counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2011-07-21 07:18 am
kerpingtack) wrote2011-07-21 07:18 am
resolved
- stop being anxious omfg. I get myself so worked up over things, and I don't know why because I know I'm the only one who cares and I know nothing will come of it. I feel twitchy right now too.
- comment on fics. I always feel like I have to run away from my laptop after I comment on a fic but ah I think I'm getting better at it. Well, no, but I'm caring a little less about how durmb I sound. I so badly wish that I could leave clean concise fic comments, but I, like, NEVER know what I want to say before I say it and I have to literally write my entire thought process down. And of course no pithy phrase has emerged by then; I've worded what I wanted to say in a big chunky paragraph. Also by then I'm all tired and stressed out (lol I'm bad at social things) so I press post. And then I run away from my laptop.
It's also difficile for me because sometimes I like fic for really selfish personal reasons (uhhh ctrl+f "jonghyun" the whole thing) and I can't comment about that without sounding rude or backhanded compliment-y. in that case I guess I can only leave a "this was delicious om nom nom" type message lol. also also I like my efficiency at being a creeper but I feel awkward ~showing up unannounced at fics that haven't really been promoted anywhere, even though fics at the outskirts of fandom are usually my favorites.
- possst lessss ;^;
- okay stop obsessing about internet activities in general. I hate feeling self-conscious about lj-ing; I am so fucking self-conscious everywhere else. if I start being like that here too I'm legit going to go crazy. why am I so anxious lately? I think I just feel like I don't know how to defend/protect myself or my ~space, and I feel like lately I'm being kinda pressured to do that. Like at work where I'm not being paid what I should be (I don't think, I haven't asked yet because I'm too intimidated lol) and where everyone thinks I'm cold and useless. In class, well not really. Except the participation grade is 10% and I've only spoken up ONCE. ;; online, idk my lurking is very important to me but at the same time I really do want to give back with fic comments and all. but I want like a guarantee no one will notice me right now. I feel quite the mess, I don't want anyone looking at me lol.
- try to forget how much I hate hipsters. except I have to keep the hate strong or else I might devolve into one D: (legit nightmare)
- eat more regularly
- I need to figure out what I want that faux-meta post to be because it is ruining my life at the moment lol, I can't stop editing it. I originally wrote it entirely for me, just seeing if I could write a meta and trying to explain him to myself via my own personal feelings and thoughts (like I focus a lot on how socially supportive/helpful and affectionate he is because that really stands out to me, and that's one of the things I love the absolute most about him). but now I'm fixated on being really thorough & complete and it's a problem because I CANNOT be objective about him. I love him so fucking much. it's legit really hard (read: impossible) for me to understand why people don't like him lol or why they see him the way they do. idk why do people so often write him screwing up really huge in their fics? besides dramatic purposes. (ugh I really hate when people have a story already in mind and then grab random characters to fill the roles/plot/image, instead of starting with the characters. it happens everywhere but as always, kpop fandom has a special talent for it.) he can be impulsive & short-sighted, but I really think he's emotionally smart about his interpersonal relationships. I mean, though he's not always successful, I think he does try to look after and make the people around him happy in his own way, like Onew said in the kindest member clip. maybe that characterization is a lop-sided/blown-out interpretation of the way he kinda goes back and forth btwn being all caught up in himself/carried away by his own energy, and then later noticing others and settling down. active & interactive. lmao oh god am I going to edit that post again?? nooooo. I can't love him so much!!
- decide wat to do about the masterpiece DVD/oiam photobook overstock sell. it's the international shipping that's killing me.
- phase out 'derp' from vocab, ctrl self wrt commas and clauses, stop using lol and ;~; as punctuation, no more of the constant "I know... but..." sentence structure, cut down on the adverbs and adjectives, try to say things more simply in the general
not a goal (and blatantly ignoring the last bullet point, ~LOL~ ;~; I know adverbs, but adjectives blahr blahr blahhrrr): miss A are legit good. I really like them as performers & I loved everything about their comeback stage, esp the intro dance break and the sets. everyone looks really pretty during this round of promos too. plus I looooove Jia, I'm glad she has more parts than she had in Breathe.
