hither and yon

On the drive to work I thought about visiting my bost frond in Oakland after work; just taking off like a shot without going home or anything. So I indulged in that plan/fantasy for a few minutes before I remembered that my brother's field trip is not, actually, an overnight trip and he will still need to be picked up in the evening. Plus who would feed my cat? Who will sa~ave your soul?

I feel stressed out because I've been hemorrhaging money for a while now. I still have about $75 of debts to pay and things that need to be bought. T__T Of course even with that in mind, I went to Sephora yesterday and bought lipstick. Hahaha. Ugh.

from old entries never posted:

"i am really sorry i know i am not a good writer..this chapter seems boring..hihi anyway hpoe you guys enjoy.." omg I am crazy emotional/mood swingy today. I read this and I was all ;~; DON'T WORRY YOU ARE DOING FINE!!! (110920)

I hate faux affected sincerity so fucking much. (110726)

 i'm at an optional ~statistix mini-course~ in stats computer lab. was bad idea, is advanced beyond my class and i already did not wtf is going on w/ regression

there's a guy from my class here too. i wonder if he is also thinking this was a bad idea. wtf why did prof recommend this ~mini-course~ it is not a good review for the class at all, it is for like stats majors or people doing research

girl kitty-corner from me is looking up the beatles on itunes

i am enjoying looking at/listening to lecturer. he is ph.d stats student. tall slim sarcastique japanese guy. his face makes you want to keep looking at it. he's kind of beautiful. his outfit ever-so-slightly does not match. he's wearing like these brown leather loafer slippers with a buckle. omg i love buckles. his voice is very dry and he has a very slight accent. mostly in the way he drops the articles or plurals/verb tense endings in his sentences.

i am pretending that i'm typing notes by looking up every so often and staring intently at the power point. 

bad thing about being into kpop is that there is no way to look up anything in front of other people. so embarrassing. just want to stare at jonghyun's face in another batch of five hundred pics/gifs/vids

if kpop had anywhere near the ~quality of fic that bandom or popslash got i would die a million happy deaths. i guess this is the trade-off for the number of girls and attractive people. i still don't get how popslash ever got a following, basic white boys everywhere. it is worse x1000 for the jonas brothers. 

bifor i got into kpop i thought the fandom was huge. it is but it's obvs internatl and the kfans keep their shit locked down and there are things in diff languages etc. even in the english-speaking fandom there's not a lot of fandom content. besides wank. the avg age strikes me as verrrrry young. like there are a lot of tumblrs.  the fic reflects this

on the other hand, the media content is gorgeous. shinee fans are especially amazing. the fan photos are seriously professional quality. the cameras are good but the fans are really skilled/talented. there are like multiangled fan cams, it's like a dvd for real. onnn the other other hand, ugh it's hard to find well-subbed videos plus the korean broadcasting companies are stingy cockblocks and keepp removing shit from youtube. this REALLY makes no sense, the subs are literally free promotion. if you're watching subs on youtube you obvs are not and cannot be pt of the normal consuming audience. the youtube clips can only get them more money.   

my bod is so misshapen and embarrassing. and i need new shoes.

stats people are so inherently nerdy. they just like data. i am jealous, i wish i just liked information for its own sake. i srsly do not enjoy learning. am lazy as fuck

the borders on route to school is closing down and they're having a close-out sale. gotta get on that

soc 1 class continues to be excruciating. the prof is a pathetic drama queen. lol i really hate him! nothing he says has a point. i'm worried about the final b/c i do not understand what the fuck we are supposed to be doing. i don't feel like i've learned anything and i don't even feel like it's my fault! 

i legit have a crush on jonghyun. i swear i have NEVER had such a physical reaction to my other media obsessions. that peace sign in hello!!!!! i srsly start giggling unctrllably. my sister thinks i'm crazy. i think he is the first asian guy (lol or non-white in general) that i've reaaaally loved. i'm rly starting to see the similarities in the people i'm ~drawn to: big eyes, nice cheekbones/jawline, embarrassing and/or dorky in some way, good voice. and once i'm drawn, it's fucking game over, i'm in for life. JONGHYUN

oh the lecture is wrapping up

bye lecturer, i like your face + shirt. srry i don't understand anything you're talking about D:

Normally I wouldn't capitalize all the words because you aren't supposed to do that in Fronch but the band is not really French, so ~I just capitalize the way I feel~

I've been sick for a couple of days now even though I was asleep more than I was awake for the same couple of days. The cumulative effect is that I feel like I've been asleep longer than I've been alive. I'm just so tired. I haven't eaten anything all day and yesterday I basically had a waffle and a few strawberries, ende.

