hither and yon

LOL I have 498 SHINee fics bookmarked. What on earth! It really only takes one thing for me to save a link. I have to organize them somehow. At the moment when I try to look for a fic I just type in likely keywords and hope my brain is wired the same way as when I first bookmarked it.

My finals are done but I still have papers to write. Dear lord will these trials and tribulations never end??

I swear I'm gonna kill something if they put Jonghyun in another vest. He looks so stupid in these Japan photoshoots. Stupid with occasional moments of COMPLETE FRESH-FACED PERFECTION. Ugh they're all being sooo idiotically cute in these shoots. So many piles!! Piles of boys!! Piles of cute!!

Do they get to dress themselves on Immortal Song 2? Does that mean that glittery tank top Jonghyun wore for his showcase was his? Oh god he is seriously the gift that keeps on giving.

LOL giant 50+ chapter vampire AU series and I'm just going through each part Ctrl+F'ing "jonghyun." I don't have time for vampires okay, I just want to read about him being snarky and/or crying or whatever he's doing in every ten chapters of this thing. From what I can tell though, Jonghyun is too fucking good for anyone else in this story. This is really not that biased of an opinion! Usually he is an intolerable asshole in these sorts of things but here he is literally the best of them all. Onew is such a dick to him in this lol >>:(((( Also my god what is it about Jessica, people will drag her into their fics ALL THE TIME. It's alright here but usually it's terrible and stupid.

I don't think I'm particularly pretentious. I'm sentimental though.

You guys I love Jongho sooo muuuuchhhhh I will legit read anything for them. It's so bad.

I have been trying to quash an immutable tide of panic for the past like three weeks. I am letting go of my GPA; it's already fucked. I just have to pass these classes. I JUST HAVE TO PASS THESE CLASSES. ;~~~; Ugh why am I so fucking stupid. My life is cratered with failures upon failures and I seriously can't do anything right. Oh well. I JUST HAVE TO PASS.

[giant sad bastard paragraph excised]

Ugh lol goddamn my lj has legit been split 50/50 between SHINee spazzing and sad bastard feelings. The two sided coin of my life these days. I mean, I say all this stuff on my own behalf and for my own benefit. But what does it really do? What does anything do. I wish I had more to talk about. I make my life such shit for myself.

I really do feel like there's a lot of love to be had in the world, and love is a choice that people must continually make.* I think that's why I'm so mystified by all the hate and negative energy in fandom and why I react so strongly against it. It just seems like such a contrived, deliberate choice to be hateful and condescending. Maybe also because fandom is supposed to be pure escapism for me. Real life is already terrible, and unavoidably so. Why do people have to invent more reasons to be angry and shitty when they don't have to beeeee. But lol at the same time I know that I choose to become butthurt and offended and worked up over shitty comments instead of ignoring them and getting on with my life. idk why it's so much easier to legitimate negative thoughts/feelings when love is the more difficult choice, and hate is harder to live with.
*placeholder reference: I know it's from ranalore but I don't remember the post. ahhh my creeper anime days were so profitable
edit @ 6:44 am this post! I think it can apply in the general. like specific applications of love can't be chosen (you can't force yourself to like shit you just don't like) but I think love in the abstract is a choice, to say whether you'll be receptive and open or not, to pursue and indulge and enjoy or to dismiss or be ashamed or be in name only. insert scrubs quote on couples who make it because they fight for their love in the face of the same problems as the couples who don't make it. feelings are involuntary, actions are not, etc. why the fuck did I make this sound so dry. and fuck grammar omg

UGH LIFE IS SO STUPID RIGHT NOW

IT STARTED TO RAIN HARD AS FUCK WHEN I WAS WALKING FROM THE LIBRARY TO THE BUS STOP AND STOPPED AS SOON AS I GAVE UP AND WENT INSIDE A BUILDING AND THEN STARTED AGAIN AS SOON AS I WALKED BACK OUTSIDE

WHAT THE FUCK IS AN F DISTRIBUTION

I KNOW YOU TEST THE R^2 NULL HYPOTHESIS WITH IT BUT WHAT. IS. IT.

GAHHHHRRR WHY IS EVERYONE SO EAGER TO HATE ON JONGHYUN I'M NOT IMMUNE TO IT YET, IT'S TIRING TO HAVE TO IGNORE IT AGHHHH

AND WAT'S WRONG WITH TUMBLR

okay, done.

