silent sigh
Jun. 5th, 2010 02:52 am( body image derp )
- aviator/earflap hat
- Sherlock Holmes hat
- dark bootcut jeans
- corset top
- dark thick tights (1 vertical ribbing, 1 patterned)
- burgundy coat
- cool ~party top
- yellow hat
- red jumper dress (FOREVER 21)
- classy party dress
- 'fun' party dress
Damnit I hate 'fun' 'party' 'clothes.' My fucking face is so young, I can never pull them off. I only feel the need to get some because I am terrified of the imaginary day when I will have to go out to a 'club' or wherever the young ones go to these days and I won't have anything to wear besides my striped Gap t-shirts and Costco camisoles.
It is simultaneously very exciting and slightly traumatizing to care about clothes. I am gathering momentum in my :O about clothes and the mall. The fucking MALL! The season doesn't help. I love winter clothes so much. SO MUCH. AMMMGH.
- Sherlock Holmes hat
- dark bootcut jeans
- corset top
- dark thick tights (1 vertical ribbing, 1 patterned)
- burgundy coat
- cool ~party top
- yellow hat
- red jumper dress (FOREVER 21)
- classy party dress
- 'fun' party dress
Damnit I hate 'fun' 'party' 'clothes.' My fucking face is so young, I can never pull them off. I only feel the need to get some because I am terrified of the imaginary day when I will have to go out to a 'club' or wherever the young ones go to these days and I won't have anything to wear besides my striped Gap t-shirts and Costco camisoles.
It is simultaneously very exciting and slightly traumatizing to care about clothes. I am gathering momentum in my :O about clothes and the mall. The fucking MALL! The season doesn't help. I love winter clothes so much. SO MUCH. AMMMGH.
GODDAMNIT I JUST FUCKED UP
This squishy-cute cool guy from San Francisco messaged me, and I replied back, except then (because I'm a loser) I re-read what I wrote 10 minutes later, panicked that maybe I sounded bitchy, AND THEN FLIPPED OUT AND WROTE HIM A SPAZZY APOLOGY EMAIL THAT ENDED WITH "KINDLY PRETEND THAT THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. AUUUGHHH AWKWARDDDDDDD.
Okay I need to stop hanging around OkCupid. It is turning me into a bigger creeper than I already am. o____o
This squishy-cute cool guy from San Francisco messaged me, and I replied back, except then (because I'm a loser) I re-read what I wrote 10 minutes later, panicked that maybe I sounded bitchy, AND THEN FLIPPED OUT AND WROTE HIM A SPAZZY APOLOGY EMAIL THAT ENDED WITH "KINDLY PRETEND THAT THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. AUUUGHHH AWKWARDDDDDDD.
Okay I need to stop hanging around OkCupid. It is turning me into a bigger creeper than I already am. o____o
Tags:
- attn whoring,
- bad place,
- being obsessed in lieu of anything else,
- deep shame,
- don't you know i mean boys,
- dropping the bear,
- hobo corn,
- humiliation is public,
- i am not a furry,
- i hate hipsters,
- i have a fucking light show dumb ass,
- my brains are smashed potatoes,
- obama's icy glamour,
- panicking! at the disco,
- progression of insanity,
- social whoring is the key to success,
- stupid bullshit,
- the stupid is strong in this one,
- the world is cruel,
- unparalleled levels of success,
- what am i doing with my life,
- you can have a maximum of 1000 tags
2008 retro: music
Jan. 4th, 2009 10:52 pmEverything is just for my personal year in music. I don't really keep up to speed with actual current music. Pretty much only things from 2008 I listened to was the disco, Fleet Foxes' White Winter Hymnal, 3 MGMT songs, and Taylor Swift. No particular order!
Top10 6 Albums
Guided By Voices - Under the Bushes, Under the Stars
psst! Ghosts of a Different Dream
The Langley Schools Music Project - Innocence and Despair
psst! Rhiannon
Panic at the Disco - Pretty. Odd.
psst! She's A Handsome Woman
Life Without Buildings - Any Other City
psst! Let's Get Out
Tegan and Sara - The Con
psst! Like O, Like H
The Pipettes - We Are the Pipettes
psst! Why Did You Stay?
I'd like to sincerely thank the disco for helping me not be embarrassed to like what I like. I'm not completely fearless about it, I am still all "whatever will people think!" sometimes, but that is because I am freakishly insecure and dependent on validation from other people, not because of any quel horreur nature of the disco. And the disco has seriously brought me so much love and joy and insanity, it feels wrong to be ashamed of it. (ALSO BDEN URIE IS A RADIANT STAR IN THE CONSTELLATION OF MY UNIVERSE.)
