kerpingtack | Entries tagged with what am i doing with my life

I googled "what kind of a bird is a robin" for the subject line lol. "American Robins are gray-brown birds with warm orange underparts and dark heads." WARM ORANGE UNDERPANTS! I had no idea that "underpants" was a proper descriptive term in zoology... ornithology (googled that too)... birdology (did not have to google that).

Anyway my day in twitter:

what am i doing? what am i doing? what what what am i doing? with my life? as a person? existing??

fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up...

am i a good person? what does that even mean? does it mean anything that i keep thinking about this? question mark?

i feel like no matter all the rest, what's important is how you treat people. but i don't treat people very well? either on an interpersonal level (utterly incompetent and/or cold) or... on an activist? level (complacent/apathetic).

i guess i feel in turmoil lately because i thought that it was better to do nothing than actively do something wrong/hurtful. but i'm slowly realizing in a real, concrete way that doing nothing sometimes IS the most wrong/hurtful thing, that it just shuts things down. i mean i knew that as an abstract concept, but i experienced it and it's caught up to me.

i guess i attach too much meaning to things lol. prolly to avoid actually Doing Stuff. just sit there and obsess over ~implications~

i'm not actually that bummed out right now, i just can't think of anything else to talk about lol

TUSK!!!

Everyone is posting about Captain America 2 and meta always tricks me into caring more than I would normally, so yeah that's where I am all day, everyday now. I've read SOOOO MUCH FIC. Like literally at least the full first twenty pages in ao3, both sorted by kudos and by date updated lololol. God I am so good at being fixated.

OH OKAY so I went to facebook and scrolled down my newsfeed for the first time in months and of course I see a post from the local animal rescue, with a cat that looks like Tom Tom, who is apparently very sweet and whose owner died instantly in a hit and run accident. The owner had rescued him when he was a tiny kitten and now he is alone in the world. Facebook always brings GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! I'm always happy to be updated about the world!!!!!!!!!!

You know what's exhausting about me is that, like, I just keep thinking "why can't I do this? why is this so hard for me?" What don't I understand? If I could just find that latch, just that one thing, it would unravel at least a chunk, and then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm struggling just to get from this minute to the next. Maybe there's nothing to understand. But then how do I know what to do? Because I don't have anything I WANT to do, just things I want to avoid. So what's the motivation, if not emotions/intuition? Logic - what makes sense, what do I understand of this situation and what's the next step. Just like, WHAT DO I FUCKING DO??? WHAT DO I DO TO BE A PERSON?

Current Music: Fleetwood Mac - Tusk

SCREAMING

MY MASTERPIECE DVD CAME

MY HEAD IS IN A ROAR

I'M SO HAPPY I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING

CRYING & DYING

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

edit

LOL MASTERPIECE DVD PHOTOSHOOT

IDC ;w;

( EVERYTHING IS IMPORTANT )

( i need to sleep more )

Current Music: Stars on Mars - Poster

( ceci n'est pas un pipe: scattered half-assed meta attempt for Jonghyun )

note: under constant neverending edit (NOT EXAGGERATING)
note @ 110723: wow I think I may actually be able to leave this alone now. it's as complete as it's gonna get, beside some ~supplemental source posts I've decided to lose my mind over :d

ANXIETY UGH

Ugh I want EVERYONE to be touching and loving him ALL THE TIME. This is why I have to ship him with everything, there can never be enough love for him for my liking. EVERYONE LOVE HIM ALL THE TIME OMG. Plus, his body is as always too good to be true. That tiny waist omg. PLUS, TAEMIN TOUCHING HIM. (LOL the captions say "Taemin, thank you so much" when he pulls back Jonghyun's shirt.) Has Taemin been more touchy lately? I can't really tell because I don't pay that much attention to him but it seems like there's been a bit more casual Taemin-initated contact? Question mark? PLUS, THIS FUCKING PAPER UGH GOD I HATE MY LIFE

