hither and yon

This took fucking forever. Life has been draining me of life!! I'm so tired all the time, idk. It's hard to get the momentum going for these nothing posts when I could just as well spam twitter but~ I really want to get back into the groove of things.

I don't even remember how to do this! I open this page and I just talk?? What about? What did I do before? I have no memory of anything. wtf did I even have thoughts in the past? Was I even alive??

Okay I'll just free-associate or something. LOL because otherwise I'm so orderly~

( vintage whine aged in the finest crystal decanter )

( what beautiful transitions! )

( what I loved )

end count of the 50 Books/50 Movies/50 Albums meme:
5 (new) books
46 movies
50 albums

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title.

Pick your artist: Belle & Sebastian

( summer and winter, winter and springtime )

Pick your artist: The Beatles

( so much younger than today )

I could've been more creative I think but my brainzzz, they are worn out.

The subject line ^ was the title of an "article" from some trashy celebrity gossip site. It was a bunch of pictures of Evangeline Lilly carrying a surfboard. Her arm wasn't long enough to hold it securely so I guess she had to keep readjusting her hold? I'll always remember it because LOL WTF, what a weird fucking thing to say about somebody. Let alone put together an "article" for.

Still no internet in my room. LE SIGH. I'm on campus right now, flying on AirBears~ (<-- name of Berkeley's wireless network. No, I'm not joking.)

I'm pretty drained. These past two weeks have been rough as hell.

I watched Joshua on Friday. UMMM YOU SHOULD EXPECT TERRIBLE THINGS FROM THIS MOVIE. It was seriously bad-feeling-making. I was kind of distraught at the ending. The feeling of D: stayed with me for a long time, and I started thinking about it last night and got all creeped out and had to think about, like, pillows shaped like cats to wash the taste off my brain. Why the fuck does Sam Rockwell have to be so endearing?! AGH.

I also watched the first three episodes of Flight of the Conchords, season 2. The show's a lot tighter this time around. The humor is sometimes a bit broader too. LOLOL I love Murray. And Bret is still insanely attractive to me. His t-shirts have gotten even uglier. <3___<3

Yesterday I had an EPIIIIC camwhoring session with like 60+ photos. Key words for discussion: seeking attention, vanity, internet culture, physical appearances, fake modesty. By now I can recognize that I am not physically ugly, but I don't think I'm pretty. I think I can look pretty. This "can" vs. "be" distinction has been a big issue for me lately. I was thinking about JJB last week and how my sister and I are always yelling at him to stop being annoying (because omg HE IS SO FING ANNOYING SOMETIMES) and I was all worried that it might be crushing his spirit and whatnot. So I told him something like "JJB, you CAN be annoying, but you yourself are not annoying. It's hard to change the things you are, but you can change things you can be. Sorry for yelling so much. :<" Yeah I didn't make much sense. I don't think JJB quite got it either. But we hugged and it was coo'. ANYWAAAY: I think I can look pretty, which is what enables me to camwhore and put the photos up for other people to see. It's about constructing a positive image of yourself as secretly and selectively as possible. If I thought that I was pretty, or conversely, that I was fug, I wouldn't do this shit. But I'm in that space where I'm still not SURE and am desperately seeking validation. Like "haha, I look dumb and terrible, but not as dumb and terrible as I did in the 50 pictures I deleted, so yes, these are the acceptable pictures of me! Ahaha they're still cute right, and you don't hate me for ~showing off too much beauty~ and complaining about it, right? RIGHT?? OMG PLS THINK I'M PRETTY. PLS LIKE ME!!!!" Umm yeahhhh. >__> Camwhoring is about insecurity!

I tried starting a picspam of Beatles Hitching Their Legs Up Awkwardly High (a trend spotted by fitz_carraldo's keen eye) but apparently I don't have any such pictures?? *rolls up sleeves* Time to hunt.

Yahoo: "Obama's cool may be melting. The president's icy glamour is starting to wear off, and the White House is getting feisty."
Seriously, who writes these things? Isn't Yahoo one of the biggest websites in the world? Wat?

