counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2011-10-06 09:16 am
kerpingtack) wrote2011-10-06 09:16 am
folder with your name
This took fucking forever. Life has been draining me of life!! I'm so tired all the time, idk. It's hard to get the momentum going for these nothing posts when I could just as well spam twitter but~ I really want to get back into the groove of things.
I don't even remember how to do this! I open this page and I just talk?? What about? What did I do before? I have no memory of anything. wtf did I even have thoughts in the past? Was I even alive??
Okay I'll just free-associate or something. LOL because otherwise I'm so orderly~
I'm learning that I really really value my alone time. I'm so contrary, I want to be more social but I hate people and I hate being outside and my favorite part of the day is the 1-2 hours after I drop my brother off at school when I'm the only one in the house except Chorong and I can wander around half dressed and roll around on the ground in the sun. I feel panicky for the rest of the day because there are just people everywhere and things to do.
Oh okay, I remember why lj-ing seemed exhausting! It's because all I do is complain about my life, and it starts a super-complaint spiral about how I sound really childish and whiny (bawwwwww I don't have enough time to waste!!) and how I know it can't be excused and how I have nothing to talk about except myself. Um there is no upside to this.
Last Wednesday was a really long day. I had meant to write about it but I was wiped the fuck outtttt. So here it is now!
My mind wanders all the time, but especially when I'm driving (I know, it's so safe), when I'm washing the dishes, and when I'm in the shower.
while emptying out the Roomba:
Maybe I should just get knocked up and become a housewife. Ugh, no, that won't work because then I'll probably just get post-partum depression and end up almost killing my baby. lol even my ridic loveless marriage fantasies are ruined!!11
I hate the way I talk about things and I hate the patterns of my thoughts. No one ever listen to me okay!
Lately I have had no interest in food, which is really odd for me. Like this is the least amount of joy food has ever brought me in my life. Yesterday I thought "I'm hungry but I don't want to eat." !!!!!! That never happens!!! I feel like this is a bad sign.
My mood swings are really crazy. I don't know. I feel like I'm never rested, I'm SO tired so often.
On Sunday I played with some of the little kids at church. That was fun, and legit good for my soul I think. I'm surprised at how unawkward I can be with little kids. I used to be really tragic and scared of them, lol. Tangentially related: two Sundays ago one of the high schoolers in youth group told me that I should live my life. lol ty high schooler. ;;
Yesterday I finally made the link between how shitty I feel about myself and how much fandom bothers me. I guess this was obvious but idk, I just never thought about the two together. I think it's because my life is often sad and shut-in, I really want (NEED o_o) fandom to be an ocean of sweet emotion!! And when I start thinking about all the things I done wrong, I start holding fandom up to unrealistic standards because I'm just so desperate for a buoy that can jetpack me out of despair. (Mixed metaphors yayayay~) But of course then all I see are people being hateful and/or thoughtless and/or wrong wrong wrong about everything I hold dear. Oh jesus, do I purposefully burrow myself in hate because it'll make me feel like "well, at least I'm not the only shit thing in this world"? Maybe that is secretly what is happening. Whatever. I fully admit that I am delusional in my stanning and that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about 75% of the time. Aside from my bullshit meta thoughts though, I legit love SHINee, especially Jonghyun, a lot. So if nothing else, I'm glad if that gets across. LOL what am I talking about right now.
I'm so insecure it's legit pathetic. Just live your fucking life, self, what the fuck is wrong with you. You're the only one who cares about this stuff. Let it go! Phrase to remember: "Don't try to see yourself, the way that others do; it's no use." ;; ty Ben Folds Five. Dane, be Dane etc.
I'm going to visit my bff this weekend and we are going to eat all her boyfriend's food and watch Mad Men and complain about how it's boring (lol) and drink like fishes. I haven't drunk any alcohol in a fucking year, idk. The last time was during my birthday when we ended up using every cup in the apartment (the dishwasher looked ridic in the morning lol) and I threw up and it was not the best of times.
Somewhat relatedly, in the bath I suddenly remembered a stoned conversation between my cousin and me about who in our family could be gay. We both said our moms lol and then we both said actually they could legit be asexual. And then we talked about how much we wanted to straight-up murder our neighbors.
