counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2011-05-10 06:11 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2011-05-10 06:11 pm
my face against the window
I started this entry like three days ago. Why do I even bother!
I'm missing class even though I really shouldn't and I didn't WANT to miss class, my iPod broke open and I have tend to it. ;~~; It's also because I have work for four hours today and that shit is terrible without an iPod. I have such white people problems even though I am an xXaznXx. It's a dumb fucking reason to miss class. Why am I so bad at life? I'm so selfish and hung up on immediate gratification, can't think in the long term, so unreasonably drained from just being outside, always tired even though I don't do anything, etc. This is exactly how I was two, three, four years ago and although I know that I've grown up in a lot of ways, sometimes I think that I'm never going to be different. And there's no point in trying to move forward because I'll still always, always be me. This dumb, selfish fuck-up who... I mean. I just really hate myself sometimes. Most times.
I don't know how good all this escapism is in the long-run but it's like the only thing keeping me going these days. If I didn't have these media obsessions I would have nothing propping me up anymore and I would really collapse under the weight of my latent depression, self-hatred, etc. All the old feelings. If I give them the time, if they're able to carried out to their logical conclusion, then that's it for me. Black holes. All the old feelings, so familiar.
I try to be honest, if only to myself. Hence the blog. There's so much that I can't say to other people, either because I don't know how to talk to them or because I just can't say it out loud. "I'm so scared all the time." I turn those kinds of statements into judgments and haterade a lot but it does help to admit those kinds of things to myself. There's probably a lot of self-delusion and repression going on inside me still but whatever. I kind of owe it to myself to be honest. Like, I really am trying to better to myself. But it's hard when I'm such a shitty person. Ha! ha! ha! Oh. No, I was thinking on the bus about how good I am at self-sabotage and how that's just probably because I don't think I deserve to be happy or successful even if I am capable of it.
Returning to escapism: It's not the best way to deal with negative feelings but to be honest I don't think it's unhealthy in and of itself. At least I'm aware of what I'm doing. It's bad because I use it to procrastinate but if it wasn't that, it'd be something else, you know? Most likely literally just lying in bed itemizing lists about what I dislike about myself. I've always been a fan of things, like I've always had that fan mentality of obsession and analysis. I've always liked things that made me irrelevant so to speak, in that I could participate without it being ABOUT me or have attention on me. lurk lurk lurk. And in general I think it's good to love things. It doesn't matter what. Love is good. I feel like a dead sad zombie robot so much of the time in real life. Art in all its forms and creators are safe and I've always been able to feel a lot toward them. I'm grateful that I can love something so much.
Okay well, let me heave myself out of my wallowing.
Daily SHINee affirmation: I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH OH MY GOD. THEY'RE ALL SO DUMB AND CUTE AND HARMLESS. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE, I DON'T CARE I LOVE THEM <3________<3
LOL I can't bleev I missed the "why must people compare Onew and Jonghyun's voices >:(" thread at the fics meme. MY PERSONAL AXE TO GRIND AAHHHH. Well it's probably a good thing I wasn't there, there is nothing I could've contributed besides yelling. And now I'm content enough knowing that other people are also ticked off by that omona brand of dumb hate.
I'm so obsessed with how people name their files. I think it's a holdover from that part in I think Cat's Cradle? where that one guy is tells that other guy that you can tell a lot about a person from how they set up the index to their book. (Listen it is very hard for me to remember things, I am a very important person.) Plus my own filenames uhh accurately reflect my state of mind at the time.
FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN WE FINALLY GOT SOME PICKCHURRS OF JONGHYUN ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND THE FIRST EVENT HE WAS OFFICIALLY AT:
Aaaand the batch of photos from that Children's Day music show:
Apropos nothing: Justin Bieber seems sweet but legit dumb. But sweet. But dumb.
I'm missing class even though I really shouldn't and I didn't WANT to miss class, my iPod broke open and I have tend to it. ;~~; It's also because I have work for four hours today and that shit is terrible without an iPod. I have such white people problems even though I am an xXaznXx. It's a dumb fucking reason to miss class. Why am I so bad at life? I'm so selfish and hung up on immediate gratification, can't think in the long term, so unreasonably drained from just being outside, always tired even though I don't do anything, etc. This is exactly how I was two, three, four years ago and although I know that I've grown up in a lot of ways, sometimes I think that I'm never going to be different. And there's no point in trying to move forward because I'll still always, always be me. This dumb, selfish fuck-up who... I mean. I just really hate myself sometimes. Most times.