Wiff this, I realized that I was kind of a indie hipster snob about music in that I was hung up about what ~kind~ of person listens to what ~kind~ of music. I thought I had mostly let go of this but it turns out, not so much! I am still resisting actually LIKING Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance's music, but I kind of like both of their most recent stuff. They are the Borg, resistance is futile, etc. There are worse things to be than a Fall Out Boy fan. Hahaha that's so insulting, why am I being such a douchebag? I know I would be hella butthurt if I say someone say "I'm sure that liking the disco is not the complete end of the world" or whatever. Oh I don't know. I think I have to give up the idea of an objective good and an objective bad altogether. Why do I still have this idea anyway?? This entry is just BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M DUMB AS ROCKS. Well this whole lj is, but this post in particular.
Top
Guided By Voices - Under the Bushes, Under the Stars
psst! Ghosts of a Different Dream
The Langley Schools Music Project - Innocence and Despair
psst! Rhiannon
Panic at the Disco - Pretty. Odd.
psst! She's A Handsome Woman
Life Without Buildings - Any Other City
psst! Let's Get Out
Tegan and Sara - The Con
psst! Like O, Like H
The Pipettes - We Are the Pipettes
psst! Why Did You Stay?
I'd like to sincerely thank the disco for helping me not be embarrassed to like what I like. I'm not completely fearless about it, I am still all "whatever will people think!" sometimes, but that is because I am freakishly insecure and dependent on validation from other people, not because of any quel horreur nature of the disco. And the disco has seriously brought me so much love and joy and insanity, it feels wrong to be ashamed of it. (ALSO BDEN URIE IS A RADIANT STAR IN THE CONSTELLATION OF MY UNIVERSE.)
Wiff this, I realized that I was kind of a indie hipster snob about music in that I was hung up about what ~kind~ of person listens to what ~kind~ of music. I thought I had mostly let go of this but it turns out, not so much! I am still resisting actually LIKING Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance's music, but I kind of like both of their most recent stuff. They are the Borg, resistance is futile, etc. There are worse things to be than a Fall Out Boy fan. Hahaha that's so insulting, why am I being such a douchebag? I know I would be hella butthurt if I say someone say "I'm sure that liking the disco is not the complete end of the world" or whatever. Oh I don't know. I think I have to give up the idea of an objective good and an objective bad altogether. Why do I still have this idea anyway?? This entry is just BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M DUMB AS ROCKS. Well this whole lj is, but this post in particular.
all facts are true
Nov. 21st, 2008 01:30 amHere's how you play: Once you've been tagged you have to write a note with 15 weird/random facts about you. At the end you choose 15 people to tag. List their names and the reason why you're tagging them.
( quinze )
Rise up broletariats, tag yourselves!
( quinze )
Rise up broletariats, tag yourselves!
a creative list of things i hate
Oct. 21st, 2008 02:19 am1. EVERYTHING
2. SOCIOLOGY
3. BEING ALIVE
4. "RESEARCH METHODS"
5. ARTICLES OVER 2 PGS LONG
6. ROOMMATES
7. YOUR MOM
8. JUST KIDDING, YOUR MOM IS A REALLY CLASSY LADY
9. BEING TIRED
10. COLD KNEES
11. HATEFUL REPUBLICANS -- WAIT THAT'S REDUNDANT (OHHH SNAPPP)
12. EMAILS
13. TUESDAYS, 2 PM
14. FLIES
15. WALKING TO CAMPUS
16. CAMPUS
17. WALKING
18. ONLY 1.5 HRS OF SLEEP
