counting at war (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kerpingtack) wrote2010-05-13 11:42 pm
kerpingtack) wrote2010-05-13 11:42 pm
Entry tags:
unquiet heart, soul full of snakes
I just had a fucking shitty scene with my mom. She was talking about how I'm antisocial and how people in her office think I'm a bitch and whatnot because I'm hella unresponsive and shut down all conversational attempts. In my defense, I am scared of/hate all people and it's fucking awkward there and I seriously do not have ANYTHING to say. But yeah, she was like you need to learn how to talk to people, you need a new perspective, you need to learn how to enjoy yourself, you need to tell yourself that you're happy and then you'll be happy (my mom is a strong proponent of like brainwashing yourself to get you through the day. unrelatedly, she is also super Christian and loves denial as a coping mechanism. *UNKIND*). She kept needling and annoying me about it, playful at first, but getting more aggressive the more annoyed I got until I finally had to say FUCKING SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND LEAVE ME ALONE (paraphrased).
her: *meaningfully silence* If I didn't love you, then I would be able to leave you alone.
me: FOR GOD'S FUCKING SAKE, FUCKING SERIOUSLY
*more butthurt arguing including how I actually said "my feelings are my own, just let me have them!!"*
So now we both feel shitty. Yes, what an excellent way to end the day.
PS, I don't think my mom fully understands my issues with socializing and Other People. She thinks it's because I don't care and I don't want to make the effort, because that's how she herself used to be when she was young. But she is confusing how I cope with socializing etc with how I actually feel about it. I am SCARED. SHITLESS. almost all the time. Today I had to talk to the gardener to ask him to trim the bushes in the garden and it took me like twenty minutes of dithering around the door and garage before I did it. It's actually not as bad as it used to be, at least overtly. Four years ago I hid in a closet to avoid talking to a neighbor who stopped by. Two years ago I hid in the car in the garage to escape the plumber. Today I will say hi and pretend I have a phone call to answer outside for hours!! I do care, deeply. But I am unable to function properly so I ~pretend~ not to care, or to be oblivious when in fact I am hyperaware and trying desperately to distract myself from that awareness so I don't pee myself and die on the spot. I do not know how to make the effort. And it's not like I haven't tried, it's just that every time I've tried it's been such a humiliating failure that the chances of me Doing It Right are fucking ridiculous. Listen, I know it's pathetic to have to work so goddamn hard to have some meaningless bullshit conversation with someone and I know it weirds people out when someone is clearly FALLING APART during such a conversation, so goddamnit I pretend that my music is REALLY interesting and that I have to get back to it post haste. I know it's polite to go beyond just responding to people but I cannot do it. My mind shrivels up and everything goes blank. I know it's bad. Everything is terrible. I can't even leave comments 99.99999% of the time.
Also, just to round out this self-doubt party, I'm in a slump where I look and feel fucking terrible. haw haw what's new? Basically I will be like Why don't any clothes look good on me? Oh that's right, because I'm ugly and shitty. I know that this is not really true but intellectual knowledge is not as effective as it should be. Oh I hate the way I look! And I hate the inside too.
I wish I didn't blow up at my mom. I'm truly worthless.
her: *meaningfully silence* If I didn't love you, then I would be able to leave you alone.
me: FOR GOD'S FUCKING SAKE, FUCKING SERIOUSLY
*more butthurt arguing including how I actually said "my feelings are my own, just let me have them!!"*
So now we both feel shitty. Yes, what an excellent way to end the day.
PS, I don't think my mom fully understands my issues with socializing and Other People. She thinks it's because I don't care and I don't want to make the effort, because that's how she herself used to be when she was young. But she is confusing how I cope with socializing etc with how I actually feel about it. I am SCARED. SHITLESS. almost all the time. Today I had to talk to the gardener to ask him to trim the bushes in the garden and it took me like twenty minutes of dithering around the door and garage before I did it. It's actually not as bad as it used to be, at least overtly. Four years ago I hid in a closet to avoid talking to a neighbor who stopped by. Two years ago I hid in the car in the garage to escape the plumber. Today I will say hi and pretend I have a phone call to answer outside for hours!! I do care, deeply. But I am unable to function properly so I ~pretend~ not to care, or to be oblivious when in fact I am hyperaware and trying desperately to distract myself from that awareness so I don't pee myself and die on the spot. I do not know how to make the effort. And it's not like I haven't tried, it's just that every time I've tried it's been such a humiliating failure that the chances of me Doing It Right are fucking ridiculous. Listen, I know it's pathetic to have to work so goddamn hard to have some meaningless bullshit conversation with someone and I know it weirds people out when someone is clearly FALLING APART during such a conversation, so goddamnit I pretend that my music is REALLY interesting and that I have to get back to it post haste. I know it's polite to go beyond just responding to people but I cannot do it. My mind shrivels up and everything goes blank. I know it's bad. Everything is terrible. I can't even leave comments 99.99999% of the time.
Also, just to round out this self-doubt party, I'm in a slump where I look and feel fucking terrible. haw haw what's new? Basically I will be like Why don't any clothes look good on me? Oh that's right, because I'm ugly and shitty. I know that this is not really true but intellectual knowledge is not as effective as it should be. Oh I hate the way I look! And I hate the inside too.
I wish I didn't blow up at my mom. I'm truly worthless.
no subject
:O I cannot believe that! Jesus, how rude! Do you find sometimes it's easier to be more extroverted when you've got someone else there who you know? I know when confronted with people I don't know I tend to completely clamp up, but if there's at least one person there who I know I find I'm a bit more able to act naturally and not feel so tense. Of course, I guess you can't rely on that, but it can be a good way of easing into more natural conversation with strangers. idk though, I have yet to find a way to just relax in these situations, short of forcing myself to confront them repeatedly until the fear/awkwardness wears off - and that's not exactly an appealing undertaking.
Phone calls are terrible, ordering food is terrible, check-out lines are terrible, strangers are terrible, acquaintances are terrible, adults are terrible, parent's friends are terrible, relatives are terrible
Yeah, this is all too true. I don't know why the brain hasn't developed some better coping mechanism for this stuff, it would be nice to just drift around not caring, not living in constant anxiety of people. Wish I could offer better advice, but this is what I still struggling with, no matter what else changes in my life, this fear part seems to remain obnoxiously constant.
Hopefully social situations get easier to navigate at some point, eventually. I really really hope so D: