hither and yon

It's the last week of the quarter now and the pressure is making my head cave in. I keep having all these surreal moments where I feel like I'm tilting out of my fucking life. I have so many fucking papers to write. omg why did I do this to myself again. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I still haven't gotten the incomplete grade from last quarter settled either. I am a master of self-sabotage.

Also my left hand keeps shaking. Why are you doing this to me body? TO US??

What happened to Daesung of Big Bang/what Daesung of Big Bang did (I'm still a little confused on what the fuck actually happened) is seriously one of things I'm most afraid of. I fucking hate driving.

I spent a while rereading old entries again. I really can never tell if I'm more wretched than I was then or less. I think I'm less like ~intellectually curious now, though that doesn't take much. I've closed up a lot and I'm really so fucking disenchanted with school and academia. It's tiring to like... think. Ahaha. Fuck shit I need to get my work done.

I went on a mini-death spiral of related videos on youtube. For some reason it turned into like a tour of mathematical kpop; I watched B2ST, 4minute, 2NE1, and f(x). I really like Hyuna! She's fun to watch not just for the obvious (hot) but because she looks comfortable and like she's actually enjoying herself when she dances, and that goes a long way towards ~me being comfortable and enjoying watching her. She's one of the girls in kpop that I think really owns her sexuality, or if not that, at least is comfortable with her body and its capacity to move. Like, she's not afraid of following through, like with using her hips all the way, etc. I also like Minzy, she's really cute. And all of f(x). Krystal and Jessica both have that weird ~it~ quality on-stage. (I'm quite prickly about comparing sisters but in this case I do think they have a similar presence.) Uh B2ST was really underwhelming. I admit that I have some stuff built against liking them though, like the fact that I don't find any of them attractive in the least, none of them have distinctive voices, and they have too many counts of cultural insensitivity/unnecessary fuckery associated with them, intentional or not (Kikwang's blackface itself and the band members' comments on it, refusing to wear kimonos in Japan, ). I don't really hold them accountable for those things but it's work to block it out. God I still live in terror of the possibility of my favorites revealing themselves to hold the fucked up normative views on race, gender, etc. THE BUBBLE MUST STAY PROTECTED ;~~~~~;

I LOVE SMTOWN'S LET'S GO ON A TRIP. The Korean word has like a connotation of vacationing/holidaying, idk, it makes it really really cute to me. And I love when a bunch of people are sining cheerfully together. (Caveat, also when they're at least trying to be in tune. I hate that joyless limp hipster indie twee shit.)

And I really really like SHINee's Scar. Is it not popular with the fandom or something? I never hear people talking about it. It's pretty damn good.

Finally caught up on Parks & Rec! LESLIE ;~; Leslie/Ben is cute and all but I think my favorite relationships on the show are Leslie/Ann and Leslie/Ron. And Ron/Parks dept. ahaha. UGH the ending of the uh second to last episode, omffffg SO PERFECT I was like clutching myself for dear life. Otherwise! Jean-Ralphio is a good example of how a perfectly executed character can become annoying with overexposure. Uhh Chris is also the other obvious example. LOL I'm really really annoyed with him and how the show is pushing him now. WHAT THE FUCK at that ~comforting the crying woman scene. My sister and I were like disgusted, lol. I really really hope they drop the Jerry bullying joke for the next season. They've already sort of toned it down from season 2 so I hope that continues. It's the only thing that honestly bothers me about the show. It's too reminiscent of the Office.

I know kpop is cute but why is the fic also so cute? LOL that's such a vapid way of phrasing it. I mean everything's really ~vanilla. You can really really tell the fandom is young by the fics. It's not necessarily bad but uhh sometimes it makes me forget how fics ~can be written. The fic isn't known for innovation or variety. Man I feel so crotchety when I complain about kpop ficdom. Ugh I've never been SO emotionally invested in a fandom like this before. I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE LEGIT IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE FROM MANUFACTURED POP BANDS