... other vids I've been watching
Jonghyun and Minho hug out of nowhere during the first concerts. I love that Jonghyun got OVERWHELMED with all his feelings during the concert and Minho picked up on that and hugged it out to ground him. And Minho yells "Jonghyunnie-hyung is/it's fine!" at the end of it (or some approximation of that). It reminds me of Key's shout-out to him during A-Yo, which in turns reminds me of the way the both them traded off yelling out Jonghyun's name over and over when they won for RDD when Jonghyun was out with the swine flu. Goddamnit someone write that 1000000 word Hello Baby outtake dynamic fic!! Ah god the way Jonghyun closes his eyes and just is ~in the hug~. It was a hard year for him and I think the concerts gave him (and ~the fans~) a lot of closure. And of course ever since the concerts it's been non-stop flirting between these two on-stage. LOL it's just their thing now I guess. BEST OTP
Jonghyun cut at Immortal Song 2 press conference. I want this job. I could totally watch boring footage of idols and narrate dumb captions over it. Jonghyun provides a lot of good material because he's almost always DOING something. Is there anything going on in his head when he makes those random faces? (I know there's nothing going on in mine when I do it lol.) I'm obviously biased but I'm always amazed at how much SHINee members stand out amongst uh non-SHINee people. Their stupid little faces are pretty extraordinary. I also approve of Shin Dongyup patting his ass because uhmmm I don't need to explain myself to you!!11 No, I do think it's cute when people ~~cop a feel~~ show affection off-handedly like that, especially to someone like Jonghyun who thrives on approval and love. IU and Jonghyun are maddeningly cute together. Just two tiny adorable creatures being tiny and adorable together! Also him helping her with her chair, ugh frondly little gentleman. The way they edited and captioned the bit where they're all waiting for their turn in the photo call is very soash of gendery. Or something. The ease with which the guys dominate the conversation vs. how the girls just stand there, especially Hyorin who's been pretty much blocked out of the ~circle anyway. idk it's not hard to imagine this as representative of (idol) interactions in the general. Society is society. I think the way idols are networked is really interesting. In closing, lmao his giant cuffs.

Why do unfunny people try to be funny? The unfortunate part of internet memes is that it's really easy to pick up the structure without understanding what actually makes them funny. Macros are a perfect example. Relatedly, just because something is meant to be funny does not mean that it is actually funny. I hope people are just going along with the expected call-and-response sequence (ex: "[macro]" "LOL IRL WIN!!!11") because I refuse to believe so many people think all the dumb contrived banality in omona comments is actually amusing. Are we human or are we dancer?

I have no idea what I'm arguing anymore. Crying tears of blood. I wish I could just type up the required 5-6 pages in blog form and hand it in.

dumb vlog

I think my cousin drank my bottle of mango juice. I'm so fucking annoyed, I was saving that. >:((((((

I have a decent shoulder to waist ratio for a man.

oiam is selling a photobook. I... should... not...........................................

I'm so tired these days. I want so badly to give up.

I really like Guster's latest album.

I still think "meet me beneath my vanity" is a much better lyric than "meet me beneath my balcony."

God I'm so fucked about this paper. And my other paper. And my other paper.

UGH LIFE IS SO STUPID RIGHT NOW

IT STARTED TO RAIN HARD AS FUCK WHEN I WAS WALKING FROM THE LIBRARY TO THE BUS STOP AND STOPPED AS SOON AS I GAVE UP AND WENT INSIDE A BUILDING AND THEN STARTED AGAIN AS SOON AS I WALKED BACK OUTSIDE

WHAT THE FUCK IS AN F DISTRIBUTION

I KNOW YOU TEST THE R^2 NULL HYPOTHESIS WITH IT BUT WHAT. IS. IT.

GAHHHHRRR WHY IS EVERYONE SO EAGER TO HATE ON JONGHYUN I'M NOT IMMUNE TO IT YET, IT'S TIRING TO HAVE TO IGNORE IT AGHHHH

AND WAT'S WRONG WITH TUMBLR

okay, done.

( blue moon )

I JUST STARED AT A PICTURE OF JONGHYUN TILTING HIS HEAD LOOKING OFF INTO SPACE, TILTED MY HEAD IN THE SAME DIRECTION, AND WONDERED WHAT HE WAS THINKING ABOUT

I'VE GOT TO GET A GRIP ON MYSELF

Current Music: WAKE UP CALL FROM LIFE

I fucking forfeit this day.

edit @ 4:17AM: LOOOOOOOOOOLOLOOLOL HOW DID I LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT KNOWING ROKKUGO, HOW IS IT SPIRITUALLY POSSIBLE?!!????

