counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2010-05-26 02:35 am
kerpingtack) wrote2010-05-26 02:35 am
Entry tags:
stay, and the night would be enough
This is a parsing-things-out-to-make-myself-feel-better entry. Soooooo yeahhhhhhhhh
Shit-feeling post because I just went to my sister's IB dinner, which is a celebration dinner for full-IB seniors who are about to graduate. (IB, or International Baccalaureate, is an academic program thinger like AP, except more "selective" and more essay/bullshit oriented. There's a bunch of shit you have to do so I guess it makes people feel accomplished when they stay in it for all four years. Predictably I did not feel this way, mostly because I did not accomplish anything!)
1. I felt old but I did not look old, and one of the event organizers mistook me for a student. The complex I have about looking young is that it really fucking feeds into my insecurity about how I don't know how to grow up. Even when I've progressed more through life than an entire roomful of fucking high schoolers, even just numberically, none of that shows in the most basic of ways, and I'm back in high school again. Absolutely nothing to show for years of miserable fuckery.
2. It reminded me of my own IB dinner, and consequently the bullshit surrounding it in both directions: high school, and the start of college. I seriously feel like I'm still stuck RIGHT in that year, 2006. I am amazed at how I'm still alive. And my dinner was a long awkward shitty affair. I hated 90% of everyone in the world then, but especially my IB class. The one good memory I have is that afterward I talked to my bost frond online and we systematically trashed everrrrry single person in IB except for the five people that we were cool with. It took like three hours and it was fucking awesome.
3. The speeches at the dinner were about potential and how much everyone had accomplished and the future and life lessons and whatever. Also I recognized a lot of the teachers but they did not recognize me. These two things didn't really bother me but it made me feel weird and regretful. I feel like NOW I'm ready for high school, like I can do it properly NOW. I was way too... something then. I basically thought I SHOULD be an effortless supercool body-less saint-like intellectual. I thought it explained a lot about myself while giving me ways to improve, a goal of my Completed Person. Of course since I could not be like my ridiculous obsessive mental image, I was all YOU'RE A FAILURE, SELF! YOU SUCK!! and I lost any semblence of a mental image of myself altogether. AND NOW HERE I AM FOUR YEARS LATER.
4. My sister's friend's sister (yeah I know) is a girl I was frondly with during high school. I hadn't talked or seen her since then so I went to say hi, and I got the feeling that she had no patience for me/decided that she didn't like me anymore/thought I was kiiinda pathetic, which was great. And THIS reminded me of another girl I was chummy with during senior year who became quite cool toward to me near the end of the year. I can't think of anything I did or could have done, and you know how well I can obsess about this shit yo, so I kind of think she just decided that she didn't like me. Hahahah this is still what I'm afraid will happen with everyone I know. Just suddenly they'll think of me and go, "Uhmmmm, no," and that will be that!
5. I felt ugly and fat, and stupid for feeling that way, and stupid for being jealous of high schoolers.
So that dinner made me feel shitty because I: relived my miserable awkward high school life, had my total lack of progress in any area of my life summed up for me, felt unappealing and petty as fuck.
I love this song. A couple of years ago my top 5 U2 songs list was With or Without You, Wild Honey, Seconds, Where the Streets Have No Name, and Bad, and I was pretty sure that this wouldn't change because... there would no longer be any real U2 developments. How weird, that my opinions can change, without any instigation at all!!!
1. Bad / Love Comes Tumbling
2. Stay (Faraway, So Close!)
3. Seconds
4. With or Without You
5. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Sunday Bloody Sunday / Lemon / Even Better Than the Real Thing / The Fly / Where the Streets Have No Name
I had a top 5 for the Beatles as well, but it was ridiculous then and it sure as hell would be ridiculous now. Actually I found a crazy detailed meme that had you rank within and amongst every possible subcategory of Beatlology (favorite Beatle, favorite albums, favorite songs within albums, favorite John songs, favorite era, eeetttccc), which was a meme after my own heart. I still haven't filled it out but just thinking about it makes my obsessive form-loving tendencies happy.
