counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2014-04-14 07:47 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2014-04-14 07:47 pm
you don't know 'cause it passes right through you
I've eaten, did some cleaning; the door is open and there's a breeze outside. I have food ready for Julian. The cats are in sight, looking out at the backyard. I'm listening to music. If it's like this, then it's like - of course you can be happy. You're happy right now. There's so much good in the world, and it can't run out. You don't have to wrench yourself into shapes to fit in it.
I've noticed that more and more, in each fandom that I pass through, I find something I like in a way that seems relevant to me at the moment. Of course that's just my gaze catching what it's looking for, and it's more convenient because I need EVERYTHING - need lessons about everything, need to draw strength from everything; but still, it feels nice. I don't know if any of that made sense, lol. Hopefully when I reread this later I'll know what I meant.
When you love, or feel for, a character that you relate to, it's like a safe way of embracing yourself. It's careful and removed, not so raw or a risk. And being in fandom, reading about how other people love that character, and feeling that collective energy is nice too.
A few weeks (or months? I don't even remember) ago, I woke up halfway hearing a woman outside calling a name. It was so regular that I don't know if it wasn't just in my head. But eventually I heard "here kitty" and then I just wanted to go back to sleep and I did. Just thinking about someone else having to do that awful round of looking filled me with dread and misery. And I didn't want to hear it or be aware of it. A la Saiyuki, I didn't want anything touching that scar. All of this sounds dramatic as I'm writing it lol. It's just a mundane kind of misery and I kept forgetting to write about it. Anyway, some things need to be one step removed - you don't want anything to directly touch you. It's just nice to watch it, kind of see how it looks, see it modeled.
cataloguing what I like: I LOVE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD AT LOOKING SAD. I'm monstrous. I think this is related to how sometimes I find people very attractive when they're sick - not because I know they're sick, often I don't but I'm just like "wow they look really good here!" and then the comments are like "omg poor [person], they were so sick this day :(" and I'm like T___T.
So in terms of Cpt. America 2: I'm most drawn to Bucky and Sam; Bucky because he makes me saddest, and Sam because he makes me happiest lol. Sam is so fundamentally good and decent, down to his bones. Amiable and supportive!!! Just ready to roll with it, augh.
And Bucky, because when a character's life is just SO goddamn sad and shitty, I obsess over it. Like seriously WHAT A SHIT LIFE BUCKY HAS. I've said this like three times already in real life conversations, but like, as soon as he gets drafted, that's just the end of any happiness or easiness and the rest is just REALLY, SUCH AN AWFUL LIFE FULL OF MISERY WITHOUT BREAK.
... I took too long of a break in writing this and now I feel that everything in this entry is embarrassing and stupid. AS YOU DO.
hahahahahaha and in the break between that last sentence and this one, a bomb exploded the day and blew out the positive/restfulness I was feeling before. s!i!g!h! permutations! mutations! I! hate! self!!
I've noticed that more and more, in each fandom that I pass through, I find something I like in a way that seems relevant to me at the moment. Of course that's just my gaze catching what it's looking for, and it's more convenient because I need EVERYTHING - need lessons about everything, need to draw strength from everything; but still, it feels nice. I don't know if any of that made sense, lol. Hopefully when I reread this later I'll know what I meant.
When you love, or feel for, a character that you relate to, it's like a safe way of embracing yourself. It's careful and removed, not so raw or a risk. And being in fandom, reading about how other people love that character, and feeling that collective energy is nice too.
A few weeks (or months? I don't even remember) ago, I woke up halfway hearing a woman outside calling a name. It was so regular that I don't know if it wasn't just in my head. But eventually I heard "here kitty" and then I just wanted to go back to sleep and I did. Just thinking about someone else having to do that awful round of looking filled me with dread and misery. And I didn't want to hear it or be aware of it. A la Saiyuki, I didn't want anything touching that scar. All of this sounds dramatic as I'm writing it lol. It's just a mundane kind of misery and I kept forgetting to write about it. Anyway, some things need to be one step removed - you don't want anything to directly touch you. It's just nice to watch it, kind of see how it looks, see it modeled.
cataloguing what I like: I LOVE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD AT LOOKING SAD. I'm monstrous. I think this is related to how sometimes I find people very attractive when they're sick - not because I know they're sick, often I don't but I'm just like "wow they look really good here!" and then the comments are like "omg poor [person], they were so sick this day :(" and I'm like T___T.
So in terms of Cpt. America 2: I'm most drawn to Bucky and Sam; Bucky because he makes me saddest, and Sam because he makes me happiest lol. Sam is so fundamentally good and decent, down to his bones. Amiable and supportive!!! Just ready to roll with it, augh.
And Bucky, because when a character's life is just SO goddamn sad and shitty, I obsess over it. Like seriously WHAT A SHIT LIFE BUCKY HAS. I've said this like three times already in real life conversations, but like, as soon as he gets drafted, that's just the end of any happiness or easiness and the rest is just REALLY, SUCH AN AWFUL LIFE FULL OF MISERY WITHOUT BREAK.
... I took too long of a break in writing this and now I feel that everything in this entry is embarrassing and stupid. AS YOU DO.
hahahahahaha and in the break between that last sentence and this one, a bomb exploded the day and blew out the positive/restfulness I was feeling before. s!i!g!h! permutations! mutations! I! hate! self!!