hackberry

Aug. 30th, 2013 04:11 pm
kerpingtack: jonghyun juliette rajvithi home for girls in thailand (SHOUJO ANIME)
The trick is to do painful things in safe spaces. I talked about Chorong today like he was definitively gone. Although I have a stack of flyers I just printed out yesterday lol. I might put them up, even though, obviously, what is the use? It will only hurt. I will change my facebook picture soon. Trivial things. I think I've received enough signs that there is no use. There's a lot more I could have done but I did a reasonable amount - though of course I wish I did more, I wish I found him.

This was really hard for me. I was made very tremulous and fragile with my hope and misery. I don't think I'll love another thing like I loved Chorong. It was a cautionary tale. It was too much. Maybe when I'm stronger, when I've learned to lean more on myself instead of trying to split my soul to another body, I can do it. 

Though the temperature is ignoring it, summer is ending soon. It wasn't a vacation! I can't bear thinking that it happened for a reason. But it happened all the same. 

Suddenly I feel extremely shitty right now. I just want to be dead, I hate everything about myself, I hate working here, but I'm too scared to do anything else. I hate everything I feel. I'm so frustrated with feeling like I don't understand anything, and like I'm not trying hard enough. Crying all over the place this summer. In full public at my desk? SURE WHY NOT. 
kerpingtack: olive: the only part of the show i liked (hard to say harder to feel)
steep collapse. I worked myself into a total frenzy and deactivated my twitter for now. I don't know what I want out of this. It's not like I don't want people to talk to me, or I don't want to talk to people. It's much more that I don't WANT to want those things, and the easiest way to void that desire is to shut off the possibility.  

I am really, really, really a petty and selfish person. I mean, all of this is a stunt for attention, but I am too embarrassed to own up to it or to leave myself open to an honest dialogue about it. So it's just me yelling PLEASE NOTICE ME!! BUT NO FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS!! THANK YOU. 

What follows is that, I am really sad... also, extremely uncannily good at alienating people and making them feel awkward and unwanted. At best it's a self-fulfilling prophecy; I pretty much always expect people to get tired of me (because I always feel like I've tricked them into liking me for whatever reason in the first place), so when I see signs of disinterest I flip out and start distancing of my own initiative. At worst, it's just the poison in my personality and I am in fact totally unlikable and faulty as a human being. But either way I tend to treat to people around me like shit to preserve a stale, but familiar, sense of safety. It's times like this that I realize I haven't grown at all. This selfish heart. It gets smaller by the month probably. 

In less messy, ugly matters; I am still really sad about Jonghyun's car accident. I don't know. It's not a serious injury but just the news of it, the idea that he is hurt AGAIN, hospitalized AGAIN (especially in this year, now, after health became such an important thing to him), being lampooned and criticized and mocked AGAIN; it finally broke something clean off inside me. I saw a k-fansite master say something to this effect on twitter, "it hurts to not be able to help you." There's something about the overwhelming uncontrollable nature of it, how cyclical and repetitive it seems. That with each turn of the cycle, it only gets worse. I'm just so tired. Because Jonghyun really does mean a lot to me, and I'm not balanced to be cool about anything concerning him. The constant negativity hurts me and makes me legitimately angry. I go straight deep, I take it all to heart. It's worse because (or part and parcel of) I'm also aware... paranoid... no, aware... that people judge me for it, or otherwise get tired of it. And I keep it in mind because I do think I need that awareness to keep myself in check. To keep myself from annoying others and being an element that makes fandom weary to them, the same way the objects of my derision are to me. But what's the point? It just draws out the process of people getting tired. I am so tired. 
kerpingtack: debbie harry black and white (could show you my affection)
long time no post! and of course it's a moody depressive thing

decided that i am legit going to get out of fandom once i find a job, and the way to do that effectively is to go cold turkey, no internet. or maybe no twitter and unfollow all fandom-related tumblrs and get back to blooging my boring depressive life on LJ. 

