a cruel month

LOL I have 498 SHINee fics bookmarked. What on earth! It really only takes one thing for me to save a link. I have to organize them somehow. At the moment when I try to look for a fic I just type in likely keywords and hope my brain is wired the same way as when I first bookmarked it.

My finals are done but I still have papers to write. Dear lord will these trials and tribulations never end??

I swear I'm gonna kill something if they put Jonghyun in another vest. He looks so stupid in these Japan photoshoots. Stupid with occasional moments of COMPLETE FRESH-FACED PERFECTION. Ugh they're all being sooo idiotically cute in these shoots. So many piles!! Piles of boys!! Piles of cute!!

Do they get to dress themselves on Immortal Song 2? Does that mean that glittery tank top Jonghyun wore for his showcase was his? Oh god he is seriously the gift that keeps on giving.

LOL giant 50+ chapter vampire AU series and I'm just going through each part Ctrl+F'ing "jonghyun." I don't have time for vampires okay, I just want to read about him being snarky and/or crying or whatever he's doing in every ten chapters of this thing. From what I can tell though, Jonghyun is too fucking good for anyone else in this story. This is really not that biased of an opinion! Usually he is an intolerable asshole in these sorts of things but here he is literally the best of them all. Onew is such a dick to him in this lol >>:(((( Also my god what is it about Jessica, people will drag her into their fics ALL THE TIME. It's alright here but usually it's terrible and stupid.

I don't think I'm particularly pretentious. I'm sentimental though.

You guys I love Jongho sooo muuuuchhhhh I will legit read anything for them. It's so bad.

I have been trying to quash an immutable tide of panic for the past like three weeks. I am letting go of my GPA; it's already fucked. I just have to pass these classes. I JUST HAVE TO PASS THESE CLASSES. ;~~~; Ugh why am I so fucking stupid. My life is cratered with failures upon failures and I seriously can't do anything right. Oh well. I JUST HAVE TO PASS.

[giant sad bastard paragraph excised]

Ugh lol goddamn my lj has legit been split 50/50 between SHINee spazzing and sad bastard feelings. The two sided coin of my life these days. I mean, I say all this stuff on my own behalf and for my own benefit. But what does it really do? What does anything do. I wish I had more to talk about. I make my life such shit for myself.

I really do feel like there's a lot of love to be had in the world, and love is a choice that people must continually make.* I think that's why I'm so mystified by all the hate and negative energy in fandom and why I react so strongly against it. It just seems like such a contrived, deliberate choice to be hateful and condescending. Maybe also because fandom is supposed to be pure escapism for me. Real life is already terrible, and unavoidably so. Why do people have to invent more reasons to be angry and shitty when they don't have to beeeee. But lol at the same time I know that I choose to become butthurt and offended and worked up over shitty comments instead of ignoring them and getting on with my life. idk why it's so much easier to legitimate negative thoughts/feelings when love is the more difficult choice, and hate is harder to live with.
*placeholder reference: I know it's from ranalore but I don't remember the post. ahhh my creeper anime days were so profitable
edit @ 6:44 am this post! I think it can apply in the general. like specific applications of love can't be chosen (you can't force yourself to like shit you just don't like) but I think love in the abstract is a choice, to say whether you'll be receptive and open or not, to pursue and indulge and enjoy or to dismiss or be ashamed or be in name only. insert scrubs quote on couples who make it because they fight for their love in the face of the same problems as the couples who don't make it. feelings are involuntary, actions are not, etc. why the fuck did I make this sound so dry. and fuck grammar omg