kerpingtack: mizuno ami & kino makoto chibi fanart (tired of studying)
Graduation today! Writing a lj/dw post was on my "to do" list before the ceremony to help get closure. Very mix of emotions. Many thin feelings that cannot be caught. 

  • Guilt because I feel like I don't really deserve it? I didn't put much effort into it, refused to really commit, and I fucked up my comprehensive exam. 
  • Wondering whether I should have told my dad: that ship has sailed anyway. So now wondering if I should tell my dad. I won't, but I'm still wondering lol.
  • Sadness because it's another chapter closing. Unless something goes terribly wrong in my life, this was my last year of school and my last chance to become a good student. Wasted potential. 
But I did finish, and the program helped me open up a lot. I definitely became more comfortable talking during the last three years. Someone even nominated me to be one of the two student speakers at this ceremony, LOL. I did not respond to the nomination, but it was kind of nice. 

I don't know. I feel like I've lost the ability to trace or evaluate my thought processes. And, like many many people across the globe to-day, I feel overwhelming and suffocating anxiety about the Times We Live In. How do "we" communicate and enact and protect our values? Stuff (SOCIETY! CIVILIZATION!!) only works if there is a common understanding, a consensus, THE SOCIAL CONTRACT. You can't stop to let a car through if the other lane doesn't stop, either. hashtag chronic stress, hashtag late stage capitalism, hashtag why. Like... how do we function and live IN the world when so many people just have no interest in ever ever ever listening? Like people whose reality is built ONLY around responding to their own deep festering hurt, and won't incorporate logic or compassion because it doesn't serve their... principles? idk what the word is. I'm not really asking "what's the ~point~ of empathy" but like... where will it take us, on a global scale? Where does it all go, when the Dark Heart of Humanity just gets deeper and darker? I believe that it all matters, that we have to shape our immediate reality by our day-to-day behaviors, but I also believe that humanity is doing too little, too late and we're actively setting ourselves back from even that minimal amount. 

Good lord, how is this post supposed to help me get ~mindful~ closure???

I put my hand against my neck, my thumb on my throat, and I think about how hard it is to reach myself. Let alone another person. A totally distinct, disparate human being! It doesn't feel alienating though; I feel humbled. I want to make whole other post about IU's Twenty-three and Palette, but for now, the part of Palette that touches me the most is "But still - I was pretty when I sang Good Day,"  saying it like "I saw that I was, wasn't I?" and her singing G-Dragon's rap during her live performances. "Jieun-ah." I've just always like that concept, of being able to stretch your hand through the hazy ~veil~ of time to your previous self and be able to see that you were just so young, and you needed love and support, and you deserved it then and you deserve it now. How to step outside yourself and see that you are just a person, who has fundamental worth, and aren't you somehow wonderful for even being able to recognize that? Doesn't it feel good to use your heart for yourself? There is something really tender about it.

idk, I still feel a lot of shame and derision about old memories, and each time they pop up in my head (which is pretty often, because of anxiety and school and social incompetence), I just feel like running a sword straight through past!me. Seeing all the stuff that's obvious to me now but was totally unknown and inaccessible to me then. Time is like running water that softens the sting of the really embarrassing stuff. Nothing changes the ~past~ but perspective, and it's not like your past mistakes get better, but you're just able to embrace yourself. Like sticking yourself with metaphorical blades doesn't serve a purpose for you anymore - it doesn't obliterate what actually happened, who you actually were then. And the pain you cause yourself stops becoming a virtue, and is instead just itself. "Be who you needed when you were younger" + "As adults, we try to develop the traits that would have saved our parents." 

Ugh now it's 4:00pm and I have to go to rehearsa! I didn't get to what I wanted in this post. I wanted to feel restful at the end of it lol. Oh well, what the hell. 

kerpingtack: jiji's family end credits (carry me away light as a feather)
I think I just need to DO something. I need to make something to siphon off these disgursting humeurs inside my Body. Gotta pick up knitting, draw something, LEAVE A FUCKING COMMENT ON SOMETHING, etc. And not get hung up by feeling, like, "this isn't turning out how I want" and "this looks/sounds stupid/bad/not enough." Just fucking do the thing. Stop thinking about yourself!!!!

I look back on the years gone by and though I was much more miserable then than I am now, there are a lot of things I miss. Sometimes it seems, weirdly, that I had more energy, which is a very very sad statement, given that I was tired all the time then. But it was an internal energy - and I think it's only because I'm looking back to a time when I was really active on recording my thoughts and making lists and talking a lot about the media I was consuming. And the internal energy was not, like, positive. Maybe the better word is "movement"? It came from a place of anxiety and hmm like... "this is the only thing I can do right now." Like, all that writing and bloggeuring was my outlet for everything going on with me. And I am much, much more capable of DOING things now than I was then. I don't know if it's connected at all or not, like whether being better at Being a Person in the World really depletes me of whatever was fueling those little midnight laps in my internal... living space. Goddamn I cannot talk.