I've been listening to all these old mix CDs I made in high school. I have so much appreciation for Plastic Operator's Folder now, which is kinda weird because I hadn't even liked it that much before and usually I'm a little predisposed to something when I ~rediscover it. It's a cute song but it's not cloying, and something about it seems so nicely sincere to me even though it's kind of just silly indie-twee for the 21st century. "It'd be more than I can take, if I just to~ld you, to~ld you what I feel; that's why I copy and paste..."
An exchange between two of my brother's friends I heard when I was waiting to pick him up from school:
Boy 1: I forgot my magic bananas!
Boy 2: What?!
Boy 1: (matter-of-factly) I forgot my magic bananas.
Boy 2: Augh there's dust in my eye!!
(both run back inside the classroom)
btw my brother came out of the room late because he had been trying to tie his jacket around his head like a kerchief to no avail.
My mom borrowed this DVD of the Beatles' 1964 Washington D.C. concert from the library ~for me~. I have no thoughts, lol. I really loved how they all came together for Ringo for "I Wanna Be Your Man" (he sings in that one). And ugh I love Paul, he introduced it in his weird telegram -- stop -- pause -- concert patter and was all like "you're going to hear from someone who doesn't sing very often so pls pay attention!" and carefully put the mic stand in front of Ringo. I really love people who easily facilitate interaction and appreciation like that. And omg Paul really loved the group and he tried so fucking hard to keep it together. Pawwwwwl!
I laugh every time someone capslocks "OMO" in fic.
Oh I bought some make-up the day before yesterday while waiting for my brother to finish his Taekwondo class. I should have done some more research, I had no idea what the hell to get. I didn't get any skin... things because I wanted something rewarding, as in something that would make a noticeable difference. Immediate gratification or bust!! Plus I can't tell if people are Doing It Right wrt foundation and concealer and shit so I don't think I would be able to tell if I were Doing It Right. I bought a lip stick and a lip gloss and both are the wrong colors for me, lol. Also the eyeliner I bought is like super thin? I need someone to tell me these things!! I'm going to watch a bunch of youtube make-up vids (read: stare mindlessly at pretty girls' faces) and actually try to retain information.
already bought:
Masterpiece DVD = $65
Something Special photobook & calendar = $;____; ($72 FUCK YOU EMS)
endless regret for not buying: OIAM photobook = $?
potential buys:
Soul & Sense photobook = $55
OIAM calendar/diary = $? (I'm not looking it up because I'm not going to buy it!!!! ;__;)
j-Lucifer = $my monies ;;
Maybe I should save my money for their first album. Or, maybe I should just buy everything in the world! HM. I found OIAM's first photobook, Masterpiece's first DVD, and thebling's photobook on ebay. They're all crazy expensive and that does not deter me from wanting to throw money at the internet. Ugh my god. I usually don't buy that much stuff but ever since this summer I've just been hemorrhaging money. The logic is, I'm done with school and I have like $900 in my bank account! I should SPEND IT ALL!! DDDD:
Cat lady go go go! Chorong is our most beautiful taxidermied raccoon.
Mom: "What are you doing, are you doing yoga? Show-off. 'Look at my body~ I'm so flexible~'"
okay that's it!
I don't even remember how to do this! I open this page and I just talk?? What about? What did I do before? I have no memory of anything. wtf did I even have thoughts in the past? Was I even alive??
Okay I'll just free-associate or something. LOL because otherwise I'm so orderly~
I'm learning that I really really value my alone time. I'm so contrary, I want to be more social but I hate people and I hate being outside and my favorite part of the day is the 1-2 hours after I drop my brother off at school when I'm the only one in the house except Chorong and I can wander around half dressed and roll around on the ground in the sun. I feel panicky for the rest of the day because there are just people everywhere and things to do.
Oh okay, I remember why lj-ing seemed exhausting! It's because all I do is complain about my life, and it starts a super-complaint spiral about how I sound really childish and whiny (bawwwwww I don't have enough time to waste!!) and how I know it can't be excused and how I have nothing to talk about except myself. Um there is no upside to this.
Last Wednesday was a really long day. I had meant to write about it but I was wiped the fuck outtttt. So here it is now!
