kerpingtack | unquiet heart, soul full of snakes

I just had a fucking shitty scene with my mom. She was talking about how I'm antisocial and how people in her office think I'm a bitch and whatnot because I'm hella unresponsive and shut down all conversational attempts. In my defense, I am scared of/hate all people and it's fucking awkward there and I seriously do not have ANYTHING to say. But yeah, she was like you need to learn how to talk to people, you need a new perspective, you need to learn how to enjoy yourself, you need to tell yourself that you're happy and then you'll be happy (my mom is a strong proponent of like brainwashing yourself to get you through the day. unrelatedly, she is also super Christian and loves denial as a coping mechanism. *UNKIND*). She kept needling and annoying me about it, playful at first, but getting more aggressive the more annoyed I got until I finally had to say FUCKING SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND LEAVE ME ALONE (paraphrased).

her: *meaningfully silence* If I didn't love you, then I would be able to leave you alone.
me: FOR GOD'S FUCKING SAKE, FUCKING SERIOUSLY
*more butthurt arguing including how I actually said "my feelings are my own, just let me have them!!"*

So now we both feel shitty. Yes, what an excellent way to end the day.

PS, I don't think my mom fully understands my issues with socializing and Other People. She thinks it's because I don't care and I don't want to make the effort, because that's how she herself used to be when she was young. But she is confusing how I cope with socializing etc with how I actually feel about it. I am SCARED. SHITLESS. almost all the time. Today I had to talk to the gardener to ask him to trim the bushes in the garden and it took me like twenty minutes of dithering around the door and garage before I did it. It's actually not as bad as it used to be, at least overtly. Four years ago I hid in a closet to avoid talking to a neighbor who stopped by. Two years ago I hid in the car in the garage to escape the plumber. Today I will say hi and pretend I have a phone call to answer outside for hours!! I do care, deeply. But I am unable to function properly so I ~pretend~ not to care, or to be oblivious when in fact I am hyperaware and trying desperately to distract myself from that awareness so I don't pee myself and die on the spot. I do not know how to make the effort. And it's not like I haven't tried, it's just that every time I've tried it's been such a humiliating failure that the chances of me Doing It Right are fucking ridiculous. Listen, I know it's pathetic to have to work so goddamn hard to have some meaningless bullshit conversation with someone and I know it weirds people out when someone is clearly FALLING APART during such a conversation, so goddamnit I pretend that my music is REALLY interesting and that I have to get back to it post haste. I know it's polite to go beyond just responding to people but I cannot do it. My mind shrivels up and everything goes blank. I know it's bad. Everything is terrible. I can't even leave comments 99.99999% of the time.

Also, just to round out this self-doubt party, I'm in a slump where I look and feel fucking terrible. haw haw what's new? Basically I will be like Why don't any clothes look good on me? Oh that's right, because I'm ugly and shitty. I know that this is not really true but intellectual knowledge is not as effective as it should be. Oh I hate the way I look! And I hate the inside too.

I wish I didn't blow up at my mom. I'm truly worthless.

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*Hugs* I hope you're okay, you don't know how much I relate to this entry. It probably really doesn't help to know that a lot of people struggle with this stuff, but it's so shitty feeling like you're the only one and everyone else is normal and confident and just able to cope.

Four years ago I hid in a closet to avoid talking to a neighbor who stopped by. Two years ago I hid in the car in the garage to escape the plumber. Today I will say hi and pretend I have a phone call to answer outside for hours!! I do care, deeply.

I'm sorry but I feel like this is me writing this. I hid in my Dad's kitchen the other weekend just to avoid having to make small talk with some neighbour and his two young kids. I sometimes take days to work up to making a scary phone call, I have to write out all the things I need to say.

I think the most excruciating thing to happen recently was I had a half hour taxi ride (and just calling to book the taxi constituted the aforementioned procedure), where first of all I couldn't give any directions for the place I wanted to get to and had to sit mumbling in the back and pretending I knew what I was doing, then I had to call up the place and ask for directions in front of the taxi driver, and then horrifically had to ask him to talk to the receptionist on the other end of the line because I'm that shit at relaying directions, and finally pretended to have to take another call when he started trying to make conversation about trying to buy and new car and stuff, one everyday conversation topic among many which it seems I fail at.