Anyway I miss the enthusiasm I had, the ease with which I could talk about stuff, the STUFF I wanted to talk about, the ability I had to watch things without being so, like... bogged down. It's a self-consciousness and awareness that gets treated as baggage. idk. And like, none of that really brought me peace or happiness or restfulness in any long-term sense. But it's a record that I existed. What the hell do I do lately? Each day just lapses into the next. I sit and play Tetris for hours and I'm thinking about stuff, but it's smoke and vapor as soon as I look up, I might as well not have even been alive for those hours. Dissipated into the ether. Sighsighsigh.

I really need to get this fucking anxiety thing sorted out. But I don't want to have another weird/ambivalent to straight up bad experience in counseling. Like, I think this is the thing - I really don't want to have another memory that is going to cause me pain later. And I know it's my own fucking choice to keep gnawing on something, but goddamnit, I don't know how to get around that? Like why must I remember things?? The functional, but not necessarily helpful, answer is that it's to keep me from making the same mistake later. Battering myself upon the rocks.

Here are some bits and bobs from dreams I've had in the past couple of months:

- ANXIETY MARATHON after the incident with the Creeper Neighbor: my dad comes over and is naked at one point(?) and everyone acts like I should have already known about this or that I should be really chill about it. I'm wearing only a towel, like I've just come out of the shower, and I see the neighbor walking with his wife past our house through the second story window and I freeze. He looks up and I can't tell if he sees me; he smirks and turns back to his wife. Later, a landscaper/construction worker comes to do something in our yard. He digs a hole and then, like, TURNS INTO Tomtom and curls up in the hole to test the size of it. I'm, like, horrified that I didn't know that people/service-type workers could just turn into cats for work purposes. "Oh my god, I can't believe all this time I didn't even know.............."
- NESTED DREAMS: all within a two hour nap before I had to take Julian to the office with me by 2 pm.
dream 1. I drive to the office to get there by 2 pm, except it's hella dark out already. "Boy, this Daylight Savings Time!" I think. As soon as I arrive, I realize that I forgot Julian.
dream 2. ~I wake up from dream 1 and am relieved that I'm not late.~ I tell Julian to get ready, but he's like "but it's Sunday." I say, "It's not Sunday, it's Tuesday" and he doesn't hear me. I yell louder from a fog of tiredness, "IT'S NOT SUNDAY, IT'S TUESDAY."
dream 3. ~I wake up again from dream 2 and reflect upon the fact that I had a dream within a dream.~ I decide that this is because I haven't eaten all day and it has exacerbated my fatigue. I go to, like, a small local bakery/deli thing. I order two pies (??), then add another one at the last minute. The cashier is like, "Yes, girl, order as many as you like!! You're hungry!!"
Epilogue: when I for real woke up, I was so disoriented. I was like "WHAT TIME IS IT? where am I? did I eat???"
- LOVELY DREAM where I behaved in a very good manner. I was with my grandmother and I helped her walk, although I was scared of her frailty. Also held little kids on my lap to help them see the computer screen/TV.
In retrospect, I would do these things IRL anyway. But in the dream, I did it without hesitation, and in reality, I'm always thinking of what could go wrong and that someone else could do whatever I'm doing better.

I have not been eating well. It's the olde pattern of "eat one meal at 3pm and maybe some water or coffee for the rest of the day."

IMPORTANT EDIT @ 11/23/16: So I didn't do anything I listed in this entry. Instead spent the whole weekend sleeping and reading fic and continuing eating one (1) meal a day for Depressed Efficiency, and I only finished this entry today. Cool beans.
kerpingtack: i'm a poseur about this i've only seen the cartoon twice (hepcat)

- I have a weird, lumpy head
- I don't photograph well!!!!
- Not like I am such a spring chicken in person, either, but in pictures I always look like I was sausaged into my body two minutes before the picture is taken and I don't know how to hold myself or move my face like a human being.
- AND I'M GONNA BE 27 SOON, which is a minimum of 7 years too old for how bad at life I am
- Lack of ambition, lack of conviction, lack of courage = cowardly stagnation
- Why do I keep eating meat? Why can't I make principled decisions?
- I keep picking at my legs and they're pocked with scratches now :c
- I sneeze a lot

