drunk dialing for people who hate phones and don't drink

[kerpingtack]

I jus wanna say that I am sorry for never fulfilling the 'back' part of the 'brb' bargain; I was goan to, but then I didn. I am sorry!

The secon thing I wanna say is that it's three am and I am weepily emotional over SPN as I am wont to be. Sam is a tall ideal, slouching around, smart an thoughtful an the bes light Dean or John could hold up, and will always be the thing that opens Dean's world to air, in the and he was running toward him, his world entire kind of way. Sam is the reason. And there is a whole universe of life and hurt and love between those two, cataclysms of love, canyons and rivers and skins of it. There is no one more important. And really they are both so hurt and they hurt each other, but only because they love each other so much, and they're friends but not friends and they understand each other even as they don't. They live on their own wavelength. Oh my god their lives are just so hard and horrible and tragic and fucked up, I just want them to be alright. Sam is scared of losing the little he has left, Dean is scared of losing the only things that have ever mattered. They're running out of time, out of air, out of options. I will cry myself into a million pieces if they die at the end of the season, and will cry myself into an equal million pieces if they are happy and squared away (WITH BABIES).

I don't believe in wincest, even outside all the umm gay incestual borderline cross-generational sexxin', because it just seems so superfluous and unnecessary. Adding sex to the equation to me deprives it of some of its truth. Also in general they are already fucked up enough without gay incest (like, fucking a brother you have actually grown up with is not just "a weird thing", it is FUCKED UP and thus you have to be FUCKED UP to do it on a consistent basis.) And really I don't see it in the show at all. I still read the fic because it does sort of by nature? encapsulate the extreme for-better-or-for-worse closeness and the feeling that in a lot of ways they are each others only (the only person they fully trust, the only person who knows them, the only person they can really talk to, etc), and a lot of it is really well-written. But there's a biiiiig suspension of disbelief. Maybe if they were darker, really more fucked up, because they're so insular already, I could see it. As it is it's not healthy (yeah, no duh) and I really just feel like... why do you have to bring sex/romantic entanglement into it at all?? Maybe it comes down to whether you can see them being happy apart from each other. I think they should be able to. Part of why their lives are so horrible, to me, is that they're so alone and have no one but each other. No one they can trust, no one who can help. I mean they're always going to be the most important people in each others' lives, and I really don't see how you can make that wrong or bad, but that super-dependence, that fear, that desperation that they're living under now... it doesn't have to be like that, and I don't want it to have to be like that for them. It's the "us against the world" model pared down to the saddest, most harrowing roots. Certainly they're stronger together but it's not like sex is going to bring them any closer or make them any stronger.

I have sort of confused myself again. I will edit this when I am not at three in the morning.

It is really hard, as in  to bind your emotional wellbeing to fictional things. I suspect it's so easy for me because I want to avoid binding it to real things.