counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2011-06-25 08:21 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2011-06-25 08:21 pm
this is annoying ignore at will
God I am so fucking tired of myself and the things I think about, the way I think about them, the fact I have to write them down, etc. (This sentence is the epitome of this. I'm tired of complaining about myself and that I deal with it by complaining about the complaint, and so on and so forth.)
creeping on babies whilst on the bus:
There was a guy with a baby like Thursday morning. I'm assuming he was the father. I like seeing dads out alone with their babies because they're always strapped up to hell and back with backpacks and diaper bags and strollers. This dude had all of that, and an afro and huge clunky red-framed sunglasses. When the guy got off he lifted his kid into the air over and over again before putting him in the stroller and they were making each other laugh. Fuck the world is really nice sometimes.
Also on my way back from campus the bus was stuck awkwardly in the middle of the big crosswalk and I saw this lady with her baby in one of those slings that go in front of the stomach. The baby was so sweet looking and the wind blew its bangs off its forehead and my heart flew out the window.
I'm like very hyper-aware of myself in all these different ways but I still don't understand who I am at all. But I don't feel like I understand ANYTHING, so. End of sentence.
I'm doing quite badly so far this summer. It feels a lot like two years ago, and two years ago was really really terrible for me. (If I write it out: starting the antidepressants, fracturing my ankle, failing my entire spring quarter, failing both my summer classes, crashing the car into the fucking garage, being alone 24/7, really really thinking about killing myself.) I'm feeling that same kind of anxious numbness and mood swings now. I've been wanting to cry all week. I feel exhausted from being this person for so long. And of course I inflict this all on myself.
I admire people who have strong distinct tastes, like people who are into heavy metal or lolita fashion. I generally kind of like everything (except for when I hate everything lol) and there's no discernable pattern to the things/people I REALLY like. Plus most of my opinions are formed in reaction to other people's opinions, so people who have STRONG IDEAS about ~the arts and media, like, all on their own interest me, regardless of whether or not I agree. This isn't to say that I don't get butthurt and defensive if my favorites are trod upon, because I totally do.
The only thing I'm always sure about is what I find funny. I think it's like that for most people since humor is immediate and I think really innate. I can get all confused about my other tastes but I can't force what I find funny at all. My fake laughs are so fucking fake, etc.
I'm so fucking stupid. Jesus I can't with myself these days, everything I think or write deteriorates into this kind of whining. Distract! Distract!!
omg I loooooooove 모르니 (Don't You Know) from 2PM's new album. For some reason I catch the lyrics for 2PM songs well and I love the lyrics for this one. I :D out of happiness every time I hear Junsu singing "you still don't know how I feel?" I also really like Don't Stop Can't Stop which is not new at all but this album was the first time I listened to it lol. Now I get what everyone's talking about~ And I like Electricity, Hot (though I like the energy of Junsu's solo version better), Hands Up, and I Can't.
I can't map my musical taste very well. In general I like catchy music regardless of ~quality and voices are really important to me. I can't listen if I don't like the voice. And I like strong voices and/or voices with personality and/or people who can emote well. Sam Cooke (the most amazing), Neko Case, Nina Simone, Cass Elliot, Kelly Clarkson, Fujiwara Moto, and Jonghyun hit all three for me. Stuart Murdoch and Liz Phair have like naturally thin weak voices, though they can both sing for real when they want, but they really make their music with the delivery of their lyrics. Ben Folds too. Shiina Ringo and Sue Tompkins have both two and three. Sunny too. Tone, versatility (bden! Minagawa Junko!) and like clarity (Mary Black, Sakamoto Maaya) are pluses too. Hmm I'm not sure where I put P.McC, Debbie Harry, or Jim Adkins onto this matrix I just made up. Right well that was just an excuse to think about my favorite singers lol. For the record, I also particularly like Dolly Parton, Peggy Lee, bflow, Ruthie Henshall, Gil Scott-Heron (though he doesn't really sing), James Dean Bradfield, and Rihanna in What's My Name. All the nasal beardy indie singers can get the fuck ouuuuuuut.
I'm so bad at taking care of myself. On weekends I'll wake up at noon and not eat until 5.
This is annoying! I can't believe I have nothing else to talk about except myself all the time. Why do I even fucking talk, who does this benefit except for me? And it doesn't even do much for me. What the fuck am I supposed to do in life. This ~it feels like two years ago~ bullshit, what the fuck am I even fucking talking about. I only say that because I want my current shitfest to mean something. Trying to organize the mess into a coherent narrative just to have an idea of what to do next. Trajectories go somewhere. Living hour by hour, a constant string of I say nothing works any more, but I wake up and it's tomorrow, fucking hell, I don't know what to do with myself.
I really am so stupid though. Why don't I understand anything? Why can my heart not be moved properly. I'm so scared all the time. Of what? Of being hurt, of being proved right. The more you're away from people the harder it is to be around them, I know, but I'm just no good to anyone. I wish I wasn't alive. If wishes were fishes.
Well okay that's cheerful. ~I say nothing works any more, but I wake up and it's tomorrow~ Just gotta keep on keeping on.
Things I should not do:
Read astonishing fic from people my age or younger. (And compulsively read all their LJ entries too.) It's somehow worse when I don't even really like the story; then it becomes all about envy about the writing itself, how they have a style, a characterization, the impossible way they seem to be able to put it all together. It makes me kind of sick.
And how is it that talents seldom seem to come one skill at a time? Like 'talent' is really a general ability that doesn't come in specific forms, and so people who write well also draw well or speak well or are smart or are good-looking or are funny as hell or are generally insanely likeable too. IT JUST NEVER STOPS!!
Anyway, it's like that. This is making me feel really young again. Oh when am I going to mature past this? It makes me want to DIEEEEE.
analogous:
- girls talking about how they can't find jeans that fit because they're too thin/their legs are too ~long
- people gloating about their good grades/exam scores. I know I do it too, shut up, it's still insufferable. also I've failed like nine classes (not an exaggeration), I deserve to take my gloating when I can
- people talking about how much like school, particularly high school. ughhhhhh
- girls who know/think (*mean*) they're pretty and wear cute clothes and post tonz of "classy, totally not cam-whore~" pictures (okay this makes me more irrationally angry than jealous. it's not the camwhore part, and I do not begrudge hot girls flaunting their hot, but it's like sometimes I feel like some people are just dying to stick their camera down their shirts and take a picture of their boobs and scream in capslock YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, I HAVE ~PERFECT BREASTS~ but they won't because geez, they're not really WHORING for attn (yes they are) and gosh what if people thought they were conceited instead of just ~girlishly cute? I don't think you're vain if you post pics of yourself on the internets for compliments but it does grate when you pretend that's not exactly what you're doing idk)
I've let go of my crazy camwhore hate for the most part. Wow at how hard I'm projecting though. LOL I sound so hilariously jealous and butthurt, sigh oh self, it's okay. Also I don't remember what fic I was referring to at the beginning. I don't think I was in a fandom at that point.
Okay and now I'm sad again. I can't take these mood swings. I can't take how I am. At least I get to go back home next weekend for fourth of July. I don't have any classes or work on Friday and I only work in the morning on Thursday so I can leave Thursday afternoon and it'll be a respectable little break for me. lol god I honestly make life such shit for myself.
creeping on babies whilst on the bus:
There was a guy with a baby like Thursday morning. I'm assuming he was the father. I like seeing dads out alone with their babies because they're always strapped up to hell and back with backpacks and diaper bags and strollers. This dude had all of that, and an afro and huge clunky red-framed sunglasses. When the guy got off he lifted his kid into the air over and over again before putting him in the stroller and they were making each other laugh. Fuck the world is really nice sometimes.
Also on my way back from campus the bus was stuck awkwardly in the middle of the big crosswalk and I saw this lady with her baby in one of those slings that go in front of the stomach. The baby was so sweet looking and the wind blew its bangs off its forehead and my heart flew out the window.
I'm like very hyper-aware of myself in all these different ways but I still don't understand who I am at all. But I don't feel like I understand ANYTHING, so. End of sentence.
I'm doing quite badly so far this summer. It feels a lot like two years ago, and two years ago was really really terrible for me. (If I write it out: starting the antidepressants, fracturing my ankle, failing my entire spring quarter, failing both my summer classes, crashing the car into the fucking garage, being alone 24/7, really really thinking about killing myself.) I'm feeling that same kind of anxious numbness and mood swings now. I've been wanting to cry all week. I feel exhausted from being this person for so long. And of course I inflict this all on myself.
I admire people who have strong distinct tastes, like people who are into heavy metal or lolita fashion. I generally kind of like everything (except for when I hate everything lol) and there's no discernable pattern to the things/people I REALLY like. Plus most of my opinions are formed in reaction to other people's opinions, so people who have STRONG IDEAS about ~the arts and media, like, all on their own interest me, regardless of whether or not I agree. This isn't to say that I don't get butthurt and defensive if my favorites are trod upon, because I totally do.
The only thing I'm always sure about is what I find funny. I think it's like that for most people since humor is immediate and I think really innate. I can get all confused about my other tastes but I can't force what I find funny at all. My fake laughs are so fucking fake, etc.
I'm so fucking stupid. Jesus I can't with myself these days, everything I think or write deteriorates into this kind of whining. Distract! Distract!!
omg I loooooooove 모르니 (Don't You Know) from 2PM's new album. For some reason I catch the lyrics for 2PM songs well and I love the lyrics for this one. I :D out of happiness every time I hear Junsu singing "you still don't know how I feel?" I also really like Don't Stop Can't Stop which is not new at all but this album was the first time I listened to it lol. Now I get what everyone's talking about~ And I like Electricity, Hot (though I like the energy of Junsu's solo version better), Hands Up, and I Can't.