LOL omg I haven't finished a new book in like two years. Besides children's books that JJB was also reading. Oh wait that's not true, I read the Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi last spring ahahaha. I'm so uncultured, I can't get into anything anymore. I'm really character-based too. I can't get through anything if I don't give a shit about the people I'm reading and so often books are about boring douchey people doing boring douchey things. It's not even realistic or anything, it's like stylized privileged boring douchiness. Listen I get enough of that in real life, fucking please do something else. This isn't news or anything, but that's why I read fic so much and why ~characterization is the most important to me. The best function of fic for me is that thing that one guy talked about (MY IMPECCABLE MEMORY) about how discussing the media is a way of extending the experience. It's an extension of my love for the people/media product itself. Oh god what the hell is this paragraph about. Fic is really valuable and interesting for a lot of reasons but personally it works for me because I'm already invested and I don't have to work to care. LOL EMOTIONAL LAZINESS

LOL just sitting here saving pictures from tumblr and listening to the Sound of Music soundtrack. Anything to avoid work.

I was writing a big thing on kpop fic fandom but I got side-tracked by things I would like to read. Why can't I write, I have so many perfect ideas!!!

( disclaimer, i am insane )

--------------／l、-------------
------------ﾞ（ﾟ､ ｡ ７ -------------
--------------l、ﾞ ~ヽ --ღ-------
--------------じしf_, )ノ ----------.

EHEHEHE okay I drank half a can of an energy drink for the first time in my life~ and I am ehehehehehehe omg twitching. TWITCHING. FUCK OKAY LET ME TELL YOU MY DAYS, ALL MY DAYS

WEDNESDAY: SOASH OF EDUCATION PAPER DUE, DESTROYED FOR ENTIRE WEEK IN COMBO PROCRASTINATION-NO SLEEP-FUCKED UP WORK SCHEDULE-DOPROSSION
THURSDAY: SOASH OF CONVO STRUCTURES EXERCISE 2 DUE
FRIDAY: 5 HRS OF WORK, DRIVE 5 HRS HOME FOR...
SATURDAY: JJB'S 10TH BIRTHDAY!!! AHHHH AWESOME
SUNDAY: CHURCH, TJMAXX & ROSS WITH SOME A-HOLE, DRIVE 5 HRS THROUGH THE NIGHT BACK HERE
MONDAY: SOASH OF EDUCATION READING SUMMARY DUE
TUESDAY: SOASH OF CRIME MIDTERM LOLOOLOLOL B- AT BEST
WEDNESDAY: SOASH THEORY MIDTERM LOLOLOLOL D: WHY
THURSDAY: SOASH OF CONVO STRUCTURES EXERCISE 3 DUE

THIS WAS ALL IN CAPSLOCK BECAUSE I THOUGHT I HIT THE KEY WITH MY PINKY HARD ENOUGH BUT I DIDN'T AND EHEHEHEEHHEH FUCKING TWITCH TWITCH

okay. omg my chest is all hollow and shaky and overwhelmed. And I just listened to Lucifer backwards because my iPod is a testament to my obsession and I have shit like Lucifer backwards on it. IF ONLY I HAD A FIVE MINUTE RECORDING OF KPOP PEOPLE JUST BREATHING TOO, I WOULD PUT IT ON MY IPOD AND FIVE DIFFERENT PLAYLISTS TOO!!!111

I forgot to write down my new years resolutions (or make them) but I'm saying them now.
1. GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
2. comment more on lj
That;s it. I have no other goals I think I could reach, ahahaaa. I;'m not even boterhing to be like "loooool lose weight loooooooool" or "make fronds." how the fuck would either of those things happen. I will be friendless and dumpy for the rest of my life.

also I am sort of achieving toward 2!!1 I ahve commented like 5 different times on the bitchy kpop anon meme, which was terrifying and made me feel accomplished. LOL the first time I commented someone page-breaked (that's when someone fucks up the html for the entire page of comments or whatever, idk anything about anything) and it scared the shit out of me. I thought I did it accidentally or something. I love the anon meme. Tehre's a fight club kind of code around it but no one reads this and also I drank half a can of an energy drink and I get fucking wired from soda, my system is not prepared for this. It is so soashilogically interesting and I'm dumb, I think all the memes and nicknames and exclusive in-joke language are really really funny.

microsoash is so dumb and pointless to the history of humanity and the universe. It's like other people's dreams; that shit is only itneresting to the person talking about it. That is my way of saying that later I am going to write giant dumb paragraphs about kpopsecretmeme2 and how much I love it soashilogically.