I don't know how good all this escapism is in the long-run but it's like the only thing keeping me going these days. If I didn't have these media obsessions I would have nothing propping me up anymore and I would really collapse under the weight of my latent depression, self-hatred, etc. All the old feelings. If I give them the time, if they're able to carried out to their logical conclusion, then that's it for me. Black holes. All the old feelings, so familiar.
I try to be honest, if only to myself. Hence the blog. There's so much that I can't say to other people, either because I don't know how to talk to them or because I just can't say it out loud. "I'm so scared all the time." I turn those kinds of statements into judgments and haterade a lot but it does help to admit those kinds of things to myself. There's probably a lot of self-delusion and repression going on inside me still but whatever. I kind of owe it to myself to be honest. Like, I really am trying to better to myself. But it's hard when I'm such a shitty person. Ha! ha! ha! Oh. No, I was thinking on the bus about how good I am at self-sabotage and how that's just probably because I don't think I deserve to be happy or successful even if I am capable of it.
Returning to escapism: It's not the best way to deal with negative feelings but to be honest I don't think it's unhealthy in and of itself. At least I'm aware of what I'm doing. It's bad because I use it to procrastinate but if it wasn't that, it'd be something else, you know? Most likely literally just lying in bed itemizing lists about what I dislike about myself. I've always been a fan of things, like I've always had that fan mentality of obsession and analysis. I've always liked things that made me irrelevant so to speak, in that I could participate without it being ABOUT me or have attention on me. lurk lurk lurk. And in general I think it's good to love things. It doesn't matter what. Love is good. I feel like a dead sad zombie robot so much of the time in real life. Art in all its forms and creators are safe and I've always been able to feel a lot toward them. I'm grateful that I can love something so much.
Okay well, let me heave myself out of my wallowing.
Daily SHINee affirmation: I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH OH MY GOD. THEY'RE ALL SO DUMB AND CUTE AND HARMLESS. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE, I DON'T CARE I LOVE THEM <3________<3
LOL I can't bleev I missed the "why must people compare Onew and Jonghyun's voices >:(" thread at the fics meme. MY PERSONAL AXE TO GRIND AAHHHH. Well it's probably a good thing I wasn't there, there is nothing I could've contributed besides yelling. And now I'm content enough knowing that other people are also ticked off by that omona brand of dumb hate.
I'm so obsessed with how people name their files. I think it's a holdover from that part in I think Cat's Cradle? where that one guy is tells that other guy that you can tell a lot about a person from how they set up the index to their book. (Listen it is very hard for me to remember things, I am a very important person.) Plus my own filenames uhh accurately reflect my state of mind at the time.
FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN WE FINALLY GOT SOME PICKCHURRS OF JONGHYUN ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND THE FIRST EVENT HE WAS OFFICIALLY AT:
Aaaand the batch of photos from that Children's Day music show:
Apropos nothing: Justin Bieber seems sweet but legit dumb. But sweet. But dumb.
no subject
I don't know about you, but once one of my friends told me of her conception of feelings also being habits that you can fall into, I didn't feel so comfortable about my constant escapist habit. :( I don't want to make you feel bad, but I myself have been working for months and months, it's going to be a year soon, on getting myself into really accomplishing projects outside of fandom, in person with my family or friends. But hey, we're in similar situations, but at least you have daily goals you can set because you're still in school. I'm just kinda floating by daily with less structure than I really need.
Anyway... THESE FILENAMES ARE USELESS WITHOUT THUMBNAILS!!! "you look like an alien" "lol aw qt caption" "lost in a fucking sea omfg" "someone write this au" "you garlic bulb of a person" "stap eating the mic" all these, for example, I would like to see these photos please lol XD
I read that thread on omona, the one complaining about cdf getting on the show but not onu. I'm so mad about the way that poster made that comment too, "stop sucking his dick" UGH SO NEEDLESSLY DEROGATORY god i hate this fandom sometimes /seethe I hope Jjong goes on the show and is sweet beautiful amazing with his voice and maybe some goat bleating on the side, lmao. (someone on the meme once referred to his screechy singing as goat bleating and I can't stop the association now lol)
no subject
LOL the filenames. I'm pretty sure whatever you're imagining is better than the pictures themselves.
omona is the worst. So many people there are hateful and passive-aggressive and self-satisfied and bandwagon-y. Like what is the point of your existence?? GO AWAY. Ugh I'm so nervous for the idol show, I hope he doesn't try to force his voice too much. Haters will hate regardless but ;~~; LOL what I hear more than goat bleating is his weird nasal meowing. Strange child.
no subject
I wish all of the mods would step down or delete the place. I finally left. CHARMINGLY DERPY FELLOW, we're waiting for you~~ :)) lmao weird nasal meowing is such a precisely good way to put it puaahhahaha!