It's times like that I think I'm a complete weirdo who cannot function socially, can't even manage a conversation with a stranger for the duration of a car journey. I have full-body cringes about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. So, not that any of that will make you feel better, but there are other dysfunctional people out there making idiots of themselves! You're not alone. And just so you know, I personally think you kind of rock. *Exit hug*

Thanks for the hug. *internet-hugs back* I'm sorry you've been going through some rough times too; I have had a comment in progress open in a tab for a week trying to think of something more helpful than "Yeah, me too." I'm wishing you all the best though!

It is SUPER TERRIBLE, and more so because thinking about it makes it worse, and yet you can't NOT think about it. It's EVERYWHERE. Phone calls are terrible, ordering food is terrible, check-out lines are terrible, strangers are terrible, acquaintances are terrible, adults are terrible, parent's friends are terrible, relatives are terrible (I am still scared of my aunts for fuck's sake and I see them multiple times every year)... man I was supposed to go to the bank today but my mom didn't give me sufficient warning (barely a day!!) so I... didn't.........

I know that lots of people also have these excruciating troubles, but there's still a part of me that stubbornly rejects this, like THIS CANNOT BE TRUE, I NEVER SEE ANYONE ELSE FAILING LIKE ME. But that's because all those people are also indoors all day, scared to walk around outside! I assume that everyone around me knows what they're doing because it's too weird to think that there are no examples to follow or no secret script. Very bizarre.

I hid in my Dad's kitchen the other weekend just to avoid having to make small talk with some neighbour and his two young kids.
SOMETIMES KIDS ARE THE WORST. I'm getting better at uhh not being afraid of interacting with children, but I used to be incredibly intimidated by kids. Like they were judging me really harshly or something, worse than adults and almost as bad as peers. I don't know.

And omg I have BEEN in your taxi story. Especially the part about the directions (I am especially skilled at telling people to go the EXACT OPPOSITE WAY) and pretending to take a call. OMG I have faked soooo many phone calls over the course of my young life. I have probably faked more calls than I've taken real calls. I have also faked sleeping in cars many many times to escape potential conversation. One of the worst times was when I had to drive with my friend and his mom and his brother for like two hours. OH GOD OTHER PEOPLE'S PARENTS. ;____;

I feel like I've been traumatized by life or something because I keep having terrible flashbacks to every slightly embarrassing thing I've ever done. The shit at my mom's office has been added to this impressive canon. One guy actually said, "See? It's impossible," to a co-worker who was trying to talk to me. ;___; I do not mean to be impossible, you fucking asshole, goddamn!!

Thanks again. Believe me when I say that you are a superbomb of amazingness and I feel [insert cheesy emotion] to know you. *awkward punch to the shoulder*

The shit at my mom's office has been added to this impressive canon. One guy actually said, "See? It's impossible," to a co-worker who was trying to talk to me.

:O I cannot believe that! Jesus, how rude! Do you find sometimes it's easier to be more extroverted when you've got someone else there who you know? I know when confronted with people I don't know I tend to completely clamp up, but if there's at least one person there who I know I find I'm a bit more able to act naturally and not feel so tense. Of course, I guess you can't rely on that, but it can be a good way of easing into more natural conversation with strangers. idk though, I have yet to find a way to just relax in these situations, short of forcing myself to confront them repeatedly until the fear/awkwardness wears off - and that's not exactly an appealing undertaking.

Phone calls are terrible, ordering food is terrible, check-out lines are terrible, strangers are terrible, acquaintances are terrible, adults are terrible, parent's friends are terrible, relatives are terrible

Yeah, this is all too true. I don't know why the brain hasn't developed some better coping mechanism for this stuff, it would be nice to just drift around not caring, not living in constant anxiety of people. Wish I could offer better advice, but this is what I still struggling with, no matter what else changes in my life, this fear part seems to remain obnoxiously constant.

Hopefully social situations get easier to navigate at some point, eventually. I really really hope so D:

unquiet heart, soul full of snakes

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