hither and yon

To be honest I like feeling a bit sad and melancholy which I suppose is why I indulge myself in nostalgia so often. Re-reading things is fun, but always a little sad. I remember what it felt like to read it for the first time and it's like I can't ever quite feel that way again.

I'm thinking about a year ago, last summer. I don't remember a lot of last year, especially spring quarter and my time at Berkeley. Well, I don't want to remember. Last year's April through August was really bad. I cried a lot, like so much it scared me, though me being me I was also impressed by it and wanted to record it for posterity. (here it is!) Being alone, feeling alone, loneliness, a huge wound of loneliness really, all of that. Actually I don't even know if it was really all that bad, because I got some good things out of it, but whenever I think about it my mind instinctively tries NOT to think about it and my general impression of the time period is bad, so I figure, it wasn't great. It was a gamechanger though. It bent my life in a different direction. I don't know if it's good or bad. Maybe just necessary.

I really think that I need a friend, not a boyfriend, but I am obsessed with my physical appearance lately and I want an ego handjob in that department. Maybe I don't even want a boyfriend because that seems kind of irritating and too touchy and a lot of work. I just want someone to be like, I think you're pretty, I like your body, I like the way you look, I like you, you're fine, always and forever, you're fine. The problem is that I feel too much responsibility in any kind of social interaction, with absolutely no capacity to live up to that responsibility. I never feel good enough, not for myself, not for anyone or anything. And I KNOW that that's bullshit, it doesn't work like that. I know a lot of things. But there's something that can't be dislodged inside. It blocks the knowing from making a difference. Is it fear? The other day I was driving and I suddenly thought: If I could get over myself, I could be amazing. It makes me feel strange and excited just to think it. I could be amazing. Somewhere I know that.

In the meanwhile I'm still don't want to go back to school in the fall and I'm still not even ALLOWED to do so. Two different academic holds and one financial hold, haaay~

Anyway, what I'm REALLY trying to say is that I'm re-reading a lot of bandom fics and it's making me so nostalgic I could die.

Some bitch this morning left the water on while she carefully massaged every particle of her stupid soap into every pore of her stupid face. RARRRGGHHHH.

Fact: the sinks on my floor are arranged onto counters; they aren't free-standing basins.
Problem: PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING. How are the counters wet ALL THE TIME? WHAT DO PEOPLE DO TO IT? What are people putting on it to make it so wet? Disgusting: hair in the sink. Most disgusting: hair floating in puddles on the wet ALL THE TIME counters.

Fact: you should not be allowed to shower if you cannot TURN OFF THE WATER. SO MUCH DRIPPING, ALL THE TIME. EVERYTHING DISGUSTING ALL THE TIME.

I have to get back into my note-taking groove. Things were moving fast this morning in lecture! I feel a bit of a fool now because during Thursday's lecture, the prof was like "Logic is one of those subjects where a lot of people will find easy as pie and a lot of people will struggle enormously wif" and I was like PAH! I am in the first category of people, as I like pie and can do those logic puzzles within like... three days. That's ~talent~. But as it turns out I think I might be in the second category! I was just realizing I should be going "wait... what?" as everyone else was nodding like bobbleheads. Genius bobbleheads. Suzie is taller than Jane but shorter than the child wearing the brown shirt. The boy living in the red house is neither the oldest nor the youngest!!!!

I was at one of the main student hubs, waiting for the person selling the Women's Studies textbook, and thus got the joy of hearing a local/student band (?) play. They were REALLY loud and might as well been Taking Back Sunday, they sounded exaaaactly like them, except with a less nasal singer. They were pretty amusing though. (I couldn't tell who was talking when, they all sounded the same pretty much. Whatevs.)

Scene: A little over an hour ago, waiting 4000000 hours for my sammich to be made at Bruin Cafe.
Me: *sucking vacantly at my drink, delirious from hunger and fatigue* OH GINGER ALE!!! You make me feel ALIVE. I love you soooooo much ginger ale, you are always sooooo gooooooood.
Seriously, I thought about how good ginger ale was for a solid minute. I was spacing out so hard. In fact I was l     i     k      e                      t                           h                         i                              s                            ~