An account of a really long day
- woke up, dropped JJB off at school, went to the office late
- "worked" for a few hours
- en route to Subway my mom and I suddenly decided to take an impromptu two hour lunch break and get haircuts lol
- while we were driving my mom gave me a pep talk: "You've got to kick those bad thoughts away! Pow pow! Do you want me to buy you big shoes so you can do that?"
- we ate first at a ~charming brunch place. we sat outside and gossipped about my sister's boyfriend while we waited for our food heheh ("he's a little narcissistic, like 'aren't I so cute?'")
- we have been going to the same hair salon of the same chain for years now and I have never gotten any less awkward. also I have no idea what would look good or not, I want the ~experts to TELL ME. anyway while the hairdresser was trimming my hair I thought I NEED A CHANGE IN MY LIFE and so I asked for some straight-across bangs. I know, I live on the edge. (Here is what I look like now. (This picture is more accurate of what I look like most of the time though.) Or you can just imagine any average fourteen-year-old Asian girl with bangs. Seriously, just make a generic template of one in your head. That is what I look like.
- went to the mall. my mom did her complicated coupon/return thing and bought like seven suits (they were on sale) while I wandered around trying on hats and coats and staring at my bangs in all reflective surfaces.
- then I had to drive like twenty minutes out into the city to tutor this kid from church. it went fine, I am incompetent but the kid is chill and the math was easy so I was able to help him.
- THEN I had to find and drive to this other place to serve some divorce papers. (I think it's okay for me to talk about this because there's no confidentiality clause for the person serving mail. also, lawyers are really gossipy.) the address turned out to be a retirement community bc the person lived with their elderly father. the guest parking was kind of far from where the house was so I clomped around in the weird kitten-heeled wedges I was wearing. the day was drowsy and warm, no one else was outside, the roads were names after Greek gods, I passed a cat lounging on the steps. all the houses resembled large trailers, with aluminium siding that looked like weathered tin and big generators outside and the like, but some of them were painted pretty colors and had nice yards. I wondered if I was meant to find the place depressing, but it didn't seem bad. the father answered the door and called the person I was serving over by saying "there's a lady here asking for you." I was a lady lol. she was younger than I thought and she asked "what is this?" in this really wtf tone of voice. I knew what it was but my mom told me to say that I didn't know, I'm only there to deliver the papers. anyway I wouldn't want to say that it's the petition for your divorce. the whole thing kind of made me feel like a terrible person and I was inexplicably glad that I looked so young and non-threatening. I was also glad I didn't drive right up to the house bc I really hated the thought of them seeing me pull out of their yard and drive away, idk. I ran a little to escape my ungrounded guilt. I felt accomplished though and on the walk back to my car I saw the cat again in the same position.
- OKAY and then I went back to the office, stayed for an hour doing random filing shit, then drove back down to run an errand.
- I bought a Sprite at a vending machine and then wandered around forever in Kohl's. it took me way too long to find everything. called my bost frond for emotional support in choosing what color towels to get. the line was long but the cashier was this handsome young man who was really friendly and charming. it really brightened up the line (which was full of middle-aged women and me lol).
- AND THEN I went to pick my brother up from his church thing, except those fuckers always keep the kids like 15-20 minutes late so I was sitting all collapsed in the hallway amidst all the moms waiting and waiting.
- AND THEN I WENT HOME.
My mind wanders all the time, but especially when I'm driving (I know, it's so safe), when I'm washing the dishes, and when I'm in the shower.
while emptying out the Roomba:
Maybe I should just get knocked up and become a housewife. Ugh, no, that won't work because then I'll probably just get post-partum depression and end up almost killing my baby. lol even my ridic loveless marriage fantasies are ruined!!11
I hate the way I talk about things and I hate the patterns of my thoughts. No one ever listen to me okay!
Lately I have had no interest in food, which is really odd for me. Like this is the least amount of joy food has ever brought me in my life. Yesterday I thought "I'm hungry but I don't want to eat." !!!!!! That never happens!!! I feel like this is a bad sign.
My mood swings are really crazy. I don't know. I feel like I'm never rested, I'm SO tired so often.