( blue moon )

I fucking forfeit this day.

edit @ 4:17AM: LOOOOOOOOOOLOLOOLOL HOW DID I LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT KNOWING ROKKUGO, HOW IS IT SPIRITUALLY POSSIBLE?!!????

I'M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE VIDEO (THOUGH IT IS LOVELY). THIS SONG IS PURE CRACK. HOW CAN SOMETHING BE SO FUCKING KOREAN OMG IDK IDK

HERE IS SHINEE DORKING OUT HARD TO IT
JONGHYUN IS THE ONE IN THE BLUE SHIRT

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL TROT!!!!!!!!!!1

The subject line ^ was the title of an "article" from some trashy celebrity gossip site. It was a bunch of pictures of Evangeline Lilly carrying a surfboard. Her arm wasn't long enough to hold it securely so I guess she had to keep readjusting her hold? I'll always remember it because LOL WTF, what a weird fucking thing to say about somebody. Let alone put together an "article" for.

Still no internet in my room. LE SIGH. I'm on campus right now, flying on AirBears~ (<-- name of Berkeley's wireless network. No, I'm not joking.)

I'm pretty drained. These past two weeks have been rough as hell.

I watched Joshua on Friday. UMMM YOU SHOULD EXPECT TERRIBLE THINGS FROM THIS MOVIE. It was seriously bad-feeling-making. I was kind of distraught at the ending. The feeling of D: stayed with me for a long time, and I started thinking about it last night and got all creeped out and had to think about, like, pillows shaped like cats to wash the taste off my brain. Why the fuck does Sam Rockwell have to be so endearing?! AGH.

I also watched the first three episodes of Flight of the Conchords, season 2. The show's a lot tighter this time around. The humor is sometimes a bit broader too. LOLOL I love Murray. And Bret is still insanely attractive to me. His t-shirts have gotten even uglier. <3___<3

Yesterday I had an EPIIIIC camwhoring session with like 60+ photos. Key words for discussion: seeking attention, vanity, internet culture, physical appearances, fake modesty. By now I can recognize that I am not physically ugly, but I don't think I'm pretty. I think I can look pretty. This "can" vs. "be" distinction has been a big issue for me lately. I was thinking about JJB last week and how my sister and I are always yelling at him to stop being annoying (because omg HE IS SO FING ANNOYING SOMETIMES) and I was all worried that it might be crushing his spirit and whatnot. So I told him something like "JJB, you CAN be annoying, but you yourself are not annoying. It's hard to change the things you are, but you can change things you can be. Sorry for yelling so much. :<" Yeah I didn't make much sense. I don't think JJB quite got it either. But we hugged and it was coo'. ANYWAAAY: I think I can look pretty, which is what enables me to camwhore and put the photos up for other people to see. It's about constructing a positive image of yourself as secretly and selectively as possible. If I thought that I was pretty, or conversely, that I was fug, I wouldn't do this shit. But I'm in that space where I'm still not SURE and am desperately seeking validation. Like "haha, I look dumb and terrible, but not as dumb and terrible as I did in the 50 pictures I deleted, so yes, these are the acceptable pictures of me! Ahaha they're still cute right, and you don't hate me for ~showing off too much beauty~ and complaining about it, right? RIGHT?? OMG PLS THINK I'M PRETTY. PLS LIKE ME!!!!" Umm yeahhhh. >__> Camwhoring is about insecurity!

I tried starting a picspam of Beatles Hitching Their Legs Up Awkwardly High (a trend spotted by fitz_carraldo's keen eye) but apparently I don't have any such pictures?? *rolls up sleeves* Time to hunt.

Yahoo: "Obama's cool may be melting. The president's icy glamour is starting to wear off, and the White House is getting feisty."
Seriously, who writes these things? Isn't Yahoo one of the biggest websites in the world? Wat?

Ahhhh there's a post on ableism and using the word "lame." I've been trying to curb my usage of "lame" and other words like it for a while now. (Operating on my general rules of thumb that a) it's not okay to assume that words aren't hurtful just because they're used a lot and their social meanings aren't discussed; and b) if you're not part of the original group the word was meant for, you can't reclaim it (paraphrasing Jay Smooth.)) It is really hard though! Ableism is so engrained in our language, it is pretty ridic. Probably because ableism is quite overlooked/invisible? :< Okay, I'm renewing my commitment to stop being an asshole. There are a lot of really useful substitutes suggested in that link.

