resolved

[kerpingtack]

- stop being anxious omfg. I get myself so worked up over things, and I don't know why because I know I'm the only one who cares and I know nothing will come of it. I feel twitchy right now too.

- comment on fics. I always feel like I have to run away from my laptop after I comment on a fic but ah I think I'm getting better at it. Well, no, but I'm caring a little less about how durmb I sound. I so badly wish that I could leave clean concise fic comments, but I, like, NEVER know what I want to say before I say it and I have to literally write my entire thought process down. And of course no pithy phrase has emerged by then; I've worded what I wanted to say in a big chunky paragraph. Also by then I'm all tired and stressed out (lol I'm bad at social things) so I press post. And then I run away from my laptop.

It's also difficile for me because sometimes I like fic for really selfish personal reasons (uhhh ctrl+f "jonghyun" the whole thing) and I can't comment about that without sounding rude or backhanded compliment-y. in that case I guess I can only leave a "this was delicious om nom nom" type message lol. also also I like my efficiency at being a creeper but I feel awkward ~showing up unannounced at fics that haven't really been promoted anywhere, even though fics at the outskirts of fandom are usually my favorites.

- possst lessss ;^;

- okay stop obsessing about internet activities in general. I hate feeling self-conscious about lj-ing; I am so fucking self-conscious everywhere else. if I start being like that here too I'm legit going to go crazy. why am I so anxious lately? I think I just feel like I don't know how to defend/protect myself or my ~space, and I feel like lately I'm being kinda pressured to do that. Like at work where I'm not being paid what I should be (I don't think, I haven't asked yet because I'm too intimidated lol) and where everyone thinks I'm cold and useless. In class, well not really. Except the participation grade is 10% and I've only spoken up ONCE. ;; online, idk my lurking is very important to me but at the same time I really do want to give back with fic comments and all. but I want like a guarantee no one will notice me right now. I feel quite the mess, I don't want anyone looking at me lol.

- try to forget how much I hate hipsters. except I have to keep the hate strong or else I might devolve into one D: (legit nightmare)

- eat more regularly

- I need to figure out what I want that faux-meta post to be because it is ruining my life at the moment lol, I can't stop editing it. I originally wrote it entirely for me, just seeing if I could write a meta and trying to explain him to myself via my own personal feelings and thoughts (like I focus a lot on how socially supportive/helpful and affectionate he is because that really stands out to me, and that's one of the things I love the absolute most about him). but now I'm fixated on being really thorough & complete and it's a problem because I CANNOT be objective about him. I love him so fucking much. it's legit really hard (read: impossible) for me to understand why people don't like him lol or why they see him the way they do. idk why do people so often write him screwing up really huge in their fics? besides dramatic purposes. (ugh I really hate when people have a story already in mind and then grab random characters to fill the roles/plot/image, instead of starting with the characters. it happens everywhere but as always, kpop fandom has a special talent for it.) he can be impulsive & short-sighted, but I really think he's emotionally smart about his interpersonal relationships. I mean, though he's not always successful, I think he does try to look after and make the people around him happy in his own way, like Onew said in the kindest member clip. maybe that characterization is a lop-sided/blown-out interpretation of the way he kinda goes back and forth btwn being all caught up in himself/carried away by his own energy, and then later noticing others and settling down. active & interactive. lmao oh god am I going to edit that post again?? nooooo. I can't love him so much!!

- decide wat to do about the masterpiece DVD/oiam photobook overstock sell. it's the international shipping that's killing me.

- phase out 'derp' from vocab, ctrl self wrt commas and clauses, stop using lol and ;~; as punctuation, no more of the constant "I know... but..." sentence structure, cut down on the adverbs and adjectives, try to say things more simply in the general

not a goal (and blatantly ignoring the last bullet point, ~LOL~ ;~; I know adverbs, but adjectives blahr blahr blahhrrr): miss A are legit good. I really like them as performers & I loved everything about their comeback stage, esp the intro dance break and the sets. everyone looks really pretty during this round of promos too. plus I looooove Jia, I'm glad she has more parts than she had in Breathe.

Comments

[rumble.livejournal.com]

honestly just do what you normally do, it's not like you owe anyone anything and your post is just a post. it doesn't mean anyone can go around judging you or just, idk, pestering you however they want. your lj and what you do here is your business so.

where is jonghyun now tho! w/o oiam and etc i lose track of him/them lol. :c & i rly want that dvd buuuuut i rly shouldn't plus it's expensive as fuck tbh. the shipping is always so expensive as well idk idk idk.