I'M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE VIDEO (THOUGH IT IS LOVELY). THIS SONG IS PURE CRACK. HOW CAN SOMETHING BE SO FUCKING KOREAN OMG IDK IDK

HERE IS SHINEE DORKING OUT HARD TO IT
JONGHYUN IS THE ONE IN THE BLUE SHIRT

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL TROT!!!!!!!!!!1

THIS IS A POST ABOUT KIM JONGHYUN

( cavalcade of pics+gifs+adjectives )

( edit @ 101221 )

Dear god I am melting down. Can't eat, can't sleep, my stomach hurts every four seconds, like a little kid's. I've been up since 7. Same with yesterday. And I cried on Friday, and Sunday, and soooo much yesterday. That was basically half my day especially since I have nothing else to do. I am exhausted, ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL. I PHYSICALLY CANNOT MAKE IT UNTIL THURSDAY.

I made an appointment with my counselor at Student Psychological Services but it is ALSO not until Thursday which doesn't really help me. It's before my meeting at least but maybe I will need to see her after it in case I need to commit ritualistic suicide or something. The thing is that if I am not readmitted then I will be charged $75 for the session because I won't be a student. Is it worth it? IS IT??

And I hate having this apartment. The apartment itself is really nice but the landlord is SUCH an asshole, my god, and I fucked up with the bills and I hate everything.

Also I have cramps and my back hurts and I hate the stupid new UCLA map. It offends me with its complicated uselessness.

Here is my lj entry as assigned by neinstories:

chips
I like chips but not as much as I like other things and not as much as other people like them. I like Doritos! I am impartial to poker chips. They could be more inherently satisfying, like if they were made out of cheese or if they had tassels. I think the saying "chip off the old block" is weird. The word 'chip' itself is delightful. chip chop chip~

douchebags
I met a douchebag the day before yesterday and it was not fun! He was a douchebag.

laundry
Like most household chores, the worst part about laundry is putting the shit away. Folding is fine and I like organizing the clothes, seeing order emerge~ from warm cotton-scented chaos. It's like unknotting a string.

fleece
I am pro-fleece!! It encapsulates many of my favorite things, being soft, warm, and fun to say. FLEEEEEEEEEECE. As a corollary, I am anti-wool. Who would wear wool when there's fleece around? (Alliteration! Alliteration!) It helps that I have no problem with plaid or embarrassing patterns. Also, I cannot visualize a golden fleece at all.

pens
I LOOOOOOOOOOVE FINE-TIPPED PENS. Like the hella needle-thin ones. Anything looks good when you write with those. omg. sex. It is the worst when those run out of ink though.

spelling
Spelling is like the easiest way ever to feel stupid. I've let go of a lot of my annoyance for misspelled things but mostly because my spelling has deteriorated. I am a true citizen of the Central Valley.

WOW THAT WAS INTERESTING. Sorry frond my brains are a wasteland. I included the shit about how no one in the Central Valley knows how to spell though.

I'm on an Inception fic binge despite the fact that I have not yet seen Inception. It's like Gundam Wing all over again! This is very likely my FAVORITE paragraph in all the Inception fics I have read thus far:

8 minutes left on the clock. Arthur has unfolded the snuggie and slipped it onto his arms. He digs around in the desk and finds a clothespin he keeps with his pencils, just for this purpose, then he carefully gathers the fabric behind his neck and pins it tightly. Arthur looooooves the feel of the fleece tight around his neck. He sits back in his desk chair, then smiles and folds his legs up by his chest, propping his heels on the edge of the chair seat. Now he’s entirely engulfed in the snuggie. Everything but his head! Why don’t they put hoods on these things, he thinks, or matching hats or something…probably because it would be TOO wonderful.

MATCHING HATS LOLOLOLOL. THANK U LIFE. Strangely this reminds me of this wonderful crack!fic writer in the Yami no Matsuei fandom. Anime will never leave me.

So I guess this is my life, staying up till 5 AM watching the Evan 'brobot' Lysacek portion of Dancing With the Stars on youtube. Oh dumb orange bro, you're so dumb, and so orange, and such a bro, yet so endearing. Also his dance partner is seriously hot. She smiles so big! ilu Anna, u r amazing~~~

This is giving me flashbacks to when I huddled around my laptop for two weeks last year, obsessively watching So You Think You Can ~~Has Cheezburger~~ Dance* and suiciding my GPA into the center of the earth. I still love you, Pasha.

