think this was a meme a while ago but really I just felt like bitching about stuff no one else bitches about.

1. Pushing Daisies was simultaneously overly precious and kind of cold. Sorry, bright colors and a narrator do not substitute emotions. MAYBE NEXT TIME
2. Licorice, Frito's, jelly beans, Pringles, and Gatorade all taste terrible. Diet Pepsi is disgusting. Soggy cereal tastes good.
3. I HATE OLD PEOPLE. I hope when I go to hell there will be no old people there.
4. The Soup is not funny. Joel McHale seems like a dbag.
5. Glee is fucking terrible. The women are all shrews or the ~good counterpoint, The Supportive Girlfriend/Wife. The teacher is a creepy limp-dicked asshole who should NOT be a protagonist. It's like McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy all over again.
6. ohnotheydidnt has like 1000000000 members; there IS no collective voice.
7. Women are human beings. ZING~
8. This is not unpopular, but neither is it as popular as I want it to be: THE JONAS BROTHERS NEED TO GO AWAY. How the fuck is there a legit fandom for this bullshit??
9. Empire waistlines make EVERYONE look goddamn pregnant or just weird. If this is the look you are going for, fine. If not... WTF LOOK IN A MIRROR YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GOT A BABY ON THE WAY.
10. The guy who plays Tim Riggins on Friday Night Lights is SUCH. A. BAD. ACTOR. He is so terrible. And he is ugly. And he sucks. It makes me MAD that people think he is a selling point for the show. NO WTF HE IS NOT!!!!! People are always jizzing their pants over him and it makes no fucking sense omfg.

bulletin

Apr. 3rd, 2009 12:35 am
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I just want you all to know that  I feel sooooooooo schmoopy and sappy right now. Everyone should get married and hold babies and play with kittens and like visit each other in the hospital, I don't know. Schmoooooooooooop.

I also want to eat mushrooms. That's not a euphemism for anything, I just want to eat mushrooms, sauteed and stuff.

I do not know how to deal with this haircut. It looks really weird when it's not straight, which is all the time. My hair has gotten so freaking wavy over the last few years. What do hair salon people use to make it all straight?? Do they put conditioner in the water in the spray bottles?

Okay on that intelligent note, I am out for the day.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I GOT A 43/45 ON MY STATS FINAL

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!??!?!?!???

WHO DID I BLOW TO GET THAT GRADE???
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I've had a pretty bad day UNTIL the walk hoam!!!!!!!! First, this really pretty British girl stopped me to ask for directions, which of course I couldn't give, BUT!!!! I was still SOMEWHAT USEFUL, which NEVER HAPPENS!!! EVER!!!!! Because, and I don't know HOW I remembered this, much less voiced it normally since my brain completely goes blank whenever anyone talks to me, I said that she could check the computers in Ackerman if she wanted. YEAH!!! THAT WAS USEFUL!!!

THEN!!!!!! While I was going up the hill this hippie guy asked me if Powell library was still open, and again, I didn't know, but Hippie Guy was A-OKAY with that!!!! He said I was FRIENDLY (ME!!!!!! FRIENDLY!!!!!!) and he held up his hand for A FIST BUMP!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A FIST BUMP!!!!! And then he thanked me and went on his hippie guy way!!!!!!!

ALL OF THIS IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL FOR ME, I NEVER HAVE NON-FAILURE SOCIAL INTERACTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
1. LOL
2. LOOOOL
3. LOL
4. Half the movie was good, and half of it was ~*~*~*TWILIGHT*~*~*~
5. The bad girl vampire (Victoria?) was SO PRETTY. Her hair was particularly so so fing gorgeous.
6. HOLY SHIT THAT BLOND GUY. LMAO I ALMOST DIED
7. VAMPIRE
8. BASEBALL
9. WITH
10. HATS

edit @ 11:57
TWATLIGHT )
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
Ahahh I like the way today's LJ Writer's Block question was written:

Oscar Wilde
, a dandy’s dandy, once said that “we live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.” What unnecessary possession can you not live without?

A dandy's dandy! That is both straight-up and downright delightful. An unnecessary possession I cannot live without is a necessary possession, my dear frond. *obtuse* 

I'm so tired. I'm tired of my dreams too, they're all so weird and long and exhausting or they just make me sad. Do not want, subconscious, please leave me alone.

I think the perfect song for the disco (by disco I mean bden in any capacity) to cover is BEN FOLDS FIVE'S PHILOSOPHY. Hell to the fuck yes. Oh my god, it would be so perfect the universe would have to do something quite full of dread to balance it out, like destroy a fambly of rainbows, or continue to be the way it normally is. The piano! The crazy breakdown near the end! "Go ahead, you can laugh all you want -- but I got my philosophy~" Oh man.

In an effort to stop spamming the holy cats out of you guys (your holy cats are very important to keep) I'm truncating three four five posts into one. Pls be impressed by my use of the word "trunc8."

now we come to drag days
Today at 5:32pm

It is fucking freezing in the library. I hate doing Voyager when it's this cold, my hands get frostbite and fall off into oblivion. Now I'm waiting to do email and then I'll be done wif work and I can clock out and walk the tedious walk back, oh happy day! oh joy of joys! I have a cut on the heel of one foot and a fucked-up toe on the other. :[

Guided By Voices is fucking amazing. Bee Thousand is supposed to be their magnum opus, and justifiably so, but I really really really love Under the Bushes, Under the Stars.

I'm so tireddd. The blood in my eyes are shot! I want to turn the world sideways so I can rappel down campus instead of all that tiresome walking. Goddamn it's cold here.

Tock to me of some things, fronds.