- comment on fics. I always feel like I have to run away from my laptop after I comment on a fic but ah I think I'm getting better at it. Well, no, but I'm caring a little less about how durmb I sound. I so badly wish that I could leave clean concise fic comments, but I, like, NEVER know what I want to say before I say it and I have to literally write my entire thought process down. And of course no pithy phrase has emerged by then; I've worded what I wanted to say in a big chunky paragraph. Also by then I'm all tired and stressed out (lol I'm bad at social things) so I press post. And then I run away from my laptop.
It's also difficile for me because sometimes I like fic for really selfish personal reasons (uhhh ctrl+f "jonghyun" the whole thing) and I can't comment about that without sounding rude or backhanded compliment-y. in that case I guess I can only leave a "this was delicious om nom nom" type message lol. also also I like my efficiency at being a creeper but I feel awkward ~showing up unannounced at fics that haven't really been promoted anywhere, even though fics at the outskirts of fandom are usually my favorites.
- possst lessss ;^;
- okay stop obsessing about internet activities in general. I hate feeling self-conscious about lj-ing; I am so fucking self-conscious everywhere else. if I start being like that here too I'm legit going to go crazy. why am I so anxious lately? I think I just feel like I don't know how to defend/protect myself or my ~space, and I feel like lately I'm being kinda pressured to do that. Like at work where I'm not being paid what I should be (I don't think, I haven't asked yet because I'm too intimidated lol) and where everyone thinks I'm cold and useless. In class, well not really. Except the participation grade is 10% and I've only spoken up ONCE. ;; online, idk my lurking is very important to me but at the same time I really do want to give back with fic comments and all. but I want like a guarantee no one will notice me right now. I feel quite the mess, I don't want anyone looking at me lol.
- try to forget how much I hate hipsters. except I have to keep the hate strong or else I might devolve into one D: (legit nightmare)
- eat more regularly
- I need to figure out what I want that faux-meta post to be because it is ruining my life at the moment lol, I can't stop editing it. I originally wrote it entirely for me, just seeing if I could write a meta and trying to explain him to myself via my own personal feelings and thoughts (like I focus a lot on how socially supportive/helpful and affectionate he is because that really stands out to me, and that's one of the things I love the absolute most about him). but now I'm fixated on being really thorough & complete and it's a problem because I CANNOT be objective about him. I love him so fucking much. it's legit really hard (read: impossible) for me to understand why people don't like him lol or why they see him the way they do. idk why do people so often write him screwing up really huge in their fics? besides dramatic purposes. (ugh I really hate when people have a story already in mind and then grab random characters to fill the roles/plot/image, instead of starting with the characters. it happens everywhere but as always, kpop fandom has a special talent for it.) he can be impulsive & short-sighted, but I really think he's emotionally smart about his interpersonal relationships. I mean, though he's not always successful, I think he does try to look after and make the people around him happy in his own way, like Onew said in the kindest member clip. maybe that characterization is a lop-sided/blown-out interpretation of the way he kinda goes back and forth btwn being all caught up in himself/carried away by his own energy, and then later noticing others and settling down. active & interactive. lmao oh god am I going to edit that post again?? nooooo. I can't love him so much!!
- decide wat to do about the masterpiece DVD/oiam photobook overstock sell. it's the international shipping that's killing me.
- phase out 'derp' from vocab, ctrl self wrt commas and clauses, stop using lol and ;~; as punctuation, no more of the constant "I know... but..." sentence structure, cut down on the adverbs and adjectives, try to say things more simply in the general
not a goal (and blatantly ignoring the last bullet point, ~LOL~ ;~; I know adverbs, but adjectives blahr blahr blahhrrr): miss A are legit good. I really like them as performers & I loved everything about their comeback stage, esp the intro dance break and the sets. everyone looks really pretty during this round of promos too. plus I looooove Jia, I'm glad she has more parts than she had in Breathe.