I can't map my musical taste very well. In general I like catchy music regardless of ~quality and voices are really important to me. I can't listen if I don't like the voice. And I like strong voices and/or voices with personality and/or people who can emote well. Sam Cooke (the most amazing), Neko Case, Nina Simone, Cass Elliot, Kelly Clarkson, Fujiwara Moto, and Jonghyun hit all three for me. Stuart Murdoch and Liz Phair have like naturally thin weak voices, though they can both sing for real when they want, but they really make their music with the delivery of their lyrics. Ben Folds too. Shiina Ringo and Sue Tompkins have both two and three. Sunny too. Tone, versatility (bden! Minagawa Junko!) and like clarity (Mary Black, Sakamoto Maaya) are pluses too. Hmm I'm not sure where I put P.McC, Debbie Harry, or Jim Adkins onto this matrix I just made up. Right well that was just an excuse to think about my favorite singers lol. For the record, I also particularly like Dolly Parton, Peggy Lee, bflow, Ruthie Henshall, Gil Scott-Heron (though he doesn't really sing), James Dean Bradfield, and Rihanna in What's My Name. All the nasal beardy indie singers can get the fuck ouuuuuuut.
I'm so bad at taking care of myself. On weekends I'll wake up at noon and not eat until 5.
This is annoying! I can't believe I have nothing else to talk about except myself all the time. Why do I even fucking talk, who does this benefit except for me? And it doesn't even do much for me. What the fuck am I supposed to do in life. This ~it feels like two years ago~ bullshit, what the fuck am I even fucking talking about. I only say that because I want my current shitfest to mean something. Trying to organize the mess into a coherent narrative just to have an idea of what to do next. Trajectories go somewhere. Living hour by hour, a constant string of I say nothing works any more, but I wake up and it's tomorrow, fucking hell, I don't know what to do with myself.
I really am so stupid though. Why don't I understand anything? Why can my heart not be moved properly. I'm so scared all the time. Of what? Of being hurt, of being proved right. The more you're away from people the harder it is to be around them, I know, but I'm just no good to anyone. I wish I wasn't alive. If wishes were fishes.
Well okay that's cheerful. ~I say nothing works any more, but I wake up and it's tomorrow~ Just gotta keep on keeping on.
old never posted entry from Sept. 8, 2009 that is still pretty relevant:
Things I should not do:
Read astonishing fic from people my age or younger. (And compulsively read all their LJ entries too.) It's somehow worse when I don't even really like the story; then it becomes all about envy about the writing itself, how they have a style, a characterization, the impossible way they seem to be able to put it all together. It makes me kind of sick.
And how is it that talents seldom seem to come one skill at a time? Like 'talent' is really a general ability that doesn't come in specific forms, and so people who write well also draw well or speak well or are smart or are good-looking or are funny as hell or are generally insanely likeable too. IT JUST NEVER STOPS!!
Anyway, it's like that. This is making me feel really young again. Oh when am I going to mature past this? It makes me want to DIEEEEE.
analogous:
- girls talking about how they can't find jeans that fit because they're too thin/their legs are too ~long
- people gloating about their good grades/exam scores. I know I do it too, shut up, it's still insufferable. also I've failed like nine classes (not an exaggeration), I deserve to take my gloating when I can
- people talking about how much like school, particularly high school. ughhhhhh
- girls who know/think (*mean*) they're pretty and wear cute clothes and post tonz of "classy, totally not cam-whore~" pictures (okay this makes me more irrationally angry than jealous. it's not the camwhore part, and I do not begrudge hot girls flaunting their hot, but it's like sometimes I feel like some people are just dying to stick their camera down their shirts and take a picture of their boobs and scream in capslock YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, I HAVE ~PERFECT BREASTS~ but they won't because geez, they're not really WHORING for attn (yes they are) and gosh what if people thought they were conceited instead of just ~girlishly cute? I don't think you're vain if you post pics of yourself on the internets for compliments but it does grate when you pretend that's not exactly what you're doing idk)
I've let go of my crazy camwhore hate for the most part. Wow at how hard I'm projecting though. LOL I sound so hilariously jealous and butthurt, sigh oh self, it's okay. Also I don't remember what fic I was referring to at the beginning. I don't think I was in a fandom at that point.
Okay and now I'm sad again. I can't take these mood swings. I can't take how I am. At least I get to go back home next weekend for fourth of July. I don't have any classes or work on Friday and I only work in the morning on Thursday so I can leave Thursday afternoon and it'll be a respectable little break for me. lol god I honestly make life such shit for myself.