counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2017-12-21 02:15 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2017-12-21 02:15 pm
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the first time i heard your voice, moonlight burst into the room
I have been thinking about Jonghyun continuously this week, talking with many dear friends, and reading other people's comments. This post doesn't... it doesn't consolidate or reflect upon any of that. The impulse to make a separate post is almost performative, in that it's not about communicating or interacting with anyone. But I like having a record of where I was at a point in time, one that's less transitory than a twitter/mastodon post.
Oh I still don't know. I still can't reach for words. This is a traumatic death and the moment of re-realizing it - every morning, and a thousand small times throughout the day, as I reach for a drink of water, as I think about texting my sister, as I turn my head - feels like being gripped by pure cold. It's like brushing against a nerve, or another reality, and it scares me each time.
Yesterday - "yesterday" in US Pacific time - there were a lot of events that gave different kinds of closure. Waves and waves of pain and love, over and over. Above all, I love SHINee so much. Seeing and hearing the members helped me turn a corner. How lucky we are to know and have known any of them, to be given the chance to love them. In all the world, of all the people and the time possible - just how sheer-facedly lucky. I'll do anything to support them whatever they do now.
종현아 너무 감사해. 종현이 위에서 아무것도 못 해서 미안하고. 그렇게 아프게 살아서 미안해. 나는 바보같이 몰랐어. 종현이가 너무 착해서 우리들한태도 걱정을 별로 안들이고 우리를 생각해주고. 종현이 모든것이 충분했어. 충분너멌어. 우리한태 줬는것이 너무 많아. 내 인생은 종현이 때문에 밝았어. 영원이 사랑해. 더 이상 아프지마. 편하게 행복하게 쉬세요. 수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요. 그댄 나의 자랑이죠.
Oh I still don't know. I still can't reach for words. This is a traumatic death and the moment of re-realizing it - every morning, and a thousand small times throughout the day, as I reach for a drink of water, as I think about texting my sister, as I turn my head - feels like being gripped by pure cold. It's like brushing against a nerve, or another reality, and it scares me each time.
Yesterday - "yesterday" in US Pacific time - there were a lot of events that gave different kinds of closure. Waves and waves of pain and love, over and over. Above all, I love SHINee so much. Seeing and hearing the members helped me turn a corner. How lucky we are to know and have known any of them, to be given the chance to love them. In all the world, of all the people and the time possible - just how sheer-facedly lucky. I'll do anything to support them whatever they do now.
종현아 너무 감사해. 종현이 위에서 아무것도 못 해서 미안하고. 그렇게 아프게 살아서 미안해. 나는 바보같이 몰랐어. 종현이가 너무 착해서 우리들한태도 걱정을 별로 안들이고 우리를 생각해주고. 종현이 모든것이 충분했어. 충분너멌어. 우리한태 줬는것이 너무 많아. 내 인생은 종현이 때문에 밝았어. 영원이 사랑해. 더 이상 아프지마. 편하게 행복하게 쉬세요. 수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요. 그댄 나의 자랑이죠.