counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2013-06-24 06:14 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2013-06-24 06:14 pm
Entry tags:
sunday to monday
twitter runoff
the times i spent marveling at the miracle of a living thing i could touch and love so much, a being i could take care of and help; feeling the comforting weight of that life; feeling so desperately lucky, and wanting to be a person who belonged with it.
what will i be, when i can't handle even this loss and i can't find out what happened. it's true, isn't it. i don't have the strength or bravery. now is the time to build it. but i quail away.
when i went to the county animal shelter with my sister on friday we saw an entire cage of dead cats. it was a mom and two/three kittens and they had all died somehow while they were in there. my sister told one of the workers there. i was too scared to do anything, though if i had been alone i would've made myself tell someone too. so many things could've happened to chorong. i don't know how to know or how to find him. the dead on arrival/early euthanasia records are so long.
130625
i'm just too stupid. am i even a person? what the hell am i? if i care, why don't i feel what's right. am i making too big a deal out of this, or is this exactly what is important to me, no more and definitely no less? what is the use of feeling when it can't pull me out of my fear, or is just framing that question a bullshit mechanism to keep myself in a cycle... do i let go, or what does it mean to let go?
i just feel like there are so many things that could have happened, but there are also so many things that COULD still happen - but do i have to MAKE it happen? is it all just out of my control, do i put my faith in an animal...
i think "he's probably dead" literally dozens of times a day, and sometimes i think of the most gruesome scenario possible. the worst would be knowing that he died in a way he could've been saved from if i had done something more, though. and sometimes i fantasize about him traveling too. tall and strong and healthy, his flagpole of a tail raised up, with the devil's own luck.
it's all horrible. i have nothing in my life so i just keep thinking about this. i'm sensitive in a way that's utterly useless... it doesn't give me empathy or make me kind, it just turns me into a vortex of self-centeredness and craziness
130705
i am full of much more hope and memory than i thought, but it's not good in this context bc it hurts continuously. "lol" :c
i still hate myself and still think there is no point of me being alive. i just forget periodically. ~distorted thinking~
chorong is dead and/or otherwise gone. i know it's not my fault but i feel like a failure. all my feelings come from me and my way of thinking and i don't know what to do with them. things hurt me so badly sometimes and it's bc i let it? or what? just sitting and crying outside. my main activity for the summer. i don't know why i hoped so much he'd be back today or why i could see it so clearly.
ok hysteria over. surry that i use twitter to dump everything out @___@
the times i spent marveling at the miracle of a living thing i could touch and love so much, a being i could take care of and help; feeling the comforting weight of that life; feeling so desperately lucky, and wanting to be a person who belonged with it.
what will i be, when i can't handle even this loss and i can't find out what happened. it's true, isn't it. i don't have the strength or bravery. now is the time to build it. but i quail away.
when i went to the county animal shelter with my sister on friday we saw an entire cage of dead cats. it was a mom and two/three kittens and they had all died somehow while they were in there. my sister told one of the workers there. i was too scared to do anything, though if i had been alone i would've made myself tell someone too. so many things could've happened to chorong. i don't know how to know or how to find him. the dead on arrival/early euthanasia records are so long.
130625
i'm just too stupid. am i even a person? what the hell am i? if i care, why don't i feel what's right. am i making too big a deal out of this, or is this exactly what is important to me, no more and definitely no less? what is the use of feeling when it can't pull me out of my fear, or is just framing that question a bullshit mechanism to keep myself in a cycle... do i let go, or what does it mean to let go?
i just feel like there are so many things that could have happened, but there are also so many things that COULD still happen - but do i have to MAKE it happen? is it all just out of my control, do i put my faith in an animal...
i think "he's probably dead" literally dozens of times a day, and sometimes i think of the most gruesome scenario possible. the worst would be knowing that he died in a way he could've been saved from if i had done something more, though. and sometimes i fantasize about him traveling too. tall and strong and healthy, his flagpole of a tail raised up, with the devil's own luck.
it's all horrible. i have nothing in my life so i just keep thinking about this. i'm sensitive in a way that's utterly useless... it doesn't give me empathy or make me kind, it just turns me into a vortex of self-centeredness and craziness
130705
i am full of much more hope and memory than i thought, but it's not good in this context bc it hurts continuously. "lol" :c
i still hate myself and still think there is no point of me being alive. i just forget periodically. ~distorted thinking~
chorong is dead and/or otherwise gone. i know it's not my fault but i feel like a failure. all my feelings come from me and my way of thinking and i don't know what to do with them. things hurt me so badly sometimes and it's bc i let it? or what? just sitting and crying outside. my main activity for the summer. i don't know why i hoped so much he'd be back today or why i could see it so clearly.
ok hysteria over. surry that i use twitter to dump everything out @___@