I also really like Jónsi's Sticks & Stones, the song that played over the end credits of How to Train Your Dragon. LOLLL this is how far gone over that movie I am, I read the lyrics and I thought crazily THESE FIT THE MOVIE SO WELL, SO WELL!!! That dragon movie just makes me really happy. There are only a few things I wish they would've done differently. It's a good story, told well, and I think it's one we haven't seen in a while. The idea of being able to help an animal is such a pure ambition (wrong word) and I think everyone wanted to be able to do it when they were young. Well, I hope they did. I think that's partly why it seems to strike a chord with people across age gaps? Also, the story can be boiled down to BOY WHO BEFRONDS A CAT and I love boys who love cats. It's such a game over for me. <3____<3 Oh oh oh, and that ending was so boss. I knew what happened as soon as that guy said, "Well, most of him," but I was like "Are they really...??" AND THEY DID and it was fucking awesome. OMG. Loooooove. Also, Dreamworks are fucking up so bad wrt merchandising. They could make a KILLING with Toothless stuffed animals/keychains/everything. OMG they should make those bathrobes with animal hoods for kids, except with a Toothless hood!!! THAT WOULD BE THE CUTEST FUCKING THING IN THE UNIVERSE O M F G.
- engineering-tech-forging-stitching-artist booooy!!
- the animation was REALLY good. I mean, gotdamn, Toothless!! And the details, like the scar on Hiccup's chin and his left-handedness. The cheat sheet flying scene is one of my favorite scenes, the gorgeousness and the ~glory that flying on a catdragon must be. The dragon nest was legitimately unsettling (the sounds especially) and the sheer scale of the big fucking dragon was pretty effective.
- I loved Stoick and Hiccup's relationship. Lots of movies and shows tell you about that kind of relationship but they rarely show it, and that dragon movie really SHOWED it. I loved that moment after the big fight when Stoick reels back, dazed, clearly thinking, "What did I just do?" But that he shakes it off and keeps going anyway, because that's who he is, right alongside being a father who doesn't know how to connect with his son. AWWW
- relatedly, I like how they filled out the periphery, enough to let you know about a history there and to make you want to follow them in the future. Like Stoick and Gobber's ~moment near the end. Years of trust! I think the whole movie is just well thought out, and that leads naturally into rewarding details and full characters and creative creativity.
- DRAGONS ARE CATS!!
PS, Jónsi is the main guy from Sigur Rós. LOL WHY DO I FIND THIS FUNNY!! It's not funny! But I LOL. I think it's because when I first saw the name and I thought it was an impeccable Swedish pop star or something, not unlike Joshie.
I have this dumb id-tastic fantasy that is stupidly dear to my heart: I will be playing good music in the car and the car next to me at the traffic light will be super impressed and enlightened by my exquisite musical taste and they will ask, "Who is that??" and I will tell them and they will say "Good song!!" and I will say, "I know, right!!" and they'll go home and try to find it and they will forever associate that awesome song with the random dispatcher of coolness that is me. HELL YEAH!! Alternatively, they will already know the song and they'll be like, "Hey is that Guided By Voices?" and I will be like, "Yeah," and they'll be like, "I love them," and I'll be like, "I know, me too," and the light will change and they'll drive off thinking, "That girl was legit." HELL YEAH!! I just want my car to impart wisdom unto the masses~
This festival looks pretty durn great. Ahaha when I first saw it I was like how the hell did Korea get all those people? I'm still not used to Korea being a cultural hotspot or high profile. There are some quality bands there. Belle & Sebastian!! My sister and her boyfrond will actually be in Korea then, so maybe! By the by, omg freaking EVERYONE is going to Korea this summer.
It's weird, I'm looking forward to the World Cup. (Weird because I don't know shit about soccer and watching it bores me, even though I like the ~idea~ of it.) I even know when it starts and everything! (JUNE 11.) I remember the 2002 World Cup when South Korea made it to the semi-finals and everyone freaked the fuck out because that was the first time in the history of everything that South Korea had made it anywhere NEAR that far, but at the time I was resolutely unexcited about it. I didn't feel any connection to Korea or soccer or anything at all really so it seemed almost disingenuous to get all riled up. But I saw the World Cup "Shouting Korea!" promos with Kim Yu-na and some atrocious Korean boy band and I love her, and I am embarrassed by them, and we have a Beat the Reds!! shirt, and if Korea goes far in this World Cup I'll get riled up.
Shit-feeling post because I just went to my sister's IB dinner, which is a celebration dinner for full-IB seniors who are about to graduate. (IB, or International Baccalaureate, is an academic program thinger like AP, except more "selective" and more essay/bullshit oriented. There's a bunch of shit you have to do so I guess it makes people feel accomplished when they stay in it for all four years. Predictably I did not feel this way, mostly because I did not accomplish anything!)
