counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2011-07-13 12:38 am
kerpingtack) wrote2011-07-13 12:38 am
Entry tags:
humors and tumors
As far as Mondays go, yesterday was pretty nice! Even though it was tiring and I got sick. I stayed up really really REALLY late on Sunday for no reason and I had to go to my prof's office hours before class but she never showed up, and it turned out class was cancelled too. So I moved my work hours up and got to come back to the apt early. I passed out in a stupor after eating a cheap delicious burrito and half a loaf of cheap delicious French bread with cheap delicious knockoff Nutella.
I have saved the same exact picture FOUR SEPARATE TIMES. In the same folder too. LOL what is wrong with me.
I like watching youtube makeup tutorials because I'm a creeper who likes staring at pretty girls be competent about shit. I'm so intimidated by makeup and I'm in awe of like everyone who uses it lol because it seems like for the most part everyone figures things out by themselves. Even with tutorials, like, they can't use the exact products so they adapt it and whatnot. And the tutorials themselves are often looks inspired by other things so there's obvious thought and experimentation there. idk it seems to be a balance between artistic creativity and function and I really love shit like that. Plus I like the thought of girls putting thought and effort into makeup, clothes etc. because I think it shows that they put it on because they want to, not because they feel like they have to. Fashion and cosmetics are female domains and they're used in oppressive ways by advertising and the like. But they're not inherently degrading and I like that they can be a passion, or an everyday fun hobby, or a skill, or an art form, or a way to make you feel good about yourself (& express that confidence), or all of the above.
Greta Salpeter (now Greta Morgan?? whyyy I hate when ~musical artists have multiple names and Greta Salpeter already sounds so perfect)'s solo project, Gold Motel, has that contrived low-tech indie sound that really annoys me. It's all tinny ugh. Her voice sounds kinda watered down too. I don't like it when girls with strong voices put on affectations that hide their abilities, like fucking Regina Spektor (I know that bitch can sing properly why must she sound like that) and Zooey Deschanel in She & Him (that project is sf boring and soulless wat the fuck). I was ready to check out of it until the VERY LAST SONG. Fuck me, Summer House is good. And the lyrics are very Greta to me. She's really very quite good. I forgot how talented she was. I have a post I never finished from my bandom days about how conflicted and jelly I was of her bc she's so pretty and smart and comfy with her body and can sing so well and play so many different instruments AND was my age. That shit will kill you. "Some say, love's a burning building; love's a sinking ship -- but I like the heat, I like the noise." Oh man, Greta, you know what the fuck you want. "At the summer house, at the summer house, I'm curvin' like the ocean toward you... no matter what you say, no matter what you say, I'm curvin' like the ocean toward you." I love this song.
One of the major freeways here is going to be closed this weekend for construction of some sort. There are all these signs reminding people about it with headlines like "Prepare! It's coming soon!" LOL I'm scared. Thank god I don't have a life and don't need to go anywhere on the weekend. I'm gonna hole up in the apartment for 48+ hours and emerge into the outside world squinting like a baby mole as usual on Monday.
Later this week I'm going to buy a cheap summer dress for my aunt's 60th bday party. I have a gift card for Forever 21 and I am excited to use it. LOL all my clothes are either my mom's old clothes, from Forever 21, or from Macy's sales racks. Occasional guest appearances by clothes from Gap/Old Navy outlet stores.
The bus on Saturday was unusually crowded because there were a bunch of white kids coming in from the beach. They looked like a Billabong ad and they didn't know how to ride the bus; they all stood in a clump near the front and wouldn't move back further. One of the girls was really pretty and another one was really freckly and ugh looking at them made me mad. Buses are for people who don't give a shit and who know how to make room for other people you dumb pretty bitches, get outtttttttt.
What is going on with the flow of this entry. Whatever! I was walking to the bus stop the other day and I was weirdly struck dumb when I passed under this small tree at the side of the road. It was pretty ordinary and it wasn't new to me; I've passed it many times before, but it really grabbed me that day. The branches were curved like arms in a crooked oval with smaller flowering branches. It looked like a frame or a window or a circle loom braced up against the sky. idk sometimes it's like there are moments where the world picks up like a hyperclarity or a surrealness and that moment was one of them. It made me feel... not exactly emotional but... like it made me think about how real life can be really beautiful without standards or expectations or intentions. Like that tree wasn't picturesque or anything, it seriously was just an ordinary little thing, but it was pretty outside of any easily explainable way. Uh obviously, see this overly long paragraph for reference. idk. I looked at it again yesterday, thinking that it was a weird soppy mood that made me *o* before, but I still found it really unaffectedly beautiful!