19. MISSING JON AND KATE PLUS 8
20. EVERYTHING
edit: I HATE THIS ASSIGNMENT LIKE I HATE ALL ASSIGNMENTS
I HAVEN'T DONE LIKE ANYTHING AND IT'S 3:30 I HATE MYSELF BUT I HATE THIS ASSIGNMENT MORE
edit: I AM SO TIRED NO JOKE OMFG
edit: ALSO COMPLETELY UNMOTIVATED
edit: I HAVE DECIDED THAT VESTS ARE INHERENTLY FUNNY. LOL VESTS. AND I HAVE COME AROUND ON MAN CARDIGANS, IT CAN SOMETIMES BE ENDEARING IF THE MAN IN QUESTION HAS A SMUSHED UP GEOMETRIC HEAD AND GOOD HAIR AND WEIRD LADY CALVES AND HUGE SPECTACLES (I'M NOT BASING THIS OPINION OFF OF ANYONE IN PARTICULAR IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING THEORETICAL INTERNET AUDIENCE)
edit: LOL I'M NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE! WHO'S SURPRISED? I AM NOT SURPRISED AT ALL
OKAY THE THING TO DO NOW IS JUST CONTROL MY DOWNWARD SPIRAL
I WILL KILL MYSELF BEFORE LETTING THIS BECOME SPRING QUARTER PART III
FOR THE RECORD I HATE BUYING ANYTHING ON CAMPUS BECAUSE IT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY. I TOTALLY GOT DATE RAPED BY THE VENDING MACHINE TODAY. WHY THE FUCK WOULD A BOTTLE OF SODA BE THAT EXPENSIVE?? UGH THIS DAY IS A DICKPAN OF DELIGHTS LET ME TELL YOU
edit: ACTUALLY I CHANGED MY MIND; I WILL PAY ANYONE ONE MILLION CASH DOLLARS TO COME OVER AND KILL ME IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL
I AM SUCH A MONUMENTAL FUCK-UP AND IF YOU TRY TO DISPUTE ME, BRING IT BITCH. I SWEAR IF WE WROTE UP A LIST MY FUCK-UPS WOULD MATCH EVERYONE ELSE'S STEP FOR STEP AND THEN SOME
2. SOCIOLOGY
3. BEING ALIVE
4. "RESEARCH METHODS"
5. ARTICLES OVER 2 PGS LONG
6. ROOMMATES
7. YOUR MOM
8. JUST KIDDING, YOUR MOM IS A REALLY CLASSY LADY
9. BEING TIRED
10. COLD KNEES
11. HATEFUL REPUBLICANS -- WAIT THAT'S REDUNDANT (OHHH SNAPPP)
12. EMAILS
13. TUESDAYS, 2 PM
14. FLIES
15. WALKING TO CAMPUS
16. CAMPUS
17. WALKING
18. ONLY 1.5 HRS OF SLEEP
19. MISSING JON AND KATE PLUS 8
20. EVERYTHING
edit: I HATE THIS ASSIGNMENT LIKE I HATE ALL ASSIGNMENTS
I HAVEN'T DONE LIKE ANYTHING AND IT'S 3:30 I HATE MYSELF BUT I HATE THIS ASSIGNMENT MORE
edit: I AM SO TIRED NO JOKE OMFG
edit: ALSO COMPLETELY UNMOTIVATED
edit: I HAVE DECIDED THAT VESTS ARE INHERENTLY FUNNY. LOL VESTS. AND I HAVE COME AROUND ON MAN CARDIGANS, IT CAN SOMETIMES BE ENDEARING IF THE MAN IN QUESTION HAS A SMUSHED UP GEOMETRIC HEAD AND GOOD HAIR AND WEIRD LADY CALVES AND HUGE SPECTACLES (I'M NOT BASING THIS OPINION OFF OF ANYONE IN PARTICULAR IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING THEORETICAL INTERNET AUDIENCE)
edit: LOL I'M NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE! WHO'S SURPRISED? I AM NOT SURPRISED AT ALL
OKAY THE THING TO DO NOW IS JUST CONTROL MY DOWNWARD SPIRAL
I WILL KILL MYSELF BEFORE LETTING THIS BECOME SPRING QUARTER PART III
FOR THE RECORD I HATE BUYING ANYTHING ON CAMPUS BECAUSE IT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY. I TOTALLY GOT DATE RAPED BY THE VENDING MACHINE TODAY. WHY THE FUCK WOULD A BOTTLE OF SODA BE THAT EXPENSIVE?? UGH THIS DAY IS A DICKPAN OF DELIGHTS LET ME TELL YOU
edit: ACTUALLY I CHANGED MY MIND; I WILL PAY ANYONE ONE MILLION CASH DOLLARS TO COME OVER AND KILL ME IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL
I AM SUCH A MONUMENTAL FUCK-UP AND IF YOU TRY TO DISPUTE ME, BRING IT BITCH. I SWEAR IF WE WROTE UP A LIST MY FUCK-UPS WOULD MATCH EVERYONE ELSE'S STEP FOR STEP AND THEN SOME
(no subject)
Oct. 17th, 2008 11:02 pmI swear to christ, if another airplane/helicopter/dirigible/hovercraft/spaceship flies over my building, I'm going to stop it with the power of my fucking brain and punch the pilot in the throat. KNOCK A BITCH OUT.
