do harp on
May. 21st, 2013 02:55 pmThe house was in tumult the past week. Tons of dust has been unearthed and everything is in new places. I switched to the bigger bedroom. I was a little... not worried or afraid, but just aware that Chorong might stay in his spot on the windowsill in the small bedroom. Like, he liked the spot because of the spot itself, not because it was near me. But he moved with me to the big bedroom and he hangs out there, and now that I have a bigger bed, he sleeps with me on it too. :'3 It makes me really happy.
I think people are afraid that I'm going to get stuck in this town. I don't have a real sense of that - like, I don't really know what that would look like, and I don't personally feel that stultified now - so I'm not too worried. I don't have anything that sets my blood on fire or whatever. Maybe I'm snuffing out my own light by staying so still but for now, it's all I can deal with. I do feel panicked when I think about how I have no image for my future at all. I don't know what I want, at all; I have no plan. My strategy is to hesitate so long that things become irrelevant lol. Social work, whaaa? Teach in Korea, whaaaaa? Look for a job, whaaaaaaaaaa? idk. It sounds shitty and it's definitely unambitious/devoid of any forward motion, but it's manageable and I can live with it. Which is important to me. T___T Like, there's a comic on tumblr re: "getting out of your comfort zone!!" and they were like, "But I'm literally always uncomfortable." EVERYTHING is out of my comfort zone, except for sitting alone in a room with reasonable assurance that no one will intrude.
I think that's part of the reason why I felt so damn crazy last week. There were so many people at the house and they needed to keep moving to different parts of the house. There was no place for me to go or stay or anything.
Hm, returning to the possibility of me being stuck in this town: I hear it mostly from people who have lived in the area their whole lives, and they feel so suffocated by it and want to leave, to ~spread their wings and see what there is to see, etc. But I kinda feel like I left, and I failed to realize the possibilities, so I'm okay with retuning and staying. Hahaha.
My dad once told me that he just didn't want to see me get shrunken in. That I don't go out, I don't know many people, I don't do much, and my world just becomes very small. Well. But what if that's the only way I can deal with it? Because right now, the alternative seems like just a big wide world of noise and anxiety and no place to settle or feel safe.
I think writing long form entries encourage self-reflection, which is synonymous with self-hatred to me. Because now I feel like shit lol. twitter makes me feel like shit too though, for a different reason.
As always, sorry about my boring life!!
I think people are afraid that I'm going to get stuck in this town. I don't have a real sense of that - like, I don't really know what that would look like, and I don't personally feel that stultified now - so I'm not too worried. I don't have anything that sets my blood on fire or whatever. Maybe I'm snuffing out my own light by staying so still but for now, it's all I can deal with. I do feel panicked when I think about how I have no image for my future at all. I don't know what I want, at all; I have no plan. My strategy is to hesitate so long that things become irrelevant lol. Social work, whaaa? Teach in Korea, whaaaaa? Look for a job, whaaaaaaaaaa? idk. It sounds shitty and it's definitely unambitious/devoid of any forward motion, but it's manageable and I can live with it. Which is important to me. T___T Like, there's a comic on tumblr re: "getting out of your comfort zone!!" and they were like, "But I'm literally always uncomfortable." EVERYTHING is out of my comfort zone, except for sitting alone in a room with reasonable assurance that no one will intrude.
I think that's part of the reason why I felt so damn crazy last week. There were so many people at the house and they needed to keep moving to different parts of the house. There was no place for me to go or stay or anything.
Hm, returning to the possibility of me being stuck in this town: I hear it mostly from people who have lived in the area their whole lives, and they feel so suffocated by it and want to leave, to ~spread their wings and see what there is to see, etc. But I kinda feel like I left, and I failed to realize the possibilities, so I'm okay with retuning and staying. Hahaha.
My dad once told me that he just didn't want to see me get shrunken in. That I don't go out, I don't know many people, I don't do much, and my world just becomes very small. Well. But what if that's the only way I can deal with it? Because right now, the alternative seems like just a big wide world of noise and anxiety and no place to settle or feel safe.
I think writing long form entries encourage self-reflection, which is synonymous with self-hatred to me. Because now I feel like shit lol. twitter makes me feel like shit too though, for a different reason.
As always, sorry about my boring life!!
