counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2013-08-30 04:11 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2013-08-30 04:11 pm
Entry tags:
hackberry
The trick is to do painful things in safe spaces. I talked about Chorong today like he was definitively gone. Although I have a stack of flyers I just printed out yesterday lol. I might put them up, even though, obviously, what is the use? It will only hurt. I will change my facebook picture soon. Trivial things. I think I've received enough signs that there is no use. There's a lot more I could have done but I did a reasonable amount - though of course I wish I did more, I wish I found him.
This was really hard for me. I was made very tremulous and fragile with my hope and misery. I don't think I'll love another thing like I loved Chorong. It was a cautionary tale. It was too much. Maybe when I'm stronger, when I've learned to lean more on myself instead of trying to split my soul to another body, I can do it.
Though the temperature is ignoring it, summer is ending soon. It wasn't a vacation! I can't bear thinking that it happened for a reason. But it happened all the same.
Suddenly I feel extremely shitty right now. I just want to be dead, I hate everything about myself, I hate working here, but I'm too scared to do anything else. I hate everything I feel. I'm so frustrated with feeling like I don't understand anything, and like I'm not trying hard enough. Crying all over the place this summer. In full public at my desk? SURE WHY NOT.
This was really hard for me. I was made very tremulous and fragile with my hope and misery. I don't think I'll love another thing like I loved Chorong. It was a cautionary tale. It was too much. Maybe when I'm stronger, when I've learned to lean more on myself instead of trying to split my soul to another body, I can do it.
Though the temperature is ignoring it, summer is ending soon. It wasn't a vacation! I can't bear thinking that it happened for a reason. But it happened all the same.
Suddenly I feel extremely shitty right now. I just want to be dead, I hate everything about myself, I hate working here, but I'm too scared to do anything else. I hate everything I feel. I'm so frustrated with feeling like I don't understand anything, and like I'm not trying hard enough. Crying all over the place this summer. In full public at my desk? SURE WHY NOT.