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

but what I normally do is premised on the fact that like no one can hear me!!and that the people who can hear me already kinda know my deal and accept it. I'm only this unfiltered bc it's like out of my control lol, it's not out of bravery or boldness at all. I'm very very squirrelly!! :( but I know that nothing's going to happen to me (lol why would it?? I'm so scurred of people all the time for no reason idk). actually I think I'm only this freaked out for one specific hipster related reason. but I hate hipsters so fuck it right?? ;;

that dvd kills me bc without shipping isn't it only like $30? but with it, it's like more than 2x that or smth. ifkr I have no idea where they are or what they're doing. it doesn't feel like they're promoting anything omg. why won't they give us a show ;~;

& ty again for the mix, I rly like the songs esp the stars on mars & the smiths ones! (but not float on lol but I've had a weird grudge against that song since high school)

[rumble.livejournal.com]

lol but you could just go on pretending no one hears you? it's just you and your flist! and lol this hipster :( yeah fuck 'em tbh. ♥

i'm not sure? all i know is that's it's more expensive than the oiam photobook+shipping which is just wow to me. usually fangoods aren't that expensive, so there'd better be a sextape on there or smth. and acc to twitter they're in japan doing radioshows 1, 2, 3, 4.

and oh lol sry i didn't know that :( but i'm glad you like the other songs, i feel poster is a total fangirl anthem tbh.

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

lol I guess that's what I'm gonna do! why do I make up these crises for myself!

oic :( I feel in my heart I'm going to end up ordering it in a moment of 5AM weakness though. That DVD preview was edited so well ;;

lol noo don't apologize, it would be crazy if you knew that! ooo okay I'm gonna pay attn to the lyrics when I listen again

[rumble.livejournal.com]

well if it makes you feel any better i am starting to agree with you re: this hipster reason! :c

ik i'd like it just to see who that random person jonghyun is talking to is

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

this (http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lorkljU1ZW1qdl5ar.jpg) is depressing to me, idk. why does Onew have his other arm up like that? he's like blocking himself off. would it be so bad if your bodies actually made contact?? :(

[rumble.livejournal.com]

lol irl this is turning out to be the deadest ship in the history of ships. meanwhile!!

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

L M A O O O O M GGGGGGGGGG those shameless bitches, ugh I love them!! I seriously do. brings a tear to my eye :')

[spacejunks.livejournal.com]

You might not believe me, but I used to run away from my computer too, after initiating some sort of online contact, lol ;; Honestly, I don't know how I got out of that stage, but I got out somehow!

Yes please eat regularly!! ;;

And! um I just wanna remind you that every goal and thing is a process, ok? ♥ It might take a while but you'll get there, whether it be a comfort zone or sleeping soundly and such ♥

:)) sobbing i love skorea and their huge gifs

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

lol it's so strange how we have such physical reactions to these things. I run away after even READING emails sometimes too ;;

I'm trying to be better! omg I just remembered that I bought peachs like three weeks ago holy shit :O

oh ty! yes it's hard to keep that in mind even when I tried to make the goals as short-term/easily achievable as possible. (well except for STOP BEING ANXIOUS lol okay I'll get on that right away self!) lol everyone's always so nice about my entries about the ways I fail. ;; but yes ty again for the encouragement. it's a process it's a process I'm going to try to remember that!

CRYINNNG THANK YOU FOR LINKING ME ;~; HE LOOKS LIKE A SCULPTURE, A SCULPTURE OF PERFECT CAKE AND BEAUTY AND MY HEART IS POUNDING AND ALL HE'S DOING IS BLINKING WHY WHY WHY

[spacejunks.livejournal.com]

peaches are delicious WHY ARE YOU AVOIDING THEM :(

ok one more because onew gives me a bad case of second hand embarrassment and i need to share with someone. i don't understand him!!!!! and yes i am perverted ._.

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

lol I ate one and then I had some kind of weird reaction, idk if it was BECAUSE of that but immediately after my face got itchy and my nose hurt and I was like wtf bc... wtf I'm not allergic to peaches. and then I forgot about it lol

LMAO I WAS SO GROSSED OUT WHEN I SAW THAT whyyy Onew why! but this (http://blogfile.paran.com/BLOG_901911/201107/1311169152_1.gif) is qt, it gives me hope that it's mostly weird editing that we don't see him lately and that he hasn't been that closed off or distant!