*THIS JOKE WILL NEVER GET OLD

Normally I wouldn't capitalize all the words because you aren't supposed to do that in Fronch but the band is not really French, so ~I just capitalize the way I feel~

I've been sick for a couple of days now even though I was asleep more than I was awake for the same couple of days. The cumulative effect is that I feel like I've been asleep longer than I've been alive. I'm just so tired. I haven't eaten anything all day and yesterday I basically had a waffle and a few strawberries, ende.

I think my flash drive is broken. I am so dead inside right now. I had ALL my pictures on there. ALL OF THEM. You guys don't understand, I save EVERYTHING. There was a fucking CATACOMB of folders in that drive. I'M SO DEAD INSIDE. I have most everything backed up from April 2009, but that's almost a year ago. I KNEW I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE PARANOID

MELANCHOLY

I'm lonely from all the things I don't understand, experience, appreciate, etc. From the time I was in the throes of pre-adolescent fuckery, I wanted to be a thousand different things at once so I ended up being nothing. Depression = paralyzed with hope (tm Maria Bamford).

Plus, I'm super crazy. I've been going to my mom's office to "help" with work (actually I'm useless) and my mom told me the other day that her boss said I was pretty (not in a creepy way). I was flattered for a second before I thought MAYBE SHE MADE THAT UP TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT BEING UGLY. These days I even know I'm not ugly most of the time, so where did that thought come from? Unending paranoia I suppose.

om nom nom new fandom om nom nom Sherlock Holmes om nom nom Jude Law

Half the time he looks like a fucking serial killer and the other half he just looks like an asshole. Nevertheless he is honestly very good at being very beautiful. *____*

Let's get this out of the way: this fucker is AMAZING in the face.

( DAMN STRAIGHT IT'S A PICSPAM )

In closing,

GODDAMN

Current Music: Ou Est Le Swimming Pool - Dance the Way I Feel

GODDAMNIT I JUST FUCKED UP

This squishy-cute cool guy from San Francisco messaged me, and I replied back, except then (because I'm a loser) I re-read what I wrote 10 minutes later, panicked that maybe I sounded bitchy, AND THEN FLIPPED OUT AND WROTE HIM A SPAZZY APOLOGY EMAIL THAT ENDED WITH "KINDLY PRETEND THAT THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. AUUUGHHH AWKWARDDDDDDD.

Okay I need to stop hanging around OkCupid. It is turning me into a bigger creeper than I already am. o____o

Current Mood: MY
Current Location: FUCK
Current Music: LIFE

McCartney II = RIDICULOUSLY awesome, except for the song called "Frozen Jap," which I have renamed "Frozen RACIAL SLUR" in my iTunes. I found ONE interview (here) where someone asks him about it and his explanation is not too bad. Basically, "Frozen Jap," "jap" being an abbreviation of "Japan... Japanese winter... Mt. Fuji... ~Orientalness~," was a working title that stuck. In Europe (at the time? I'm not sure how it is now) the word wasn't too terrible, so he only heard protests after the album came out. He changed the title for the Japanese edition to "Frozen Japanese." I can believe this. It's definitely damage control, but I buy it. I did some (shallow) research and there are indeed regional differences in how offensive the word is. Like in most of Asia, today at least, "Jap" is an acceptable abbreviation for "Japan/Japanese" so... yeah. It's enough to make me feel better. It's good that I found this interview and someone fucking asked about it; I was going crazy for a while. "He wouldn't have called it that if he knew how it's a RACIAL SLUR in some parts of the world... but how could he not know?!? OMMMGGGGG WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?!?" Racial insensitivity is a pretty big fucking dealbreaker for me. Paul doesn't have a history of it, more the opposite actually, but yeah, fuck, Paul McCartney, why couldn't you have saved me the heartache and called it "Frozen Polar Bear" or SOME fucking thing?? Or I wish he would've changed the song title completely, not just for the Japanese version. Well, seeing how I only found ONE interview where someone addressed it, I guess it was not a big enough deal to merit the change. Urgh argh oorgh.

