hither and yon

steep collapse. I worked myself into a total frenzy and deactivated my twitter for now. I don't know what I want out of this. It's not like I don't want people to talk to me, or I don't want to talk to people. It's much more that I don't WANT to want those things, and the easiest way to void that desire is to shut off the possibility.  

I am really, really, really a petty and selfish person. I mean, all of this is a stunt for attention, but I am too embarrassed to own up to it or to leave myself open to an honest dialogue about it. So it's just me yelling PLEASE NOTICE ME!! BUT NO FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS!! THANK YOU. 

What follows is that, I am really sad... also, extremely uncannily good at alienating people and making them feel awkward and unwanted. At best it's a self-fulfilling prophecy; I pretty much always expect people to get tired of me (because I always feel like I've tricked them into liking me for whatever reason in the first place), so when I see signs of disinterest I flip out and start distancing of my own initiative. At worst, it's just the poison in my personality and I am in fact totally unlikable and faulty as a human being. But either way I tend to treat to people around me like shit to preserve a stale, but familiar, sense of safety. It's times like this that I realize I haven't grown at all. This selfish heart. It gets smaller by the month probably. 

In less messy, ugly matters; I am still really sad about Jonghyun's car accident. I don't know. It's not a serious injury but just the news of it, the idea that he is hurt AGAIN, hospitalized AGAIN (especially in this year, now, after health became such an important thing to him), being lampooned and criticized and mocked AGAIN; it finally broke something clean off inside me. I saw a k-fansite master say something to this effect on twitter, "it hurts to not be able to help you." There's something about the overwhelming uncontrollable nature of it, how cyclical and repetitive it seems. That with each turn of the cycle, it only gets worse. I'm just so tired. Because Jonghyun really does mean a lot to me, and I'm not balanced to be cool about anything concerning him. The constant negativity hurts me and makes me legitimately angry. I go straight deep, I take it all to heart. It's worse because (or part and parcel of) I'm also aware... paranoid... no, aware... that people judge me for it, or otherwise get tired of it. And I keep it in mind because I do think I need that awareness to keep myself in check. To keep myself from annoying others and being an element that makes fandom weary to them, the same way the objects of my derision are to me. But what's the point? It just draws out the process of people getting tired. I am so tired. 

GODDAMNIT I JUST FUCKED UP

This squishy-cute cool guy from San Francisco messaged me, and I replied back, except then (because I'm a loser) I re-read what I wrote 10 minutes later, panicked that maybe I sounded bitchy, AND THEN FLIPPED OUT AND WROTE HIM A SPAZZY APOLOGY EMAIL THAT ENDED WITH "KINDLY PRETEND THAT THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. AUUUGHHH AWKWARDDDDDDD.

Okay I need to stop hanging around OkCupid. It is turning me into a bigger creeper than I already am. o____o

I feel weird right now. I keep starting LJ posts and abandoning them. This is the third "Post an Entry" tab up on Firefox right now. I can't think of anything I want to do.

Was humiliated within 5 minutes of the start of my work shift today, which I think is some kind of new record. Pretty snappy, self.

I am scrabbling around looking for something to looooooove. Right now I am fixated on bands, so that is where my attention is going. More of my musical decay~~ (I am actually really sad about this!)

So the list of bands I am a fan of or otherwise hopelessly charmed by even though I do not really enjoy their music, apart from one or two of their songs
AKA
I LIKE THE IDEA OF THINGS REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I ACTUALLY LIKE THE THINGS AND PROCEED ACCORDINGLY

OK Go
We Are Scientists
Phantom Planet
Cobra Starship
The Academy Is...
My Chemical Romance

All of these are heeer because they are all dorky beyond the telling of it. And crazy. And all over the internets and youtube with their insane video camera recording. CONFUSION OF PRIVATE/PUBLIC SPHEEERES! MYTH OF ACCESSABILITY! DORKS!

rorgh I'm just going to post this. I don't know what is going on with my life anymore.

~edit~
I'm going to hash this out. Someday.

Fact 1: I am obsessive. Like for real, I get fixated on things.
[RESERVED FOR FURTHER CONTENT]