Even now when I see "Biden" for a split second I read it as bdennnnnnnnnnn. Biiiiiiidennnnnnnn.

I'm feeling so jittery right now. I feel like I'm about to jitter out of my skin. !!

I lost my UCLA ID card on Tuesday and I only noticed today. I liked my ID picture. I'm kinda bummed.

Shiina Ringo sings the living fuck out of the Heisai Fuzoku version of Gamble. It's pretty gottamn amazing.

For seriously -- in fact, for all the seriouslies in the world, Guided By Voices is incredible.

OMG DWIGHT HAVING A BABY/BUTTERED WATERMELON. I CAN NEVER UNSEE THAT.


I'm watching the Saturday Night Live special thing? I'm not sure what it is, it just came on after the office and hay whatever. So far it's not that bad! Either SNL is improving suddenly or I'm getting used to it. The Weekend Update is pretty fun. They're all stumbling over words and whatever, you can tell that they're feeling punchy. (Oh my god I just looked "punchy" up and it totally doesn't mean what I thought it meant!! D:) Republicans are always easy targets but even still I like how balls out SNL is for Obama. Am I reading the situation right when I say it feels like there is a palpable white-knuckled desperation emerging now? I kinda felt that way walking around campus with all the signs and tables and things. I saw a girl holding a huge picket sign from far away and I was all ugh it's going to be one of those 'REPENT! THE END IS NIGH' people and it turned out it was telling all the losers who weren't registered to git registered. (How do I know if I'm registered guise?? ;__; I think I fucked up my form. *so incompetent, should not be allowed outside*) What to do if McCain wins omg. There's only 19 days left!

It turns out, the more one realizes that one has really no idea how to make food for oneself, the more primal one becomes while watching the Food Network. I'm watching Ace of Cakes and I'm SO HUNGRY. I want to attack everyone and suck out their brains or whatever part of them is made of knowledge of deliciosity and live there and bake myself into a cake and eat my way out and do that every day of my natural life. Okay I don't really want to attack anyone since I sincerely love everyone, so so hard. That is seriously the best job in the world, along with working at Pixar and probably something else. Maybe. But everything else is true. OMG Ace of Cakes DVD. OMG they're looking at real estate in Los Angeles. OMGGGGG. But I don't get it? Are they thinking about moving? I thought they lurved Baltimore? Why are they thinking about uprooting everything to come live in fucking Los Angeles?? Don't do it Duff, it's not good times.

I just want to tell you that a couple of days ago I went to sleep at about 11 (because I had to get up way early the next morning), empty room, and at about 12:30 I was woken up by... what? What do you think it was? It was roomie, frying up a shitstorm. Who the fuck fries 50 lbs of firecrackers or whatever she was frying at 12:30 at night?? It was so loud. She's dumb as hell, that roomie. Also keeps turning on lights near my head. Ugh.

This Resolve commercial is so blatantly skeevy. Hella breeding discontentment.



I'm still so tired but I'm not sleeping! Mostly because I'm obsessed with organizing my music. I know how to prioritize.

I just made myself LOL imagining the disco covering Friday Bridge's Love and Nostalgia (read: imagining bden singing anything Ms. Friday Bridge has sung). Then I made myself sick with hunger imagining B&S covering it. That is not saying so very much; I want B&S to cover every song in the world because I think EVERYTHING is more interesting when Stuart's singing it. Stuuuuuuuuarrrrrt. *___*
kerpingtack: green glass window installations (treatment)
Oh Dolly P., sing the truth. SING IT.

I am drowning in music. The discography tags on [livejournal.com profile] indie_exchange are going to be the death of me. SOMEONE POSTED THE JOURNEY DISCOGRAPHY. MOTHERFUCKING JOURNEY!! AND THE SAME PERSON POSTED THE EUROPE DISCOGRAPHY TOO. EUROPE!! SOOO GOOD OMFG. DROWWWWNING

I cannot however find a fucking Sam Cooke album. Or anything Kokia. Or anything Shiina Ringo. I'm not too surprised about the last two, but wherefore no Sam Cooke??

I am cleaning out my room b/c my aunt is moving in on Sunday. Or possibly tomorrow. I CAN'T THROW ANYTHING OUT OMG. "What if I need it someday???" When, self? When would you need a super-frilly pink short sleeve blouse? Maybe I'll go to party where the theme is frills omg get off my back. Also I have like all my Academic Decathalon stuff, LOLOL. I never even read them the first time around! Sighh.

I did concoct an outfit that looks ridiculously nineties. It looks like a very misguided attempt at being like ~corporate casual~.

MEOW
WOEM

Listen guys, lord knows I love the disco, but now they are touring with Dashboard Confessional and "the Plain White T's" and "the Cab." It's just not good times.

Alright why not:

the thing is, it wasn't even that late )

We are intellectuals.
kerpingtack: alec baldwin in beetlejuice (CHEKRD SHRT + GLASSES = YES YES YES!!)
ROBERT PATTINSON ON HIS CHARACTER

“When you read the book, it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.”

LOLLLLLOLLLOLOL AHAHAHAHAH CAN YOU SERIOUSLY BELIEVE HOW AMAZING THIS CRACKHEAD IS????? I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH OMG

RPATTZ = THE MOST EPIC

THE MOST

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING MY PREVIOUS ATTITUDE ABOUT THE TWILIGHT MOVIE WAS
lord god in heaven
*sidelines for the lolz*
BUT NOW IT IS
OMFG THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE AMAZING
*BUYS TICKEXX*
 
ROBERT PATTINSON HATES THIS MOVIE AND HE WILL SAVE IT FOR EVERYONE!!!1111111

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