Fuck man I've been dying these past two weeks. I didn't know I had anything left to get kicked out from under me but I guess I do. It's pretty hard to learn that you can't rely on anyone. I think the difference between "on your own" and "alone" is in ability. Three guesses on which side I fall on, hurr hurr. I am throwing a pity party over here. Ugh, right, let's move on.

Obligatory Beatles-y mention:
(wrt Paul's recent concert in Halifax)AWW. I love the shit out of that kind of stuff.
(I wonder if my blogging etiquette is okay? Is copy+pasting comments cool? I operate on "well they're never going to find out" but this is the internet, you can never really be certain of that. Mmmmm oh well, they're never going to find out!)

UM ALSO! BABY JAGUARS. I DID NOT KNOW THEY WERE SO CUTE. AHHMG.

I am cliiiiiiiiiiinging. I don't have anything left to check, do, or say on the internet but I don't want to go back to my sad, internetless room. It smells like sweat and feet. :(

Half written today, half written yesterday.

I just came in from shopping at the farmer's market. OMG I feel so accomplished and adult-like. I don't know if I'm registered to vote and I don't know how to get a Ralph's card, but I went shopping at the farmer's market motherfucker! I spent $8 on two pomengranates and four marsh grapefruits. The pomengranates are technically not ripe yet I don't think (it's supposed to be late late October/early November?) but these looked so sexxxy, I couldn't leave them alone.

I realized yesterday that I am inadvertantantly (spelling ommmg) turning into a vegetarian, as I basically had no meat whatsoever the past week. ~So healthy.~ :d I hate using money though. It's too much on top of all the money I'm wasting academically. Hallo hallo guilt.

I've been sort of skating around thinking too very much about the election, and mostly it was morbid brace yourself, McCain's going to win, President Palin is nigh stuff. But I just saw a macro of Obama holding a (non-photoshopped) box of donuts and for some reason THAT was the thing that made me completely freak out. "OH MY GOD I WANT OBAMA TO BE PRESIDENT. IF OBAMA DOESN'T WIN I WILL HAVE TO KILL MYSELF IN THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SERIOUSLY WILL HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WE NEED A PRESIDENT WHO CAN HOLD A NON-PHOTOSHOPPED BOX OF DONUTS. What. What. I don't know.

That Brothers and Sisters show is fucking with me because it's abbreviated as B&S so I keep going WOW PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT B&S!! and it's not my B&S. :(((

I looked like a cowgirl today yesterday and I kind of enjoyed it. I'm wore this bustley skirt with a belt thing (skirt was suddenly too big for me. I think I've lost some weight or something b/c I don't know how to feed myself) and a tanktop. Boy howdy! Now I look quite 60s French. Short sleeved knitted black shirt with white and black polka dotted skirt. The shirt is lumpy and shapeless! 

Things the internet is amazing at: building creative communities. Youtube, flickr, etsy, etc. I've been going through Olivia Bee's flickr photostream for like three hours. The photos are very beautiful on their own, but they're dramatically remarkable considering that she's only fourteen years old. The photos have such a mature tone and such a mature grasp of color, like professional; I wouldn't have guessed she was an amateur, let alone that freaking young. I'm kind of fascinated. It almost both demystifies and mystifies the process of photography for me. Or in general, image culture (is that the right term?). I mean a lot of her pictures draw on the romanticism of young girls in dresses especially outdoors by fences and trees etc. I guess I'm saying that I realized that you have to have an eye for that kind of thing to set it up, and that you have to set it up in general, and it's all more striking because she's so young, so it's like she's realizing the previous generation's nostalgia and idealization of the past. Ahaha I'm projecting. She seems like a retro kid though. It's very precocious, and I don't mean that in a condescending way at all. But I'm trying not to get too fixated on her age. It's just a very cool situation, especially since she uses her friends as models and thinking about that versus an adult artist using their friends in their work and just wow, demystification/mystification!  

Belle and Sebastian's Chalet Lines is almost bruisingly beautiful, it's like a brick being thrown into your heart. It's brutal in how measured it is, how beautiful, in Stuart's voice, the words, and it seems so real, it's devastating. I don't think it's exploitative. It's a song about hurt and reactions to it, a person and people.