I've done nothing all day and I will do nothing my entire life. I like being melancholy too much, probably. I wish I could just be happy with myself. Why do I have to think about it so much? I want it to come to me naturally. But it's probably something you have to work at. It's probably a lifetime thing. It feels like one anyway. I'm listening to the Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind soundtrack right now and it reminds me of high school. I had a lot of hope for myself before college. But there was really nothing I could have done differently. I knew a lot less then. I was who I was and I acted accordingly. I am who I am and I act accordingly. If I accept this, am I being complacent or just kind to myself? Sometimes I think I am a good person and that I have something valuable inside me. This feeling makes me really sad though and it passes quickly; I'm almost relieved. I remember two years ago when I walked around thinking "I've ruined myself" for weeks. Ah I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I actually do think I have a lot of love to give but I'm pretty good at being lonely now. What will become of me!
I have saved the same exact picture FOUR SEPARATE TIMES. In the same folder too. LOL what is wrong with me.
I like watching youtube makeup tutorials because I'm a creeper who likes staring at pretty girls be competent about shit. I'm so intimidated by makeup and I'm in awe of like everyone who uses it lol because it seems like for the most part everyone figures things out by themselves. Even with tutorials, like, they can't use the exact products so they adapt it and whatnot. And the tutorials themselves are often looks inspired by other things so there's obvious thought and experimentation there. idk it seems to be a balance between artistic creativity and function and I really love shit like that. Plus I like the thought of girls putting thought and effort into makeup, clothes etc. because I think it shows that they put it on because they want to, not because they feel like they have to. Fashion and cosmetics are female domains and they're used in oppressive ways by advertising and the like. But they're not inherently degrading and I like that they can be a passion, or an everyday fun hobby, or a skill, or an art form, or a way to make you feel good about yourself (& express that confidence), or all of the above.
Greta Salpeter (now Greta Morgan?? whyyy I hate when ~musical artists have multiple names and Greta Salpeter already sounds so perfect)'s solo project, Gold Motel, has that contrived low-tech indie sound that really annoys me. It's all tinny ugh. Her voice sounds kinda watered down too. I don't like it when girls with strong voices put on affectations that hide their abilities, like fucking Regina Spektor (I know that bitch can sing properly why must she sound like that) and Zooey Deschanel in She & Him (that project is sf boring and soulless wat the fuck). I was ready to check out of it until the VERY LAST SONG. Fuck me, Summer House is good. And the lyrics are very Greta to me. She's really very quite good. I forgot how talented she was. I have a post I never finished from my bandom days about how conflicted and jelly I was of her bc she's so pretty and smart and comfy with her body and can sing so well and play so many different instruments AND was my age. That shit will kill you. "Some say, love's a burning building; love's a sinking ship -- but I like the heat, I like the noise." Oh man, Greta, you know what the fuck you want. "At the summer house, at the summer house, I'm curvin' like the ocean toward you... no matter what you say, no matter what you say, I'm curvin' like the ocean toward you." I love this song.
One of the major freeways here is going to be closed this weekend for construction of some sort. There are all these signs reminding people about it with headlines like "Prepare! It's coming soon!" LOL I'm scared. Thank god I don't have a life and don't need to go anywhere on the weekend. I'm gonna hole up in the apartment for 48+ hours and emerge into the outside world squinting like a baby mole as usual on Monday.
Later this week I'm going to buy a cheap summer dress for my aunt's 60th bday party. I have a gift card for Forever 21 and I am excited to use it. LOL all my clothes are either my mom's old clothes, from Forever 21, or from Macy's sales racks. Occasional guest appearances by clothes from Gap/Old Navy outlet stores.
The bus on Saturday was unusually crowded because there were a bunch of white kids coming in from the beach. They looked like a Billabong ad and they didn't know how to ride the bus; they all stood in a clump near the front and wouldn't move back further. One of the girls was really pretty and another one was really freckly and ugh looking at them made me mad. Buses are for people who don't give a shit and who know how to make room for other people you dumb pretty bitches, get outtttttttt.