On Sunday I played with some of the little kids at church. That was fun, and legit good for my soul I think. I'm surprised at how unawkward I can be with little kids. I used to be really tragic and scared of them, lol. Tangentially related: two Sundays ago one of the high schoolers in youth group told me that I should live my life. lol ty high schooler. ;;
Yesterday I finally made the link between how shitty I feel about myself and how much fandom bothers me. I guess this was obvious but idk, I just never thought about the two together. I think it's because my life is often sad and shut-in, I really want (NEED o_o) fandom to be an ocean of sweet emotion!! And when I start thinking about all the things I done wrong, I start holding fandom up to unrealistic standards because I'm just so desperate for a buoy that can jetpack me out of despair. (Mixed metaphors yayayay~) But of course then all I see are people being hateful and/or thoughtless and/or wrong wrong wrong about everything I hold dear. Oh jesus, do I purposefully burrow myself in hate because it'll make me feel like "well, at least I'm not the only shit thing in this world"? Maybe that is secretly what is happening. Whatever. I fully admit that I am delusional in my stanning and that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about 75% of the time. Aside from my bullshit meta thoughts though, I legit love SHINee, especially Jonghyun, a lot. So if nothing else, I'm glad if that gets across. LOL what am I talking about right now.
I'm so insecure it's legit pathetic. Just live your fucking life, self, what the fuck is wrong with you. You're the only one who cares about this stuff. Let it go! Phrase to remember: "Don't try to see yourself, the way that others do; it's no use." ;; ty Ben Folds Five. Dane, be Dane etc.
I'm going to visit my bff this weekend and we are going to eat all her boyfriend's food and watch Mad Men and complain about how it's boring (lol) and drink like fishes. I haven't drunk any alcohol in a fucking year, idk. The last time was during my birthday when we ended up using every cup in the apartment (the dishwasher looked ridic in the morning lol) and I threw up and it was not the best of times.
Somewhat relatedly, in the bath I suddenly remembered a stoned conversation between my cousin and me about who in our family could be gay. We both said our moms lol and then we both said actually they could legit be asexual. And then we talked about how much we wanted to straight-up murder our neighbors.
I've been listening to all these old mix CDs I made in high school. I have so much appreciation for Plastic Operator's Folder now, which is kinda weird because I hadn't even liked it that much before and usually I'm a little predisposed to something when I ~rediscover it. It's a cute song but it's not cloying, and something about it seems so nicely sincere to me even though it's kind of just silly indie-twee for the 21st century. "It'd be more than I can take, if I just to~ld you, to~ld you what I feel; that's why I copy and paste..."
An exchange between two of my brother's friends I heard when I was waiting to pick him up from school:
Boy 1: I forgot my magic bananas!
Boy 2: What?!
Boy 1: (matter-of-factly) I forgot my magic bananas.
Boy 2: Augh there's dust in my eye!!
(both run back inside the classroom)
btw my brother came out of the room late because he had been trying to tie his jacket around his head like a kerchief to no avail.
My mom borrowed this DVD of the Beatles' 1964 Washington D.C. concert from the library ~for me~. I have no thoughts, lol. I really loved how they all came together for Ringo for "I Wanna Be Your Man" (he sings in that one). And ugh I love Paul, he introduced it in his weird telegram -- stop -- pause -- concert patter and was all like "you're going to hear from someone who doesn't sing very often so pls pay attention!" and carefully put the mic stand in front of Ringo. I really love people who easily facilitate interaction and appreciation like that. And omg Paul really loved the group and he tried so fucking hard to keep it together. Pawwwwwl!
I laugh every time someone capslocks "OMO" in fic.
Oh I bought some make-up the day before yesterday while waiting for my brother to finish his Taekwondo class. I should have done some more research, I had no idea what the hell to get. I didn't get any skin... things because I wanted something rewarding, as in something that would make a noticeable difference. Immediate gratification or bust!! Plus I can't tell if people are Doing It Right wrt foundation and concealer and shit so I don't think I would be able to tell if I were Doing It Right. I bought a lip stick and a lip gloss and both are the wrong colors for me, lol. Also the eyeliner I bought is like super thin? I need someone to tell me these things!! I'm going to watch a bunch of youtube make-up vids (read: stare mindlessly at pretty girls' faces) and actually try to retain information.
already bought:
Masterpiece DVD = $65
Something Special photobook & calendar = $;____; ($72 FUCK YOU EMS)
endless regret for not buying: OIAM photobook = $?