OMFG what the hell did I do this whole day? I woke up at noon and then did absolutely nothing for 10 hours I guess!! That isn't out of the ordinary for me or anything (LOL ~a masterpiece of understatement~) but goddamn today was excruciating. Alyssa's gone for a week, including no cell phone or internet communication, so I was already looooonely, and it increased to being a needy paranoid whackjob. I've played a lot of Text Twist. I am getting better verrrrrrry sloooooowwwwly.

I just now ate 6 Pizza Bagels and a brownie with two glasses of milk. O WRY AM I GAINING WAIGHT, THIS IS SUCH A MYSTERY!!111

LMAO Yahoo. Headline: "iPhone makes them angry". LOLOLOL seriously, Yahoo? That's only almost as good as the one from a few days ago, "Poll: Many Americans annoyed by coworkers".

I am obsessed with keeping the plastic water... thing in our refrigerator full. Whenever it is not completely full I freak out and fill it up to the top again. My contribution to the household~

Facebook/Text Twist is the stupid whore of the day! Thanks for freezing up on me and making me lose my longest streak ever, asshole. Fuck you very much.

I'm pretty sure that I can listen to Death Cab's I Will Follow You Into the Dark like 10 times in a row before I get tired of it. You did good, Ben Gibbard. You did good. *orchestral swell of music*

Proof of genius: D S = Dana Sue. I didn't even mean to do that! Goddamn I want a medal or something.

You know what we need you guys? A game of Monopoly to make everyone resent each other!!!! Am I kidding?? Who knows?? Monopoly is only fun if everyone is on an even keel, so as soon as a clear winner emerges, we should STOP. Then only the winner is resentful; everyone else is happy that they got out before they had to sell off their railroads and shit.

Fear is the heart of love~ BGibbs, if I heard that at Catholic school, I would leave too, even though it sounds real pretty when you sing it! Oh man I can't really think about any of the lyrics because if I do, it will break me. The first time I heard the first four lines were enough to make my heart all squeeze-pulley. What can you do with so much love? It carries you across rivers. It takes you above bravery, it makes you true. OH MY GOD NOW I AM CRYING A LITTLE. I HAVE TO STOP LISTENING TO THIS SONG.

Ew I was washing a pan (no better time to do the dishes than 3 AM) and it was mad greasy.

WHELL IT'S 4:40 AND I'M STILL AWAKE. O I C.

OMG the Pipettes are so fucking cute. They are like a band made up entirely of perfect girls. Seriously. They're all pretty and cute and skinny and have great hair and sing well and have great senses of humor and charming and saucy and etc etc. I've had a couple of their songs since September 2006 or something ridiculous like that but I've only bothered to look them up yesterday night. TBH I was not interested in learning moar about them because I thought they were hipster douchebetches but I stumbled across a link to the following vid and was pretty much charmed. Polka dots! Dancing! Smiles!



They are gimmicky but they're not a novelty act, and I really like polka dots. I think they do do the girl group sound in a modern way though I don't quite agree on their band philosophy what with regards to the taint of the Beatles or whatever. I love their dancing! It's a much more skilled and pleasing version of the cheesy flailing I do. And they do it with such enthusiasm!! SPINNING! Moar cute:



I could pretend that I yam mature and that I am past such things as picking out a favorite "one" out of the group like you did with the Spice Girls when you were eight, but whatever, I totally did. I really like all of them, and actually admire Gwenno's voice most and RiotBecki's style best, but Rosay (The Brown Haired One/the one who didn't have much to do in "Your Kisses Are Wasted on Me") is my favorite.



I don't really have a reason why I like her best; she looks all hipstery and such. But definitely this video had something to do with it. I am like mesmerized by it. I don't know what it is but she has such a charm in it. Yeah!

An interview just for good measure:



This concludes my Pipettes post.

This list of the 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007 is mostly incomprehensible to me (for example, why is Bob Dylan in the top 10 and Tom Cruise in the bottom 10? Dylan's OLD, not "top 10 most hideous guys", but Tom Cruise is just gross. And apparently being fat is the one of the worst sin against mankind anyone could commit. Also the list was made in April which doesn't seem like the best time to do year-round retrospectives. This parenthetical aside is too long.) but I cannot argue with

[16] BILL O’REILLY
Worst person in the world

So there's something to be said about that.