1. I felt old but I did not look old, and one of the event organizers mistook me for a student. The complex I have about looking young is that it really fucking feeds into my insecurity about how I don't know how to grow up. Even when I've progressed more through life than an entire roomful of fucking high schoolers, even just numberically, none of that shows in the most basic of ways, and I'm back in high school again. Absolutely nothing to show for years of miserable fuckery.
2. It reminded me of my own IB dinner, and consequently the bullshit surrounding it in both directions: high school, and the start of college. I seriously feel like I'm still stuck RIGHT in that year, 2006. I am amazed at how I'm still alive. And my dinner was a long awkward shitty affair. I hated 90% of everyone in the world then, but especially my IB class. The one good memory I have is that afterward I talked to my bost frond online and we systematically trashed everrrrry single person in IB except for the five people that we were cool with. It took like three hours and it was fucking awesome.
3. The speeches at the dinner were about potential and how much everyone had accomplished and the future and life lessons and whatever. Also I recognized a lot of the teachers but they did not recognize me. These two things didn't really bother me but it made me feel weird and regretful. I feel like NOW I'm ready for high school, like I can do it properly NOW. I was way too... something then. I basically thought I SHOULD be an effortless supercool body-less saint-like intellectual. I thought it explained a lot about myself while giving me ways to improve, a goal of my Completed Person. Of course since I could not be like my ridiculous obsessive mental image, I was all YOU'RE A FAILURE, SELF! YOU SUCK!! and I lost any semblence of a mental image of myself altogether. AND NOW HERE I AM FOUR YEARS LATER.
4. My sister's friend's sister (yeah I know) is a girl I was frondly with during high school. I hadn't talked or seen her since then so I went to say hi, and I got the feeling that she had no patience for me/decided that she didn't like me anymore/thought I was kiiinda pathetic, which was great. And THIS reminded me of another girl I was chummy with during senior year who became quite cool toward to me near the end of the year. I can't think of anything I did or could have done, and you know how well I can obsess about this shit yo, so I kind of think she just decided that she didn't like me. Hahahah this is still what I'm afraid will happen with everyone I know. Just suddenly they'll think of me and go, "Uhmmmm, no," and that will be that!
5. I felt ugly and fat, and stupid for feeling that way, and stupid for being jealous of high schoolers.
So that dinner made me feel shitty because I: relived my miserable awkward high school life, had my total lack of progress in any area of my life summed up for me, felt unappealing and petty as fuck.
I love this song. A couple of years ago my top 5 U2 songs list was With or Without You, Wild Honey, Seconds, Where the Streets Have No Name, and Bad, and I was pretty sure that this wouldn't change because... there would no longer be any real U2 developments. How weird, that my opinions can change, without any instigation at all!!!
1. Bad / Love Comes Tumbling
2. Stay (Faraway, So Close!)
3. Seconds
4. With or Without You
5. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Sunday Bloody Sunday / Lemon / Even Better Than the Real Thing / The Fly / Where the Streets Have No Name
I had a top 5 for the Beatles as well, but it was ridiculous then and it sure as hell would be ridiculous now. Actually I found a crazy detailed meme that had you rank within and amongst every possible subcategory of Beatlology (favorite Beatle, favorite albums, favorite songs within albums, favorite John songs, favorite era, eeetttccc), which was a meme after my own heart. I still haven't filled it out but just thinking about it makes my obsessive form-loving tendencies happy.
I also really like Jónsi's Sticks & Stones, the song that played over the end credits of How to Train Your Dragon. LOLLL this is how far gone over that movie I am, I read the lyrics and I thought crazily THESE FIT THE MOVIE SO WELL, SO WELL!!! That dragon movie just makes me really happy. There are only a few things I wish they would've done differently. It's a good story, told well, and I think it's one we haven't seen in a while. The idea of being able to help an animal is such a pure ambition (wrong word) and I think everyone wanted to be able to do it when they were young. Well, I hope they did. I think that's partly why it seems to strike a chord with people across age gaps? Also, the story can be boiled down to BOY WHO BEFRONDS A CAT and I love boys who love cats. It's such a game over for me. <3____<3 Oh oh oh, and that ending was so boss. I knew what happened as soon as that guy said, "Well, most of him," but I was like "Are they really...??" AND THEY DID and it was fucking awesome. OMG. Loooooove. Also, Dreamworks are fucking up so bad wrt merchandising. They could make a KILLING with Toothless stuffed animals/keychains/everything. OMG they should make those bathrobes with animal hoods for kids, except with a Toothless hood!!! THAT WOULD BE THE CUTEST FUCKING THING IN THE UNIVERSE O M F G.
