counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2013-07-31 05:16 am
kerpingtack) wrote2013-07-31 05:16 am
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4:20 aaaaaay emmmm @___@
I used to write lj entries all the time, it was just what I did when I was bored or how I processed things or... idk, I just used to think in entries too. It's different now. My thoughts and feelings are sort of stoppered up. Too much to explain, too much unknown, too much that I've already said before and have become tired of saying.
I know I shouldn't feel bad about feeling bad, and I know that I shouldn't think in "shouldn't"s, and I know that I should stop circling everything back around on itself. But when has knowing helped anything? Yet I can't leave the concept alone; that knowing is better than being unaware, at the very least.
I am still really depressed at my cat being gone. I think I would have been okay, actually - a couple of weeks ago I felt like I had done everything I could, and there was nothing to do but wait for either news or for time to heal things over. Except I saw a post on craigslist last Monday that reinforced and combined all my worst paranoid fears, and it's been destroying me. I thought I had a breakthrough a couple of days ago - I resolved my turmoil by thinking "Chorong had FLUTD/FUS, and the stress would have killed him quickly, so he isn't suffering now." But as it turns out, having to constantly wish for his death is pretty painful too. And I haven't accepted it fully anyway. It's always, "IF he's still alive then..." I am equal parts hope and morbidity.
What do I really want? Do I want peace of mind, or do I DESPERATELY and concretely want to find him? Do I believe he can still be found? Because then I should... be DOING things. Instead of avoiding it all because it hurts, or I'm too tired, or weak. It's connected to how I feel useless and overprivileged/complacent in general. Like when I go on crying jags, I always start thinking of things like Guantanamo Bay and police brutality, lol... I am ridiculous. What good is awareness if I don't act on it, if all I do is acknowledge things? I can't even deal with day to day life most of the time though.
I miss having a cat around, and I want to "save" some cats from the shelters (the city one - black kitten with green eyes, a multicolored kitten who's almost lavendar in some parts; the county one - grey cat). But I don't want to replace Chorong, and in the case that he does come back... idk. Like. There's no point in trying to calculate the chances or rationalize it. Oh I don't know. Wanting to "save" anything is a dangerous and faulty-from-the-start concept. A couple of weeks ago, as I was driving my mom to the airport, on the freeway I saw something tumbling across the far right lane. I thought it was a newspaper blowing around as cars drove past, but it was a tiny grey kitten running to the shoulder. It made it there alive.
People need religion, or an idea of what happens after death/what life is for, because the amount of pain in the world, the worry... maybe people don't NEED it as a rule, haha. I just don't know even know how to process death or related matters.
A few weeks ago... man, I guess it's been about a month, I was like frustrated to the point of tears because I really felt like, "I can't believe my cat is gone and I have to hang out with a stupid BOY instead." I depended too much on Chorong to calm me down after the daily confusing tightrope of Being Outside and Interacting With People. I really loved him and I loved caring for him. In his absence I feel my loneliness and physical social isolation fully. I as a person can't depend on an animal like that, but you can't depend on people either. That's my mom's philosophy. Her answer is then that only God can be trusted, because people are so imperfect. And also that even if you really love someone and want to protect them, and even if you do your best, it's no guarantee. God is the only one you can rely on. Of course I don't believe in God, and I can't trust other people, or the unfolding of the universe in general - the other answer is kinda, "cause I lost all my faith in science - so I put my faith in me." And I definitely can't do that.
I guess that's the sum of my problems, at this juncture in my life. Fearful, faithless. "I wander about alone."
Some sad thoughts about animals and how human beings have created a world of violence for them, violence on a level animals haven't evolved for and that they cannot possibly overcome. Violence that provides them deaths with no dignity or acknowledgment that they were ever alive. Like, they just stay on the side of the street until some other people call some other people to take away the body, or the body just gets continually crushed into a stain. That doesn't even touch the deliberate cruelty. People who look for stray animals or for people giving away animals for free, to use for whatever purpose... that craigslist post, jesus.
Last week I also cried in the car a few times while listening to music, out of gratitude that I could enjoy something and be ~in~ it right at the moment. This summer has been about crying over everything, basically.