I think my flash drive is broken. I am so dead inside right now. I had ALL my pictures on there. ALL OF THEM. You guys don't understand, I save EVERYTHING. There was a fucking CATACOMB of folders in that drive. I'M SO DEAD INSIDE. I have most everything backed up from April 2009, but that's almost a year ago. I KNEW I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE PARANOID

MELANCHOLY

I'm lonely from all the things I don't understand, experience, appreciate, etc. From the time I was in the throes of pre-adolescent fuckery, I wanted to be a thousand different things at once so I ended up being nothing. Depression = paralyzed with hope (tm Maria Bamford).

Plus, I'm super crazy. I've been going to my mom's office to "help" with work (actually I'm useless) and my mom told me the other day that her boss said I was pretty (not in a creepy way). I was flattered for a second before I thought MAYBE SHE MADE THAT UP TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT BEING UGLY. These days I even know I'm not ugly most of the time, so where did that thought come from? Unending paranoia I suppose.

om nom nom new fandom om nom nom Sherlock Holmes om nom nom Jude Law

Half the time he looks like a fucking serial killer and the other half he just looks like an asshole. Nevertheless he is honestly very good at being very beautiful. *____*

Let's get this out of the way: this fucker is AMAZING in the face. 

( DAMN STRAIGHT IT'S A PICSPAM )

In closing,GODDAMN

This entry was started on Saturday when I was sadcat and finished today, when I am not so sadcat. Mm.

I was flipping through my bookmarks and came across something I had uh obviously forgotten about. As an addendum to my "rrgh twitter suxx" post: Color War 2008 which, instead of bitching about twitter, finds a way to make it an actual fun social space. Much more constructive. PS, Ze Frank is one of my most favorite People I Don't Actually Know in the world.

Anyway now I will continue bitching about everything. I have a very strange outlook on the world at this stage of my life. It's like pessimistic nihilism with a hair-trigger hard-on for the ~goodness of man and ~worth of life. Also I fetishize hope pretty hard. I am both desperate to and scared of Believing in people, myself, god, anything. It's a sum total of being a fuck-up and not knowing how to recover from things. Instead I'm just devastated all the time. ~Everyday is a risk I can't take because I don't know how to come back from it. It's self-perpetuating fear, yeah, but it's not unfounded. Like, I know my life is worse off for being scurred all the time but what's the alternative? Shit if there's one thing the past four years have taught me, it's that things can always ALWAYS get worse. 

The Lexabro's not working. Or worse, it IS working, but I'm so fucked-up and shitty that even with the help I'm still a mess. I'm a really sad person.

I guess I have opinions on X-Men! X2 is easily the best movie in the franchise. The new Wolverine movie looks kinda dumb. By kinda I mean shyeah. By shyeah I mean I wish I hadn't eaten the last cookie yesterday. Emma Frost does not look nearly as fabulous enough as she deserves. That was Twilight-level dazzle in the commercials. I will never ever ever understand the appeal of Taylor Kitsch. He is SUCH A BAD ACTOR. WHY DOES NO ONE MENTION THIS???? HE IS TERRIBLE. Also he is fug as hell. I don't understand anyone. Finally, if there is Cyclops in the movie, wherefore no James Marsden? I don't care if he is supposed to be teenager!Cyclops. James Mraaarrrrrrrrrrrsdennnnnn. *__* Man I wish I was more into comic books. 

I went to Fridge's cousin's birthday party on Saturday and got a bit drunk. I don't think I did anything embarrassing but I feel embarrassed anyway. I feel like I am overflowing with want and that everyone can see it. I am neeeeeeeeeeedy. But also, I hate people. It's a tricky situation. For example, I hella wanted (male) attention even though the party was filled with condescending bastards. Tip, you cannot tell jokes to condescending bastards because they will take you seriously and be all "LOL did you JUST say that? THIS GIRL IS SOOO DRUNK." Fuck you, douchebag, I was using my sarcastic voice.

So afterward I missed the last step whilst walking back to the apt and rolled my ankle. Trying to take care of it was a bitch and a half; it took all day today since the medical center isn't open on the weekends. Very convenient, that. It turns out that I fractured the tip of my left fibula. The brace/cast felt like sex when they put it on, omg, soooo comforting. Crutches are hard fucking work. It took me 45 minutes to walk back to the apt when it usually takes 15 minutes and by the end of it I was so tired I could've cried. It was really humiliating and pathetic before I got the crutches though, because I couldn't put any weight on my foot so I seriously had to hop around from like bench to lamp post to side of a building etc. The worst part is that I'm not going to able to work with Library Guy anymore since I can't uh work in stacks. <-- creeper

Midterm was not good. Still don't have a research paper topic. I don't fucking care, I just want to get the fuck out. Even more so with this fracture nonsense.