potential buys:
Soul & Sense photobook = $55
OIAM calendar/diary = $? (I'm not looking it up because I'm not going to buy it!!!! ;__;)
j-Lucifer = $my monies ;;
Maybe I should save my money for their first album. Or, maybe I should just buy everything in the world! HM. I found OIAM's first photobook, Masterpiece's first DVD, and thebling's photobook on ebay. They're all crazy expensive and that does not deter me from wanting to throw money at the internet. Ugh my god. I usually don't buy that much stuff but ever since this summer I've just been hemorrhaging money. The logic is, I'm done with school and I have like $900 in my bank account! I should SPEND IT ALL!! DDDD:
Cat lady go go go! Chorong is our most beautiful taxidermied raccoon.
Mom: "What are you doing, are you doing yoga? Show-off. 'Look at my body~ I'm so flexible~'"
okay that's it!
no subject
also have you seen this? you probably have but it warms my heart so much that I have to just put it out there, I love him so much, help me ;w;
no subject
Jonghyun is beyond words, I really don't even know what I can say anymore. Like I know when I watch that video my heart melts into my bones and my bloodstream and all the minutae of my being so that, like, my entire body is beating with love. But how do I explain why?? I'm like, squiggling around going "it's because he's so THERE and he's still so HIM and OF COURSE HE IS and he's who he is and look at him just STANDING THERE being SO how he is and I LOOOOOOVE HIMMMMMMM" ;~;
no subject
lmao you are the cutest :( I know, I'm just like, look at how beautiful he is, my heart, his heart, it's so simple, I mean, look at him just there, he would, only him, I just, I love him so muchhhhh comma comma total incoherency ;w;
"COMMA COMMA TOTAL INCOHERENCY" YES ;~;
I'm just like, look at how beautiful he is, my heart, his heart, it's so simple, I mean, look at him just there, he would, only him, I just, I love him so muchhhhh comma comma total incoherency ;w;
ohhh my god this is EXACTLY how I feel, lol. ;~; There's something just so clean and true about him to me. It IS so simple. He is who he is, singular, of course, him RIGHT THERE. Just standing there watching because he heard music and he wanted to stop to listen, standing right there, his attention focused forward, of course, it's all just of course, why wouldn't he? A boy standing on the street listening to a song, it's simple but wondrous somehow, like an ordinary moment just exploded into something really perfect, really beautiful. oh my god I really don't even know anymore. jjong you have my heart until the end of infinity okay ;;
(btw it's good to hear from you! how's the quarter going?)
no subject
There's just something so unpretentious about it, how he's captivated by music. ;w; sobs yes, MY HEART IS A MÖBIUS STRIP, CARRY ON sdkfjgyu makes no sense babbles jonghyun
(I was at work for so long yesterday that I forgot I had class and just collapsed at home, oh god, I'm just like who are you and what have you done with me, how did I forget I had class. I always feel like I'm handling things okay up until I have some attack of the neuroses or completely idiotic moment. I'm sick and I'm still on the waitlist for my crim law class, WHY kjdsyu um basically I'm stressed...)
no subject
yes, it's so... like yeah, it's his image, but it's his image for a good reason. it's really not just for show.
(D: omg you must be so tired. it sounds like you have so much stuff going on! omg the wait-list thing is the worst, when will you know if you'll be able to get into the class? at least it's just the start of the quarter, hopefully things will equalize soon and stop being so overwhelming D:)
no subject
Yesterday I thought "I'm hungry but I don't want to eat."
This is a bad sign, I agree :< Please eat, omg, and like, real food too! Jonghyun would want you to eat, okay :< :'<
choronnnnnngggggg!!!!!!
no subject
I've been eating, I've just had like no joy in it!! It's so weird. lol I want jjong to eat more too ;; omg speaking of real food I just remembered that I still have 1/4 a bag of Hot Cheetos left lol
ch-ch-ch-chorong, chorong, chorong~~~~~
no subject
I'm afraid of the make-up section, lol - my sister's the one who knows about that. She had to play around with it a lot in the beginning, so I'm sure it'll go fine for you. :)
no subject
ty! It's weird, I feel like you have to be quite strategic and organized with make-up. I've been making lists to keep track of everything, idk, there are so many brands and products and colors!!! ;__; I just want like a paintball gun to shoot a blob of mask of make-up onto my face so I look closer to my age.