counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2014-03-28 10:11 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2014-03-28 10:11 pm
plightless sight
Life is really hard to live!!
I took a bath and finished Rob Delaney's book. I'm too lazy to google the full title of it haha. It was lovely, a good read from a good guy. "Heart-garden, root and branch."
I've decided that I probably don't have depression. I think I have a lot of ANXIETY, and I am naturally lazy and withdrawn, and prone to rationalization, and prone to being too aware of the rationalization, and prone to trying to parse one from the other (what's genuine vs. what's just set up as straw men to protect my fragile sense of self), and prone to wearing myself down that way so I can wash my hands of it and not have to think or act constructively to change anything. Also once I took a quiz on the internet and it told me I was like a 98% narcissist (like 98% of me is a narcissist? I am more narcissistic than 98% of the population? what do I need to know the details for, I have a number!). And of course all facts are true on the internet.
I feel like I have to work really hard to be empathetic. I do not have patience. I don't actively enjoy making people feel bad, but once it starts, I can't stop because it's just a byproduct of me trying to fulfill my own need (to vent, to escape, to avoid embarrassment, etc). But I feel like a good person when the cats choose to be near me. I don't have to work to feel kindly toward them. My heart quite goes out without any thought.
hummmm and hawwww
I took a bath and finished Rob Delaney's book. I'm too lazy to google the full title of it haha. It was lovely, a good read from a good guy. "Heart-garden, root and branch."
I've decided that I probably don't have depression. I think I have a lot of ANXIETY, and I am naturally lazy and withdrawn, and prone to rationalization, and prone to being too aware of the rationalization, and prone to trying to parse one from the other (what's genuine vs. what's just set up as straw men to protect my fragile sense of self), and prone to wearing myself down that way so I can wash my hands of it and not have to think or act constructively to change anything. Also once I took a quiz on the internet and it told me I was like a 98% narcissist (like 98% of me is a narcissist? I am more narcissistic than 98% of the population? what do I need to know the details for, I have a number!). And of course all facts are true on the internet.
I feel like I have to work really hard to be empathetic. I do not have patience. I don't actively enjoy making people feel bad, but once it starts, I can't stop because it's just a byproduct of me trying to fulfill my own need (to vent, to escape, to avoid embarrassment, etc). But I feel like a good person when the cats choose to be near me. I don't have to work to feel kindly toward them. My heart quite goes out without any thought.
hummmm and hawwww