I have a midterm due tomorrow and it's pretty bullshit. Like "write an essay that addresses all parts of a really broad topic in one-page-double-spaced" bullshit. That's not an essay, that's a fucking short answer. The readings are boring and dry and full of a lot of nothing, much like my boring, dry, full of a lot of nothing professor. This MacKinnon person is fucking tiresome. There are like 10 pages of her explaining why all previous work on the subject has been WRONG WRONG WRONG. Jesus, just fucking explain why you're RIGHT or just fucking say what exactly you're adding to the fucking discussion. People are, like, always on the defensive in academia. At least in the social sciences. ~MYYYY perspective is necessary because everyone else thus far has neglected the most IMPORTANT PART EVER!!~ But whereas some writers limit this to the first page or so, MacKinnon just goes onnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnn. And she's uses words like "concomitant" (adj.; existing or occuring with something else; concurrent) and "detumescence" (n.; reduction or subsidence of swelling) and "sui generis" (adj.; of his, her, its, or their own kind; unique) when she could've just said "I am ostentatious as fuck" and "I have poor sentence construction and leave pronouns hanging around willy-nilly without any referrents" and "SORRY YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP BECAUSE OF MY WRETCHED ESSAY." Yeah, me too.

Some guy in my co-op is into 10 year olds who wear corrective boots, I guess, because he hit on me while I walking out of my aparment. At first I was really confused, all OMG DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? Because he just came out of nowhere and was like "do you live there?" I was all "omg I'm sorry I put the regular trash in one of the recycling bins that one time, I couldn't find the bin for the regular trash!!" but then he just uh started hitting on me? He asked if he could ~knock on my door~ sometime and I just said uhhhh okay because I was flustered as hell. WTF I look like a middle schooler. And I'm wearing a boot! Guys, I don't know if I'm okay with pedo boot-fetishists. (The exchange wasn't as creepy as I made it sound btw, I am just scared of people. And LIFE!)

The subject line ^ was the title of an "article" from some trashy celebrity gossip site. It was a bunch of pictures of Evangeline Lilly carrying a surfboard. Her arm wasn't long enough to hold it securely so I guess she had to keep readjusting her hold? I'll always remember it because LOL WTF, what a weird fucking thing to say about somebody. Let alone put together an "article" for.

Still no internet in my room. LE SIGH. I'm on campus right now, flying on AirBears~ (<-- name of Berkeley's wireless network. No, I'm not joking.)

I'm pretty drained. These past two weeks have been rough as hell.

I watched Joshua on Friday. UMMM YOU SHOULD EXPECT TERRIBLE THINGS FROM THIS MOVIE. It was seriously bad-feeling-making. I was kind of distraught at the ending. The feeling of D: stayed with me for a long time, and I started thinking about it last night and got all creeped out and had to think about, like, pillows shaped like cats to wash the taste off my brain. Why the fuck does Sam Rockwell have to be so endearing?! AGH.

I also watched the first three episodes of Flight of the Conchords, season 2. The show's a lot tighter this time around. The humor is sometimes a bit broader too. LOLOL I love Murray. And Bret is still insanely attractive to me. His t-shirts have gotten even uglier. <3___<3

Yesterday I had an EPIIIIC camwhoring session with like 60+ photos. Key words for discussion: seeking attention, vanity, internet culture, physical appearances, fake modesty. By now I can recognize that I am not physically ugly, but I don't think I'm pretty. I think I can look pretty. This "can" vs. "be" distinction has been a big issue for me lately. I was thinking about JJB last week and how my sister and I are always yelling at him to stop being annoying (because omg HE IS SO FING ANNOYING SOMETIMES) and I was all worried that it might be crushing his spirit and whatnot. So I told him something like "JJB, you CAN be annoying, but you yourself are not annoying. It's hard to change the things you are, but you can change things you can be. Sorry for yelling so much. :<" Yeah I didn't make much sense. I don't think JJB quite got it either. But we hugged and it was coo'. ANYWAAAY: I think I can look pretty, which is what enables me to camwhore and put the photos up for other people to see. It's about constructing a positive image of yourself as secretly and selectively as possible. If I thought that I was pretty, or conversely, that I was fug, I wouldn't do this shit. But I'm in that space where I'm still not SURE and am desperately seeking validation. Like "haha, I look dumb and terrible, but not as dumb and terrible as I did in the 50 pictures I deleted, so yes, these are the acceptable pictures of me! Ahaha they're still cute right, and you don't hate me for ~showing off too much beauty~ and complaining about it, right? RIGHT?? OMG PLS THINK I'M PRETTY. PLS LIKE ME!!!!" Umm yeahhhh. >__> Camwhoring is about insecurity!