There's something fascinating about negative opinions. No follow-up, just saying. I love the "there's something [adj] about [noun]" sentence structure. It evokes the vague emotion I have toward the noun without actually saying anything, eheheheheheh.

I will comment on a bunch of kpop fics too. I am going to put myself out there and hope no one will ever click back to my journal and see all this bullshit.

The only thing the people I love fannishly have in common is that I love them. <3__<3

all my percolated SHINee-related thoughts
- lol their Seoul Music Awards acceptance speeches. those bitches weren't even thinking about mentioning Jonghyun. ilu Minho, thank god you're there to be lovely and considerate~ In general, I think Minho and Jonghyun are the most openly affectionate/frondly members of the group and they do the shout-outs. like Jonghyun mentioning Minho's birfday during the GDA speech and the "Onew-hyung are you watching~"
- tbh I also think they're the two who like SHINee the most even though Minho isn't that musically relevant to the group and though Jonghyun is a moody lazy shit sometimes about it. they're the two who really love everyone in SHINee I think. Onew, Taemin, and Key are clearly SO much closer to people outside of SHINee that it's kinda depressing but there's not that much of a clear marked distance for Jonghyun and Minho and the group. at least to me. okay I think too much about this.
- I seriously love Jonghyun so much. G20's Let's Go came up on shuffle and his part came up and it was just so pleasing and I felt smiley and I love him.
- I think Onew has a better natural voice (his tone/texture), but Jonghyun is the better singer. Not just in technique and control and range, but in understanding/interpreting the song and emoting and being versatile. They are both rly talented though.
- All I really want to do is post kpop youtube videos and talk about them, post kpop songs and talk about them, and post kpop pics and talk about them. I have so many feelings. 

JJB IS 10 YEARS OLD NOW!! AAHHHH <3

C:\Documents and Settings\My Documents\My Pictures\SHINee
1,119 files

( a sample of filenames )

this entry is subtitled, I DON'T WANT TO DO MY STATISTICS HOMEWORK

LOL OKAY I'M FINISHING THIS

MY SPIRITUAL PROBLEM WITH KPOP WOULD BE THE SAME PROBLEM I WOULD HAVE WITH ANY KIND OF SUPER-MAINSTREAM MEDIA AND THE KIND OF MENTALITY THAT ATTRACTS IN THE FANDOM

THUS: FUCK YOU CAPITALISM AND FUCK YOU CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Now there will be nothing but shallow capslock fangirling.

- I fucking hate regression.
- LOOL idk what's going on, but I hope that tumblr's day of reckoning has come even though the fuckyeah fan tumblrs are useful as hell. No one credits anything over there. Go balls out, 4chan.
- I've been listening to a lot of Kelly Clarkson lately and christ, the warmth and personality in her voice is seriously amazing. I really love her. Pop music at its best.
- On the other hand, good god, Jonghyun, why are you listening to Justin Beiber???
- AND DON'T BE A HIPSTER
- AND KEEP LOOKING LIKE THIS *_______________*

lol even with this relentless kpop spam, I really have been holding myself back. This shit would look like a fucking twitter if I posted everything I wanted. Anyway, brb cobbling together another huge megapost about why I am in love with Jonghyun.

- omg "kpop talented." This phrase is so unfortunately useful.
- GOD I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. *downloads Super Junior song* Well, it was already over once I heard Rokkugo.
- I really love Hoot. SNSD seem to like this concept too. It's so fun and playful and sly! Too bad about Tiffany and Sunny's hair though, and Taeyeon's wig. WHO THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. Man I cannot get over how fucking gorgeous Sooyoung looks right now. Her hair is so pretty and she looks a mile long during the performances omg. I hope they promote her hardcore now. I mean, she's consistently at the bottom of the SNSD popularity rankings, which blows my mind. Have they never seen her on variety shows or heard her on the radio?? SHE IS THE BEST.