fandom in general is escapism for me, but I've needed escapism from the shittiness of this fandom for, like, a year now. and as small as my fandom world is at the moment, it's still not small enough. ํœดใ……ํœด

looking for a job is hard, because of the market itself and because of me. i don't know what i want to do, and i don't know what i'm looking for, and i don't have confidence in myself, so i'm pretty lost. i've been better, mood-wise, this year i think but i still feel bad about myself all the time, just in a low level hum throughout each day, or probably more accurately, as a pattern of thoughts into which i fall back out of habit. i feel guilty that my cat has been sick even though i know it's nothing anyone can be faulted for, i feel guilty that i couldn't make him completely better, feel guilty for using money that's not mine, feel guilty for not discussing it up front because i don't want the argument. feel bad that i don't have a job. feel bad that i haven't been looking, because the process of looking makes me feel bad lol. feel lonely and disconnected, too easily angered. not a good caretaker for my brother. not a good writer thus i don't want to try. it's just a whole net of things, it makes me so tired. i make myself tired.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (call it freedom in an old age)
Um this is originally from this entry; I've excised everything under the cut tag into a separate post. Because umm I'm fucking crazy. I just don't like having this huge useless block of text attached to an entry that has a lot of comments? Whatever, I do what I want~

doprossive whoning )

AUUUUGH

Nov. 9th, 2009 12:53 pm
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
GODDAMNIT I JUST FUCKED UP

This squishy-cute cool guy from San Francisco messaged me, and I replied back, except then (because I'm a loser) I re-read what I wrote 10 minutes later, panicked that maybe I sounded bitchy, AND THEN FLIPPED OUT AND WROTE HIM A SPAZZY APOLOGY EMAIL THAT ENDED WITH "KINDLY PRETEND THAT THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. AUUUGHHH AWKWARDDDDDDD.

Okay I need to stop hanging around OkCupid. It is turning me into a bigger creeper than I already am. o____o
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
THIS IS THE FACE OF DEVASTATION

Seriously, I am going out tomorrow and buying a metric ton of these cookies. ;___;

wabbafu

May. 30th, 2008 09:15 pm
kerpingtack: green glass window installations (treatment)
I feel weird right now. I keep starting LJ posts and abandoning them. This is the third "Post an Entry" tab up on Firefox right now. I can't think of anything I want to do.

Was humiliated within 5 minutes of the start of my work shift today, which I think is some kind of new record. Pretty snappy, self.

I am scrabbling around looking for something to looooooove. Right now I am fixated on bands, so that is where my attention is going. More of my musical decay~~ (I am actually really sad about this!)

So the list of bands I am a fan of or otherwise hopelessly charmed by even though I do not really enjoy their music, apart from one or two of their songs
AKA
I LIKE THE IDEA OF THINGS REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I ACTUALLY LIKE THE THINGS AND PROCEED ACCORDINGLY

OK Go
We Are Scientists
Phantom Planet
Cobra Starship
The Academy Is...
My Chemical Romance

All of these are heeer because they are all dorky beyond the telling of it. And crazy. And all over the internets and youtube with their insane video camera recording. CONFUSION OF PRIVATE/PUBLIC SPHEEERES! MYTH OF ACCESSABILITY! DORKS!

rorgh I'm just going to post this. I don't know what is going on with my life anymore.

~edit~
I'm going to hash this out. Someday.

Fact 1: I am obsessive. Like for real, I get fixated on things.
[RESERVED FOR FURTHER CONTENT]
kerpingtack: sarah with a fine moustache (sarah thinks you look ridiculous)
I had a bad experience during the first half of the day. But I listened through the Animaniacs CD while eating an unsatisfying lunch, then I took a nap, browsed through some CAT MACROS, and watched a few Henry Rollins clips on youtube. So now I'm coo'. How can you not be with CAT MACROS in your day??

This is an old promo but it's still so fucking cool. SPN wins! I am going to watch the new episode in real time if it kills me. RAWR~>!

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kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
counting at war

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