counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2013-07-15 04:01 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2013-07-15 04:01 pm
lace cottage
I have really bad eating habits. I ate a couple of bites of a questionable chicken sandwich this morning, five pecans, and drank a bottle of water. Will probably go out to dinner tonight, at least?
Timeline of mine real life: three weeks ago I had a lot of my anxieties reaffirmed, and I needed all of the next week to recover from it. Last Monday I cried in a sorrowful nervous breakdown kind of way. I want to stabilize myself this week.
I'm going to legit work on my resume again and legit apply to teach in Korea. This is going to happen!! ~*I*~ am going to happen!!!!
I want to see Pacific Rim, The Heat, and Despicable Me 2. And How to Train Your Dragon 2 (June 2014!!).
I really felt like Chorong was dead last Monday, which was a big part of why I cried so hard. But later I thought that if I don't know, why would I want to think of him as dead? When I drive home I take a sort of side country road. There's a small canal on one side and fields on the other for most of the way. I could see him walking on a fence clearly, and now it's a happy image. Like, now it doesn't make me profoundly sad to "see" him like that. Similarly, it used to make me so sad and overwhelmed to look at the fields, because it just seemed like there were so many places he could be, so many places I could miss. But now I look out and the furthest point I can see across the fields - he could be just beyond there. Just that much. Playing and lazing and sleeping and chasing things and being loved by the sun or the shade or whoever finds him or whoever has found him.
I've let go of some of my selfishness as well. It's okay if we don't see him again, if he's alive and healthy. And I've done a lot to look for him, or all that I reasonably could, I think. I will keep looking but I'm not as wrung out and raw about it.
There's a lot to be happy about and grateful for, even if it's gone now. We gave each other a good start anyway. I still haven't put away his food or litter box though, and I don't think I will have the heart to do it for a long time.
I feel disordered. How do I become the person I want to be without punishing myself for the person I helplessly am, etc. The news is always depressing. God I need to eat something.
Timeline of mine real life: three weeks ago I had a lot of my anxieties reaffirmed, and I needed all of the next week to recover from it. Last Monday I cried in a sorrowful nervous breakdown kind of way. I want to stabilize myself this week.
I'm going to legit work on my resume again and legit apply to teach in Korea. This is going to happen!! ~*I*~ am going to happen!!!!
I want to see Pacific Rim, The Heat, and Despicable Me 2. And How to Train Your Dragon 2 (June 2014!!).
I really felt like Chorong was dead last Monday, which was a big part of why I cried so hard. But later I thought that if I don't know, why would I want to think of him as dead? When I drive home I take a sort of side country road. There's a small canal on one side and fields on the other for most of the way. I could see him walking on a fence clearly, and now it's a happy image. Like, now it doesn't make me profoundly sad to "see" him like that. Similarly, it used to make me so sad and overwhelmed to look at the fields, because it just seemed like there were so many places he could be, so many places I could miss. But now I look out and the furthest point I can see across the fields - he could be just beyond there. Just that much. Playing and lazing and sleeping and chasing things and being loved by the sun or the shade or whoever finds him or whoever has found him.
I've let go of some of my selfishness as well. It's okay if we don't see him again, if he's alive and healthy. And I've done a lot to look for him, or all that I reasonably could, I think. I will keep looking but I'm not as wrung out and raw about it.
There's a lot to be happy about and grateful for, even if it's gone now. We gave each other a good start anyway. I still haven't put away his food or litter box though, and I don't think I will have the heart to do it for a long time.
I feel disordered. How do I become the person I want to be without punishing myself for the person I helplessly am, etc. The news is always depressing. God I need to eat something.