oh jesus, SM's put an official hold on Jonghyun. I don't bleev the conspiracy theories, though I do get myself all worked up over them just for recreation I guess, but I do think there's something weird going on. SM likes to do this thing where they let someone take a break because of an "injury" and then phase them out of existence. You for real never hear about that person again. ("Injury" is in quotation marks not because they're not actually injured, because they are, but because usually they'd still be back to work unhealthily quickly. Minho tore ligaments in his knee earlier this year and he was dancing within like a month and he didn't get to sit out all of the Lucifer promotions. wtf is SM doing.) DO NOT BE THE NEXT AMBER, JONGHYUN, STAY IN KOREA AND COME BACK TO SHINEE SOON. ;______;

- I have work in stacks today. Christ on earth. Is it logically possible for someone with that blonde/black skunk hair to not be completely disgusting? There's this skinny white hipster with that hair on my shift and she is such a fucking moron. She and this other terrible douchebag were fucking around with the books we were intershelving and the douchebag was "reading" a Vietnamese book and she was like, "LOLOL VIETNAMESE IS UGLY." BITCH, YOU'RE UGLY, SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND KEEP YOUR PRIVILEGED HONKY THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. 
- ... uhh I'm working on cutting down on the gendered insults. And calling people honky.
- Soda has such a strong effect on me. I had a glass of Coke yesterday and my heart felt like it was trying to crawl into my hands. idk if it's the sugar or the caffeine.
- Pet peeve: half-assed passive-aggressiveness on the internet. Somehow it's 1000000000x more viscerally annoying to me than in real life. I didn't care about your comment until you added your stupid *shrug* or "I'm sorry, but..." or whatever, but now I want to punch you in the throat. Goddddd I hate it when people use *shrug*. Number one irrational hate boner.
- As the day got colder yesterday I just put on more and more clothes until I looked like I was ready to hipster jazzercise. Hipstercise? I had shorts over leggings over socks and a cardigan. CARDIGAN. 

My intro soash professor continues to be terrible. I am crafting my response on the professor evaluations they give out near the end of the quarter. You know those people who use up the entire ten minutes+ to do the evaluations and you think "wtf are you writing?!" I WILL BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. So far my thesis is, "The unbearability of being in his class has less to do with his failings as a teacher than his failings as a human being."

Work complaint: I am annoyed with people who don't print out all the received lists, or people who do but don't put them in the tray. I don't know if I should reprint them or if someone is just being a withholdding whore. Just do what the good lord meant for you to do.

I want to do some kind of nation-wide survey on why people tell other people their backpack is open. I don't care if my backpack is open but I care that other people always have to tell me. They startle me!! Anyway most of the time it's not like my backpack hanging open and babies are falling out, it's usually just kinda flapping about. It's structurally secure you guys, don't worry.

I find it REALLY AMAZING that I can remember exactly where almost all of my songs came from. I mean, I think most people can, but for me specifically, I just can't believe my brain has that capacity. It can't hold what the fuck variance means after like six different statistics classes, but goddamn if it doesn't remember that I downloaded Save Ferris's cover of Come On Eileen in December 2008 from covers' week at audiography.

doot doot doot

I AM GOING BONKERS OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME

IF I CANNOT FINISH THIS PAPER TODAY

I WILL

LITERALLY

DIE

WHY IS THIS SO HARD, I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS CONTINUOUSLY LIKE NIGHT AND DAY FOR TWO WEEKS AND IT IS STILL NOT FINISHED AND IT IS ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE 6 - 10 PAGES DOUBLE-SPACED WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

AND NOW MY EARS ARE RINGING!!! GREAT I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE A STROKE OR SOMETHING THAT IS GREAT

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE 5 HOURS OF SLEEP I'VE BEEN AVERAGING FOR THE PAST WEEK OR THE CAN OF CHERRY COKE I JUST DRANK

CAPS CAPS CAPS

I AM SO SAD IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! THIS PAPER IS NEVER GOING TO BE FINISHED 

LOOK AT ALL MY TAGS, I HOPE THEY ARE AS LONG AS THE ACTUAL ENTRY

WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY AND WHY ARE THEY ALL SO RELEVANT

HOBO CORN

OBAMA'S ICY GLAMOUR

BILLY IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE

I am the MOST unmotivated. THE MOST.

