dodge the question
Apr. 4th, 2013 02:31 amsteep collapse. I worked myself into a total frenzy and deactivated my twitter for now. I don't know what I want out of this. It's not like I don't want people to talk to me, or I don't want to talk to people. It's much more that I don't WANT to want those things, and the easiest way to void that desire is to shut off the possibility.
I am really, really, really a petty and selfish person. I mean, all of this is a stunt for attention, but I am too embarrassed to own up to it or to leave myself open to an honest dialogue about it. So it's just me yelling PLEASE NOTICE ME!! BUT NO FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS!! THANK YOU.
What follows is that, I am really sad... also, extremely uncannily good at alienating people and making them feel awkward and unwanted. At best it's a self-fulfilling prophecy; I pretty much always expect people to get tired of me (because I always feel like I've tricked them into liking me for whatever reason in the first place), so when I see signs of disinterest I flip out and start distancing of my own initiative. At worst, it's just the poison in my personality and I am in fact totally unlikable and faulty as a human being. But either way I tend to treat to people around me like shit to preserve a stale, but familiar, sense of safety. It's times like this that I realize I haven't grown at all. This selfish heart. It gets smaller by the month probably.
In less messy, ugly matters; I am still really sad about Jonghyun's car accident. I don't know. It's not a serious injury but just the news of it, the idea that he is hurt AGAIN, hospitalized AGAIN (especially in this year, now, after health became such an important thing to him), being lampooned and criticized and mocked AGAIN; it finally broke something clean off inside me. I saw a k-fansite master say something to this effect on twitter, "it hurts to not be able to help you." There's something about the overwhelming uncontrollable nature of it, how cyclical and repetitive it seems. That with each turn of the cycle, it only gets worse. I'm just so tired. Because Jonghyun really does mean a lot to me, and I'm not balanced to be cool about anything concerning him. The constant negativity hurts me and makes me legitimately angry. I go straight deep, I take it all to heart. It's worse because (or part and parcel of) I'm also aware... paranoid... no, aware... that people judge me for it, or otherwise get tired of it. And I keep it in mind because I do think I need that awareness to keep myself in check. To keep myself from annoying others and being an element that makes fandom weary to them, the same way the objects of my derision are to me. But what's the point? It just draws out the process of people getting tired. I am so tired.
I am really, really, really a petty and selfish person. I mean, all of this is a stunt for attention, but I am too embarrassed to own up to it or to leave myself open to an honest dialogue about it. So it's just me yelling PLEASE NOTICE ME!! BUT NO FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS!! THANK YOU.
What follows is that, I am really sad... also, extremely uncannily good at alienating people and making them feel awkward and unwanted. At best it's a self-fulfilling prophecy; I pretty much always expect people to get tired of me (because I always feel like I've tricked them into liking me for whatever reason in the first place), so when I see signs of disinterest I flip out and start distancing of my own initiative. At worst, it's just the poison in my personality and I am in fact totally unlikable and faulty as a human being. But either way I tend to treat to people around me like shit to preserve a stale, but familiar, sense of safety. It's times like this that I realize I haven't grown at all. This selfish heart. It gets smaller by the month probably.
In less messy, ugly matters; I am still really sad about Jonghyun's car accident. I don't know. It's not a serious injury but just the news of it, the idea that he is hurt AGAIN, hospitalized AGAIN (especially in this year, now, after health became such an important thing to him), being lampooned and criticized and mocked AGAIN; it finally broke something clean off inside me. I saw a k-fansite master say something to this effect on twitter, "it hurts to not be able to help you." There's something about the overwhelming uncontrollable nature of it, how cyclical and repetitive it seems. That with each turn of the cycle, it only gets worse. I'm just so tired. Because Jonghyun really does mean a lot to me, and I'm not balanced to be cool about anything concerning him. The constant negativity hurts me and makes me legitimately angry. I go straight deep, I take it all to heart. It's worse because (or part and parcel of) I'm also aware... paranoid... no, aware... that people judge me for it, or otherwise get tired of it. And I keep it in mind because I do think I need that awareness to keep myself in check. To keep myself from annoying others and being an element that makes fandom weary to them, the same way the objects of my derision are to me. But what's the point? It just draws out the process of people getting tired. I am so tired.