I'm watching videos of music performances on youtube, things like talent shows or otherwise mostly internet famous people. There are so many talented people omg. It makes me feel really good about everyone else and really bad about myself. D:
There's something about people having a deep appreciation for guitar and the guitar music... canon I guess? I don't know how to word this. Like classic rock and blues etc in general, but specifically guitar for me? OMG inarticulate. WELL WHATEVER THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THAT that seems very... omg. I don't know how to express this. It's a dumb thought anyway though. Uhmm there's something about it that seems very wonderful to me. It's not as intimidating or I guess esoteric as people having an appreciation for piano or violin. The love seems quite warm and human. Not that classical music fans have a love that's not warm or whatever, but it's not as readily accessible. I'm totally just talking about my own neuroses btw so just add "to me" after every sentence in this big block of text. I mean the guitar technique fangasm is still lost on me and I guess that's part of what makes it so wonderful for me, that I have no actual opinion on the content of what they're saying so I can just indie douche it up by making up what I think they mean and making it all idealistique and hella ~mystify~ it. But like. I completely lost what I was even trying to say.
It's sort of the same kind of fuzzy mushy starbursty feeling I get when I watched Daft Punk vids earlier this week and saw people in the crowd or wherever flipping their shit, getting really into it, and the youtube comments on the videos and all. I guess what I'm saying is that there's a purity in the community, to me, and I know I'm willfully ignoring allllll the rampant bullshit wanks and arguing about who's better or who's a hack and all, but whatever, this is already totally incoherent. The respect that I see in this kind of thing (lol vague), and that the respect is there because of respect for the instrument and respect for the better parts of human nature, if that makes sense - like respect for dedication and natural acclimations and hard work - and just love for music. I guess it helps too that there's a history behind this thing. Oh man I don't know. Music is just amazing all around you guys.
It's good to have the internets around too, so people don't need to be locked in by geography. Brallllghhhh.
One morbid, sort of asshole thing that I keep thinking about: I wonder if people like Roger Ebert, people who so obviously love uhh creation (whhhy can I never say anything properly omfg), ever feel sorry that they're going to die, not necessarily because of their actual life, but because they're going to miss everything that comes out after their death. Like all the movies he'll never get to see, or the books you'll miss, or the music you won't hear. That sounds so indie douchey. (Oh my god I TOTALLY AM AN ASSHOLE HIPSTER, without all the devastating ~coolness~. :d Spare a tear for me my peeps.) I started thinking about this when he had to get that surgery... last? summer? and I was all worried. Is that weird?
Question: would you rather be fucking spectacular at one thing, or generally good at everything, OR JUST BE MULTI-TALENTED AND AMAZING AT EVERYTHING? People in category C make me want to eat my own brains in sadness.
Let's be honest. I love James Marsden and his perfect face but I will not watch Sex Drive. Why does your face have to be so perfeckt James Marsden? Why does your movie have to look so dumb? I can tolerate dumb shitty (wonderful *__*) rom-coms but I have like the lowest threshold ever for teen comedies. I don't really want to watch that Box movie wif Cameron Diaz either! James Marsden! James Marsden!
I'm watching videos of music performances on youtube, things like talent shows or otherwise mostly internet famous people. There are so many talented people omg. It makes me feel really good about everyone else and really bad about myself. D:
There's something about people having a deep appreciation for guitar and the guitar music... canon I guess? I don't know how to word this. Like classic rock and blues etc in general, but specifically guitar for me? OMG inarticulate. WELL WHATEVER THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THAT that seems very... omg. I don't know how to express this. It's a dumb thought anyway though. Uhmm there's something about it that seems very wonderful to me. It's not as intimidating or I guess esoteric as people having an appreciation for piano or violin. The love seems quite warm and human. Not that classical music fans have a love that's not warm or whatever, but it's not as readily accessible. I'm totally just talking about my own neuroses btw so just add "to me" after every sentence in this big block of text. I mean the guitar technique fangasm is still lost on me and I guess that's part of what makes it so wonderful for me, that I have no actual opinion on the content of what they're saying so I can just indie douche it up by making up what I think they mean and making it all idealistique and hella ~mystify~ it. But like. I completely lost what I was even trying to say.
