bowtruckle heart
Feb. 6th, 2014 11:27 amWent off like a champagne bottle on twitter, nattering frothily about Jonghyun. WHAT ELSE IS TWITTER FOR?? Anyway I thought I had more to say about it, but I forgot in the time it took to open a new tab and start an entry, soooOOOoooo just going to record these tweets. Mental erosion continues, scientists wonder "who cares?":
re: teaching. I was notified last week of an opportunity to go to Korea for the spring semester (starting in March - so I would have to arrive in February). They gave me about two hours to decide, and after a ton of stress, I decided not to. I'm happy with my choice but I feel like I have to defend it to people (mostly relatives) because they're like "Are you ever going to leave?" '~~' I mean, I'm still in the applicant pool for the fall semester, so it wasn't a final thing. But I guess it's like how everyone advised me against taking the year off from college, the fear that I'll lose momentum if I keep postponing and I won't be able to actually proceed. And based on what I've been doing for over two full years, it's a very justified fear.
The decision making process was basically that fear of losing momentum and fear of continued stagnation vs. fear of not being ready for such a big change and collapsing without a support system. I keep thinking that this year needs to be THE year for me. I'm 25 now, and now I notice people who are younger and further along than me more than ever. I feel panicky when I think about for too long (so over three seconds). It's a quarter quell year!! EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW.
Bleh I took a break and now I can't remember what I wanted to say for the rest of this, lol. >___> Something about confidence, and how I falter and just want to give up and sit out and watch how other people do it in a mistaken bid to gain confidence. Confidence by proxy or something, where if I can just know it in my head, step-by-step or in a nebula of exacting detail, then I will have no problems doing it. Whatever "it" is, be it ordering something or teaching or speaking to people for the first time.
SUDDENLY VERY VERY EMOTIONAL ABOUT JONGHYUN'S RADIO SHOW
(moreso than usual)
just the idea of trying something new, and being nervous and worried everyday, but it's something that you really want to be good at and that you have ideas for, and that you're genuinely interested in - and you meet people and receive encouragement and love as you're learning. staying up thinking about it, talking late into the night with your family, preparing and psyching yourself up. huhuhuuuuu
i could go on but i will refrain!
no i lied: i mean, i guess i feel similarly about teaching, except i doubt myself second by second instead of being able to accept the situation as it is. jonghyun really is so amazing and admirable to me bc he has worries and stresses, and he's harsh on himself, but i think at the same time he has good priorities and he's able to believe in and listen to himself, and the people around him. he thinks and feels deeply without getting too bogged down - there is an incredible lightness and purity in the strength of his emotion, his empathy.
i say the same things over and over about him lol, but i repeat them bc i mean it anew and with more conviction each time.
anyway i think you can really tell that he believes in his dreams and he believes in hard work and he cares a lot, and i love the radio show
(moreso than usual)
just the idea of trying something new, and being nervous and worried everyday, but it's something that you really want to be good at and that you have ideas for, and that you're genuinely interested in - and you meet people and receive encouragement and love as you're learning. staying up thinking about it, talking late into the night with your family, preparing and psyching yourself up. huhuhuuuuu
i could go on but i will refrain!
no i lied: i mean, i guess i feel similarly about teaching, except i doubt myself second by second instead of being able to accept the situation as it is. jonghyun really is so amazing and admirable to me bc he has worries and stresses, and he's harsh on himself, but i think at the same time he has good priorities and he's able to believe in and listen to himself, and the people around him. he thinks and feels deeply without getting too bogged down - there is an incredible lightness and purity in the strength of his emotion, his empathy.
i say the same things over and over about him lol, but i repeat them bc i mean it anew and with more conviction each time.
anyway i think you can really tell that he believes in his dreams and he believes in hard work and he cares a lot, and i love the radio show
re: teaching. I was notified last week of an opportunity to go to Korea for the spring semester (starting in March - so I would have to arrive in February). They gave me about two hours to decide, and after a ton of stress, I decided not to. I'm happy with my choice but I feel like I have to defend it to people (mostly relatives) because they're like "Are you ever going to leave?" '~~' I mean, I'm still in the applicant pool for the fall semester, so it wasn't a final thing. But I guess it's like how everyone advised me against taking the year off from college, the fear that I'll lose momentum if I keep postponing and I won't be able to actually proceed. And based on what I've been doing for over two full years, it's a very justified fear.
The decision making process was basically that fear of losing momentum and fear of continued stagnation vs. fear of not being ready for such a big change and collapsing without a support system. I keep thinking that this year needs to be THE year for me. I'm 25 now, and now I notice people who are younger and further along than me more than ever. I feel panicky when I think about for too long (so over three seconds). It's a quarter quell year!! EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW.
Bleh I took a break and now I can't remember what I wanted to say for the rest of this, lol. >___> Something about confidence, and how I falter and just want to give up and sit out and watch how other people do it in a mistaken bid to gain confidence. Confidence by proxy or something, where if I can just know it in my head, step-by-step or in a nebula of exacting detail, then I will have no problems doing it. Whatever "it" is, be it ordering something or teaching or speaking to people for the first time.
