counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2011-07-01 02:46 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2011-07-01 02:46 pm
don't you know
I'm back home now!! The trip was okay even though I spent the three hour bus ride feeling cold and anxious (the train ride was better although I was surrounded by loud people). I got myself all worked up over the internet and fandom presence. idk why, I just got really anxious thinking about locking down the lj or whatever. I really don't want to be self-conscious on this here blog. Like I'm really really awkward and painfully self-aware in real life, I REALLY don't want to be like that online too. And it's not even that I'm 100% full-disclosure here or anything; there are lots of things I don't say and there are obviously deliberate ways I package and edit shit to be fit for public consumption. But it's enough so that I don't think I'm ever really misrepresenting myself. Like, I think that this is pretty much who I am, bad points and all. And I just want to be able to do what I want here without worrying. (Also, I totes take my lj friends for granted! I assume if you've friended me you already kind of know my deal and thus will be okay with constant spam. OH WELL.)
On reflection I don't know why I suddenly felt so threatened. I don't think I'm in any danger of needing to change my bloggeur spirit. But I was like worrying quietly to myself for like an hour and a half. I swear I just MAKE UP crises for myself.
Though I guess the deeper, umm actual problem is me caring too much about what other people think. I've got to suit up and be more hardy. I've got to go out there with my dick swinging!! And more ~slightly inappropriate metaphors.
I just checked my weight (I don't have a scale at the apartment) and I'm confused. There are two scales; one says that I've lost 10+ lbs since spring break (if that one's right HOLY SHIT I'm fucking UNDER 100 lbs??? WHAT THE FUCK) and the other one says that I've lost 5+ lbs. Either way, jesus I really need to take care of myself better. I knew I was losing weight but I didn't know it was by that much. Especially because I don't really look any different. Actually I guess that I've started looking even more disproportionate. :d Who knew that like... not eating could take such a toll!! Okay I feel gross about myself now. Get your shit together.
The house is in complete disarray. There is an explosion of stuff in every single room. Also our cat was trying to eat my brother's pants yesterday. Ah, beautiful sweet home.
Compiling more old never posted entries so I can delete them!! Neurotic.
Aug. 23, 2010
Jul. 4, 2010
Mar. 6, 2010
On reflection I don't know why I suddenly felt so threatened. I don't think I'm in any danger of needing to change my bloggeur spirit. But I was like worrying quietly to myself for like an hour and a half. I swear I just MAKE UP crises for myself.
Though I guess the deeper, umm actual problem is me caring too much about what other people think. I've got to suit up and be more hardy. I've got to go out there with my dick swinging!! And more ~slightly inappropriate metaphors.
I just checked my weight (I don't have a scale at the apartment) and I'm confused. There are two scales; one says that I've lost 10+ lbs since spring break (if that one's right HOLY SHIT I'm fucking UNDER 100 lbs??? WHAT THE FUCK) and the other one says that I've lost 5+ lbs. Either way, jesus I really need to take care of myself better. I knew I was losing weight but I didn't know it was by that much. Especially because I don't really look any different. Actually I guess that I've started looking even more disproportionate. :d Who knew that like... not eating could take such a toll!! Okay I feel gross about myself now. Get your shit together.
The house is in complete disarray. There is an explosion of stuff in every single room. Also our cat was trying to eat my brother's pants yesterday. Ah, beautiful sweet home.
Compiling more old never posted entries so I can delete them!! Neurotic.
Aug. 23, 2010
I don't even know how this works anymore!! I open this page and then I start... talking...?
I am punching myself in the head all day, every day wrt the fall and the apartment. I hate this fucking apartment. No one will even be IN L.A. until mid-September but we've already had to pay three months' rent. Fuck this shit.
I'm technically admitted into UCLA, but it's provisional; I have to finish some incomplete coursework. I've done minimal work on it but I am trying not to fall into old habits and so on and such like and there forth and tally ho and hither and yon.
I heard this song for the first time in Borders and I was going freaking bonkers trying to figure out who it was. The voice sounded familiar but the music didn't quite match up with it. I thought it might be a new Evan and Jaron song (it could happen!) and I got kind of excited. But it was Band of Horses! Yeah cool story bro. (editor's note: Band of Horses' Laredo)
Every paragraph so far has started with 'I'. Augh!
I am punching myself in the head all day, every day wrt the fall and the apartment. I hate this fucking apartment. No one will even be IN L.A. until mid-September but we've already had to pay three months' rent. Fuck this shit.
I'm technically admitted into UCLA, but it's provisional; I have to finish some incomplete coursework. I've done minimal work on it but I am trying not to fall into old habits and so on and such like and there forth and tally ho and hither and yon.
I heard this song for the first time in Borders and I was going freaking bonkers trying to figure out who it was. The voice sounded familiar but the music didn't quite match up with it. I thought it might be a new Evan and Jaron song (it could happen!) and I got kind of excited. But it was Band of Horses! Yeah cool story bro. (editor's note: Band of Horses' Laredo)
Every paragraph so far has started with 'I'. Augh!