It's sort of the same kind of fuzzy mushy starbursty feeling I get when I watched Daft Punk vids earlier this week and saw people in the crowd or wherever flipping their shit, getting really into it, and the youtube comments on the videos and all. I guess what I'm saying is that there's a purity in the community, to me, and I know I'm willfully ignoring allllll the rampant bullshit wanks and arguing about who's better or who's a hack and all, but whatever, this is already totally incoherent. The respect that I see in this kind of thing (lol vague), and that the respect is there because of respect for the instrument and respect for the better parts of human nature, if that makes sense - like respect for dedication and natural acclimations and hard work - and just love for music. I guess it helps too that there's a history behind this thing. Oh man I don't know. Music is just amazing all around you guys.
It's good to have the internets around too, so people don't need to be locked in by geography. Brallllghhhh.
One morbid, sort of asshole thing that I keep thinking about: I wonder if people like Roger Ebert, people who so obviously love uhh creation (whhhy can I never say anything properly omfg), ever feel sorry that they're going to die, not necessarily because of their actual life, but because they're going to miss everything that comes out after their death. Like all the movies he'll never get to see, or the books you'll miss, or the music you won't hear. That sounds so indie douchey. (Oh my god I TOTALLY AM AN ASSHOLE HIPSTER, without all the devastating ~coolness~. :d Spare a tear for me my peeps.) I started thinking about this when he had to get that surgery... last? summer? and I was all worried. Is that weird?
Question: would you rather be fucking spectacular at one thing, or generally good at everything, OR JUST BE MULTI-TALENTED AND AMAZING AT EVERYTHING? People in category C make me want to eat my own brains in sadness.
Let's be honest. I love James Marsden and his perfect face but I will not watch Sex Drive. Why does your face have to be so perfeckt James Marsden? Why does your movie have to look so dumb? I can tolerate dumb shitty (wonderful *__*) rom-coms but I have like the lowest threshold ever for teen comedies. I don't really want to watch that Box movie wif Cameron Diaz either! James Marsden! James Marsden!
got no human grace
Sep. 17th, 2008 12:20 amRereading old IM convos and omg I'm so maudlin. I don't know why I use that word so much since I always think of like a French clown in the 60s drowning his sorrows in sherry and wine, which is a depressing and creepy image. (COULROPHOBIA) I guess I just feel like a drunk French clown now.
Senior year conversations. I wish I could've known that it was fine, it was okay to be sad, it was okay to cry. I think this every time I read anything I wrote during senior year, after Christmas.
I'm really grateful to anyone and everyone who listened to me then. I'm grateful now too.
LOL I used the phrase "billy-o" in one of these convos.
I want to rewatch Spaced and Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz but on a proper screen.
Okay today in the car I was thinking about a person wearing huge sunglasses, and in my mind the sunglasses just kept getting bigger and bigger, and I had to STOP THINKING because I got scared???? I explained that really badly. Ugh I also got grossed out thinking about having to write with a giant pencil. There's something freaky about simple objects that happen to be REALLY HUGE.
The pastor of the church my mom goes to is pretty amazing. For the record I am atheist, bordering agnostic, and I can be really annoying and defensive about it, but overall I'm not derisive about religion (or I try not to be), and people like this pastor are a big part of the reason why. In this case, he talks about Christianity the way it's meant to be, a lifestyle guided by compassion and love, toward "God" and toward people and toward yourself. He's just a really cool good guy.
Man this entry was INCREDIBLY disjointed. Wowowowow.
relivingstars (3:30:14 AM): HUH
counttheplanes (3:30:17 AM): LOL
relivingstars (3:30:18 AM): LOL
counttheplanes (3:30:20 AM): LOL
relivingstars (3:30:30 AM): HUH
counttheplanes (3:30:33 AM): LOL
Senior year conversations. I wish I could've known that it was fine, it was okay to be sad, it was okay to cry. I think this every time I read anything I wrote during senior year, after Christmas.
I'm really grateful to anyone and everyone who listened to me then. I'm grateful now too.
LOL I used the phrase "billy-o" in one of these convos.
I want to rewatch Spaced and Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz but on a proper screen.
Okay today in the car I was thinking about a person wearing huge sunglasses, and in my mind the sunglasses just kept getting bigger and bigger, and I had to STOP THINKING because I got scared???? I explained that really badly. Ugh I also got grossed out thinking about having to write with a giant pencil. There's something freaky about simple objects that happen to be REALLY HUGE.
The pastor of the church my mom goes to is pretty amazing. For the record I am atheist, bordering agnostic, and I can be really annoying and defensive about it, but overall I'm not derisive about religion (or I try not to be), and people like this pastor are a big part of the reason why. In this case, he talks about Christianity the way it's meant to be, a lifestyle guided by compassion and love, toward "God" and toward people and toward yourself. He's just a really cool good guy.