It's now 5:10 am. Ahhh. I have to be up in... an hour. Hahahahaaaaaaaa.
I used to write lj entries all the time, it was just what I did when I was bored or how I processed things or... idk, I just used to think in entries too. It's different now. My thoughts and feelings are sort of stoppered up. Too much to explain, too much unknown, too much that I've already said before and have become tired of saying.
I know I shouldn't feel bad about feeling bad, and I know that I shouldn't think in "shouldn't"s, and I know that I should stop circling everything back around on itself. But when has knowing helped anything? Yet I can't leave the concept alone; that knowing is better than being unaware, at the very least.
I am still really depressed at my cat being gone. I think I would have been okay, actually - a couple of weeks ago I felt like I had done everything I could, and there was nothing to do but wait for either news or for time to heal things over. Except I saw a post on craigslist last Monday that reinforced and combined all my worst paranoid fears, and it's been destroying me. I thought I had a breakthrough a couple of days ago - I resolved my turmoil by thinking "Chorong had FLUTD/FUS, and the stress would have killed him quickly, so he isn't suffering now." But as it turns out, having to constantly wish for his death is pretty painful too. And I haven't accepted it fully anyway. It's always, "IF he's still alive then..." I am equal parts hope and morbidity.
What do I really want? Do I want peace of mind, or do I DESPERATELY and concretely want to find him? Do I believe he can still be found? Because then I should... be DOING things. Instead of avoiding it all because it hurts, or I'm too tired, or weak. It's connected to how I feel useless and overprivileged/complacent in general. Like when I go on crying jags, I always start thinking of things like Guantanamo Bay and police brutality, lol... I am ridiculous. What good is awareness if I don't act on it, if all I do is acknowledge things? I can't even deal with day to day life most of the time though.
I miss having a cat around, and I want to "save" some cats from the shelters (the city one - black kitten with green eyes, a multicolored kitten who's almost lavendar in some parts; the county one - grey cat). But I don't want to replace Chorong, and in the case that he does come back... idk. Like. There's no point in trying to calculate the chances or rationalize it. Oh I don't know. Wanting to "save" anything is a dangerous and faulty-from-the-start concept. A couple of weeks ago, as I was driving my mom to the airport, on the freeway I saw something tumbling across the far right lane. I thought it was a newspaper blowing around as cars drove past, but it was a tiny grey kitten running to the shoulder. It made it there alive.
People need religion, or an idea of what happens after death/what life is for, because the amount of pain in the world, the worry... maybe people don't NEED it as a rule, haha. I just don't know even know how to process death or related matters.
A few weeks ago... man, I guess it's been about a month, I was like frustrated to the point of tears because I really felt like, "I can't believe my cat is gone and I have to hang out with a stupid BOY instead." I depended too much on Chorong to calm me down after the daily confusing tightrope of Being Outside and Interacting With People. I really loved him and I loved caring for him. In his absence I feel my loneliness and physical social isolation fully. I as a person can't depend on an animal like that, but you can't depend on people either. That's my mom's philosophy. Her answer is then that only God can be trusted, because people are so imperfect. And also that even if you really love someone and want to protect them, and even if you do your best, it's no guarantee. God is the only one you can rely on. Of course I don't believe in God, and I can't trust other people, or the unfolding of the universe in general - the other answer is kinda, "cause I lost all my faith in science - so I put my faith in me." And I definitely can't do that.
I guess that's the sum of my problems, at this juncture in my life. Fearful, faithless. "I wander about alone."
Some sad thoughts about animals and how human beings have created a world of violence for them, violence on a level animals haven't evolved for and that they cannot possibly overcome. Violence that provides them deaths with no dignity or acknowledgment that they were ever alive. Like, they just stay on the side of the street until some other people call some other people to take away the body, or the body just gets continually crushed into a stain. That doesn't even touch the deliberate cruelty. People who look for stray animals or for people giving away animals for free, to use for whatever purpose... that craigslist post, jesus.
Last week I also cried in the car a few times while listening to music, out of gratitude that I could enjoy something and be ~in~ it right at the moment. This summer has been about crying over everything, basically.
It's now 5:10 am. Ahhh. I have to be up in... an hour. Hahahahaaaaaaaa.