- engineering-tech-forging-stitching-artist booooy!!
- the animation was REALLY good. I mean, gotdamn, Toothless!! And the details, like the scar on Hiccup's chin and his left-handedness. The cheat sheet flying scene is one of my favorite scenes, the gorgeousness and the ~glory that flying on a catdragon must be. The dragon nest was legitimately unsettling (the sounds especially) and the sheer scale of the big fucking dragon was pretty effective.
- I loved Stoick and Hiccup's relationship. Lots of movies and shows tell you about that kind of relationship but they rarely show it, and that dragon movie really SHOWED it. I loved that moment after the big fight when Stoick reels back, dazed, clearly thinking, "What did I just do?" But that he shakes it off and keeps going anyway, because that's who he is, right alongside being a father who doesn't know how to connect with his son. AWWW
- relatedly, I like how they filled out the periphery, enough to let you know about a history there and to make you want to follow them in the future. Like Stoick and Gobber's ~moment near the end. Years of trust! I think the whole movie is just well thought out, and that leads naturally into rewarding details and full characters and creative creativity.
- DRAGONS ARE CATS!!
PS, Jónsi is the main guy from Sigur Rós. LOL WHY DO I FIND THIS FUNNY!! It's not funny! But I LOL. I think it's because when I first saw the name and I thought it was an impeccable Swedish pop star or something, not unlike Joshie.
I have this dumb id-tastic fantasy that is stupidly dear to my heart: I will be playing good music in the car and the car next to me at the traffic light will be super impressed and enlightened by my exquisite musical taste and they will ask, "Who is that??" and I will tell them and they will say "Good song!!" and I will say, "I know, right!!" and they'll go home and try to find it and they will forever associate that awesome song with the random dispatcher of coolness that is me. HELL YEAH!! Alternatively, they will already know the song and they'll be like, "Hey is that Guided By Voices?" and I will be like, "Yeah," and they'll be like, "I love them," and I'll be like, "I know, me too," and the light will change and they'll drive off thinking, "That girl was legit." HELL YEAH!! I just want my car to impart wisdom unto the masses~
This festival looks pretty durn great. Ahaha when I first saw it I was like how the hell did Korea get all those people? I'm still not used to Korea being a cultural hotspot or high profile. There are some quality bands there. Belle & Sebastian!! My sister and her boyfrond will actually be in Korea then, so maybe! By the by, omg freaking EVERYONE is going to Korea this summer.
It's weird, I'm looking forward to the World Cup. (Weird because I don't know shit about soccer and watching it bores me, even though I like the ~idea~ of it.) I even know when it starts and everything! (JUNE 11.) I remember the 2002 World Cup when South Korea made it to the semi-finals and everyone freaked the fuck out because that was the first time in the history of everything that South Korea had made it anywhere NEAR that far, but at the time I was resolutely unexcited about it. I didn't feel any connection to Korea or soccer or anything at all really so it seemed almost disingenuous to get all riled up. But I saw the World Cup "Shouting Korea!" promos with Kim Yu-na and some atrocious Korean boy band and I love her, and I am embarrassed by them, and we have a Beat the Reds!! shirt, and if Korea goes far in this World Cup I'll get riled up.
no subject
Re: Post-IB Dinner (& IB, in general)... I totally remember the two of you telling me snippets from that epic conversation. You two outdid yourselves that night/morning -- classic. I'm with you on #3. I was a total dweeb back then, and it's a wonder I ever met any of you cool folks. There are so many things I would've done differently if I were to re-live those years.
I love that song. Being that I was such a die-hard fan back in the day, it's strange to realize that I haven't listened to U2 in YEARS. I can't remember what my Top 5 used to be, and I haven't given them a listen in such a long time, but "Running to Stand Still" and "Ultraviolet (Light My Way)" would definitely be up there. It's near impossible to do a Top 5 Beatles songs. I'm not even gonna go there.
Please, please, please tell me you're going to that festival. TAKE ME WITH YOU. I'll squeeze myself in a guitar case if I have to.
I'll be watching the World Cup too! Germany or Brazil are favored to win, but I always root for the underdog! I haven't decided who to back, so I may very well be on Team Korea as it gets closer to the start date.