I tried starting a picspam of Beatles Hitching Their Legs Up Awkwardly High (a trend spotted by

fitz_carraldo's keen eye) but apparently I don't have any such pictures?? *rolls up sleeves* Time to hunt.

Yahoo: "Obama's cool may be melting. The president's icy glamour is starting to wear off, and the White House is getting feisty."
Seriously, who writes these things? Isn't Yahoo one of the biggest websites in the world? Wat?

Ahhhh there's a post on ableism and using the word "lame." I've been trying to curb my usage of "lame" and other words like it for a while now. (Operating on my general rules of thumb that a) it's not okay to assume that words aren't hurtful just because they're used a lot and their social meanings aren't discussed; and b) if you're not part of the original group the word was meant for, you can't reclaim it (paraphrasing Jay Smooth.)) It is really hard though! Ableism is so engrained in our language, it is pretty ridic. Probably because ableism is quite overlooked/invisible? :< Okay, I'm renewing my commitment to stop being an asshole. There are a lot of really useful substitutes suggested in that link.

Fuck man I've been dying these past two weeks. I didn't know I had anything left to get kicked out from under me but I guess I do. It's pretty hard to learn that you can't rely on anyone. I think the difference between "on your own" and "alone" is in ability. Three guesses on which side I fall on, hurr hurr. I am throwing a pity party over here. Ugh, right, let's move on.

Obligatory Beatles-y mention:
(wrt Paul's recent concert in Halifax)

That concert was epic. There were just as many people on the streets and sidewalks and the Citadel as there were on the Common, open liquor everywhere, cars stopped with their four-ways on in the middle of the road, and the police seriously did not give a fuck about any of it. Paul McCartney/Halifax = OTP.
(here)

AWW. I love the shit out of that kind of stuff.
(I wonder if my blogging etiquette is okay? Is copy+pasting comments cool? I operate on "well they're never going to find out" but this is the internet, you can never really be certain of that. Mmmmm oh well, they're never going to find out!)

UM ALSO! BABY JAGUARS. I DID NOT KNOW THEY WERE SO CUTE. AHHMG.

I am cliiiiiiiiiiinging. I don't have anything left to check, do, or say on the internet but I don't want to go back to my sad, internetless room. It smells like sweat and feet. :(

This entry was started on Saturday when I was sadcat and finished today, when I am not so sadcat. Mm.

I was flipping through my bookmarks and came across something I had uh obviously forgotten about. As an addendum to my "rrgh twitter suxx" post: Color War 2008 which, instead of bitching about twitter, finds a way to make it an actual fun social space. Much more constructive. PS, Ze Frank is one of my most favorite People I Don't Actually Know in the world.

Anyway now I will continue bitching about everything. I have a very strange outlook on the world at this stage of my life. It's like pessimistic nihilism with a hair-trigger hard-on for the ~goodness of man and ~worth of life. Also I fetishize hope pretty hard. I am both desperate to and scared of Believing in people, myself, god, anything. It's a sum total of being a fuck-up and not knowing how to recover from things. Instead I'm just devastated all the time. ~Everyday is a risk I can't take because I don't know how to come back from it. It's self-perpetuating fear, yeah, but it's not unfounded. Like, I know my life is worse off for being scurred all the time but what's the alternative? Shit if there's one thing the past four years have taught me, it's that things can always ALWAYS get worse.

The Lexabro's not working. Or worse, it IS working, but I'm so fucked-up and shitty that even with the help I'm still a mess. I'm a really sad person.

I guess I have opinions on X-Men! X2 is easily the best movie in the franchise. The new Wolverine movie looks kinda dumb. By kinda I mean shyeah. By shyeah I mean I wish I hadn't eaten the last cookie yesterday. Emma Frost does not look nearly as fabulous enough as she deserves. That was Twilight-level dazzle in the commercials. I will never ever ever understand the appeal of Taylor Kitsch. He is SUCH A BAD ACTOR. WHY DOES NO ONE MENTION THIS???? HE IS TERRIBLE. Also he is fug as hell. I don't understand anyone. Finally, if there is Cyclops in the movie, wherefore no James Marsden? I don't care if he is supposed to be teenager!Cyclops. James Mraaarrrrrrrrrrrsdennnnnn. *__* Man I wish I was more into comic books.