Man this entry was INCREDIBLY disjointed. Wowowowow.
relivingstars (3:30:14 AM): HUH
counttheplanes (3:30:17 AM): LOL
relivingstars (3:30:18 AM): LOL
counttheplanes (3:30:20 AM): LOL
relivingstars (3:30:30 AM): HUH
counttheplanes (3:30:33 AM): LOL
- I told the gross nectarine I was eating, "You are a disgrace to the nectarine name." Out loud. Literally talking TO it.
- This morning as I was walking down the stairwell I heard this odd squeaking noise and wondered if it was coming from my shoes, so I stopped walking to check. The squeaking continued. HOWEVER then I started wondering the noise was coming out of my mouf. I don't think it was, but I'M STILL NOT SURE. IT COULD'VE BEEN.
- People usually shelve one cart of books in 30 minutes. I TOOK AN HOUR LONGER THAN THAT. HOMMMG.
- I keep forgetting that I already went to the bathroom and stuff so I keep going to the bathroom twice in a row. EXAMPLE: As I was walking back to campus, I rly needed to go the bathroom so my mental monologue was "Pee! Pee! Pee!" SO I went to the bathroom in the dorm lobby. But by the time I got up to the fourth floor where my room is, I HAD FORGOTTEN. Mental monologue was still "Pee! Pee! Pee!" So I went again, thinking things like "Gosh, that wasn't so urgent!" I only remembered while at the sink, all "didn't I already wash my hands really recently...?" A++++ IN OBSERVATIONS, SELF!
- This morning as I was walking down the stairwell I heard this odd squeaking noise and wondered if it was coming from my shoes, so I stopped walking to check. The squeaking continued. HOWEVER then I started wondering the noise was coming out of my mouf. I don't think it was, but I'M STILL NOT SURE. IT COULD'VE BEEN.
- People usually shelve one cart of books in 30 minutes. I TOOK AN HOUR LONGER THAN THAT. HOMMMG.
- I keep forgetting that I already went to the bathroom and stuff so I keep going to the bathroom twice in a row. EXAMPLE: As I was walking back to campus, I rly needed to go the bathroom so my mental monologue was "Pee! Pee! Pee!" SO I went to the bathroom in the dorm lobby. But by the time I got up to the fourth floor where my room is, I HAD FORGOTTEN. Mental monologue was still "Pee! Pee! Pee!" So I went again, thinking things like "Gosh, that wasn't so urgent!" I only remembered while at the sink, all "didn't I already wash my hands really recently...?" A++++ IN OBSERVATIONS, SELF!
oh the dumb, how i have it
Oct. 14th, 2007 01:07 pmRe-read "How to Tell a True War Story" from Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried today. This book still makes me feel enormously conflicted. Just putting this entry as a placeholder for when I can gather my thoughts better. I got BBQ sauce on the book btw.
- - -
To calm myself down after being annoyed by mon roomie (after listening to some Nina Simone, which also soothed my spirit) I'm going to bash through my issues with this book.
"How to Tell a True War Story" fucked with my head A LOT. I remember reading it two summers ago and feeling FUCKED WITH. I think I can only write about it if I literally respond pace by pace to the lines of the story.
"If a story seems moral, do not believe it. If at the end of a war story, you feel uplifted, or if you feel that some small bit of rectitude has been salvaged from the larger waste, then you have been made the victim of a very old and terrible lie. There is no rectitude whatsoever. There is no virtue. As a first rule of thumb, therefore, you can tell a true war story by its absolute and uncompromising allegiance to obscenity and evil." It's so hard to read accounts of war and not think that it was one hundred percent horrible, that it is and completely is evil. Later when he talks about how war brings you closer to life, how war is beautiful in its own way, when people talk about bonds between soldiers and closeness - it's hard for me to reconcile those things with how bad war is supposed to be. Maybe that's just binary thinking, an unrefined desire to take information to extremes, to keep concepts in strictly delineated boxes. War as utterly contradictory? EVERYTHING IS SO CONFUSING IN THIS BOOK, I AM SO DUMB.
I think part of the problem is this equation with war with truth, and the association of truth as good. If war is so close to human truth, and people in war have then come so close to this human truth -- which I think is what O'Brien argues, with all his "you don't understand"ness -- and war changes you, changes you in an irreversible way -- for better or worse? People are not meant to know that truth, how far people can go?