[spacejunks.livejournal.com]

even the barest amount of pesticides will give me some sort of reaction ;; hopefully that doesn't happen again!

know right, i am giving him the side-eye so hard. fanservice, dude, and don't bring your mean streak (which I agree with you and others, that he has one) into it okay.

lol i am guessing he's hurrying in to eat. wibbles onew ;~; be healthy and happy please

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

oh wow! are you organic-only then? (and I hope not lol I'm eating another one and I feel paranoid)

idk I feel kinda uh mean calling it a mean streak, but maybe that's just my own weird semantic hang-up bc I have no problems yelling ONEW YOU ASSHOLE lol. but poor Key, why didn't he run away! he & jjong both have no survival instincts, they'd be goners in the wild

aww dinner time at the hutch! he's so qt when he's happy, I really wish he was more expressive in any kind of way

[spacejunks.livejournal.com]

nah i'm not. i can't afford to be, lol. most of the time i just put up with it and it just makes me a little itchy in the throat. apples are the only thing that are thin skinned enough (and they use lots of fertilizer? american apples are huge) to make me start losing my voice. otherwise i'm ok!

LOL i'm sure he has his asshole moments. kid is guarded and i have no idea how to begin to even talk about him. i was thinking about that earlier, how i don't really have an interpretation of him except that he is awkward and works hard ahaha

me too ;;

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

oh I see :( it legit costs so much more when you have any kind of special food issue/need. it's good that the reaction isn't too harmful though ;;!!

oh but you have so many interesting thoughts re: him and his awkwardness and hard work! I'm glad we had that huge "wat's up with Onew" convo the other day; I still don't get him lol but I feel like now at least I know why I don't get him. before I was just ???? everywhere

[spacejunks.livejournal.com]

last night I read bits of our conversation again and realized that you'd used "propriety" before! augh i am slow ;___; I feel like my end of the conversation was basically me sleepily chasing my own tail ahhahaha :( but it helped me think beyond "Onew is a multiple trick weird pony that's so happy go lucky!" Because, well, most times I suppress my inner fangirl, thinking that delving will further make myself use up even more time thinking about rpf lol

I'm glad it helped you too!

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

lol omg I'm kinda glad you didn't notice because I feel like I've used it almost every time I've talked about Onew! same with Key and ~control issues~, Minho and "supportive," and Taemin and "bratty robot." I repeat myself too much ;;

I think for now I've settled on this line of reasoning: Onew is awkward and works hard, but is repressed/bottles things up/doesn't complain so he pushes himself, burns himself out, doesn't let himself let go with SHINee for whatever reason, and instead frolics & feels his youth or whatever with people completely outside of his responsibilites (out of the grp, out of the company, etc). also he is probably too concerned with SHINee's image, like to the point where he doesn't trust himself with it? lmao that backstage interview clip you linked me is still on my mind, why didn't he talk!!

[spacejunks.livejournal.com]

awww, well i find it useful! and these phrases stick for a reason, y'know? Sure, we don't actually get to talk to them, but we do get to see a lot of who they are. There's real traits there, still.

I agree with everything you've said. I'd also throw in that there's probably some missing factors we don't know about so we can't account for them. He does have some sort of social life, with all this name dropping random people are doing. But I wonder if there's some sort of pressure that's not getting any sort of outlet... other than him looking like he dramatically lost a lot of weight in a week. I'm trying to not worry about him, but I was looking at the backstage Vogue shoot for SMTown Paris and there's two photos: him with a laptop, sitting, and one of him on stage. Others are when they're shots of the entire group. I. just. Where is he?

lol Onew's so much cuter in the MV shooting sketch than he is in the mv itself ;; His talking is bare minimum. (Though I am happy that Key seems to be having loads of fun, trolling and all!)

ok I have to sleep, I hope you can sleep well. It's always so nice to talk to you!!

[counttheplanes.livejournal.com]

I agreee. lol as you know, I have several feelings about rpf and why characterization is a legitimate thing in fic.

Yeah, there's very likely a lot of stuff completely out of the public eye. As you said he does have a social life, so I'm not worried that he's lonely or anything. But it's that he doesn't seem to be connecting with the people he's around the most, his group members. Like, he's just physically not with them these days! Seriously, where is he?? He wasn't in the smtown in Paris bts segment like at all (jujugal even said something like "onew is hard to see :(" when she posted her subs). And it doesn't seem like he's in much of the concert media either.

Yeah he looked like he lost weight really fast, idk what that was about. I wonder about the pressure too, that's probably one of the missing factors. I was talking to rumble about this before; I think acting would be a good outlet for Onew. I think he'd be good at it, for one, and he'd probably enjoy it since he seemed to really like his musical. But ooh I can't remember exactly, but she said it really well; like, acting would kind of let him be someone else but not at his own expense. Like his own public persona wouldn't be impacted or put at risk, and by extension neither would SHINee's and idk I think it'd help him blow off a lot of steam. (Of course the problem here is that he'd probably abandon SHINee and frolic with all the cast members again ;; unless he acted WITH SHINee... lol DISASTER)

ty! g'night! or ah I hope that you've had a good rest by the time you read this. I always like talking to you too!! <3