What is going on with the flow of this entry. Whatever! I was walking to the bus stop the other day and I was weirdly struck dumb when I passed under this small tree at the side of the road. It was pretty ordinary and it wasn't new to me; I've passed it many times before, but it really grabbed me that day. The branches were curved like arms in a crooked oval with smaller flowering branches. It looked like a frame or a window or a circle loom braced up against the sky. idk sometimes it's like there are moments where the world picks up like a hyperclarity or a surrealness and that moment was one of them. It made me feel... not exactly emotional but... like it made me think about how real life can be really beautiful without standards or expectations or intentions. Like that tree wasn't picturesque or anything, it seriously was just an ordinary little thing, but it was pretty outside of any easily explainable way. Uh obviously, see this overly long paragraph for reference. idk. I looked at it again yesterday, thinking that it was a weird soppy mood that made me *o* before, but I still found it really unaffectedly beautiful!
I've done nothing all day and I will do nothing my entire life. I like being melancholy too much, probably. I wish I could just be happy with myself. Why do I have to think about it so much? I want it to come to me naturally. But it's probably something you have to work at. It's probably a lifetime thing. It feels like one anyway. I'm listening to the Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind soundtrack right now and it reminds me of high school. I had a lot of hope for myself before college. But there was really nothing I could have done differently. I knew a lot less then. I was who I was and I acted accordingly. I am who I am and I act accordingly. If I accept this, am I being complacent or just kind to myself? Sometimes I think I am a good person and that I have something valuable inside me. This feeling makes me really sad though and it passes quickly; I'm almost relieved. I remember two years ago when I walked around thinking "I've ruined myself" for weeks. Ah I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I actually do think I have a lot of love to give but I'm pretty good at being lonely now. What will become of me!
no subject
Sometimes I think I am a good person and that I have something valuable inside me. This feeling makes me really sad though and it passes quickly; I'm almost relieved. why does it make you sad? i think being a good person and doing good things are two things independent of each other. i personally have really struggled with that because i've realized that i'm just a strange person and while i don't think i'm a bad person i don't necessarily go out of my way to /be/ good all the time, it would wear me out, i just try to be mindful of others and i think that's good enough. i think everyone has something valueable to them it's just sometimes hard to figure it out when there's so much noise around it. lol that sounds weird and trippy idek.
no subject
I guess it makes me sad bc I feel like I don't know how to express that goodness, or that I'm wasting potential and that makes me really anxious. And I've spent a long time convinced that I was a shitty person, idk I'm almost comfortable with it now and thinking hopeful things is scary to me. !! I used to be really hung up on that distinction too. idk I still have fits where I think I'm a cold bitch bc I can't get over myself enough to do anything actively. I think everyone has value too, but yeah it's hard to see what or how to unearth it. idk sorry about these entries! I'm not having the best of times this summer and this is how I deal lol.
no subject
no subject
Personal velocity makes so much sense to me. Then it's about finding and accepting your own standards? It's hard to be okay with your pace if it's slower than that of the people around you though. I know I'm young but it seems like I'm already so far behind. Even within my family I feel my slowness bc my mom and sister are both very productive and good people who like to DO things, and do them for other people. idk ultimately it's like I'm not even built in a way that lets me be functional. Like college has been so, so difficult for me but it comes to my sister easily. I know it's ALL relative and many people struggle more and worse and some drop out, but that doesn't really change what I SHOULD be doing.
but you can't really waste something you don't know you have? / like, how can you be wasting something if you don't even know what's going on?
No, it's not mean at all, actually I think those are questions that my heart has been asking for years or smth. It's kind of exhilarating to hear it put that way and said out loud lol. ahh I don't know, thank you again. I really often feel better and less alone after I talk to you about whatever topic. awkward heart here
no subject
i think should is such a terrible word because it makes you feel like you're forever behind on things or not accomplishing anything real. and that's almost like half-living and it makes you so open to doubt and sadness. i'm reading this book rn, about cbt, and in it the author writes; Should statements generate a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil in your daily life. When the reality of your own behavior falls short of your standards, your shoulds and shouldn'ts create self-loathing, shame, and guilt. When the all-too-human performance of other people falls short of your expectations, as will inevitably happen from time to time, you'll feel bitter and self-righteous. which makes sense to me. whenever i've had these super crippling waves of doubt and insecurity it's because i feel like i should be doing something more important with my life or just something else rly. you're the only person who knows how to be you so who can really judge you and say you need to be quicker or progress faster? and i think a lot of the time we're our own worst enemy bc it's almost always easier to give into the negative things we think about ourselves instead of being brave enough to think kindly of ourselves.
tl;dr idek. & you're really sweet, i like talking to you c: you make me use my brain for other things than jonghyun lol ♥
no subject