Jul. 4, 2010
I had a scuffle, a tiff if you will, with my mom just now. My insides are my internet-outsides!! No, this time just a few salient points:
- I'M DUMB
I guess that's it.
I watched Ponyo on the Cliff today! I really loved it. It is such a singular and unique retelling of a fairy tale, just so completely HIS. Hayao Miyazaki captures something essential about children, a strength and a willingness to be strong, a sweetness and a pure human decency. And he draws it to the adults as well, so that the gulf between childhood and adulthood is not vast and life-changing. Parents understand their children. This matter-of-fact love is made possible by the nature surrounding them. (editor's note: I don't remember what I was trying to say with this, but I'm guessing I meant that nature is always fundamental to the story in his movies. It's more than scenery, more than a sense of place. It shapes how his characters are able to move and act through the story.) I think that's why the adventures in his movies are not all high fantasy and the antagonists aren't villains. The stories are also in sailing a boat across the town, or going through a tunnel holding someone's hand, or exploring a new house, or filling up a bathtub, or going grocery shopping. (editor's note: I'm rly dissatisfed with this entry, I'm not saying what I want to say. Hmph.)
I think starting from Spirted Away, the spectacle is the story. It's an interesting shift. (editor's note: Not sure how I feel about it. My two favorite Miyazaki movies are My Neighbor Totoro and Princess Mononoke, and though they both had fantastical imagery, the stories weren't defined by them the way, like, Howl's Moving Castle and Ponyo on the Cliff were.)
Also I hated Howl's Moving Castle. HATED. (editor's note: Yes, I still hate this movie. My sister and I couldn't believe how bad it was when we watched it. Even if I hadn't loved the book, I would've still hated the movie because it made no sense either on its own or as an adaptation. WHAT THE FUCK Hayao Miyazaki.)
Apr. 8, 2010- I'M DUMB
I guess that's it.
I watched Ponyo on the Cliff today! I really loved it. It is such a singular and unique retelling of a fairy tale, just so completely HIS. Hayao Miyazaki captures something essential about children, a strength and a willingness to be strong, a sweetness and a pure human decency. And he draws it to the adults as well, so that the gulf between childhood and adulthood is not vast and life-changing. Parents understand their children. This matter-of-fact love is made possible by the nature surrounding them. (editor's note: I don't remember what I was trying to say with this, but I'm guessing I meant that nature is always fundamental to the story in his movies. It's more than scenery, more than a sense of place. It shapes how his characters are able to move and act through the story.) I think that's why the adventures in his movies are not all high fantasy and the antagonists aren't villains. The stories are also in sailing a boat across the town, or going through a tunnel holding someone's hand, or exploring a new house, or filling up a bathtub, or going grocery shopping. (editor's note: I'm rly dissatisfed with this entry, I'm not saying what I want to say. Hmph.)
I think starting from Spirted Away, the spectacle is the story. It's an interesting shift. (editor's note: Not sure how I feel about it. My two favorite Miyazaki movies are My Neighbor Totoro and Princess Mononoke, and though they both had fantastical imagery, the stories weren't defined by them the way, like, Howl's Moving Castle and Ponyo on the Cliff were.)
Also I hated Howl's Moving Castle. HATED. (editor's note: Yes, I still hate this movie. My sister and I couldn't believe how bad it was when we watched it. Even if I hadn't loved the book, I would've still hated the movie because it made no sense either on its own or as an adaptation. WHAT THE FUCK Hayao Miyazaki.)
I have been more out of sorts than usual lately. Last night I had a dream that I was back in school. Of course I failed all my classes (mostly because I didn't realize I had any classes) and I couldn't sign up for new ones. I dream about college the way teenagers have nightmares about high school. It's so dumb. The dream also helpfully included the part where I had to go to the library and barter back my job, complete with random people remembering who I was and asking why I wasn't there for the past year.
So I'm stressed about what will happen this fall.
So I'm stressed about what will happen this fall.
Mar. 6, 2010
... Yesterday I stayed up till 6 AM reading a 34-chapter epic Trigun detective/serial killer AU. I didn't even understand what was happening near the end, I was so insensate and tired. And of course I had weird serial killer dreams. I think Johnny Weir was involved at some point. ????
I'm getting really fucking sick of Yahoo's stupid sexist ~featured pages. How many fucking times will they put up some variation of "How to Be a Better Girlfriend" or whatever? Jesus christ. (editor's note: Last week I saw an article called "How to avoid crushing his ego" or some shit like that. God Yahoo just fuck off.)
I'm getting really fucking sick of Yahoo's stupid sexist ~featured pages. How many fucking times will they put up some variation of "How to Be a Better Girlfriend" or whatever? Jesus christ. (editor's note: Last week I saw an article called "How to avoid crushing his ego" or some shit like that. God Yahoo just fuck off.)