counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2009-07-27 02:46 am
kerpingtack) wrote2009-07-27 02:46 am
Entry tags:
someone had blunder'd
I am the mopiest motherfucker at the moment. Not too mopey to avoid accidental alliterations though. *buffs nails against smoking jacket*
Guys, I am not even that joyless of a person. I appreciate LOTS of things in life! I am not being sarcastic!! I think the world is fucked up but there is still so much good in it and, despite my best efforts, I think it's a good worth fighting for. So I am sick in love with it. I just have a poisoned heart or whatever so everything good I feel and recognize breaks down into "*hand pressed to forehead* I CANNOT GO ON." It's not that I don't want to live Life in the general and the abstract. It's not even that I don't want to live MY life. I just don't want to live because I would have to live as me. The thought is exhausting. How many hours and nights and minutes and years will I have to spend? Just like this, tired, sad and guilty, silence buzzing in my ears and my heart thudding dull and slow. The important thing is that I'm alive, not whether or not I want to be alive, and as long as I'm alive, I can change things. Dying's cheap; it's a way to duck out, like giving up before ever trying. I balance on this nebulous theoretical concept of ~change~. I don't think I can and I don't think I will, at least not for the better. It's not as though I haven't been trying. Maybe I've been doing it wrong, but for fuck's sake I've been trying. I need help. I've needed help for a long time. It's catching up to me this summer. The fractured ankle and the car crash and senior year, it's like they're signs. "You need to wake up. You need to pay attention. This is serious. What are you going to do?" And it's terrifying, because I have no idea. The ground is crumbling beneath my feet faster and faster and I feel like I'm a car wreck in slow motion all the time, all the time, so slow that no one really knows it's happening, but it is fucking happening and I don't know what to do. It's almost pathological at this point. I kind of want to know what's going to happen. When is it REALLY going to get bad? When does it cross the threshold, where it becomes truly unavoidable? I'm hella hedging my bets or forcing my own hand or some other irrelevant gambling metaphor. I just want to go gentle into that good night, okay?? Undertowwwww.
Um yeah! Cheerful!
I went to Six Flags Marine World (it's called Six Flags Discovery Kingdom now or some shit, but what the fuck ever) on Friday with my family, my sister's bo~yfriend, and my mom's Korean church youth group (which consists of three people, including my sister). It was fun! JJB had a blast. He barely squeaked by on the rides with the 48" cut-off point. JJB is a darling little dandelion puff! I feel overwhelmingly fond of him lately. I really want him to be alright. He's so much like me and my dad, which is a fucking disaster.
Agh fuck I'm useless. I've been really teary. I had a shit dream during my nap today. I was going on this big group trip and I packed all the wrong stuff in, like, seven different bags and the security people at the airport were dicks to me. It was stressful. I woke up all cranky.
It's really really amazing to be home at the same time it's an acute and terrible agony. The torture is fucking exquisite, is what I'm saying.
I am going to pieces all over the place. Everything is too good to be borne, everything hurts to feel. I think that most people are good but it makes me sad to think of how relentlessly this goodness is tested throughout their lives, how ruthlessly. It hurts more when people are constantly emerging from the ~trials with the essential goodness intact. Basic human decency. It's going to kill me in the end. I guess another word for it is love. It's fucking humbling.
Words of wisdom from JJB: "The river was contaminated with amnesia.* If you fall it, you'll catch it."
*pronounced "am-nejsh-ya"
Guys, I am not even that joyless of a person. I appreciate LOTS of things in life! I am not being sarcastic!! I think the world is fucked up but there is still so much good in it and, despite my best efforts, I think it's a good worth fighting for. So I am sick in love with it. I just have a poisoned heart or whatever so everything good I feel and recognize breaks down into "*hand pressed to forehead* I CANNOT GO ON." It's not that I don't want to live Life in the general and the abstract. It's not even that I don't want to live MY life. I just don't want to live because I would have to live as me. The thought is exhausting. How many hours and nights and minutes and years will I have to spend? Just like this, tired, sad and guilty, silence buzzing in my ears and my heart thudding dull and slow. The important thing is that I'm alive, not whether or not I want to be alive, and as long as I'm alive, I can change things. Dying's cheap; it's a way to duck out, like giving up before ever trying. I balance on this nebulous theoretical concept of ~change~. I don't think I can and I don't think I will, at least not for the better. It's not as though I haven't been trying. Maybe I've been doing it wrong, but for fuck's sake I've been trying. I need help. I've needed help for a long time. It's catching up to me this summer. The fractured ankle and the car crash and senior year, it's like they're signs. "You need to wake up. You need to pay attention. This is serious. What are you going to do?" And it's terrifying, because I have no idea. The ground is crumbling beneath my feet faster and faster and I feel like I'm a car wreck in slow motion all the time, all the time, so slow that no one really knows it's happening, but it is fucking happening and I don't know what to do. It's almost pathological at this point. I kind of want to know what's going to happen. When is it REALLY going to get bad? When does it cross the threshold, where it becomes truly unavoidable? I'm hella hedging my bets or forcing my own hand or some other irrelevant gambling metaphor. I just want to go gentle into that good night, okay?? Undertowwwww.
Um yeah! Cheerful!
I went to Six Flags Marine World (it's called Six Flags Discovery Kingdom now or some shit, but what the fuck ever) on Friday with my family, my sister's bo~yfriend, and my mom's Korean church youth group (which consists of three people, including my sister). It was fun! JJB had a blast. He barely squeaked by on the rides with the 48" cut-off point. JJB is a darling little dandelion puff! I feel overwhelmingly fond of him lately. I really want him to be alright. He's so much like me and my dad, which is a fucking disaster.
Agh fuck I'm useless. I've been really teary. I had a shit dream during my nap today. I was going on this big group trip and I packed all the wrong stuff in, like, seven different bags and the security people at the airport were dicks to me. It was stressful. I woke up all cranky.
It's really really amazing to be home at the same time it's an acute and terrible agony. The torture is fucking exquisite, is what I'm saying.
I am going to pieces all over the place. Everything is too good to be borne, everything hurts to feel. I think that most people are good but it makes me sad to think of how relentlessly this goodness is tested throughout their lives, how ruthlessly. It hurts more when people are constantly emerging from the ~trials with the essential goodness intact. Basic human decency. It's going to kill me in the end. I guess another word for it is love. It's fucking humbling.
Words of wisdom from JJB: "The river was contaminated with amnesia.* If you fall it, you'll catch it."
*pronounced "am-nejsh-ya"