Listen I just couldn't do the "stand on the sidewalk and harrass people into filling out my 8 question survey" thing. I REALLY TRIED! For like two hours I sat out there saying "THE NEXT PERSON, FOR REAL, THE NEXT PERSON I SEE, I WILL ASK. SAC UP, SELF" but I couldn't!! I am so scared of people.  

This is the worst ever, I hate this assignment. I say that for every assignment but it's particularly true of this one. I want to cryyy. How am I going to write TEN FUCKING PAGES on this bullshit?? ALSO EXCELS INTIMIDATES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I am dumber than dumb.

I just want to go home. What the fuck is my major? Is it soash?? I don't even know. I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING. Seriously, why am I even in school? I hate everything. Actually I really hardcore love the idea of being a philosophy major but I am way dumb for that. WAY DUMB. What the holy hell am I going to do after I graduate? Assuming I graduate. OH GOD. I could teach in Korea for a year. THEN WHAT?? I am never going to get into law school, that's for sure. I have no extracurriculars or laurels or whatnot to my good name. Oh my god I'm so fucked, just so fucked. :((

Ahahh I like the way today's LJ Writer's Block question was written:


I'm watching the Saturday Night Live special thing? I'm not sure what it is, it just came on after the office and hay whatever. So far it's not that bad! Either SNL is improving suddenly or I'm getting used to it. The Weekend Update is pretty fun. They're all stumbling over words and whatever, you can tell that they're feeling punchy. (Oh my god I just looked "punchy" up and it totally doesn't mean what I thought it meant!! D:) Republicans are always easy targets but even still I like how balls out SNL is for Obama. Am I reading the situation right when I say it feels like there is a palpable white-knuckled desperation emerging now? I kinda felt that way walking around campus with all the signs and tables and things. I saw a girl holding a huge picket sign from far away and I was all ugh it's going to be one of those 'REPENT! THE END IS NIGH' people and it turned out it was telling all the losers who weren't registered to git registered. (How do I know if I'm registered guise?? ;__; I think I fucked up my form. *so incompetent, should not be allowed outside*) What to do if McCain wins omg. There's only 19 days left!

It turns out, the more one realizes that one has really no idea how to make food for oneself, the more primal one becomes while watching the Food Network. I'm watching Ace of Cakes and I'm SO HUNGRY. I want to attack everyone and suck out their brains or whatever part of them is made of knowledge of deliciosity and live there and bake myself into a cake and eat my way out and do that every day of my natural life. Okay I don't really want to attack anyone since I sincerely love everyone, so so hard. That is seriously the best job in the world, along with working at Pixar and probably something else. Maybe. But everything else is true. OMG Ace of Cakes DVD. OMG they're looking at real estate in Los Angeles. OMGGGGG. But I don't get it? Are they thinking about moving? I thought they lurved Baltimore? Why are they thinking about uprooting everything to come live in fucking Los Angeles?? Don't do it Duff, it's not good times.

I just want to tell you that a couple of days ago I went to sleep at about 11 (because I had to get up way early the next morning), empty room, and at about 12:30 I was woken up by... what? What do you think it was? It was roomie, frying up a shitstorm. Who the fuck fries 50 lbs of firecrackers or whatever she was frying at 12:30 at night?? It was so loud. She's dumb as hell, that roomie. Also keeps turning on lights near my head. Ugh.

This Resolve commercial is so blatantly skeevy. Hella breeding discontentment.



I'm still so tired but I'm not sleeping! Mostly because I'm obsessed with organizing my music. I know how to prioritize.

I just made myself LOL imagining the disco covering Friday Bridge's Love and Nostalgia (read: imagining bden singing anything Ms. Friday Bridge has sung). Then I made myself sick with hunger imagining B&S covering it. That is not saying so very much; I want B&S to cover every song in the world because I think EVERYTHING is more interesting when Stuart's singing it. Stuuuuuuuuarrrrrt. *___*