I went to Fridge's cousin's birthday party on Saturday and got a bit drunk. I don't think I did anything embarrassing but I feel embarrassed anyway. I feel like I am overflowing with want and that everyone can see it. I am neeeeeeeeeeedy. But also, I hate people. It's a tricky situation. For example, I hella wanted (male) attention even though the party was filled with condescending bastards. Tip, you cannot tell jokes to condescending bastards because they will take you seriously and be all "LOL did you JUST say that? THIS GIRL IS SOOO DRUNK." Fuck you, douchebag, I was using my sarcastic voice.

So afterward I missed the last step whilst walking back to the apt and rolled my ankle. Trying to take care of it was a bitch and a half; it took all day today since the medical center isn't open on the weekends. Very convenient, that. It turns out that I fractured the tip of my left fibula. The brace/cast felt like sex when they put it on, omg, soooo comforting. Crutches are hard fucking work. It took me 45 minutes to walk back to the apt when it usually takes 15 minutes and by the end of it I was so tired I could've cried. It was really humiliating and pathetic before I got the crutches though, because I couldn't put any weight on my foot so I seriously had to hop around from like bench to lamp post to side of a building etc. The worst part is that I'm not going to able to work with Library Guy anymore since I can't uh work in stacks. <-- creeper

Midterm was not good. Still don't have a research paper topic. I don't fucking care, I just want to get the fuck out. Even more so with this fracture nonsense.

I am the MOST unmotivated. THE MOST.

Listen I just couldn't do the "stand on the sidewalk and harrass people into filling out my 8 question survey" thing. I REALLY TRIED! For like two hours I sat out there saying "THE NEXT PERSON, FOR REAL, THE NEXT PERSON I SEE, I WILL ASK. SAC UP, SELF" but I couldn't!! I am so scared of people.

This is the worst ever, I hate this assignment. I say that for every assignment but it's particularly true of this one. I want to cryyy. How am I going to write TEN FUCKING PAGES on this bullshit?? ALSO EXCELS INTIMIDATES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I am dumber than dumb.

I just want to go home. What the fuck is my major? Is it soash?? I don't even know. I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING. Seriously, why am I even in school? I hate everything. Actually I really hardcore love the idea of being a philosophy major but I am way dumb for that. WAY DUMB. What the holy hell am I going to do after I graduate? Assuming I graduate. OH GOD. I could teach in Korea for a year. THEN WHAT?? I am never going to get into law school, that's for sure. I have no extracurriculars or laurels or whatnot to my good name. Oh my god I'm so fucked, just so fucked. :((

Current Music: Tullycraft - Our Days in Kansas

I have been trying to purge my music collection. It is currently 18.39 gigs. I have also been Text Twirling a lot. When I close my eyes I see it. *___* So yes, my life is really quite thrilling.

There was a typical loathsome fly in here and I bitchslapped it with a rag. Not hard enough b/c I know it's still alive. May death steal violently unto you, fly.

I finished rereading Howl's Moving Castle yesterday. Ahaha I started it three weeks ago. Pretty choice. Howl's Moving Castle is an incredibly perfect experience.

Now I'm rereading Here's to You, Rachel Robinson b/c I am an intellectual. I think I liked the sequel better but I'm not sure. The last time I read it was, at the very latest, 6th grade.

word whose meaning I always always forget: ESOTERIC
understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; belonging to the select few; private, secret, confidential

I'm not sure what's happening with me, or what has been happening with me for the past two/three years. I think I'm trying to grow up. But it's not working very well.

Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - President of What?

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counting at war

December 2024

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Page generated Jul. 4th, 2025 06:29 am

hither and yon

tacks are very hard to kerp

Entries tagged with what am i doing with my life

extracted from thrushes

SCREAMING

resolved

give 'em all the slip

UGH ANXIETY

going fucking haywire

one line or bust

mysteric mysteric

CHRIST ON HIGH

shit-tastic

YES, THIS IS THE REALITY I WANTED

if i waited for lessons and true confessions

welp

will nature make a man of me yet

AUUUUGH

post eclipse!

evangeline lilly's little arms are a big problem

i like marx

what's happening? beat's important

tonal