Well. On the flipside, ideal compliments 4 me (rehashed from twittar):
- Cats are really comfortable around you!
- The effort you put into your appearance is adequate. (a la Jack Donaghy: Your hair is.... fine.)
- You make excellent emoticon choices.
- The things that you like are all charming and speak well of you; the things you dislike are all legitimately terrible and deserve every bit of your enmity.
- You are really good at petting cats!
- You have great taste in sunglasses/lipstick/earrings.
- Your handwriting should be a font!!
- You take good, comprehensive notes.

aksdjfajsfd;laskjdf;kqjer;kljqerk;ljq;kwelfj;kljdf;laskjdfljweroiqerkljsfd;kljasdfk;ljasfkjsk;dlj noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo it's already eleven and I haven't made any progress on my two NON-OPTIONAL goals for the night. TT_________________________TT WHY DO I NEVER LEARN? WHY ARE ALL MY ACTIONS PREDICATED ON WHETHER I WANT TO DO THEM? I NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do harp on

May. 21st, 2013 02:55 pm
kerpingtack: jonghyun rdd mubank win: nonstop perfect faces (let's feel it a bit)
The house was in tumult the past week. Tons of dust has been unearthed and everything is in new places. I switched to the bigger bedroom. I was a little... not worried or afraid, but just aware that Chorong might stay in his spot on the windowsill in the small bedroom. Like, he liked the spot because of the spot itself, not because it was near me. But he moved with me to the big bedroom and he hangs out there, and now that I have a bigger bed, he sleeps with me on it too. :'3 It makes me really happy.

I think people are afraid that I'm going to get stuck in this town. I don't have a real sense of that - like, I don't really know what that would look like, and I don't personally feel that stultified now - so I'm not too worried. I don't have anything that sets my blood on fire or whatever. Maybe I'm snuffing out my own light by staying so still but for now, it's all I can deal with. I do feel panicked when I think about how I have no image for my future at all. I don't know what I want, at all; I have no plan. My strategy is to hesitate so long that things become irrelevant lol. Social work, whaaa? Teach in Korea, whaaaaa? Look for a job, whaaaaaaaaaa? idk. It sounds shitty and it's definitely unambitious/devoid of any forward motion, but it's manageable and I can live with it. Which is important to me. T___T Like, there's a comic on tumblr re: "getting out of your comfort zone!!" and they were like, "But I'm literally always uncomfortable." EVERYTHING is out of my comfort zone, except for sitting alone in a room with reasonable assurance that no one will intrude.

I think that's part of the reason why I felt so damn crazy last week. There were so many people at the house and they needed to keep moving to different parts of the house. There was no place for me to go or stay or anything.

Hm, returning to the possibility of me being stuck in this town: I hear it mostly from people who have lived in the area their whole lives, and they feel so suffocated by it and want to leave, to ~spread their wings and see what there is to see, etc. But I kinda feel like I left, and I failed to realize the possibilities, so I'm okay with retuning and staying. Hahaha.

My dad once told me that he just didn't want to see me get shrunken in. That I don't go out, I don't know many people, I don't do much, and my world just becomes very small. Well. But what if that's the only way I can deal with it? Because right now, the alternative seems like just a big wide world of noise and anxiety and no place to settle or feel safe.

I think writing long form entries encourage self-reflection, which is synonymous with self-hatred to me. Because now I feel like shit lol. twitter makes me feel like shit too though, for a different reason.

As always, sorry about my boring life!!
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
I am the MOST unmotivated. THE MOST.

Listen I just couldn't do the "stand on the sidewalk and harrass people into filling out my 8 question survey" thing. I REALLY TRIED! For like two hours I sat out there saying "THE NEXT PERSON, FOR REAL, THE NEXT PERSON I SEE, I WILL ASK. SAC UP, SELF" but I couldn't!! I am so scared of people.  

This is the worst ever, I hate this assignment. I say that for every assignment but it's particularly true of this one. I want to cryyy. How am I going to write TEN FUCKING PAGES on this bullshit?? ALSO EXCELS INTIMIDATES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I am dumber than dumb.

I just want to go home. What the fuck is my major? Is it soash?? I don't even know. I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING. Seriously, why am I even in school? I hate everything. Actually I really hardcore love the idea of being a philosophy major but I am way dumb for that. WAY DUMB. What the holy hell am I going to do after I graduate? Assuming I graduate. OH GOD. I could teach in Korea for a year. THEN WHAT?? I am never going to get into law school, that's for sure. I have no extracurriculars or laurels or whatnot to my good name. Oh my god I'm so fucked, just so fucked. :((


kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
counting at war

September 2017

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