The Rat Kiley letter thing: an unmanageable pain that manifests in this small ugly way, the small ugly pettiness of swear words when you're really trying to mean it. I always cringe when I read that section though. There's too much history of it, of women denigrated with those words and all other words like it. There's too much power behind it, and then for it to be excused with "because it's so incredibly sad and true: she never wrote back." What about her story, her pain, her brother dead half a world away and a letter written by someone she doesn't know describing her brother as someone she doesn't know, couldn't know, because the war had changed him and she can't understand. But is me asking that going to detract from the point he's making? It's not about our story, the civilians, whose pain is out of negative space and the lack of experience. It's about the ones who were there right? Is it right of me to demand a balanced view? He has a right to say "this is going to about my perspective, that's it". And maybe he's not blaming the sister for not writing back; maybe the "incredibly sad and true" is about the abstract pain of putting your soul and sending it away and waiting and never getting anything back, of silence when someone nineteen yrs old and so so out of his depth can't get even grasp this. And even though it sounds obnoxious, what Rat says, "Jesus Christ, man, I write this beautiful fuckin' letter, I slave over it, and what happens?", maybe you transcend the words and access that abstract pain. Because in war, words become meaningless? Does that mean different standards have to be used in evaluating people in war? Then what does that say about their stories?? OMG SO CONFUSED.
edit @ 6/22/08/
Just noticed this part: "Send guys to war, they come home talking dirty." What does that mean? If you send guys to war, they come back talking dirty, because they no longer can try to soften what they say, they can no longer format and paste their thoughts for polite society? Or they've fallen out of "polite society" and the ugliness of swear words is the way they can express themselves? WHAT THE FUCK, I HATE THIS BOOK, I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT. URRGHHHH WORRRRGHHH.
/edit
Thing that fucked me up: the baby water buffalo story. I still don't really know what I make of it. I think I get it, and then at the end he calls the old woman dumb cooze in his head and calls that story a love story. AND I DON'T GET IT. OMG. WHAT THE FUCK.
This story was such a mindfuck, I swear. I don't think I'll ever get it. Maybe the point is that it jumbles you up? I SWEAR I WILL NEVER GET IT.
For a brief glorious window in senior year, I thought I understood what O'Brien was saying. LOLOLOL NOT ANYMORE!
Thoughts I wrote down from senior year:
In war it's hard to tell what's actually happening from what you think is happening. And that perception of reality supercedes reality. The confusion you feel about trying to find out the truth: THAT is the truth. ??????
But what about the rest of it? OMG. Seriously tell me what you thought about this.
- - -
To calm myself down after being annoyed by mon roomie (after listening to some Nina Simone, which also soothed my spirit) I'm going to bash through my issues with this book.
"How to Tell a True War Story" fucked with my head A LOT. I remember reading it two summers ago and feeling FUCKED WITH. I think I can only write about it if I literally respond pace by pace to the lines of the story.
A true war story is never moral. It does not instruct, nor encourage virtue, nor suggest models of proper human behavior, nor restrain men from doing the things men have always done. If a story seems moral, do not believe it. If at the end of a war story, you feel uplifted, or if you feel that some small bit of rectitude has been salvaged from the larger waste, then you have been made the victim of a very old and terrible lie. There is no rectitude whatsoever. There is no virtue. As a first rule of thumb, therefore, you can tell a true war story by its absolute and uncompromising allegiance to obscenity and evil. Listen to Rat Kiley. Cooze, he says. He does not say bitch. He certainly does not say woman, or gilr. He says cooze. Then he spits and stares. He's nineteen years old -- it's too much for him -- so he looks at you with thos big sad gentle killer eyes and says cooze, because his friend is dead, and because it's so incredibly sad and true: she never wrote back.
You can tell a true war story if it embarrasses you. If you don't care for obscenity, you don't care for the truth; if you don't care for the truth, watch how you vote. Send guys to war, they come home talking dirty.
Listen to Rat: "Jesus Christ, man, I write this beautiful fuckin' letter, I slave over it, and what happens? The dumb cooze never writes back."
"It does not restrain men from doing the things men have always done." This isn't the point O'Brien was getting at, but god that is just another strike against humanity. How history repeats itself; how individual people don't change, so how can we possibly expect this world to be okay? The world is so going to end soon, you guys. I'm pretty convinced of this. Somewhere down the line the only thing we're going to be able to do is make peace with the fact that "oh well, at least I'm not going to be alive" and say a really, really final goodbye to everything we love, and be prepared to know that we've screwed our children over to the nthnthnth degree. You can tell a true war story if it embarrasses you. If you don't care for obscenity, you don't care for the truth; if you don't care for the truth, watch how you vote. Send guys to war, they come home talking dirty.
