extracted from thrushes
Apr. 14th, 2014 01:31 pmI googled "what kind of a bird is a robin" for the subject line lol. "American Robins are gray-brown birds with warm orange underparts and dark heads." WARM ORANGE UNDERPANTS! I had no idea that "underpants" was a proper descriptive term in zoology... ornithology (googled that too)... birdology (did not have to google that).
Anyway my day in twitter:
what am i doing? what am i doing? what what what am i doing? with my life? as a person? existing??
fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up...
am i a good person? what does that even mean? does it mean anything that i keep thinking about this? question mark?
i feel like no matter all the rest, what's important is how you treat people. but i don't treat people very well? either on an interpersonal level (utterly incompetent and/or cold) or... on an activist? level (complacent/apathetic).
i guess i feel in turmoil lately because i thought that it was better to do nothing than actively do something wrong/hurtful. but i'm slowly realizing in a real, concrete way that doing nothing sometimes IS the most wrong/hurtful thing, that it just shuts things down. i mean i knew that as an abstract concept, but i experienced it and it's caught up to me.
i guess i attach too much meaning to things lol. prolly to avoid actually Doing Stuff. just sit there and obsess over ~implications~
i'm not actually that bummed out right now, i just can't think of anything else to talk about lol
TUSK!!!
Everyone is posting about Captain America 2 and meta always tricks me into caring more than I would normally, so yeah that's where I am all day, everyday now. I've read SOOOO MUCH FIC. Like literally at least the full first twenty pages in ao3, both sorted by kudos and by date updated lololol. God I am so good at being fixated.
OH OKAY so I went to facebook and scrolled down my newsfeed for the first time in months and of course I see a post from the local animal rescue, with a cat that looks like Tom Tom, who is apparently very sweet and whose owner died instantly in a hit and run accident. The owner had rescued him when he was a tiny kitten and now he is alone in the world. Facebook always brings GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! I'm always happy to be updated about the world!!!!!!!!!!
You know what's exhausting about me is that, like, I just keep thinking "why can't I do this? why is this so hard for me?" What don't I understand? If I could just find that latch, just that one thing, it would unravel at least a chunk, and then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm struggling just to get from this minute to the next. Maybe there's nothing to understand. But then how do I know what to do? Because I don't have anything I WANT to do, just things I want to avoid. So what's the motivation, if not emotions/intuition? Logic - what makes sense, what do I understand of this situation and what's the next step. Just like, WHAT DO I FUCKING DO??? WHAT DO I DO TO BE A PERSON?
Anyway my day in twitter:
what am i doing? what am i doing? what what what am i doing? with my life? as a person? existing??
fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up...
am i a good person? what does that even mean? does it mean anything that i keep thinking about this? question mark?
i feel like no matter all the rest, what's important is how you treat people. but i don't treat people very well? either on an interpersonal level (utterly incompetent and/or cold) or... on an activist? level (complacent/apathetic).
i guess i feel in turmoil lately because i thought that it was better to do nothing than actively do something wrong/hurtful. but i'm slowly realizing in a real, concrete way that doing nothing sometimes IS the most wrong/hurtful thing, that it just shuts things down. i mean i knew that as an abstract concept, but i experienced it and it's caught up to me.
i guess i attach too much meaning to things lol. prolly to avoid actually Doing Stuff. just sit there and obsess over ~implications~
i'm not actually that bummed out right now, i just can't think of anything else to talk about lol
TUSK!!!
Everyone is posting about Captain America 2 and meta always tricks me into caring more than I would normally, so yeah that's where I am all day, everyday now. I've read SOOOO MUCH FIC. Like literally at least the full first twenty pages in ao3, both sorted by kudos and by date updated lololol. God I am so good at being fixated.
OH OKAY so I went to facebook and scrolled down my newsfeed for the first time in months and of course I see a post from the local animal rescue, with a cat that looks like Tom Tom, who is apparently very sweet and whose owner died instantly in a hit and run accident. The owner had rescued him when he was a tiny kitten and now he is alone in the world. Facebook always brings GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! I'm always happy to be updated about the world!!!!!!!!!!
You know what's exhausting about me is that, like, I just keep thinking "why can't I do this? why is this so hard for me?" What don't I understand? If I could just find that latch, just that one thing, it would unravel at least a chunk, and then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm struggling just to get from this minute to the next. Maybe there's nothing to understand. But then how do I know what to do? Because I don't have anything I WANT to do, just things I want to avoid. So what's the motivation, if not emotions/intuition? Logic - what makes sense, what do I understand of this situation and what's the next step. Just like, WHAT DO I FUCKING DO??? WHAT DO I DO TO BE A PERSON?
