true ransom
Jun. 16th, 2013 12:46 am(private locked to public)
- how to have hope without expectation.
- what i should be accepting is that there are things you can't control, and that loss happens without logic or lesson. but instead this feels like even if it's something i really love, care about, and want, and even when i do my best and do what needs to be done, it doesn't work and it doesn't matter and it doesn't change anything. yet i can't NOT do it. i do what i do because i am who i am. the behavior is tracked in, human in a helpless way.
- i want to say, "I still can't even do it all" but it's not honest. i did what i could. whatever was possible of me, i did it, and i can't punish myself for not doing more. i did what i could, i did what i could, i did what i could. but that makes the first statement sadder. i did what i could and it feels like nothing. because of that, i feel defeated, and energy has sapped out of me. so i don't know if i have the strength to keep doing what i can.
- i don't think of myself as superstitious but i want to believe in things like charms and numbers. it's now a week.
- earlier i tested out saying "chorong doesn't matter. it doesn't matter if he's dead or if i'll never see him again. i don't love him now." to stop it from affecting me. but i discarded the test. it wasn't true, and i can't erase it just because he's gone now. it's wrong and deceitful to try to lessen the value, the pure weight of love i felt, the debt of gratitude i have.
130617 @ 3am
Because I need to write everything out, here it is: if he's not dead, he's alive. And if he's alive, I can find him.
- how to have hope without expectation.
- what i should be accepting is that there are things you can't control, and that loss happens without logic or lesson. but instead this feels like even if it's something i really love, care about, and want, and even when i do my best and do what needs to be done, it doesn't work and it doesn't matter and it doesn't change anything. yet i can't NOT do it. i do what i do because i am who i am. the behavior is tracked in, human in a helpless way.
- i want to say, "I still can't even do it all" but it's not honest. i did what i could. whatever was possible of me, i did it, and i can't punish myself for not doing more. i did what i could, i did what i could, i did what i could. but that makes the first statement sadder. i did what i could and it feels like nothing. because of that, i feel defeated, and energy has sapped out of me. so i don't know if i have the strength to keep doing what i can.
- i don't think of myself as superstitious but i want to believe in things like charms and numbers. it's now a week.
- earlier i tested out saying "chorong doesn't matter. it doesn't matter if he's dead or if i'll never see him again. i don't love him now." to stop it from affecting me. but i discarded the test. it wasn't true, and i can't erase it just because he's gone now. it's wrong and deceitful to try to lessen the value, the pure weight of love i felt, the debt of gratitude i have.
130617 @ 3am
Because I need to write everything out, here it is: if he's not dead, he's alive. And if he's alive, I can find him.