Listen to Rat: "Jesus Christ, man, I write this beautiful fuckin' letter, I slave over it, and what happens? The dumb cooze never writes back."
"If a story seems moral, do not believe it. If at the end of a war story, you feel uplifted, or if you feel that some small bit of rectitude has been salvaged from the larger waste, then you have been made the victim of a very old and terrible lie. There is no rectitude whatsoever. There is no virtue. As a first rule of thumb, therefore, you can tell a true war story by its absolute and uncompromising allegiance to obscenity and evil." It's so hard to read accounts of war and not think that it was one hundred percent horrible, that it is and completely is evil. Later when he talks about how war brings you closer to life, how war is beautiful in its own way, when people talk about bonds between soldiers and closeness - it's hard for me to reconcile those things with how bad war is supposed to be. Maybe that's just binary thinking, an unrefined desire to take information to extremes, to keep concepts in strictly delineated boxes. War as utterly contradictory? EVERYTHING IS SO CONFUSING IN THIS BOOK, I AM SO DUMB.
I think part of the problem is this equation with war with truth, and the association of truth as good. If war is so close to human truth, and people in war have then come so close to this human truth -- which I think is what O'Brien argues, with all his "you don't understand"ness -- and war changes you, changes you in an irreversible way -- for better or worse? People are not meant to know that truth, how far people can go?
The Rat Kiley letter thing: an unmanageable pain that manifests in this small ugly way, the small ugly pettiness of swear words when you're really trying to mean it. I always cringe when I read that section though. There's too much history of it, of women denigrated with those words and all other words like it. There's too much power behind it, and then for it to be excused with "because it's so incredibly sad and true: she never wrote back." What about her story, her pain, her brother dead half a world away and a letter written by someone she doesn't know describing her brother as someone she doesn't know, couldn't know, because the war had changed him and she can't understand. But is me asking that going to detract from the point he's making? It's not about our story, the civilians, whose pain is out of negative space and the lack of experience. It's about the ones who were there right? Is it right of me to demand a balanced view? He has a right to say "this is going to about my perspective, that's it". And maybe he's not blaming the sister for not writing back; maybe the "incredibly sad and true" is about the abstract pain of putting your soul and sending it away and waiting and never getting anything back, of silence when someone nineteen yrs old and so so out of his depth can't get even grasp this. And even though it sounds obnoxious, what Rat says, "Jesus Christ, man, I write this beautiful fuckin' letter, I slave over it, and what happens?", maybe you transcend the words and access that abstract pain. Because in war, words become meaningless? Does that mean different standards have to be used in evaluating people in war? Then what does that say about their stories?? OMG SO CONFUSED.
edit @ 6/22/08/
Just noticed this part: "Send guys to war, they come home talking dirty." What does that mean? If you send guys to war, they come back talking dirty, because they no longer can try to soften what they say, they can no longer format and paste their thoughts for polite society? Or they've fallen out of "polite society" and the ugliness of swear words is the way they can express themselves? WHAT THE FUCK, I HATE THIS BOOK, I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT. URRGHHHH WORRRRGHHH.
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Thing that fucked me up: the baby water buffalo story. I still don't really know what I make of it. I think I get it, and then at the end he calls the old woman dumb cooze in his head and calls that story a love story. AND I DON'T GET IT. OMG. WHAT THE FUCK.
This story was such a mindfuck, I swear. I don't think I'll ever get it. Maybe the point is that it jumbles you up? I SWEAR I WILL NEVER GET IT.
For a brief glorious window in senior year, I thought I understood what O'Brien was saying. LOLOLOL NOT ANYMORE!
Thoughts I wrote down from senior year:
sense out of the senseless:
- war is senseless
--> stories to try to make sense of it
BUT if the stories make sense it's a lie
because the true ones know what the war was like: senseless
in real life no morals
I DON'T TRUST THESE AT ALL. - war is senseless
--> stories to try to make sense of it
BUT if the stories make sense it's a lie
because the true ones know what the war was like: senseless
in real life no morals
In war it's hard to tell what's actually happening from what you think is happening. And that perception of reality supercedes reality. The confusion you feel about trying to find out the truth: THAT is the truth. ??????
But what about the rest of it? OMG. Seriously tell me what you thought about this.