Ahhhh there's a post on ableism and using the word "lame." I've been trying to curb my usage of "lame" and other words like it for a while now. (Operating on my general rules of thumb that a) it's not okay to assume that words aren't hurtful just because they're used a lot and their social meanings aren't discussed; and b) if you're not part of the original group the word was meant for, you can't reclaim it (paraphrasing Jay Smooth.)) It is really hard though! Ableism is so engrained in our language, it is pretty ridic. Probably because ableism is quite overlooked/invisible? :< Okay, I'm renewing my commitment to stop being an asshole. There are a lot of really useful substitutes suggested in that link.

Fuck man I've been dying these past two weeks. I didn't know I had anything left to get kicked out from under me but I guess I do. It's pretty hard to learn that you can't rely on anyone. I think the difference between "on your own" and "alone" is in ability. Three guesses on which side I fall on, hurr hurr. I am throwing a pity party over here. Ugh, right, let's move on.

Obligatory Beatles-y mention:
(wrt Paul's recent concert in Halifax)AWW. I love the shit out of that kind of stuff.
(I wonder if my blogging etiquette is okay? Is copy+pasting comments cool? I operate on "well they're never going to find out" but this is the internet, you can never really be certain of that. Mmmmm oh well, they're never going to find out!)

UM ALSO! BABY JAGUARS. I DID NOT KNOW THEY WERE SO CUTE. AHHMG.

I am cliiiiiiiiiiinging. I don't have anything left to check, do, or say on the internet but I don't want to go back to my sad, internetless room. It smells like sweat and feet. :(

The wireless in my room worked for like two hours before fucking out again. I'm in the Doe Library (I know of this from my work at ILL. You guys print on thin grey paper and blue ink! Your barcodes don't scan!!). It's a lot nicer looking overall than YRL. PROPS BURK BURK GURHHHHHRHRHH

I've made a huge mistake. /GOB This Berkeley thing was a mistake. I can't remember why I was looking forward to this. Like... what did I think would happen? Why did I think this was a good idea? I feel like a needy, crazy, pathetic nuisance. Yeah, just what I wanted, an extra month and a half of unnecessary bullshit. This was fucking stupid of me. It's ruined everything. I have to have things to daydream about and never fulfill them because it's fucking unrealistic and it's not going to happen. Why do I expect this out of things? Out of people? You could've seen this coming a mile away, self, you were just too desperate to acknowledge it. Yeah.

Probably every year since 2006 I've lost something or another. I've been slowly losing my ability to feel safe, anyway. Oh the dramatics! I wish knowing something helped you deal with it. If I start to think about anything in my life for too long I want to beat my head in with a shovel. Soooo.

This is the first band break-up I've ever been through! Well I was a fan when the Pipettes broke up but they weren't huge for me. Oh disco. I'm glad it was you, you bring just enough lulz to soothe the pain~. Ahahah oh shit I probably would've killed myself if I was around when the Beatles broke up. PUBLIC GRIEVING IS ATTRACTIVE! ... if Belle and Sebastian break up, I will be traumatized for life. No, seriously. :|

I'm glad that Spencer stayed with bden. I think they'll be good together. OMG this shit is so crazy, wtf. I'm kind of seriously done with Ryan Ross. I didn't know I cared so much about all the things he chooses to be, but I do! If he wants to be a hipster, he can jump off my dick and be the dirty cokey hipster he wants to be. That's just FINE. WHATEVER! UGH HIPSTERS.

I really really like McCartney. Unenlightening thoughts: I think it's really obvious that Paul LOVES music, and loves it in a pure kind of way. It's not about the trappings for him and it's not a vehicle for something else; music is important because it's music. Paul's lyrics get criticized as trite and inane, and I admit, sometimes I do think, "that mofo didn't even try with this song," but that case isn't the norm. I like whimsy and wordplay, and P.McC has got that in spades. I like when you can tell that he's gotten wrapped up with the SOUND of the words themselves and the voice becomes another layer of music and another instrument for him to use. I'm thinking of the end of Hey Jude and moar especially, the end of Long-Haired Lady. Ohhhhhh looooooove is looooooooooooooooooooong, loooooove is looooooooooooooooooooong, loooove is loooooooo-ooooooooooooo-oooooooooong x10000. But to be fair, I also love it when it's obvious that he never got around to finishing the lyrics and just ba-ba-bas his way through a verse. Or half a song. I LU PAWWWWWL.